113: The Eyes of Kid Midas Neal Shusterman

gellaho

The Book Cage: Episode 113 - The Eyes of Kid Midas

Kevin Midas, a stereotypical nerd, is bullied after a school field trip turns into Lord of the Flies. In the middle of the night, without his glasses, he climbs to the top of a mountain and finds a pair of magic sunglasses. These magic sunglasses give him the powers of a god. What could go wrong? Find out this Friday, 5pm Eastern, where we examine this soon to be major motion picture*

(was never actually turned into a major motion picture)

gellaho

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Wish Kid: The Book

Feliz Navidelta

That's a movie?

Sumerian Dick Curse Javo

whoever holds these glasses, if thee be worthy, shall have the power of Bret Hart

FancyShark

Not unless it's The Midas Touch

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119667/

Which, based on the synopsis, went through some heavy rewrites

I think they shelved that movie

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I always hate when children's media puts the word 'kid' in the title. For some reason that's the straw that breaks the camel's back and reminds me it's made by a bunch of 49 year old men arguing in an office about what title will best get those little shits to buy a ticket

FancyShark

Okay, but hear me out

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Like the Kid who Would Be King, or whatever that one was

FancyShark

Kid Chameleon

Feliz Navidelta

Kid in king Arthur's court

Child soldiers

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Haha I had to look up kid chameleon! Look at that fuckin cool guy!

FancyShark

It amazes me we never got a Kid Chameleon movie. It was everything a childrens movie in the 90s demanded

gellaho

Coming up on the next hour, it's The Eyes of Kid Midas. Here is your preview, hopefully

gellaho

Just had to completely delete cash, data, reinstall the app, and log back in. You know, simple

Velo Martingale

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

you're gonna be screwed if kevin turns out to be a likeable protagonist

seems improbable, but still

Velo Martingale

I've never felt safer in my entire life

Podcast Reference Thrillho

You deleted your money?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Theres never been a likeable protagonist named Kevin.

Brendan!™

What about Kevin from We Need to Talk About Kevin?

BELAY THAT THOUGHT NERDS IT'S BOOKBRAINFUCKING TIME

gellaho

Let us begin the process

FancyShark

He killed John C Reilly without it being ironic!

The Eyes of Kid Midas Shusterman

gellaho

Velo Martingale

I prefer the Cherie Currie Story without Cherie Currie

gellaho

Fuckin' what?

FancyShark

Also, hi, @Velo Martingale ! Hi, @gellaho ! Hi, @Tom Owns Diebel's Grave ! Hi, @Podcast Reference Thrillho ! Hi, @Brendan!™ !

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

hi shark

and everyone

Velo Martingale

It's early to achieve this level of madness

Hi Shark!

gellaho

Special thanks to all the kids I ripped off

FancyShark

"Thank you for your patience as I storyboarded this with each of you separately"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

not even friends like these

people like these

with people like these who needs anemones?

wait let me back up

Velo Martingale

So we're just starting at an 8 on the Crazy Scale this time, huh?

FancyShark

I hope it's not too out of line to say I consider each of you a person

gellaho

Perfectly normal chapter title

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

and I consider you a barely-functioning animatronic

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

So this kid is going to turn his dick into gold or what?

FancyShark

Hi, @Flippant Sausage, rebunned !

Also, yes

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Rad.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oooo foreshadowing

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Also lil bro has some sick Oakleys on the cover, hes ready for the Trump rally.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

now we know his glasses will get broken

Velo Martingale

oooooo scooped

gellaho

As opposed to all those moving mountains

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"The same pines..." like........theyd be different ones? Do you really need to be clear that the trees on the mountain are the same kind as on the foothills?

gellaho

I think "my most consistent friend" might be the saddest phrase I've ever read

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Josh is me.

Velo Martingale

Same

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Because mountains are rad but Gargoyles Quest is more rad.

GDC's Quivering Thews

Josh has a backpack full of Tiger LCD games

FancyShark

Josh knew he could always count on Kevin to give the same replies and laugh at the same jokes. And he knew Kevin would always drink the same number of beers and cry about the same girl who left him at the alter.

Hi, @GDC's Quivering Thews !

gellaho

"I treasure your consistency, friend" said the human child

GDC's Quivering Thews

No human kid is that good at pine tree identification

FancyShark

"I likewise enjoy your unwavering mannerisms, person" responded the mass of cells called companion.

gellaho

That point is going to be very interesting later

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

The Divine Watch is the name of a very problematic Christian comic book.

Velo Martingale

Oh i bet zeus is up there

do you get it? Because it's Olympus

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

With tie in porn monitoring software.

gellaho

Bertram, with the unlikely name and dimpled eyeballs

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

with porn monitoring software like this, who needs magic glasses?

Velo Martingale

18 of those kids are dead

FancyShark

His eyes are golfballs, because glass eyes are expensive

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I smell a villain

gellaho

This bodes well

GDC's Quivering Thews

Bertram sounds like he deserves to have that name

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

His eyes are dimpled for stability in flight?

gellaho

I also love the idea of a "Kevin" getting bullied by a "Bertram"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Bertram can knock a man down at twenty paces with his vile bubblegum stench attack

FancyShark

Bertram is a constant reminder of Kevin's parents' divorce

Velo Martingale

Feeling real confident about my bingo card right now

Brendan!™

Neal Shusterman is the pen name of Joe Super.

gellaho

Think Neal might've got those names backwards

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Being bullied by a kid named Bertram is the lowest ebb you can possibly have.

Ferroday is a woman, too!

he's also a rarity for book cage in that we both know his name and he's still alive

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Its like being afraid of Melvin Spudmeyer.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

only to land safely in a huge pile of bubblegum because Bertram has not given him permission to die

FancyShark

Hi, @Ferroday is a woman, too! !

gellaho

What took him so long? Did he have three weeks of meetings?

Velo Martingale

Getting real incel energy from Kevin

FancyShark

Bertram lives next door

GDC's Quivering Thews

He took three weeks to sharpen his beak

gellaho

Braces: classic bully accessory

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"alas, control over my oen destiny is as far from me as a slam dunk on a basketball court...is... from me," Kevin thought eloquently.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Kevin, you should do what I did. Work out until you can wrench the legs off a chair, then beat his ass whith whatever you can pull off a piece of furniture.

Velo Martingale

Kevin's getting bullied by a nerd

gellaho

By multiple nerds

Velo Martingale

Oh no

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Now Hal Hornbeck is a solid bully name.

Velo Martingale

Hal is worse than Bertram

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

ew, wtf hornbeck

FancyShark

The lackey is always the bigger douchebag than the main bully

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Also being able to fit a whole fist in your mouth is impressive.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

why don't you have some fucking dignity

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Bertram goes thru a lot of gum.

gellaho

This gum is very important

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Like Big League Chew isnt even a good kind of gum.

FancyShark

hahaha

Scowling lessons

Velo Martingale

HAH, Scowling- SCOOPED

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

so far I hate this

gellaho

Awaits you, dipshit. That's what that phrase means

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Reminds me of grade school.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

lot more mouth play than I was expecting and I don't love it

also why does bertram have his own van

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

It awaits the blood sacrifice.

GDC's Quivering Thews

I hate everyone in this book

FancyShark

Kevin's pedantry didn't help his social standing

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Its the Violent Kids Van.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh his actual last name is Midas. "Oooooo, foreshadowing," Tom sighed.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Kirkpatrick spends the rest of this book with that gum in his hair.

Velo Martingale

Checking off "Kevin deserves to be bullied" for that inner monologue

GDC's Quivering Thews

Bertram's van has urine-proof covers on the upholstery

gellaho

Bertram also carries an active boombox with him at all times. That the school allows? For some reason?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Also Kevin if you hate this shit and dont have any friends, why did you fucking COME on this trip?

FancyShark

Bertram, you are cycling through identities faster than a college freshman

Velo Martingale

I'm starting to think Bertram is the self insert here

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"Mr Kirkpatrick, Bertram stole my $200 glasses"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Also Kevin needs to fuckin learn the importance of decoy glasses.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

crisis averted

gellaho

Apparently multiple teachers have a hard time with twenty kids. Somehow

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

wait have they actually lost a child on the interstate

why isn't that the plot

Velo Martingale

Apparently yeah

FancyShark

Oh, Ralphy. You will blossom into an actually funny person once you kill the instinct to repeat the same joke indefinitely

Velo Martingale

Well two reasons Tom. Reason one: Fuck you, Ian

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Ralphy kind of rules.

gellaho

They also don't notice the fucking boombox leaving

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

$200?! What are they made out of? Pants?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

a trail of heavy metal.

Ferroday is a woman, too!

to understand this joke, up your Patreon subscription

Brendan!™

The mountains are calling and I must Twitch.

Velo Martingale

Reason two: There's only eight teachers to watch these 20 kids, we can't go split up and look for kids

FancyShark

Kevin knew he was doomed to play forever with the balls of others

gellaho

Evil outhouse

Brendan!™

Still time for us to kill him with this magic rite.

Velo Martingale

Uh

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

The outhouse has a goatee.

FancyShark

Ha. Ha. Get it? Because a full nelson can be measured like a glass of water.

Velo Martingale

X only more so

In the Hilarious Tradition of Douglas Adams

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

QUICK! KEVIN! SHIT YOUR PANTS! ITS THE ONLY WAY!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

(only more so).

gellaho

No, it really seems like the teachers could not care less about anything you do

gellaho

Even though there are like five teachers for twenty kids

Velo Martingale

Sausage is right, shit your pants, Evan

They bullied his name away

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Josh had a way of talking sense and logic into onions and potatoes

FancyShark

Josh's parents are lawyers, which means he can't stand in direct sunlight

Velo Martingale

"I've leapt into this clearing to make some salient points! Debate me!"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hey tho, Kevin, not to victim blame but maybe Bertram and Hal dont like you because you consistently imply they're stupid.

gellaho

Further proof that he just plays his boombox at full volume during class

FancyShark

His braces-laden, thoroughbred teeth

Velo Martingale

Bertram's asthma began acting up

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"You had best give me back that tape!" is exactly how a bully would say that, great job, NEAL.

Velo Martingale

This was two more people than Bertram was used to talking to at once. He held in the tears.

gellaho

Well, this can only end well

Velo Martingale

Checking off the 'fellow kids' box

FancyShark

"I implore you to reconsider the trajectory of your path of action."

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

this is a bold and daring move for our protagonist

oh wait our protagonist is the other kid who's doing nothing

never mind

gellaho

Well, who could have foreseen this

gellaho

Velo Martingale

This is the part that's supposed to make us feel sympathetic towards Kevin

FancyShark

They drown Josh in filth.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

And this is why you ALWAYS do the following: Negotiate for safe passage, and carry a knife.

gellaho

That's assault with a deadly weapon, Kev

Brendan!™

I hope this kid's bullies start off competing for dibs on his misery, but as the contest heats up, they realize they're in love, and it turns out this is a Hallmark christmas movie for mean Christians.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

USE YOUR DEADLY KUNG FU KEVIN!

Velo Martingale

Josh why are you freaking out?

gellaho

Wow, tough words

Velo Martingale

Bertram's mother sadly passed away the previous year

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Kevin really knows all the exact ways to antagonize Bertram.

gellaho

You suck, Kevin

Brendan!™

Kevin raised his crossbow

Velo Martingale

Checking the 'I hate Kevin and his dumb face' box

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Wha.........what? Are you fucking stupid? I was going to beat your ass but now I think it might be a hate crime."

Brendan!™

This was actually highly escalatory in this time frame.

Velo Martingale

Kevin, who had attended Bertram's mother's funeral, felt no shame

gellaho

All of the teachers are too riveted by the gum to see all the kids leave

Brendan!™

Like there would be a battle of wits, and if you played the Your mother uno reverse card you signaled that the repartee was over and you were ready to go.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Fighting"

FancyShark

And so Kevin gathered the courage to stand up to his bully and protect his friend. The End.

Brendan!™

Because insulting someone's mom was considered expansionist aggression.

gellaho

It's also 16 kids, Neal

Velo Martingale

Counting is hard

What do you expect him to do, read his own book?

That sounds like hell

Brendan!™

20 children died and the teachers were placed on paid disciplinary leave oh wait that's cops

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

You have that many kids in one place they start attracting other ones, it works like a goblin horde.

gellaho

So, Kevin's dead

FancyShark

"Fight of the century", like these kids aren't all going to die in Afghanistan

Velo Martingale

Checking the 'Oh shit Kevin's dead' box

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

This is less of an ass beating than Kevin deserves.

gellaho

Then everyone laughs at his death

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Pine cones arent even that bad, and pine nuts are great.

gellaho

Teachers still not noticing, watching each other tie their shoes

Velo Martingale

HAH high fiber. Because of the pinecone.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

buddy system

FancyShark

Bertram then proceeds to remove and reinsert the pinecone several times, just to make sure the doctors can't be accused of laziness at not sewing Kevin's neck back together

gellaho

And breaks his glasses

Velo Martingale

I think we can all agree Bertram is the real victim here

Brendan!™

Speedrunning the Christmas Story scene here

Velo Martingale

Checking the Oops box

FancyShark

This ad brought to you by Nike

gellaho

If only there were four to six authority figures to take control of this small group of seventh graders

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I mean you did kind of escalate this, Joshie.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

these are truly the most incompetent teachers in all of YA fiction

Velo Martingale

This is directly Josh's fault

And also Kevin's fault

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

the entire crowd of children ran off yelling about the fight they were going to watch

gellaho

Kevin decides being blind is the best way to climb a mountain

Brendan!™

Somewhere, he heard Nicole Patterson's laugh.

FancyShark

You weren't here for the teacher that spent the entire book in a hole they fell in

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Children are like foreign countries, as long as they only fight each other its fine.

Velo Martingale

Again, Kevin came on this trip to die

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh yeah I read that one off the archive though, that was hilarious

Velo Martingale

Very slightly up the road from his own cabin

gellaho

Teachers decide to do jack shit about this assault and destruction of a medical device

gellaho

Because I guess they want to get sued

FancyShark

They would help, but they're on strike

Velo Martingale

Listen. Do you want to save Kevin?

Really? That's what you're going to fill out paperwork for? Kevin?

FancyShark

"He died as he lived: Kevin."

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

You had to do a lot more than break someones glasses back then, like most teachers would ignore anything short of a minor maiming, and even then youd just get a "Don't fishhook other children, no, not even if they call your mother a cum sock."

gellaho

You know what else means Eye of God? Divine Watch

Brendan!™

Have you tried telling your bully you don't like being made to eat your own gym sock?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Native Americans who most definitely did worship a monotheistic deity.

FancyShark

It was sacred to the Native Americans, which is why we're now going to stamp all over it

Velo Martingale

You know what eyes need? Sick shades, bro.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

most mountains are even older than thousands of years

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Oh wait, they mean Mormons.

FancyShark

Some are several hundred!

Velo Martingale

It's why they built an outhouse on it; to shit allllll over it

gellaho

That's not how glasses work

Velo Martingale

Most things do get dark at night, Kevin.

FancyShark

Pretty sure that's not how any Native American mythology worked, either

gellaho

And this is "Earth Science-y," is it?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I was gonna say, I'm no expert but that sounded made up

Velo Martingale

Those Native Americans with their prophecies

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Unless this is a trip to someplace in like Mexico and this is an Aztec or Mayan holy site.

FancyShark

Yeah, I'm pretty sure Native Americans didn't do a lot of "light vs dark" imagery. I think they were more about "the coyote got so hammered, he made sure humans had five fingers and could die"

Velo Martingale

I respect that coyote

FancyShark

I don't know if that's insensitive or not, but I apologize if so

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Which would support my blood sacrifice theory, Tezcatlipoca hungers for the blood of nerds.

GDC's Quivering Thews

less insensitive than this, at least

gellaho

Both of those names are terrible

GDC's Quivering Thews

There's a place near me called the devil's punch bowl

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

remember when the shamans cut gum out of their hair

FancyShark

Punch bowls, just like the Native Americans had

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

It was a bowl, for punching

gellaho

I think he's using the English name there

FancyShark

Hi, @PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart !

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I like a classic noir gum-shorn detective

gellaho

He's doing a Devil's Tower thing

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Big fuckin deal, thats just how the rotation of the earth works?" Replied Hal, who was very into astronomy.

FancyShark

I think there was a rock formation called the Devil's Chair at one point. Some kids knocked it down because kids are assholes.

gellaho

Conveeeeeeeeeeeeeenient

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Also sure is a lot of "Devils" this and that around here.

Velo Martingale

"You expect me to be impressed by the fucking sun?" Asked Bertram, who couldn't believe this shit

FancyShark

"Shaman's smile"?