Velo Martingale
How is this still getting worse
113: The Eyes of Kid Midas Neal Shusterman
Tags:
The Year of Pain
Ultimate power has its costs
Archive
FancyShark
oh god, it's Anything
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
good thing you wrote that ten page report, kevin, so you definitely know everything about the domain you now rule
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRREEEEEEEEE WE ARE! BORN TO BE KEVIN! WE ARE THE PRINCES OF THE UUUUUUUUUNIIIIIIIVEEEEEEEEEERSE!
gellaho
Time to flood the Earth
Velo Martingale
Yeah Kevin. Good thing you wrote that report, Kevin. Good thing you didn't bully Bertram into writing it for you, Kevin.
FancyShark
Entire ecosystems are molded like clay under the whims of Kevin
PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart
He's gonna add an 11th page guys
gellaho
Time to kill everyone!
Velo Martingale
This book makes much more sense if Klevin is the bully. I think we may have accidentally fixed it
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Josh is starting to think maybe he should kill Kevin while he can.
gellaho
Wheeeeee!
FancyShark
Speaking of ten pages, how much of this book can possibly be left? He's already drunk with power. He'll fuck something up and regret his actions in another ten minutes
Velo Martingale
Checking the 'Lightning strike!' box which i put in as a joke
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Fuck this went harder on the "mad with power" angle than these usually do.
gellaho
Oh, good, he's lost control
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
oh we're straight into "I can't control it!"
this really is a speedrun
PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart
<Hemingway boner>
GDC's Quivering Thews
I just realized Kevin reminds me of that episode of the x-files with giovanni ribisi
gellaho
That is exciting
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Turns out you cant just fucking start a storm and make it go away, huh Kevin? Like maybe theres be something involved with the weather you dont understand?
FancyShark
omigodomigodomigod
did they get the gum out of the hair?
Velo Martingale
That's exactly why I put the box in. I had a whole bit ready
gellaho
About a third of the way
PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart
moooooom Kevin got god powers and ruined the trip
FancyShark
Incredible pacing!
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Rad, Kevin is going to attack and dethrone God at this rate.
FancyShark
I'm not joking. This book is not dicking around.
PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart
God puts on sunglasses- wait where did they go???
gellaho
Yes, Josh, you seem really shaken up
FancyShark
ew, Josh is playing that PS3 Godzilla game
PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart
FIGHTER JETS BOMBED GODZILLA
a better story tbh
Velo Martingale
Checking the 'Hey Josh, maybe don't be so chill' box which I also put in as a joke
Rachel E. O. Speedwagon
Which is low scoring apparently
FancyShark
Let me see that sheet
gellaho
Sure, why not
Velo Martingale
Velo Martingale
This book is defying my attempt to mock it
PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart
so close to wishmaster irony
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
that should mean the food will always be food and they can't digest it
so they're clogged with burgers and ice cream forever
FancyShark
I think you can check Revenge
gellaho
Oh, good, Kevin has control over life and death. That's good
FancyShark
At least Kevin has that in his prepared spells
Velo Martingale
Good point, checking Revenge
gellaho
Kevin probably should have fixed his eyes before that
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Kevin just made Josh immortal.
Velo Martingale
We appreciate your consistent friendship
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
yeah josh just got Bad Wolfed for sure
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
It just got so much more consistent. You could say permanent.
gellaho
It's a madhouse
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
"Oh hey Josh, guess what? You dont have free will anymore."
FancyShark
Kevin lives in Bedlam
Velo Martingale
It's so fucking zany
GDC's Quivering Thews
just another madhouse monday
FancyShark
hell yes on the new title, @Velo Martingale
gellaho
Such madness
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"better homes and headaches? More like better groans and fuck you am I right"
FancyShark
oh, I don't care for that description of wet hair
GDC's Quivering Thews
Kevin's dad leads double lives
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
hey book we know their last name
PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart
"Still, better than mom's TSwift phase"
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
we got it
Velo Martingale
No Tom wait, there's going to be a big reveal
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
God Kevin is a fuckin teen NIMBY, bitching about how much noise the garbage truck makes.
gellaho
Better have characters named Patrick and Kirkpatrick
FancyShark
"Avalanches, rainstorms and camping trips! So classic! What a day!"
Velo Martingale
And you'll be like 'oh my gosh I can't belive I, Tom Whomst Owns Diebel's Grave, didn't see this coming'
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
almost like he's written by a muich older man
gellaho
Kevin got the God hangovers
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
what fucking year is it
Velo Martingale
1992
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
mercury thermometers, mrs midas?
gellaho
FancyShark
Buy a better thermometer, woman
FancyShark
🥂
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Kevin isnt smart enough to not eat the thermometer without being told not to.
Velo Martingale
What, you think the Midas family is made of- oops almost spoiled the twist
GDC's Quivering Thews
Kevin's lucky it's an oral thermometer
FancyShark
She'd still tell him not to bite it
gellaho
Kevin's sister is a rabid goalie
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Also his mom fusses like Kevin is a sickly Victorian boy and Im starting to see why hes such a little shithead.
gellaho
Don't know how that ended up as a reply
Velo Martingale
She is, at oldest, 12
He is also 12
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Kevin, your sister would make a much more interesting protagonist for a book.
FancyShark
I hope we're not careening to another PHOTON situation
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
kevin thinks his sister's confidence is something she weaponises to make him uncomfortable? how does that work?
gellaho
Definitely not something Kevin should think about
FancyShark
Incel
gellaho
A Dog Called Muff
FancyShark
We're going to find out the glasses are just a facehugger and no one calls Kevin out on it
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Kevin if you eat while magic hungover you will fucking puke. Drink water instead.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
ok so the storm is permanent and growing
hey remember when he also created an avalanche?
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Congrats Kevin, you have destroyed your pets life and ability to communicate!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
and made gumboy jump in a lake
FancyShark
It could have gone much worse, to be fair
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
why aren't those following the same rules?
FancyShark
The dog being silenced part, I mean
gellaho
Really taking advantage of those powers
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
oh I didn't even notice that
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Kevin is going to consign his sister to the Outer Dark.
Velo Martingale
Get it? Score?
Because she's a goalie.
FancyShark
Kevin now can't shake the fever he's given himself
Velo Martingale
She only talks in goal related terms
gellaho
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
or that thermometer will always say 101 forever in larger and larger printing
FancyShark
mmmm, mouthful of donut
Velo Martingale
HAH
FancyShark
HAHA
Velo Martingale
Rectal
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
BUTTS!
PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart
"We both agreed it should look like an accident"
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Kevin's dad is giving big "Divorced soon." energy.
gellaho
He and Josh spend the day creating things from newspaper ads
PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart
"Also childless"
FancyShark
oh god, don't let them look at the personals ads
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
How long until they end up doing a Weird Science and make a sex genie?
gellaho
Uh, oh
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I think we're getting close
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
AHAHAHAHA LITERALLY ZERO MINUTES!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
oh shiiiiiii-
FancyShark
This book's pacing!
gellaho
Oh, thank Christ
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Neal really knows how teen boys think.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"maybe after I'm a little more desensitized"
Velo Martingale
Pretty sure they're in middle school
FancyShark
Yeah. If they were maybe two years older, this would be a lot filthier
gellaho
Barely in Seventh grade
Velo Martingale
Oh so they're 11
gellaho
Which is weird that there's been a rectal and playboy reference in this children's book
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
this is how grooming works. You introduce this stuff gradually
Velo Martingale
It was a different* time
*worse
gellaho
How big is Kevin's house?
FancyShark
Is this all an allegory for fame?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
if kevin was smart he would have created some sort of hideout for them to store all this stuff
gellaho
Velo Martingale
Would that comfort you? To believe this madness had a point?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
like an invisible treehouse that goes into a pocket dimension
FancyShark
If anything, it would make me angry
Velo Martingale
Dance with me in fantasyland, Shark, beneath the rich, sweet waters
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Its 1992, im surprised they went to magic fuckin and not drugs.
FancyShark
:sharkparty:
gellaho
The glasses gave Kevin diarrhea
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
yeah somehow this is grooming
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
I told you, Kevin. Drink. WAter.
FancyShark
Kevin, you idiot. You need to be more creative with your word choices.
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
You're dehydrated, magic comes from water.
This is basic shit.
FancyShark
It's not "un-make you sick". It's "make you not sick".
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"make me immune to being made sick in the future"
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Youd think hed speak a rulebook into existence.
gellaho
Prepared to die for a Lambo
FancyShark
Kevin knows the name, but he keeps picturing a Yugo
gellaho
You should kill Josh, Kev
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Italian trash, kid, this car is going to fall apart in like a half hour.
Velo Martingale
Damn it looks so lame
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Oh shit is Kevin going to make himself Italian?
gellaho
Mamma Mia
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
let's a go
gellaho
This seems like something that should be played with
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
and then what, 12 year olds?
you'd have been safer with the playboy
FancyShark
And they're both immediately inundated with calls about extended warranties
gellaho
Wish up a driver's license, baby
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
They make drivers licenses with magic.
gellaho
Jesus Christ
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
KEVIN DRINK SOME FUCKING WATER FOR FUCKS SAKE! ITS LIKE DOING E, YOU HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK!
Velo Martingale
Simon and Schuster describe this as a "dark fantasy" novel
FancyShark
This is sort of a heroin tale, but heroin usually makes you lose possessions, not gain them
GDC's Quivering Thews
the post reality-warp crash is the worst
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
what are the odds this turns into a chick tract right at the end and he has to accept jesus?
GDC's Quivering Thews
It's either a jesus thing or a war on drugs thing
gellaho
In order to keep it secret from his family, he crushes his neighbors
FancyShark
Hell yeah. Now it's a Ballard Street story.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
you're so bad at this kevin
GDC's Quivering Thews
Gods don't need to keep secrets, Kevin
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
"OH GOD KEVIN! KEVIN WHAT DID YOU DO! KEVIN I MEANT LIKE MAKE US A WAREHOUSE KEVIN! KEVIN OH FUCK KEVIN THEYRE DEAD!"
Velo Martingale
Into Bertram's house?
gellaho
Jesus, Kevin
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
ew they wished for a frozen yoghurt machine
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Rad, way to just fuckin DESTROY the elderly.
FancyShark
"Myrtle! Damn poltergeist is back!"
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
these kids are the actual worst
gellaho
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
why a piano
why would they have wanted a piano
FancyShark
I'm assuming the piano was the old couple's
gellaho
Reminder, this was supposed to be a movie
FancyShark
And somehow never finished production
Velo Martingale
So does this level of propert damage feel like an actual crime?
FancyShark
Stop trying to cheat the bingo card
gellaho
Well, at least she's insane
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Yeah kids love long detailed shots of the nightmarish void of space behind your friends eyes as he creates matter.
GDC's Quivering Thews
Insurance doesn't cover stupid kids with power over the nature of reality
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
a normal one might have been, but grand pianos cost like 10 grand minimum I think
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
The cops are going to think these old people stole all this shit.
FancyShark
It could be a family heirloom!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
haha ok maybe
gellaho
Every neighborhood had one
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
"Old man Kimball was the Silver Angel all along! GET HIS ASS!"
FancyShark
Dental hygienist video crew?
gellaho
Yeah, that's how things work
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Versatile! Can clean your teeth AND shoot your porn........oh fuck, too dark.
GDC's Quivering Thews
Frankie Philpot: Dentist/Paranormal Investigator
gellaho
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
imagine finding out your dentist runs a crackpot psychic investigation public access tv show
GDC's Quivering Thews
These days he could get on the history channel, easily
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Becoming what? What is Kevin becoming? A god? A devil? He was already a monster.
FancyShark
Seven Chapters to Kevin Becoming
GDC's Quivering Thews
We Are All Kevin
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
I am become Kevin, Destroyer of Olds.
gellaho
Bankrupted by the electric bill
FancyShark
They devour any energy source. Electricity, sunlight, wind, glucose
Velo Martingale
This better end with those glasses burrowing backwards into Kevin's skull, or Simon and Schuster lied to me
gellaho
Addicted to Sunglasses: The Kevin Midas Story
Velo Martingale
Checking the box for 'this is a metaphor, isn't it'
GDC's Quivering Thews
You gotta let your magic sunglasses charge all the way up or you'll reduce the battery life
PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart
That's only true for older Native American tech
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"ah, my magic glasses. The cause of, and solution to, all my problems"
gellaho
When you said Teri was 14, did you mean 41, Neal?
Velo Martingale
I can't believe it
GDC's Quivering Thews
Teri's a 2 pack a day 14 year old
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
what 12 year old boy wishes for a "designer outfit"
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Gargling with rocks and cigarette butts to get that Tom Waites voice teen girls crave.
Velo Martingale
11
GDC's Quivering Thews
When I was eleven I would have wished for a Batman costume
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
oh in that case question withdrawn
GDC's Quivering Thews
This is also true at 39.
gellaho
Yes, they'll let you wear your sunglasses to class. Sure
FancyShark
Or maybe their minds were not their own
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
especially if they need something for a headache. He has lots of stuff for that
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Kevin, your head is still the wrong size for these glasses.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"wish for bigger head"
done
next question
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Kevin is dealing drugs now.
gellaho
But what are they're real names? And what's with all the hockey? Is this in Canada?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"make Dash's lips perfectly kissable again"
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Could be Michigan.
The Canada of the US.
gellaho
The mountains of Michigan
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
ok I take it back, Kevin is great at wishes
gellaho
Better been becoming been was changing is
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
I dont live in Michigan, I dont know what they have. Maybe they have a mountain, who knows.
gellaho
But just Kevin. No hurricane
FancyShark
Having lost the drug addiction thread, the author wonders if maybe puberty?
Velo Martingale
No no, this is the cool part of drugs
gellaho
You know, baseball field candy wrapper tornadoes
Velo Martingale
Makes you a hurricane, baby
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
The last paragraph is Josh shooting Kevin with a rifle by surprise.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
the kinds of winds that stirred kids up
the winds of change
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Hey Kevin, maybe you should try harder to fix that whole hurricane thing you did.
GDC's Quivering Thews
one of those child-stirring breezes
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
one of those bob dylan type things
FancyShark
The kind of winds that weren't allowed near schools
gellaho
Time to get the ladies
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
the kinds of winds that are mostly a metaphor
wow Josh is smart