108: The Stalker Nicole Davidson

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"So kathryn, is your new book a thriller?"

"Thriller? I hardly know 'er! Ha ha ha! But seriously no, not really"

Brendan!™

You know, in the Bible it was your responsibility to marry your dead bro's wife so she'd be taken care of, and all your children together would be counted as his, not yours, and that is the sin of Onanism: failing to finish inside and give a woman a retirement plan, not this masturbation bullshit the priests want you to believe.

gellaho

Listen, if it's good enough for Hank Hill, it's good enough for Gary

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

but if you sleep with your uncle's wife you have revealed your uncle's nakedness and must be put to death

gellaho

Sad trombone

sexdick jakesy

I sell compact discs and compact disc accessories

FancyShark

"I meant to say I hope you die. Wait! That came out wrong!"

Velo Martingale

Oh please more of this scene, more of Gary accidentally saying things like 'bottleneck' 'breathing room' 'choked until you lose conciousness'

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Gary's ambition: Work for the CD store until he dies.

gellaho

Maybe your dad should be looking out for you if you're doing weird stuff like that

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"well, as they say, wrap a wire round my throat and collapse my windpipe if I'm wrong..."

Brendan!™

Ben is possing. It's better than negging because you insult OTHER women to pay the one you want a compliment.

FancyShark

"I just want to squeeze your neck like a tube of toothpaste. WAIT!"

Velo Martingale

I read that as 'Her father had already choked out eight boys' and I was so happy

gellaho

Ew

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Troy........oh yeah the guy that didnt prevent you from being strangled and is 21? You're dating him? Hmm.....Hey they're running a special on shotgun shells at the sporting goods store!"

Brendan!™

Ben, a teenager, is very into barely legal tennis athletes, what a perv.

Brendan!™

/giphy beverly hills teens troy fuck you for abandoning me giphy

gellaho

Unemployed ranch hands? What is this, the 1890s?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Jennifers dad out there being objectively right.

FancyShark

mmmm, ranch hands

sexdick jakesy

Cash, ass, grass, or orange Julius, nobody rides for free

Velo Martingale

"Most of the guards are just Orange Julius employees, allowed to vent their orange rage."

Brendan!™

Nothing better after a grueling 16-hour workday of hard manual laborthan strolling the mall clucking at Arcade Perverts, boy a I tell you hwhat.

FancyShark

She's going to be so embarrased when that strangulation store opens up next week

Brendan!™

Americans do love ranch.

gellaho

It's irrelevant anyway, because Troy skips the date to mess around with Mike

Velo Martingale

It was all a comical misunderstanding!

Yes Pete, avenge yourself. Convince your brother you're a ghost!

gellaho

Oh, I've heard about that place. Carradine's?

sexdick jakesy

Just the general idea of drug dealers trying to drum up business is hilarious

FancyShark

Heyooo!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Dude, what are you, six? Even if I was selling drugs, you think those fuckin kids can afford them? Also when does anyone give them away for free?! Youre a security guard for a reason."

Velo Martingale

"Maybe I'm note here for the reason you think. Maybe I'm here to see my little brother and apologize to him before he takes another life"

sexdick jakesy

The people want the drugs, they come to you

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

haha shut up he's not pete

sexdick jakesy

Oh it's Halloween I better run my Free Fentanyl promo this month

Brendan!™

Nobody can afford drugs less than preteens at the arcade

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Also Im not about to take life advice from a dude who dropped out of college to walk around a mall."

gellaho

Troy apparently knows something about Pete's suicide. Which Kathryn counts as intrigue

Brendan!™

The arcade a half mile from my house stayed open in winter one year and I was stealing all my dad's quarters after three days.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"If you keep fucking harassing me, I will sue your employer and get you fired, you realize that, right?"

GDC's Quivering Thews

The cartels like him because they don't have to break bills for change

Velo Martingale

"I'm no one, certainly not your brother in disguise!"

gellaho

Jesus Christ, Jennifer, keep it in your pants

Brendan!™

Mike is insulted. He's here to strangle children, not corrupt them.

FancyShark

Every book, without fail, the main character is stupid in the face of hormones

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Jesus someone get that girl a fuckin mop.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

he tastes wonderful

Brendan!™

Wait, is this a SECOND secret undercover mobster narc FBI guy?

gellaho

"Please ignore my nipples"

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Yeah at this point it feels safe to say Kathryn is one of those self-hating types

Brendan!™

When you blow off the girl you love who owes you her life because she's too close to your undercover cop investigation, then accidentally fall into her mouth while trying to explain.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

she clocked the fiber wire

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Its not a gun, its my erection."

FancyShark

"It's just a neck I was saving until I got home. It's nothing."

gellaho

Mike is cool under pressure

gellaho

No, wait, the opposite

Brendan!™

THIS GUY IS WEARING A WIRE FUCKING DO HIM

BRAT TAT TAT

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Jennifer, its.........fucking America in the 90s. Of course its a gun, and of course he's allowed to have it.

Ozzie

A caramel roll?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

unless I'm much mistaken, it's fucking texas

Velo Martingale

A LUMP OF FEAR THE SIZE OF A CARAMEL ROLL LODGED IN HE THROAT AND SHE SQUEALED OUT OF THE LOT.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

It's called concealed carry and its part of your second amendment rights, I thought you lived in Texas.

gellaho

Oh, and just in case you didn't get it, Kathryn's hear to explain it very slowly

Brendan!™

Oh Jennifer! How can you have been such a silly thing as to fall for a gun-toting Mall Bad Boy AGAIN?

FancyShark

It's a callback to how she works in a LEGALLY DISTINCT CINNABON shop

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

a .45 is a big fucking gun right?

Ozzie

I don't know a lot about guns but that feels like an insane handgun for this guy to have.

sexdick jakesy

A small lump of fear the size of a large lump of fear

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Fairly big yeah.

sexdick jakesy

A 45 automatic lol

Ozzie

Out here riding dirty with Joshua Graham's quest reward gun.

sexdick jakesy

Was he planning on dislocating his shoulder tonight

gellaho

Kathryn really gives us the female perspective we typically miss out on in The Book Cage

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

paul blart with the big iron on his hip

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

He's got that extended clip.

Velo Martingale

i would give anything for Kathryn to write a single Steele

Brendan!™

Chocolate chip cookies are the red wine of good girls in high school.

FancyShark

And oreos are the vodka

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Jennifer you decided that him having a gun was a good reason to stop kissing, this is on you.

Ozzie

Cookie dough is too wrong-side-of-the-tracks

Brendan!™

If we hit $50k we can have it.

gellaho

Jesus Christ, Patty, keep it in your pants

Brendan!™

Troy was an edgy mall cop who ate raw flour.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"practically an adult" "omg we were NOT kissing shut up omg"

Brendan!™

This is honestly too much for any high school brain to deal with. From first kiss to "He has a gun!" in five seconds.

FancyShark

Everyone's a damn owl in this book. Stop hooting!

sexdick jakesy

Troy later on in the book "defending" the mall

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Patty you are really focused on the wrong thing.

Brendan!™

Man, to have this kind of 21-year old kineticism again.

gellaho

Jennifer decides to investigate Mike by going to the movies

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

that new suspense film

sexdick jakesy

Yes this is how human teen girls speak

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

What the hell kind of movie is just called "lightning bolt"........

And is a suspense film?

Velo Martingale

One that's rad as hell

GDC's Quivering Thews

So this author is actually a middle aged guy, right?

Velo Martingale

This author has never been younger than 70

gellaho

Later, Jennifer decides to start the date with some spanking

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Kathryn is the kind of person who was a dusty old fart about the time she hit puberty.

Octo: JINGLE ENGINE

It's a crime thriller where a vengeful man installs lightning rods on the houses of his enemies

Velo Martingale

I hope her Dad gets choked but in a way he doesn't enjoy

Brendan!™

A movie is a terrible first date, Jen, you chowderhead.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hurray, punitive child abuse!

gellaho

What, you don't want her writing consultant services? https://kathrynjohnsonllc.com/

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Theres no chance at all this made Jennifer weird!

Brendan!™

Jen's dad gets angry as a matter of principle and hits her with a belt. Anyway, what do you do for fun?

Brendan!™

Pay her to write a Steele, you cowards.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"now I don't even pick up money that belongs to me without sweating and twitching heavily. It was a good lesson"

Velo Martingale

Oh shit I think she spoke at my school once

Brendan!™

No way

gellaho

Anyway, Louise is out with the leprechaun

gellaho

We've already had one writer ruin Steele, I don't need another

Looking at you, Victor Milan

GDC's Quivering Thews

I'd recognize that attempted groping anywhere

Velo Martingale

Different Kathrine Johnson

Damn that was close

BEN YOU LEAVE THAT 13 YEAR OLD ALONE

SHE WAS 12 LAST YEAR BEN

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh shit is that right?

Velo Martingale

Yeah Louise is a freshman

gellaho

Later, they run into Patty and the skeezy brother

FancyShark

Burgers: Things you can share

gellaho

17, but sure

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

haha

phew

Brendan!™

I would like a mega burger with everything and the world in which not to sweat it.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Mike and Troy staring daggers at each other like cats.

Velo Martingale

Oh right Caroline was the 13 year old he was hitting on

My bad

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

yeah this is an awkward double date for many reasons

most of which are probably the secret twist reasons

gellaho

I think tennis and wrestling might be more common than field hockey, Kathryn

Velo Martingale

Mike is shocked other people can see Troy. Troy is still trying to convince Mike that he's a ghost

gellaho

Hey, maybe your dead brother sucked

Velo Martingale

"This a weird a conversation to have on a date." Jennifer said as the hands closed around her windpipe

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

what every college lad likes to hear, about the local high schools extracurriculars.

gellaho

"THAT'S RIGHT, HE'S JUST LIKE FROSTED FLAKES!"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh he was imperfect. Ok that explains why someone faked his suicide

that's good practice for later Jennifer

Brendan!™

Do you know how many nacho chips I would eat in the time it took me to say that sentence without pausing?

FancyShark

Syrupy Waterfall was a Prince album, right?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Troy is so bad at conversation.

Velo Martingale

7

gellaho

What a great date

FancyShark

I guess we're not getting dessert

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Mike you are officially allowed to stab Troy now.

Velo Martingale

please let them get dessert and eat it in awkward silence

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

what a tangled web we weave when first we something something mall soda

GDC's Quivering Thews

I'll have what he's having!

gellaho

Time for a brawl

Velo Martingale

Mall soda brawl!

Brendan!™

I think it's time we moved this to more private circumstances, what do you two say?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

HJ==

=

GDC's Quivering Thews

Who would have thought that insulting someone's beloved dead brother would go poorly?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

ah he's a badass mercenary for hire type

Velo Martingale

Troy unceremoniously shoots Mike as Jennifer goes to get her second Lemon Lime Soda of the night

Brendan!™

Jen is dating a man she can seriously believe might shoot a rival in the back of the head at a bowling alley.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

drifitng from town to town, solving crimes, fucking teens, fleeing fathers

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

My cat is disappointed in the lack of Texas Handjobs.

gellaho

Well, that escalated

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"nachos are FLYING in this HEATED battle!"

FancyShark

Jennifer's brain doesn't work at the same speed as other people's, but she does eventually reach the same destination

Velo Martingale

oh so she can't say 'fuck' but that's fine

gellaho

No matter, next page she ignores that thought and immediately picks him back up

Ozzie

0 to 0 to 0 to 60

FancyShark

And the drama is thwarted

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Girl you were 100 percent sure he was going to execute Mike on the floor of a Legally Distinct A&W.

Ozzie

Dimly like darkly or dimly like stupidly?

Velo Martingale

Well she does have that post strangulation brain damage

We all thought that wouldn't come up again, but here we are

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

yeah, I think that was meant to be "faintly"

FancyShark

There's what Kathryn meant and there's what we know

gellaho

Troy goes back his motel room and reveals that he is the Weasel

FancyShark

Pauly Shore! Someone stop him!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Troy is played by Pauly Shore, confirmed.

FancyShark

Or this is Cocktails, in which case, HELL YES

gellaho

The next morning, he abducts Mike

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

wait a second... this is stupid

Ozzie

"Do it or you'll regret it, man!" is exactly how Encino man Pauly Shore would deliver that.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"I killed your brother, because I am a fed and I needed someone to help me move crack into.......look nevermind why."

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

fuckin spy kids, what is happening

gellaho

Horror book for teens turns into buddy cop movie

Velo Martingale

We're not getting that scare space, and I'm not getting bingo

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Mike being a Texas kid should not be that surprised someone has a gun.

Like cmon Mike, you've seen three bigger guns on the way to the bathroom.

GDC's Quivering Thews

You're in a small conservative town, everyone has a rifle in their truck

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Also Troy if you're a cop or a fed you really should not be recruiting this teen.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

he's part of the spy kids initiative

FancyShark

Or horning after another teen

gellaho

Meanwhile, the girls have eggs

gellaho

Symbolism?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

they neglected to put in a rule about the agents aging out of the program

Ozzie

Troy got lost on the way to 21 Jump Street and landed here.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Imported marmalade = sex.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

jennifer's mother has a legit undiagniosed disorder

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I dunno, marmalade is alright.

Velo Martingale

Jennifer's mother is a strangler

and possibly also pete in disguise

gellaho

I'm keeping this for the next time someone complains about men writing women

Brendan!™

This woman writes women like a man who's never met a woman.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Oh shes the girl from Labyrinth.

Cool.

gellaho

Wow, that was quick

Eerie Queen Mordred 👑

She's not like other girls, you see

FancyShark

Hi, @Eerie Queen Mordred 👑 !

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Simon Hawke writes women better than at least one woman, then. Stay winning, Hawke.

Velo Martingale

Jennifer's room is massive

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

if a man wrote it of course he would say something about how this room makes her tender and fresh and other words that apply to meat

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"The soft qualities of the room indicated she was well marbled."

Brendan!™

No no--leave the mask on.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Incidentally if you are about to do sex and your partner compliments you on being "well marbled" you need to escape.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

but by the time he says this escape will be impossible

gellaho

OK, but what's his real name?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Thats why you always have your tactical butt plug in, its heavy enough to kill with and has a firmly grippable surface.

Eerie Queen Mordred 👑

This woman likes to use the name Troy, huh?

Unless this is the same Troy?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

her real name, gellaho

Brendan!™

I get this all the time but it refers to the interlacing of fat through such soft, undeveloped muscle as I have from drinking beer and eating grain.

gellaho

I think Kathryn forgot Troy isn't a cop

Eerie Queen Mordred 👑

This does not seem like it would be that profitable. Not enough to live on.

Brendan!™

Weird tax form.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

forgot or never knew?

gellaho

Money went a long way in 1990s East Texas

GDC's Quivering Thews

They never get busted because the sheriff needs his bourbon.

Brendan!™

Security guards don't need warrants. They have a license to spill.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

maybe she thinks mall security are real deputized officers

Velo Martingale

"Hello, Judge? This is Troy Black, Mall Cop. I need- he hung up."

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

they supplement it by falling down in casinos now and then

gellaho

Mike starts jumping on the truck

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

why is this the plot now

FancyShark

Yes, antagonize the hillbilly stereotypes in 1990s Texas, kid

gellaho

Then kicks out the windshield

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Again, this being Texas, how is Mike even alive now?

Velo Martingale

This is good cop/bad cop except it's Mall Cop and Mike

FancyShark

Kathryn struggles with things like coherency and page count

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

yeah the author has definitely forgotten this character is not a cop

gellaho

Bart thought that suicide was hi-larious

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Dude, I know you're real "country" and all but you realize I'm a fuckin mall cop? My authority ends at the Hot Topic.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"WE ARE VILLAINS AND THUS CAN BE ANTAGONIZED BY THESE CHARACTERS"

"DO NOT PITY US, DEAR READER"

FancyShark

Bart giggled at the pictures of Mai Lai, too

gellaho

All that got them the valuable information that, uh, Pete was at the mall

gellaho

So, worth it?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"All we did was sell Pete a speedball! Honest! And some opium to even him out but thats all!"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"and some rope..."

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Actually that was more of a rental situation."

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

so it was money for old rope?

Velo Martingale

So it all comes back around to... The mall. This place we've been the whole time.

gellaho

"Obviously, the mall is haunted by a disgruntled FYE employee"

FancyShark

Three victims isn't enough for you to have subcategories for them

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

It's probably just her dad trying to teach her a lesson about walking near poor people and hooligans.

gellaho

So now we get Mike's perspective, and his brilliant plan

Velo Martingale

Mike is Keyser Soze

FancyShark

And the selling of the drugs was to...?

gellaho

This happened once, so obviously this is how you solve every crime

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Look, sometimes you have to sell drugs to get justice done, according to the CIA and many many cops.

Brendan!™

I'm more concerned why a small-town paper ran a front-page photo of a dead teenager in his suicide.

Velo Martingale

My plan is to wait in sketchy bars until someone gets drunk and confesses to murder

Velo Martingale

Gotta increase reader count somehow

sexdick jakesy

That's been my plan the last 20 years too

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"I sell crack for justice"

imagine mike giving this explanation when the sheriff inevitably brings him in

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Mike.........Mike buddy, that was an episode of Walker: Texas Ranger.

GDC's Quivering Thews

The sheriff doesn't really seem like he's doing much.

Brendan!™

This is just bad economics. You could resell that dope at up prices, or just appear to buy it by asking junkies if they had any they'd share/sell when you know they won't.

I'm a better criminal than Mike.

AND vigilante.