113: The Eyes of Kid Midas Neal Shusterman

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Mr Kirkpatric is high af on ayahuasca.

Brendan!™

Kevin, in the manner of his people, hears the Native Americans have something cool and resolves to travel there and take it.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

He thinks Bertram is a talking antelope right now.

gellaho

Couldn't have been that comprehensive

GDC's Quivering Thews

a whole ten pages for all of space and time

FancyShark

Eat shit, Hawking

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

I need to get his notes

Wait, what year did this book come out?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

NERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD! I bet your paper was cited as indicated by the AP style guide as well, KEVIN!

FancyShark

1992

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Pre-voyager you could have fit it all on ten pages

oh yeah we were up to like 20 pages by then

gellaho

Later, Josh reads about the Steroid Avenger and his adventures in incest

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Kevin, I asked you for a two page report on the rings of Saturn." - Kevins teacher.

FancyShark

Ah, so it's hentai

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

"After I rejected your Uranus report"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Josh wrote a ten page report on the steroid avenger fucking his own mother. Much tighter focus than kevin's

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Josh reads fuckin Spawn, I can feel it.

Brendan!™

No, this is a Bible school, he actually had to double space it.

Velo Martingale

So we're just thinly covering all these myths at once, huh? Just going to do full ancient greece but now it's middleschool?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"ITS GOT OEDIPAL THEMES! THE SYMBOLISM IS VERY DEEP! I DONT DESERVE AN F!"

gellaho

Time for a blind midnight climb

Brendan!™

Classic Legion.

FancyShark

Kevin would chase that high for the rest of his short life

gellaho

Any other insights, dipshit?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Scared of what? Vultures only eat dead things, and you arent that likely to see a bear. You should worry that your teachers are going to slit your throat and drain your blood into an obsidian challice as an offering to the Jaguar God.

GDC's Quivering Thews

Also, you could fall

Velo Martingale

Because they should

FancyShark

Wait, according to fact two, that means if you think granite is soft, it's soft

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

FUUUUCKKKKKK hindsight is a bitch

gellaho

Five hours later, still blindly climbing

FancyShark

Now I miss grade school

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

"Bears aren't dumb enough to climb up here in dark"

Completely safe

Brendan!™

Long walk to they died.

Velo Martingale

Checking the 'nothing continues to happen' box

gellaho

Coincidentally, Bertram and Hal decided to climb for six hours as well

gellaho

Couldn't beat the kid who can't see

Velo Martingale

GOD DAMN IT BERTRAM

Brendan!™

Bertram, in turn, smelled their fear.

GDC's Quivering Thews

being in the same car as bertram must be eye-watering

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

"I heard there were idiots up here, had to see"

FancyShark

The yeti in the nearby cave can't believe its luck

gellaho

They race to the pointy, no wait, flat top

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

The yeti isn't even going to have to work for a corpse

gellaho

My parents, caring about my well-being? What fools!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Muhmuhmuhmountain murderrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Velo Martingale

Checking off 'You're not the boss of me, mom and dad'

Ferroday is a woman, too!

to be fair, standards in this era for kids named Kevin were low

FancyShark

Time to Into Thin Air some Bertram

Velo Martingale

Getting dangerously close to Bingo

gellaho

Kevin makes it to the top. He can't see anything, but he imagines it's glorious

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

"Where the hell is our son?" his mother asked "God damn it" his father replied, recalling that he had a son

Velo Martingale

Kevin stares directly into the sun

FancyShark

You have to climb the watchtower to get the fog to dissipate, Kevin

gellaho

Kevin blurrily spots something

FancyShark

It was his retinas, turning to ash

gellaho

It's some rad sunglasses

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Native American sunglasses

FancyShark

Put them on! I'm sure countless animals haven't pissed on them.

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Wearing those glasses gives Kevin all the power of Kanye West

gellaho

I trust Kevin's style opinions

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Kevin..........you are such a stupid dick. Who leaves things like that to stake their claim? Someone dropped them, you stupid asshole.

FancyShark

Hi, @Rachel E. O. Speedwagon !

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Hello darling

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Shit, a lot of confidence and money?

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

No one man should have all that power.

gellaho

And they magically adjust to his prescription. That's not worrying

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Must be Qechua ray-bans

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

^o^/ Hi Rachel! Gonna make fun of this dork with us?

The fact that these magic sunglasses are also prescription is the part that really defies belief for me.

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

I'll join for as long as I can while the gf is tidying up her apartment

gellaho

This gives Kevin the confidence to climb higher, causing him to slip into everyone, falling, and dying

Velo Martingale

Checking the 'Fuck you Kevin' box

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

THE END

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh shit

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hell yeah, it killed some kids quicker than I thought it would.

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

"I hope the fattest one was on the botttoooooommmm"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Jagged rocks no less.

FancyShark

I like it when the book's on our side

Velo Martingale

In hindsight, making so many of these about how much Kevin sucks was probably too easy

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

they definitely experienced death just then, even if the glasses save them

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Maybe this mountain was a bad place to take children.

gellaho

Excuse me, the fifty foot plunge onto rock is eminently survivable

FancyShark

Minor aches and bruises

GDC's Quivering Thews

Those chaperones are so fired

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Nah nah nah, they all have internal bleeding, they're crowbait for sure.

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Editor: "No, you're not done, the kids live and you have to finish the book. Stop crying"

GDC's Quivering Thews

They let a lawyer's kid fall off a cliff, they're fucked

Velo Martingale

They were dealing with gum!

gellaho

Nobody noticed they were gone for twelve hours, eh?

Velo Martingale

To be fair would you miss any of them?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I mean..........yeah kind of realistic considering they lost a kid on the trip over.

And children all look the same.

Ever see Lord of the Flies? Perfect example.

FancyShark

Maybe this is a Jacob's Ladder situation

gellaho

Kevin Finds Rocks in His Head

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

But how can Kevin look inside his own ear?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Nobody is asking that question, Kevin. Nobody gives a fuck, people do it all the time.

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

These glasses are imcredible

Velo Martingale

Kids are very impressed by Climb the Highest Firstest titles

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

The implication is that his head is not intact

gellaho

They quickly decide on "no, it wasn't"

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

nicole. What a bitch.

Velo Martingale

"My conclusion is you suck, Kevin."

GDC's Quivering Thews

He just picked them off a sunglasses bush

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Good thing they have a friend with a know-it-all complex

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

You LIKE this girl too Kevin.

gellaho

"At three, Bertram did some diving."

gellaho

Why is that there? Who knows

Velo Martingale

He found them in a [dramatically removes glasses] Sunglass Hut

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

ooooo... foreshadowing...

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

It's foreshadowing the reveal that bertram is a wereshark

FancyShark

Diving...into an open grave

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Oh god this is one of those lame ass "educational" trips.

FancyShark

Technically, every trip is educational. The lesson on most is just "you should have stayed home"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

One of the kids is going to be shot by the US cavalry and another is going to get smallpox and die, and they deserve As.

gellaho

The teachers might have tipped that off

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Certainly, they will respect native culture more if they don't learn about it

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Do something that native americans might have done thousands of years ago? I'd probably just take a piss.

gellaho

My most consistent friend

Velo Martingale

Those teachers haven't done shit, they may as well be cops

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

To be fair, one of my high school teachers took some guys who were legally of age to a titty bar on their senior trip so you can see how that might skew how I view school trips.

FancyShark

Kevin's resentment IS pretty consistent

gellaho

Kevin awakens his godlike powers with some watersports

gellaho

Velo Martingale

Kevin continues to bully Bertram

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Hahahahah watch me torment this kid with my new magic powers." is such a weirdly consistent thing in fiction.

gellaho

Fishphobia

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Not saying I wouldnt have done the same thing as a child but I was a terrible little shit.

FancyShark

The adult version is "watch me beat up these conveniently present muggers"

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

As a child yes, certainly not today

Velo Martingale

Explicitly taking advantage of Bertram's trauma is a fun new twist

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Jesus fucking christ, Kevin. Is there ANY of Bertrams vulnerabilities you dont know about?!

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Guess where the pinecone is going next

Velo Martingale

Kevin has been stalking Bertram for years

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Kevin, knowing all someones psychological weak points doesnt present you in a good light if they arent your friend.

FancyShark

Bertram had some dry Cheddar Bay Biscuits once and never recovered

gellaho

So, Bertram is about to punch Josh in the face, how does Kevin respond?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

some early-childhood trauma about fish?

and everyone knew?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

TOTAL BODY DISRUPTION!

FancyShark

Volcano

Velo Martingale

Lightning

gellaho

Avalanche

Velo Martingale

Shark was closest without going over

FancyShark

We were in the ballpark

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

brain drizzle

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

lol Kevin is a cruel and merciless god.

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

guys this kid needs medical attention

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Kevin has godlike powers.

That sentence is never good.

Velo Martingale

Is it an avalanche without snow?

FancyShark

You can have rock avalanches

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

They all start that way

FancyShark

They're not as sexy

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

does kevin know at this point that he speaks with the tongue of Creation itself?

Velo Martingale

That sounds like a rockslide

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

or is he just saying dumb shit for no reason?

gellaho

As his own avalanche approaches, Kevin stares and cuts a boulder in half

Velo Martingale

Kevin has always aid dumb shit for no reason, Tom, I don't see why he would stop now

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

In the child with the powers of a god industry they call this "pulling a beezbo"

Velo Martingale

Oh that's a deep cut

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"JUMP IN A LAKE?! LIKE THIS???"

FancyShark

A group of hikers have been reduced to paste

gellaho

This causes Kevin to deny reality

Velo Martingale

Those teachers are gone

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

The sleepy hamlet of East Mountainshireston destroyed, the elders weep as they bury the dead.

FancyShark

Kevin feels so bad, he feels so numb.

gellaho

What?

Velo Martingale

what

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

what

FancyShark

I have that DVD

Velo Martingale

I'm not checking the box yet, but my pen is poised over 'This is an actual crime'

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Cool name for a funk album.

GDC's Quivering Thews

This is a video of a lady sitting on a cake

gellaho

Kevin broods like a supervillain

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Yeah I heard Unmerciful Chocolate Destruction live at the Apollo, it was rad."

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

"I am your Maker now"

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

The teachers were made by Disney Animatronics so that's who they're thanking

FancyShark

Kevin, you need more than one instance of power display before you can conclude you are a god

gellaho

gellaho

FancyShark

Dammit, Kevin!

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Disagree

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Its usually considered more sane to like test it so you know for sure before you tell your most consistent friend.

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

"Like Native American magic, or Satanic magic?"

FancyShark

Your disregard for scientific process is your most offensive trait!

Velo Martingale

I think we can upgrade Josh to Best Consistent Friend at this point

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Kevin youre a nerd, you should know better!

gellaho

Hmmmm, don't like this

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Tingling=magic

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"FUCK YOU NO YOU CANT TAKE MY MAGIC GLASSES!"

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Tingo=Spellhands

Velo Martingale

No it's not and you know it.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"NO ITS NOT LIKE LORD OF THE RINGS!"

GDC's Quivering Thews

"It feels good when I hurt people"

FancyShark

Kevin hitting full Gollum in record time

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Instead of a dark lord you would have a QUEEEEN

gellaho

That's a lot lamer than I imagined

FancyShark

wtf

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

HELL NO DON'T WISH FOR THAT

Velo Martingale

JOSH BE MORE SPECIFIC GOD DAMN IT

FancyShark

What the hell is a cake cone?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Gonna be real with you, I am pro-beautiful and terrible as the dawn.

Velo Martingale

Wait really?

GDC's Quivering Thews

how can that wish not result in some monkey's paw shit

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh I guess that's like when they did avengers ice creams? Like Hulk a burning fudge or whatever it was

gellaho

Seems like it takes lot more effort for Kevin to create ice cream than a rock slide

Velo Martingale

Cake cones have a mild flavor intended to remain neutral when paired with ice cream. They also have a unique shape, utilizing a flat bottom rather than the usually pointed bottom of other cones.

FancyShark

Josh's blood vessels turn to ice cream

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Oh I was kind of expecting like a chocolate disaster so this is fine.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

you know, like "I'll have one destruction of Earth choc mint please"

Velo Martingale

They're these things

FancyShark

OHHHHH

I didn't know that's what they were called

Velo Martingale

Yeah it's a weird name, right?

GDC's Quivering Thews

i thought those were sugar cones

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Or as I call it, "transition goals"

gellaho

They're also a lot more afraid of the ice cream than the rock slide

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Ice cream usually doesn't last long enough for me to ask it questions

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Getting there, tbh, if you dont mind me saying so.

Velo Martingale

Sugar cones are skinnier and pointier

FancyShark

I thought those were waffle cones

Velo Martingale

Waffle cones are wider

And made of waffle

FancyShark

huh

TIL

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

🤓 s

gellaho

Excuse me, what?

gellaho

Velo Martingale

Is there still a plot going on? I got distracted by the much more interesting icecream cone trivia

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Sausage you really know how to sweet talk a girl

His father was a drunk werewolf

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

they're just doing the "no way NO WAY this CAN'T be real" bit

FancyShark

Wait, can we have that story instead?

Velo Martingale

Still?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hahahahaha alcoholism!

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Guys Ralph's dad is into weird shit

gellaho

Well, time to create all the food

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

they're luxuriating in the space

Sumerian Dick Curse Javo

hey guys I just got here for unmerciful chocolate destruction

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

If a grown man is into petplay its none of my business.

Velo Martingale

Good thing I ahve this box

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

'Murica!!

Velo Martingale

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

But hopefully it is mine

FancyShark

Hi, @Sumerian Dick Curse Javo !

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

you missed the fake native american mythology

Velo Martingale

I am one box away from Bingo

gellaho

Hmm, gross

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

'MURICA!!!!!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I hope they just sold their souls or something, its bad to waste food.

FancyShark

Meanwhile, all over the world, food shortages suddenly take hold

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

At least the local crows are having a good time.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

so they're doing the Kazaam junk food wish

did you guys see kazaam? I saw kazaam

Velo Martingale

So the moral of this story is; maybe push your friend Kevin off a mountain before he has the chance to squirt food out the side of his mouth

gellaho

Kevin speed running the power addiction

FancyShark

Eating a gallon of ice cream is the perfect way to vomit a gallon of ice cream an hour later

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

all shall love Kevin and despair

gellaho

Fucking weird, Neal

FancyShark

The cornfield kid from the Twilight Zone wielded his power more responsibly than Kevin