108: The Stalker Nicole Davidson

sexdick jakesy

The direct descendants of the infamous Don McMurphey of the Sinaloa cartel

Ozzie

Think she knows Miguel O'Hara?

gellaho

Definitely unrelated, don't know why I mentioned it

Velo Martingale

Anyways RIP Pete, we didn't get to know you but you sound like you sucked

Brendan!™

Wow, you mean the WHOLE SCHOOL feels bad about me being strangled to death at work?? Far out!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Irish diaspora puts people in places you wouldnt expect.

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Like Steelers fans

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

It's how you get Hondurans named Seamus.

FancyShark

Hi, @Ozzie !

gellaho

Then they gossip about whether a fellow student is pregnant. Really getting the audience on their side

Brendan!™

Weird how she thinks of him as Patty's handsome boyfriend and not Patty's dead boyfriend.

GDC's Quivering Thews

At least pete had a cool brother

FancyShark

Shit, did she set this in my high school?

Velo Martingale

Pregnant with Pete's baby?! The very baby that drove him to fake his own death and strangle his way to vengence?!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Get. That. Teen. Abortion!

Brendan!™

And in prime Heathers era, too.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

some big plays coming from velo today folks, let's see how it works out

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Kids love reading about teen abortion Kathryn!

gellaho

Then we are introduced to the high school gigalo.

FancyShark

Where can you go for a copy of Dante's Inferno and a garden hose? Books N Things!

Ozzie

I come for the books but I stay for the things.

sexdick jakesy

Ben the Cocksman

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

this town is littered with the unclaimed children of Ben Derby

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Damn, Ben kind of rules.

gellaho

I think I see why someone wants to strangle these teens

gellaho

A statutory king

FancyShark

haha, Ben is getting so many women arrested

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Doing his part to keep the world safe for young people.

sexdick jakesy

Education is really parenthetical to my lifestyle

Velo Martingale

Who can forget their ageless jingle 🎶 "When you need things and books go to Books N Things"🎵

Ozzie

Don't hate the player, hate the game.

gellaho

Look at how injured you are, cool right!? And such a cute boy

Velo Martingale

It is pretty cool, Patty

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

He's over 21, hes practically ancient.

FancyShark

"It's so hot how he looks at you like a menu"

Velo Martingale

So we're all on Team Strangle now, right?

FancyShark

I don't trust this author enough to predict the ending. I doubt she even knows where she's going with it yet

Ozzie

She's just worldbuilding.

gellaho

Kathryn's understanding of high school is strange

For one, she seems to think the senior year is completely irrelevant to getting into college

Velo Martingale

And this is how we know Kathryn went to prep school

Ozzie

She did a ton of extra credit with a weighted GPA, narc

gellaho

You know how you apply as a junior, then coast?

FancyShark

Go to the University of Baylor. I understand you can get into any number of jobs in the Infinite Hells

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Jennifer's grandad probably has his name on a building at the college.

gellaho

Yes, I'm sure the private universities loved your two years of foreign language and bullshit independent studies

Velo Martingale

This is actually shockingly accurate to the prep school experience

gellaho

Will Jennifer be proven to be too much of a dumbass for Calc II? I certainly have a guess

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

this is so much setup

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

For no payoff!

Velo Martingale

Well they say 'write what you know' and this is the only experience Kathryn's had in life

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Texas History is like Cleveland Attractive, its on a real fuckin curve.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

you just wait til the Independent Study Infantry roll up to fend off the killer with their paperclips and library books

gellaho

Jennifer bravely goes back to the mall to get her work schedule

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

If even one teen dies it will be tied for most dead teens in these books.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

seriously though as an author what are you thinking filling like a third of your slasher thriller with this slice of life shit

gellaho

Then goes to her dad's store to buy a blues CD?

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

The bees have to know that old woman is dead!!

FancyShark

A third? My friend, she is just getting started

Velo Martingale

Jennifer no the killer already said he gets hard for CDs

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I dont think Kathryn knows shes writing a slasher thriller.

Ugh does she listen to blues?!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

jennifer is a blues fan?

FancyShark

It sold out because they had a stock of three

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Sorry what 90s teen loves the blues?!

Like not even R&B but just straight blues?

Ozzie

Might just be a pop band with a repetitve album title.

gellaho

Jennifer appreciates how high Troy is

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Meet Troy Black

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

It would be way funnier if she came for a copy of Straight Outta Compton.

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Hopefully the book ends with him getting hit by three cars at once.

FancyShark

Guess we know how the drug dealer got past him

Velo Martingale

"I'm Pete- I mean Troy Black, a name I definitely didn't base off a popular young adult book"

gellaho

They go off to eat pizza, because apparently he can do that on the job. After multiple strangulations.

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

I mean it's pizza.

Velo Martingale

To be fair 'Catching killers' is usually outside mall cop jurisdiction

FancyShark

Pizza is the best cure for throat trauma

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

By that metric alone this is the most relatable decision in the book.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"My parents had high hopes for me so I deliberately disappointed them by becoming a security guard."

GDC's Quivering Thews

"what were you taking in college?"

"ropemaking"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Nah Troy majored in Womens Studies.

gellaho

He goes off to torment the suicide brother

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

silly you she was comatose for 2 weeks. She's fine now

Brendan!™

Gigolo nothing, that's a career cub.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Jennifer has a heart condition, she should get that looked at and worry about being strangled less

FancyShark

A WHAT JACKET?!

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Deuce Bigalow: Prepubescent Gigalo was not received well by test audiences.

Velo Martingale

"I'm off to torment my former brother"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Why the fuck would you buy a jacket that feels like sandpaper on the outside?!

Velo Martingale

"He thinks I'm a ghost!"

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Hahaha the silent, unannotated highlighting.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Kathryn did you mean snakeskin?

sexdick jakesy

Off to go match up with the great Federer in the sky

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

it's punk man you wouldn't understand

FancyShark

Majima!

gellaho

Apparently Mike is the one selling drugs at the arcade, which you think Jennifer would have said that in her internal monologue before

FancyShark

Sharks are smooth

gellaho

It's waterproof

Velo Martingale

Okay now this is literally Curt Hiss

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Don't let this book distract you from the fact that Troy Black threw Mike Foley off or through the Hell in the Cell eight times.

gellaho

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"I might not be an angel," the strangler thought to himself

sexdick jakesy

Mike Foley is a Shasta brand wrestler

FancyShark

"Go back to your van down by the river, Foley"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Ohhhhh for doing sea drugs, cool.

sexdick jakesy

He fights the Overtaker

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

dealing sea drugs, you never get high on your own supply

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Because......I dont have to leave this public place? How about fuck you, Rent-A-Pig?"

gellaho

Then Mike literally says "Quit hasslin' me, man" because dialogue is Kathryn's passion

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"For strangling hardworking teens, Troy would have to not Death Wish everyone who annoyed him slightly."

FancyShark

"Whip Inflation Now, man! I like Ike! Peace out!"

Velo Martingale

"Quit hassling me, man!" Was enough for Troy to reach for his gun

Ozzie

I came in late, is he carrying a piece or is he just into nipple play in tense situations?

gellaho

I'll bet his limbs lengthened

Velo Martingale

Troy just passed police academy with this one easy trick

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I think it's deliberately unclear because he's the killer

sexdick jakesy

Getting arm boners like you read about

GDC's Quivering Thews

He keeps his fiberwire in his cleavage

Velo Martingale

"she seemed kind of shaken up about about the whole strangulation thing"

FancyShark

Can you believe how the arm boners he's getting

gellaho

Kathryn really wanted to fuck a security guard in '92

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

ladies all love the mall cop right

sexdick jakesy

Specifically, one who's obsessed with pizza

Hmmm

Velo Martingale

He couldn't let his love for this young highschool girl he met to overshadow his quest for revenge

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Bud you are 21, you should be considering that you should not commit a CRIME by trying to fuck this teen girl.

FancyShark

He swore to never again let the sweet words of a minor tempt him with their siren song away from his true love: Auntie M's Pretzels

GDC's Quivering Thews

Troy's married to the job

And strangling

gellaho

The next day, Jennifer puts on her special uniform for her balls

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

you know how you get a minimum wage security job and you have to buy your own snorkel

Ozzie

Hey, quick question: what?

FancyShark

I'm glad Kathryn is adding some other representation to her books, but this is a bit clumsy

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh wow I have those underwear too

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Hahaha Kathryn what the fuck.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

The tennis outfit is so specific I have to assume Kathryn went to the kind of high school fancy enough to have a tennis court.

gellaho

You know, the skirt with ball underwear

Ozzie

I thought we'd be farther in before she dropped the phrase "special underwear" on us but here we are.

GDC's Quivering Thews

Asic sued to have their brand removed from this book

gellaho

For tennis?

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Hahaha I'm actually cracking the fuck up for real.

Velo Martingale

For when you're playing with balls

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

"Underwear with special pockets for balls". What a hoot

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Yeah who only wants to play with one ball like a fucking tennis peasant.

gellaho

✅ Redhead

sexdick jakesy

Maybe you guys like your balls flopping around the court during a tennis match

I prefer the special underwear

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Damn it "Badger with special pockets for balls" is too long.

gellaho

So, apparently, every woman in the town wants to fuck this high school leprechaun

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

is he 3 foot tall?

Velo Martingale

Yes

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

or is that her only reference for gingers?

Velo Martingale

That's why we know he isn't the strangler, he can't reach

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"He looked like a leprechaun" cos ladies want to steal his lucky charms.

Ozzie

When you said "hornier" I thought "but how?" and I regret it.

Velo Martingale

Oh Ben Derby you absolute himbo, I hope this story follows you instead

gellaho

Then she threatens to kick him in his special ball underwear

GDC's Quivering Thews

Chapter 4: Ben Derby's Cougar Hunt

Brendan!™

Troy Black: Mall Cop

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

It's okay, he has a special underwear pocket for knees.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

does your knee bend bavkwards because he's behind you

FancyShark

"I'm actually into that"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Jen, you need to multiply your age by at least two to get me hard. They dont call me Ben "MILF Hunter" Derby because I settle for teens."

Velo Martingale

It's more of 'pinch' move than a 'strike' move

gellaho

I don't know what you are talking about

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"that would be the dumbest thing to call me if that were true. Think about it, Jen. Jesus."

FancyShark

"Yon lass"?

Fuck you

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Forsooth, this prose doth suck mightily.

Brendan!™

Troy is a bad boy with a badge of gold.

Velo Martingale

Ben you get away from that 13 year old

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

And Jen thinks hes kind of funny, Ben is halfway in her pants already.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

trust me Jen, he can still be dangerous

Ozzie

Kathryn hooked up at a ren faire

Velo Martingale

No one funny has ever done anything bad

GDC's Quivering Thews

He spontaneously grew a neckbeard when he said that

FancyShark

Blacksmith was busy. She made do with the jester

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

He needs to work on his technique tho, you go for the dryhump much later.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oof

GDC's Quivering Thews

Caroline breasted boobily onto the tennis court

gellaho

I mean, I wouldn't use the word "just" for two boyfriends right after your last boyfriend recently committed suicide

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

They probably didnt so much "feel sorry for" her as much as "were hoping for rebound handjobs"

Velo Martingale

And with that, Jennifer earned her second strangulation

FancyShark

"Dating two boys" means "sensitive"? That can't be right

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"I'm sorry your boyfriend hanged himself" dates are the most awkward dates of all

gellaho

I waited a week, and the funeral hasn't happened yet, but I need to get back out there!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

can we cut this page? I don't like it

FancyShark

I'm not going stag to the funeral. God.

Velo Martingale

"The heart wants what the heart wants, and it wanted pete but he's still swinging from the fieldpost, so I have to move on"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

fucking christ guys 😆

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Its great how we know exactly what those two dudes were after because they dont even have names.

gellaho

Oh, and she's interested in her dead boyfriend's skeezy brother

gellaho

That's, cool, right?

Velo Martingale

"He looks like Pete, but less dead."

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Oh fuck me, Patty, thats fucking unhinged.

FancyShark

"He sells heroin to disguise his insecurities."

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"over there in the coat" is a weird way to point out a guy you both know exactly who he is

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

If Mike kills himself are you gonna fuck their dad next?!

gellaho

Not much of a note

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Okay i think Mike is on to something.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"hey mrs pete's dad, do you have any more sons?"

FancyShark

Pete was, tragically, referring to trying to open a Capri Sun

Velo Martingale

"Can't deal with this anymore, signed me, Peat"

Ozzie

Brevity is the soul of wit

sexdick jakesy

But the suicide note was pinned to his shirt like a note to the teacher on a 1st grader

Case closed

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Many a brave man has been defeated by the delicious wiles of the Life Juice Bag.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

ok so paul blart faked the suicide to get revenge on that family for some reason

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Pete probably sold his brother cocaine.

Velo Martingale

I love seeing my stupid theories catch on

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

That might be too clever and exciting for Kathryn to have thought of it tho.

gellaho

Meanwhile, Troy thinks about how he might accost a different high school girl

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

the thing is if you're wrong everything we've read so far is completely pointless and I refuse to believe that

Velo Martingale

'🎵 At Books N Things we sell things and books 🎶 '

FancyShark

Nothing suspicious about imagining catching a teen girl alone

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Louise Smith might have bad eyesight but she had the most strangleable neck."

gellaho

Before accidentally(?) asking Jennifer out

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

"Hey Saturday is a bad time actually, do you want to do Sunday instead"

Boom, easy

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hey Troy. You fucked it.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

as someone who has played heavy rain, these segments from troy's perspective are very familiar

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

You did the thing, my guy. The thing you said you shouldnt.

gellaho

The nerd girl insults a random customer for being bald

gellaho

GDC's Quivering Thews

Eyes on the prize, dude, go clean up that loose end first

Velo Martingale

YEAH BUY A BOOK ABOUT HAVING HAIR, LOSER

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Just remember to guard your heart and dont kiss her on the mouth before you pull the rope tight, Troy.

FancyShark

"Nice work, Troy Old Sport! A real bully ado you've spun for yourself!" thought the young man in 1994

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Remember the old stranglers adage, if you love your stranglee, a haunting for thee.

gellaho

So, anyway, she gets randomly horny looking at an unauthorized biography

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"I really should talk to this potential witness. She might know something about the killer who is me," troy thought

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Louise has glasses, so of course shes horny for non fiction.

FancyShark

She's looking at Phyllis Diller's autobiography

gellaho

She notices teen leprechaun hunk Ben with two girls

Ozzie

Noticed but not slutty? Make up your mind.

FancyShark

Ben whips out his dick and slaps it on the counter. Then falls over because those counters are quite high.

gellaho

Continuing the tradition of books for young adults including the word "bimbo"

gellaho

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Louise, you could just decide you're okay with group sex. Alot of girls do.

sexdick jakesy

The leprechaun kid just turning this bookstore into a water park

gellaho

Have you tried out that line a lot?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"she felt oddly disappointed" same here girl

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I feel like it needs workshopping to be honest.

FancyShark

"I like a girl with a head on her shoulders. Especially where the head meets the shoulders. And how that part can be severed with enough force if you-

Oh, right. I'd like one large caramel bun, please"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Before its ready for field testing.

gellaho

Louise is really into his freckles and ear hair

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Okay come one Louise, sex maniac?

Velo Martingale

"Do you see how strongly i'm gripping this caramel bun? Just squeezing the life out of it? What if that was you? Would that be something you're into?"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

He was perfectly polite and didnt even TRY to smell your hair.

Velo Martingale

Kathryn learns from agatha christie and makes all her characters suspiciously horny for choking

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"I'll just make sure the boy I'm interested in knows I'm not interested in him"

gellaho

Troy!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I guess this is how a lot of teenagers act so

Brendan!™

I'm confused. Patty needs a reminder who Mike is? Patty, dead Pete's widow?

Velo Martingale

Oh

Ozzie

Saturday Morning Jennifer is the best iteration.

gellaho

Boys go crazy for dirt colored pants

Velo Martingale

Well gellaho, when you're really into choking, that kind of reminds you of it

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I love it when my date reminds me of grain.