The Book Cage: Episode 108 - The Stalker
It's almost time for Halloween, and you know what that means during The Year of Pain, everyone's (least) favorite horror(?) author, Nicole Davidson. We all remember Nicole/Kathryn/Kathryn's attempts at horror stories where one person might die, maybe. Will this one be any different? Probably not, but the teens are dumber, hornier, and more annoying than ever this Friday, 5pm eastern.
Rad.
"Will Jennifer escape the killer who is clearly bad at killing?"
Coming up in one hour it's the ostensibly spooky book, The Stalker. Here is your preview
Something cool— and thin! Like wire! Wrapping around her throat!! Like a noose!!
My god!! It was wire!!!!
"Someone was breathing in breaths"
woo book cage
BOOK CAGE
Time to begin the process
Hi @gellaho !
Hi, @gellaho ! Hi, @Tom Owns Diebel's Grave ! Hi, @Velo Martingale !
This book has a 5 star rating on Amazon
based on one review that I have to assume is @gellaho
He would never be so disingenuous
Probably the author did it
gotta love a lone 5 star review
I do know an author who writes reviews for his own books on Amazon
It'll always be weird to me that Kathryn Johnson uses a double pseudonym for these
I've said this woman wrote the dumbest book I've ever read, so I doubt it
Multiple dumbest books of all time, at that
More like "I've been desserted!"
I'll go kill myself now
Someday, we're going to find a book from her that goes big. Like, "character makes at least one non-stupid decision" big
Like, it's truly mesmerizing how crap she is
Hi, @Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』) !
Jesus, it's like Better Call Saul opening at Cinnabon.
is caramelbun a real thing or is this a clever ploy to not get sued by Cinnabon
Let's effin' goooo
She's so quirky
Hi, @Brendan!™ !
She wanted to leave the place spotless, but everything in the shop is made of caramel
I made bingo based on the cover
First a description of what a mall is. Oh, also someone was murdered
You...may not get that free space
"FEET" feels like a called shot
You fit in well here.
My hometown mall is dying and I love it. It's amazing. It just FEELS like America.
The stores are described as beautiful, and in a way that negates the tragedy of a human life being stolen.
Kathryn is missing her empathy core.
Nobody shopping mthere is looking for anything specific, nobody selling there has any hope.
"a woman had been murdered among all these beautiful stores" is definitely one way to describe a murder
I can't read two novels at once buddy, take your dying americana somewhere else
Ours is surviving, possibly only on the strength of the Japanese fast food chain in the food court
Hunky security guard, but not like "hunky" hunky
And you know the real tragedy is she died so young: just a week away from her 27th Memorial Day Weekend Sale.
I'm calling it now, he's a choke buddy
Bragging about not being able to read ALSO feels like America.
Pretty sure we've found our murderer
She got some huge ovens though
you got me there
Hi, @sexdick jakesy !
"I'm very sexually attracted to the CD changers"
And pegs!
ooo that's a good guess
"Your dad wouldn't happen to sell anything that can erase security camera footage, would he? Asking for a friend."
"Things existing is my hobby" he said as his hands clasped her throat
His eyes were grey and frigid: yup.
Classic female fantasy
You know he's the wrong kind of blonde. The evil, almost-white kind.
jennifer's a fascist
Yeah Kathryn is like two seconds from using Irish as a pejorative re: mr rent a cop
Damn that's Cute Boy and Fond memories of shopping in ten minutes
She's nothing if not consistent
She won't even consider that he's talking to her because she smells like caramel
And how DID you meet Miss Plath, Ted?
Strange things, supernatural things, like a homeless woman getting strangled
If a homeless person dies there, is the mall really cursed?
No that's how you christen a new mall
Do they qualify as homeless if they're in a mall?
In many ways it's the only appropriate place for the unhoused to die, surrounded by the wealth and excess they could not possess in life
And Orange Julius
A house is not a home without the comforting smell of Cinnabon.
Yes, what an imagination
I'm changing my guess; Orange Julius did it
Frankly, they should thank Simon for granting them this one piece of luck in their shiftless lives.
The killer stalked the mall at night…when there are no people there
Still a third, lone voice suspected it was wolves.
Sounds like they just got lucky that a homeless was around
No one except... SECURITY GUARDS?!
maybe she was killed by hubris
this is excellent foreshadowing
Pretty cold of you to say the unhoused aren't people, Jake.
Seems like that hunky security guard is doing quite a shitty job
A shitty security guard job… or an EXCELLENT SERIAL MURDERER JOB?!
was this book written before everyone knew what grooming is?
God, imagine being accused of slinging rock when you just love video games and luring kids to your van.
They're not normally there! The killer lucked into this!
Everyone said the guy was a pusher. Even the guard. The guard considered his job done after profiling.
Also not people. Clearly they're
It's a suburban mall with a shanty market selling illegal goods in the parking lot
You know, that thing
Technically the security guard can report not seeing the killer as long as he keeps his gaze from reflective surfaces.
The local sex predator is just another colorful neighborhood character
Hahaha is this mall supposed to be Kowloon walled city or something?
Hi, @GDC's Quivering Thews !
Can't wait to hear how the narcs of this dry county find fun.
Hahaha all those illegal flea markets at night in suburban parking lots
With a strange affinity for roasting pans and ventriloquism!
A young Kevin bacon pulls up to the food court
"I know it says 'free candy' on my van, but I swear I told the airbrush guy to write 'Freak Andy'"
If only there wasn't this shanty bazar around the mall
Apparently this east Texas mall is the size of the Mall of America with how long it's taking her to leave
Had a cat based delay, did I miss any good not-murders?
Not sure which one I'd rather see on the side of a van tbh
Maybe ask the shanty people about the murder
Selling bootleg booze out of a van seems more like a job for regular cop than a mall cop
Hi, @Flippant Sausage, rebunned !
We're firing on all cylinders tonight. I bet we solve this murder in three false arrests or less.
False arrests are for the Europeans, in America we do vigilante shootings.
oh shit this town is dry? there's the horror story
God help us if Jennifer gets cuffs
I often mistake people for boxes
If she's that afraid of going in the parking lot, just sleep in a bookstore. You can pile up a bunch of genre novels and make a nice mattress
It makes moving difficult
people sometimes describe me as a vague shape
Tell me about it, Grandma never lets you forget about the time you stacked her in a truck and left too much space.
She sensed that the owner of the limb who jerked it away a second was still nearby.
The box did it
SNAAAAAAAAAKE!
Jennifer was nicknamed "Ol' Cheese Neck"
Jennifer no you can't die, I'd get bingo too early
Well done, 47.
Killing the main character in the first chapter is a bold new direction for this author
Dying's a real bummer, you guys
the prose really captures the panic of asphyxiation
.................................................................................................................................................................................................+
Dying right after you get off work is some monkey paw bullshit
Cat
kinda worked though
Yeah I mean at least have the courtesy to kill me before my shift
The script for Troy Black: Mall Cop was eventually renamed for Hollywood
Lol
"She's not dead yet but no hurry"
"I don't feel like dealing with the paperwork. Just circle the block a few times until she flatlines."
Prolly dead idk what do I look like some Fuckin life nerd?
RIP Jennifer, the last thing you heard was hit 1992 song Baby Got Back
This nearly dead high schooler is so hot
If you only get a little strangled and die anyway you have it coming.
yeah he's definitely the killer
it's gonna be such a twist
Troy all bricked up checking out the dead high schooler
At that point youre dying more from stress than lack of oxygen, you're basically a rabbit at that point.
Corn is notoriously purple
"Of course, now he couldn't see them, because they were closed, because she was dead, on account of the strangulation."
It's Liz Taylor.
Or Snow White, I dunno.
Troy's wild mood swings continue
Actually.........
The fuck cursed corn is that
Cornflower's different. I think it's the Texas state flower? Maybe not.
Corn comes in lots of colors.
WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!
The attendant is so fucking sick of dudes kissing the dead women he's carting around
Death is always more tragic when you stared eerily at the victim for weeks but never got the courage to tell her you wanted to nail her.
this guy is IN THE AMBULANCE
she doesn't know his name
Later, in coma land
Modern corn is just bred to be yellow, but theres a lot of ancient corn strains that are very colorful, like glass gem corn.
If we get a single scare I get bingo
it's cornflower, not corncob
You'll be waiting a while
Come on, Jennifer. You have so much to live for! Like Caramelbun and that double shift you need to cover
"Come in, Troy. It's time we talked. Your partners are getting creeped out by all the...it says here 'Kisses plucked from the last pulse of a dying soul' according to you? Not to mention if the parents find out. I have no choice but to reduce your EMT's salary from minimum wage to minimum wage minus $2."
They've written songs about it
Jennifer is riding high on the combo of emergency meds, adrenaline, and oxygen rushing to her starved brain, and from this day onward she is going to have a strangling kink.
Jennifer rises up through the morphine haze
I don't think troy is an EMT, I think he's the mall cop
Hahaha she's waking up because her lizard brain is scared of her dads temper, amazing
"No idea what happened to you, the red marks around your neck could mean anything"
"Your thick, freakishly strong neck saved you, Jennifer."
"I mean, you were unconscious for a week. But that doesn't have anything to do with the trauma."
"Obviously you did this to yourself."
he can't tell... fuckin whatever
Gather round and here my tale, of the angry man whose princess pulled death's veil. An EMT, Prince Charming played. And he killed that man, though still unlaid.
Science says that the brain being deprived of oxygen results in no lasting damage
What the hell kind of robbers do they have that choke you with a noose before taking your wallet tho?
[to the tune of Get Down With the Sickness]
I'm taking this as 'jennifer has brain damage' and given her behavior before the brain damage that's going to be a real problem
"You know Loy, don't you? Loy Patterson. Great guy. Coaches softball on weekends? Maybe you heard he's the sheriff?"
Apparently her dad thought the neck bandages were for show
Malls, legendary for their security.
Alright, Wonka, name your price to stop strangling my girl.
"Sir, mall security is more concerned with preventing gum from accumulating under benches."
If this had ended like the Scary Stories to Tell In the Dark ribbon girl story ended it would be the best call Kathryn has ever made.
"I didn't realize you were in the hospital for a reason this time! I thought you just drank bleach because you thought it was milk again!"
Indigents is a commonly used word during rage, sure
'hobo' is really hard to spell
I mean even just call the actual cops
"Indigents" is the nice word
Her father thinks he said Italians
"Oh. Sir, I realize people wont understand this for decades but as a security guard, I secure PROPERTY, people arent part of my deal. If your daughter was a stereo or a bag of makeup or some underwear we could talk."
That's him showing restraint
Ironically, she turned down the protection of the security guard who strangled her.
"Ol' Pocket Pool Pete? He's harmless, just wants to take the kids for a ride"
I mean, do we know that was his plan if she had said yes, or is he just a classic wannabe cop who can't handle women's rejection?
IF they cleared out the drug dealers then who would go to the mall?!
That huge unauthorized street market could be anything, we have no way to tell
I'm going with both.
Maybe he's shy and is the type who used to hit girls he had a crush on
"Sir, those are just kiosks, they sell phones and shit. You can get your ears pierced but probably not a dime bag."
"The pushers are also harmless! They shank the children who aren't clever enough to run away! It's part of a delicate ecosystem!"
The food court would never be in the black again!
the point is we shouldn't ruin this promising young strangler's life over this one single strangling"
Sbarros would go out of business! The local economy would collapse!
Patricia wishes she could be strangled so she didn't have to go to school
Damn it i had 'nerd friend jealous of the victim' on the bingo card but removed it for the Pogs joke
Stupid fucking unstrangleable Patty with her dumb ass bulky sweaters.
"Awake?" cackled the victim's mother.
"remember the mall strangler? He's back! In pog form."
Jennifer's mom has some severe nerve damage, apparently
Jennifer is the most insufferable kind of teen, the kind that goes to school after a brush with death.
Kathryn double stepped you by being just as stupid as you thought she was!
Jennifer's mom has got it going on (parkinson's)
Mrs. Merrill has-
dammit, SCOOPED
Um, the woke term is unharmful, pig.
I resent that
Jennifer probably cant wait to get to school so she doesnt have to listen to her moms Tourettes outbursts.
Jennifer, your IQ has dropped 20 points due to oxygen deprivation. Your application to manage this Zale's has been accepted.
The rich chocolate hue of the hispanic
Jennifer wants to find out if she can be strangled at school too
I had a friend who worked at Zale's and was killing it in sales, but they fired her because she didn't get enough people to sign up for credit cards, and that was the first time I knew capitalism's efficiency is a lie.
Patty longs to be as accepted and chokeable as the white girls.
Exactly how teens work. Definitely.
Jesus Christ, Kathryn, we were joking about the racism.
this novel is losing the focus of 'lone girl stuck in mall with killer.' Can't we ever just get to the point?
"They all feel pretty bad about how you got choked and are even dumber now, on account of the choking."
No.
Such a handsome young man
I'm sure he's fine
Jennifer is beloved across every class. They love how she lets people take more napkins than they need when she's on the register
All I know about this killer is he's inept, only strikes twice a year, and is facing a determined team of adults taking this seriously.
Damn it Jennifer we already marked 'Cute Boy' on the bingo card move along
Mike Foley, huh.
Or, no, he's going to kill himself because his brother's too edgy
There are usually at least six
She fucking stole Curt Hiss' backstory.
What the fuck.
Also, wearing your tennis jacket on the football field is a bit of a mixed metaphor, Pete
New call, Pete did it
Get it together
Pete is an expert strangler
I predict we're going to learn a secret which is a clear concrete reason why pete killed himself
And used that to fake his own death, and then strangle his way to vengence
Speaking as someone who's brother sold drugs and was put away for robbery, Pete sounds like a wuss.
I have no idea what a "lower field" is supposed to be
This author is two for two on Black friend sidekicks, but to her credit she mostly dodges stereotypes.
We're going to find out Pete was an idiot who tried to make a prop body but REALLY screwed up how to hang it
This one's supposed to be Hispanic, but Kathryn's never actually seen one
We'll see how well this statement holds up
And what kind of asshole doesnt hang himself in his letterman's jacket?!
Anyway, it was cool that our hero's dad wasn't a dick about his racism because Patty was one of the Hardworking Ones.
Oh god I just grokked Brendan's name change.
Fuck.
Fuck
lol.
Lmao.
You know, the very Hispanic name "Patricia McMurphey"
hahahaha, hell yes, @Brendan!™
oh I thought everyone had reacted to that earlier and I missed it