108: The Stalker Nicole Davidson

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

What is Gary's ambition again?

gellaho

FancyShark

Please let them analyze the handwriting and realize it's not even Pete's

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I mean if the suicide was fake I would just assume he didn't write the note

Velo Martingale

Troy and Loy are butt buddies, as they were called in the 90s

FancyShark

Very

gellaho

Don't worry about it

sexdick jakesy

One day he'll the the manager of a small time mall store

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

look, this inner monologue seems pretty convincing but somehow troy is the killer

Velo Martingale

Troy is Gary

We're doing a fightclub

gellaho

Troy, if you weren't expecting them to give testimony, what exactly was your plan?

gellaho

Mr "Prelaw"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh look troy doesn't want evidence

WEIRD

sexdick jakesy

Also this was 1990, you could just move towns and print out a new social security card and nobody would have any way to know

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Also. Hey Troy, its creepy as FUCK when you refer to the teen you are kinda dating as "Little Jennifer"

Velo Martingale

You could hand write your own new social security card on a sticky note

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Also this seems like Gary could beat this rap pretty easily anyway.

GDC's Quivering Thews

The sheriff is getting a chub at the opportunity to brutalize the houseless

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Like at the very least, two non cops have collected this evidence, which is simply two unhoused eye witnesses and no kind of physical evidence.

gellaho

The homeless people aren't there the moment they arrive, so obviously they're gone forever?

Velo Martingale

They're absolutely dead in an elevator

please

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

yeah even if troy wasn't the murderer, any decent defence would have gary walking free

Velo Martingale

it would count as a scare

FancyShark

Damn ninja hoboes

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Now I may not be a big city lawyer but that seems like grounds for a mistrial.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

wait what was troy hiding?

hiding a murderous sigh of relief?!

Velo Martingale

We should've seen this coming. Hobos are people, not Things. They can't stay at that store.

gellaho

Checking in on Jennifer

gellaho

Great.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I dont know why theyd be scared of a fucking teen wiener who works at Radio Shack but whatever.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

NO ONE CARES JENNIFER

Velo Martingale

Jennifer I don't want to sound mean but this story was better when you died

GDC's Quivering Thews

She's been training for slapfights backhand league

FancyShark

"God, Jennifer. Will you give me just FIVE MINUTES OF SILENCE?!"

gellaho

Just like a leprechaun

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

is this relevant?

FancyShark

"Probably because the syphilis I gave her devoured the speech center of her brain"

Velo Martingale

There is a murderous Gary out there

sexdick jakesy

Dippin his rainbow in another pot of gold

Classic

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

is this gonna be the innocuous comment that inspires her to solve the case

like every episode of House

Velo Martingale

Old habits... Die hard...

Gary was convicted of theft as a minor

gellaho

Jennifer, do you get a commission from Ben or what?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Ben, just stop trying for the three way, its not going to happen.

Velo Martingale

And he likes Bruce Willis, who chokes people!

A sheep hiding inside a wolf's skin...

Gary is wearing Troy's skin like a suit!

gellaho

Hahahahahahahahahahaha

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Hey you're that girl who got strangled in a mall and is dating a college dropout, right? Mind your own fuckin business."

GDC's Quivering Thews

Growing up where she did, Louise lacks the vocabulary to express that she's not straight

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

that seems like a lot

FancyShark

JFC, eight?

Velo Martingale

I think that might be fatal

FancyShark

Right out of the oven?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Fuck me, if these are Cinnabon style ones then that is unironically maybe more than you should eat in a day.

FancyShark

Jennifer, if your body can still produce insulin, it's still filled with second degree burns

GDC's Quivering Thews

To be honest if I worked at cinnabun I would eat most of the inventory too

gellaho

Jennifer meets her dad at the... Beef Pit

Velo Martingale

Assumingthey have the same sugar as a cinnabon that's 1,928 grams of sugar

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Jennifer's heart is pumping more sugar and dough than blood now.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

the stuffed horse is an odd choice

FancyShark

The Beef Pit was a strip club but was quickly shut down

FancyShark

ooooo, she dead

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Ew shes going to the popular date restaurant with her DAD?!

gellaho

She decides her short tempered father is the best person to spill this information to

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

She might as well have died, she will never recover.

GDC's Quivering Thews

Which is crazy since 8 cinnabuns only weigh 1700 grams

gellaho

Also, can't be that long. He's in fucking high school

Velo Martingale

Her dad did it

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I can't wait for the reveal that it was actually troy

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Her dad immediately murders Gary.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

actually yeah that sounds likely

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

And then gets got by the Medellin Cartel who Gary was working with.

FancyShark

Jennifer's going to try to win every argument with her dad using this

Velo Martingale

You're right, 1,928 grains of sugar

FancyShark

"I don't like that boy you've been seeing."

"Yeah, well, you're clearly a great judge of character. Remember when you hired a murderer?"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Hey dad, you remember when you tried to set me up with that guy with a bright future robbing you blind? I think I need a new car this year."

gellaho

How dare her father stop her from working at the location where her attempted murderer is

FancyShark

You said your father's temper was legendary, Jennifer. Why did you think he wouldn't "wig out"?

gellaho

I mean, probably

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

frankly this response seems understated

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Huh, this is a pretty normal and reasonable reaction for a dude who beat his daughter for stealing pennies as a kid.

FancyShark

"Wonderful, blessed, most holy Troy"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

he's seething with a quiet fury

he's about to enact 3 saw films on gary at once

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

And Jennifer, Gary is a Gary and your dad can probably handle him, and Troy HAS A FUCKING GUN!

sexdick jakesy

Yeah but Gary has ambition

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

he does taste wonderful, we know this from earlier

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Gary has to try fucking Wile E Coyote shit to whack people if he doesnt take them by surprise.

gellaho

Well, now she thinks it's her dad

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

He's failed to kill a normal teen girl by surprise, which is basically the easiest kind of murder you can do.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

that's stupid

gellaho

Or both of them

gellaho

Because of the...

The...

Insurance money

FancyShark

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

so this is predicated on her not recognizing her father's voice, and her thinking it was suspicous that he assumed rewiring an elevator requires hands

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

ITS ALWAYS THE INSURANCE MONEY!

FancyShark

ALWAYS!

Velo Martingale

Insurance is a thing!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Also predicated on her dad strangling her but not like...........finishing her off later when he has the chance.

FancyShark

@sexdick jakesy ! IT HAPPENED!

sexdick jakesy

THE INSURANCE MONEY

sexdick jakesy

ITS ALWAYS THE INSURANCE MONEY!!

Velo Martingale

Does everyone agree this feels like a scooby-doo esque reveal?

FancyShark

:yeeeeeshark:

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

no, I'm rejecting this

I'm going to comfortably wait for the real reveal

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Also damn Jennifer's dad, you cant even strangle a teen girl to death? Fuck man, you got old way early.

gellaho

I feel like being at work at 10:15 isn't worth the scam

gellaho

Also the double murders

FancyShark

It does not. But if you rewrite what's in that box, I don't think anyone will hold it against you

Velo Martingale

I can't, it's a matter of honor

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Troy is going to get the pleasure of double murdering a Gary and his girlfriends evil dad!

Velo Martingale

Also I feel like this book is going to end with an ad for pogs

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Just like Pokemon.

gellaho

Would he?

Velo Martingale

that's not how that works Kathryn

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Kathryn.........what?

gellaho

If you are going to make a three by three bingo sheet, you certainly can't cheat to get bingo

FancyShark

I mean, relatively, sure. But someone in their forties is still going to struggle a bit

Velo Martingale

Exactly

When I make the ten by ten, then I can cheat

GDC's Quivering Thews

That's less unbelievable than the elevator thing.

gellaho

You know what's a bad choice? Taking your fucking shoes off

FancyShark

She needs to blend in with the navajo white walls

Velo Martingale

Take off the socks Jennifer I have a Bingo to win

gellaho

Oh, the lights go out again. That's never really been explained

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Jennifer, Die Hard wasnt a documentary..........its a Christmas movie.

Velo Martingale

It's the ghost of Pete!

gellaho

This is the 90s, those walls are covered in all sorts of pastels and crazy shapes

FancyShark

This is definitely coming up at Thanksgiving

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

only a true mall cop could turn off all those lights

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

It would be supremely funny if someone just shut off the light while going out and didnt realize she was in there, and she is now talking to herself.

gellaho

Gary got into the meds

Velo Martingale

God damn it Kathryn a teenager crying hoarsely into the darkness, begging her father not to kill her should be scary!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I'm now imagining if Friday the 13th had been written by Kathryn.

sexdick jakesy

Hahaha I can't believe it's her dad

FancyShark

Mrs. Voorhees would be a background decoration

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

don't worry it's not

they're just selling betamax units off the back of a truck

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I think Gary and Dad are just fucking.

gellaho

Alright, listen Kathryn, a little lesson on male anatomy: the ball shot is way worse than a kick to the instep

GDC's Quivering Thews

They're trading electronics for moonshine with that couple in the station wagon.

sexdick jakesy

Not when you have special ball protection underwear

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Gary you fucking suck, didnt you read ANY of those self defense books?

Velo Martingale

Gary can't even die good

Gary's the assistant manager of getting his ass kicked

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Jennifer should dispatch him with a quick stomp to the throat before moving on.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

no not the throat

the imprenetrable throat

gellaho

OK, Kathryn, lesson number 2: linebackers play defense

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

you'd need some sort of knotted rope to have any chance

gellaho

Gary's big plan is Mexico

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Gary, you lost one exchange with a teen girl already. Just leave while your balls still work.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

hmmmmmm

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hahahahahaha Gary's plan to get rich is "open a small business."

Velo Martingale

Gary, he's not sending you to mexico

Velo Martingale

he's going to kill you, Gary, because you suck

gellaho

Well, I guess you're getting feet after all

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I'd kill him too, just because he's too stupid to live.

FancyShark

"All I have to do is meet up with some people that have an ice bath prepared for me"

BINGO

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

stereo receivers are pretty big

could use them as a weapon

sexdick jakesy

She's going to have to walk across the glass using the power of friendship to dull the pain

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

wow die hard

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Wow imagine finding that many glass soda bottles in one place.

Velo Martingale

gellaho

You could just tell that from a glance, huh?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

wow I can't believe troy was telling the truth

FancyShark

:Bingo:

You fool! Then he'll become Electroy!

gellaho

Well, who needs feet anyway?

sexdick jakesy

Looks like dear ol dad is the murderer after all

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I mean its not the voltage that kills you, but whatever, I wouldnt expect that much research from Kathryn.

FancyShark

Which means Brendan guessed it, I think?

gellaho

Seriously, why though

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

OOh man Troy had better break up with her or be prepared to never win an argument again.

sexdick jakesy

Andy Dufresne, who crawled through a river of shit and came out the other side

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Hey remember that time I walked over broken glass to save your life?"

"I think you'll find you really want to do the dishes."

gellaho

But, he has a gun though

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"Oh no don't arrest me, mr pre-law fbi undercover intern"

fuckin lunacy

sexdick jakesy

A gun that in no way he can fire at range with any accuracy

Velo Martingale

Oh I get his motivation now

gellaho

Rawr

FancyShark

This is still more coherent than many of Kathryn's other books. No less stupid, though

Velo Martingale

"I won't let my plan be foiled by a fucking socoiology major playing intern for a local sherrif."

That's a strong motivation

The envelope is a bomb

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Well I'm not really happy with you either miss "dating a mall cop."

FancyShark

When do we meet the stalker?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

he opens the envelope and it's just a garotte

sexdick jakesy

The stalker was inside us all along

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

like the poison berries at the end of hunger games

sexdick jakesy

Ugh, spoilers

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Ohhhhhhhhhh the stalker is a metaphor for the dread you feel when your dad is strangling you and its NOT sexual, I get it now.

gellaho

Well, he couldn't have been watching Gary that carefully

Velo Martingale

Humming Axel F. by Crazy Frog because it's 1992

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

let me remind you all that this story started with troy kissing nearly-dead jennifer and riding in the ambulance with her when she didn't even know his name

gellaho

She has a book called Fan Mail that actually has a stalker, but she couldn't call it that because she used it here

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Some dads strangle their children on purpose and still get a birthday card.

sexdick jakesy

Blood is thicker than water

But thinner than neck cheese

gellaho

And we didn't read Fan Mail because the first half of the book was about a girl auditioning for a part in a movie

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

about as focused as this then

Velo Martingale

Oh yeah Ben's whole storyline means nothing, huh

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Kathryn would do better to just write novels that dont have a body count attached.

GDC's Quivering Thews

Troy has like 3 nested jobs and he sucks at all of them.

gellaho

Jennifer remembers advice from the horny leprechaun

FancyShark

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Things you'd give to like your daughter to scare her out of being sexually active like Adventures in Babysitting.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

strangler, murderer, liar?

gellaho

She does. The most any of these books has is 1

Nobody died in Surprise Party, a kid just drank cocaine

Velo Martingale

Aside from this one you mean

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Yeah but she could just drop that angle entirely.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

drank cocaine?

Velo Martingale

This is her dark period

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Yup.

FancyShark

It doesn't make sense out of context. Or in context.

gellaho

Jennifer attempts to escape a trunk by acting like a cat

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

It was incredibly dumb. A real Five Rivets For the Oubliette Lid.

Velo Martingale

Jennifer's going to die so much

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

imagine stepping on glass so bad you bleed out

FancyShark

This kidnapping brought to you by BMW

gellaho

It's too bad she only has access to the most well stocked trunk in the world

Velo Martingale

The B stands for Books

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Jennifer, I know they still talk about German engineering but.........tail lights, dingus.

Her dad better just run Troy over and escape to Mexico.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh yeah maybe that big metal rod

FancyShark

I like how her dad's entire plan hinges on extradition laws not being a thing

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

try the maps first then the tire jack if that doesn't work

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

To be fair being in Mexico does decrease your changes of being jailed.

gellaho

Well, she gets out using the tire jack (who would have guessed)

FancyShark

An angry white man is going to get maybe ten feet into Mexico

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Mexican cops have bigger things to worry about than collecting dipshits for the US.

He could probably drive most of the way to Argentina where angry white men go to start new lives.

gellaho

I'm sure it was fine and dandy in the nineties

GDC's Quivering Thews

Modern cars have a trunk release switch inside the trunk for just such an occasion.

gellaho

Based on how people obsess about the decade

GDC's Quivering Thews

That decision to take her shoes off is coming back to bite her

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

all this walking on embedded glass shards is certainly distressing

gellaho

Jennifer's dad decides to try and attack with the jack. Troy uses gun

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

but it just seems like she could have not walked on glass in the first place

Velo Martingale

Well he's dead as fuck

Congrats Jennifer!

gellaho

It's super effective

FancyShark

"And that's my college thesis," said Troy.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

ok watching your dad be electrocuted to death is way more gruesome than that

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Yup, Troy has committed the basic mistake of not shooting Dad dead immediately and now cannot possibly kill him before getting his skull caved in, according to police training videos I've seen.

gellaho

Just pick a pronoun, Kathryn, you're writing the book

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

haha

Velo Martingale

Nah it's fine he was a prick

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

no I mean your shoulder blades burst through your skin

Velo Martingale

Yeah and he was a prick so it's fine

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hahahah Kathryn you say that like you dont know for sure what crimes he did and like they're trying to fuck him up on purpose.

gellaho

"I don't care your dad killed my boyfriend. I've had five boyfriends since then!"

GDC's Quivering Thews

I think it's been established that grief counseling is actively frowned upon here.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Jennifer, do you know how much social cachet is in being the best friend of a murderers daughter?

Velo Martingale

Or it's super effective!

gellaho

I don't give a shit. Why was this in the book at all

FancyShark

"Cheer up, Jennifer. Troy managed to sneak part of your dad off the crime scene. Want a drumstick?"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Thats how you start a true crime podcast.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

wow all week

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Wow a whole week of not being a pussy hound.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I guess that's a lot in teen relationship time

GDC's Quivering Thews

He hasn't looked at another girl. Women, on the other hand...

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"GMILFs dont count, he said."

Velo Martingale

He hasn't hit on a freshman in almost seven days.