113: The Eyes of Kid Midas Neal Shusterman

Velo Martingale

Thank you Josh for being less chill

FancyShark

oh good, the mask is falling off

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Aaaawwwww yeah its time to abrogate the free will of human beings!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

he figured out kevin is gonna use the glasses just by seeing him put on the glasses

GDC's Quivering Thews

That's a bingo, right?

gellaho

Kevin uses the world's worst pick up line

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Remove! That! Girls! Agency! Kevin!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

bad!

gellaho

Luckily, they can't be real people because nobody would be named like that

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

bad start kevin

FancyShark

Of not, it's about to be

Velo Martingale

I think it's going to be one of these two

GDC's Quivering Thews

possibly both

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

certainly one, probably both

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

It wouldnt be sporting to claim both.

FancyShark

It's already a "You Suck, Kevin" because of his intent

gellaho

Diamonds!

Velo Martingale

If we were going by intent I would have checked every box after Gellaho posted the first page

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Well that was less bad than it could have been.

gellaho

Iris chokes to death

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"shut up," kevin said seductively

Velo Martingale

Midas-direction

FancyShark

Kevin then gets tackled by a Dubeers employee

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Tackled, strip searched, and probed six ways from sunday.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"scarcity is essential for a functioning market," chant 50 businessmen as they ritualistically beat kevin to death

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

And Nicole is still not impressed, because ew. Close up magic.

gellaho

They are not enticed by his mastery over the elements

Velo Martingale

They watch as Iris slowly chokes to death on a diamond

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

hey kevin maybe nicole's just not into you

maybe just walk away from this one kevin

Velo Martingale

Maybe it's because you suck, Kevin

gellaho

They seem fun

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

I didn't see where he came

FancyShark

Iris bursts into flames

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

And you like Nicole why again Kevin?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Kevin? Kevin, so far nothing has been done that can't be undone

Velo Martingale

I'm no longer against killing Iris

Fuck that, she called you short Kevin.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Kevin you just fuckin made a little bit of a dork of yourself, its still cool.

Velo Martingale

It's time for Moonfall

Moonfall on Iris

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

let's go have some frozen yogurt Kevin

you like frozen yogurt right?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Just shrug your shoulders and walk away, Kevin.

Velo Martingale

Strike her down, Kevin!

FancyShark

Unleash Armageddon, you fragile little coward

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Give into your hate!!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I'm worried that kevin can't hear me and is about to do something

GDC's Quivering Thews

Make her suffer, Kevin. Send her to the cornfield

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Fuck it, turn them into pigs.

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Wait she has the high =ground (bc he is short)

gellaho

It's going great

Velo Martingale

You're a short motherfucker and nobody likes you!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Kevin let go of her hair very very quickly

Kevin please

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Settle for "I dont hate you." you're halfway to a handjob.

FancyShark

Dammit, Kevin. That's assault

GDC's Quivering Thews

Kevin's muscles tear themselves apart as he says he's seven foot 3

Velo Martingale

No Kevin, I need this win!

FancyShark

Unless it's gum in her hair, in which case, make that clear. Now.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Blast her fucking whole family into ash on the spot Kevin.

GDC's Quivering Thews

why is your hand so sticky, kevin?

Velo Martingale

gum

gellaho

Oopsie

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

THERE WE GOOOOOOOO! Thats what we came here for!

Velo Martingale

BINGO

GDC's Quivering Thews

He really doubles down, too

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

and we have Kilgrave

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

You cant hear her screaming inside her own head.

gellaho

Smooch

Velo Martingale

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

"She failed her will save!"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh it's ok because he really wanted it

Velo Martingale

Double Bingo

gellaho

Salami? Salami.

Velo Martingale

I knew it!

It control physical things not people

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Worse than jail

Velo Martingale

Except for when it did that earlier

FancyShark

Hell yes. Instant reprisal

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I guess it doesn't last for long on people?

who knows

GDC's Quivering Thews

If this movie was going to be made in 1992, who would play Kevin?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"YOUR DESTINY BELONGS TO ME! NICOOOOOOOOLE!"

gellaho

Neal really thinks kids be saying shrimpoid

FancyShark

That kid from Wonder Years

GDC's Quivering Thews

Oh, Fred Savage from The Wizard

gellaho

And then Kevin explodes

FancyShark

uh oh

GDC's Quivering Thews

He went full savage

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

uh oh indeed

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"I AM INCANDESCENT NICOLE! I AM YOUR DESTROYER!"

Velo Martingale

There's a reason I don't have a box that says 'internal consistency'

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

just "pain"

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

creamed his pants

gellaho

That's for Josh

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Also "salami kisses" is just a terrible burn.

Like he needs to wish for ointment for that burn.

Velo Martingale

Old 'eerily unchanged by the march of time' Josh

gellaho

Where could she be

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

And maybe some flavored lip balm.

GDC's Quivering Thews

The Cornfield.

Velo Martingale

Checking the 'To the cornfield with you box' which I specifically made to make getting bingo harder

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"I kind of sent her to Hell. Like literal real Hell. Josh, I think I had to create Hell."

gellaho

The teachers continue to be worthless

Velo Martingale

not a joke

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Josh, I think Hell wasnt real until today."

gellaho

Better uncheck it

Velo Martingale

Triple bingo

GDC's Quivering Thews

Nicole suffers severe spinal trauma while in Kevin's backpack

gellaho

That's the ticket

GDC's Quivering Thews

This is a mercy compared to what Kevin had planned for her

Velo Martingale

OH NO

gellaho

Gum juice

Velo Martingale

Well Nicole's dead

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Bertram has a salivary gland issue.

Velo Martingale

I guess Simon and Schuster weren't lying

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

hey kevin, I wouldn't mind quite so much if you did something to bertram

maybe some minor dental torture?

gellaho

A school for the insane

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

KISS BERTRAM

Velo Martingale

IT'S THE ONLY WAY

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

ah, the old western "now everyone's fighting everyone for no reason" bit

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

KISS HIM WITH YOUR SALAMI FLAVORED MOUTH!

gellaho

Pleasant

Velo Martingale

KISS HIM SHRIMPOID

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

ok but Kevin all you had to do was say "give it back"

and he would have

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Oh fuck Kevin did you just call your backpack "her"? Are you..........fucking your backpack."

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

because of the whole thing with the glasses

GDC's Quivering Thews

"The bag is in my hands"

gellaho

Alright

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

What?

Velo Martingale

What

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Neal that is not how human bodies work!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

kevin works on kung fu panda physics now

FancyShark

Sure. Bobo dolls. Those will never leave the public lexicon

Velo Martingale

Kevin has rubber ankles, Neal forgot to mention that

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

we are criticizing the physics now?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

YEs.

gellaho

If only I had godlike powers!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

And the anatomy.

GDC's Quivering Thews

We were then, too

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Kevin.........just turn Bertram into a fucking bat.

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

"Hurt me more, Bertram!"

gellaho

Wow

GDC's Quivering Thews

Gotta give Bertram credit for a sweet leg sweep though

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

You turned the girl who rejected you into a fuckin hentai figurine.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

HAHAHAHAHAHA

who called Hell earlier?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH FUCK YOU NEAL I WAS FUCKING JOKING!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

you win

GDC's Quivering Thews

Okay, recheck the cornfield box

FancyShark

holy shit

HOLY SHIT

GDC's Quivering Thews

did Kevin just make hell real?

FancyShark

Neal just scooped Garth Ennis

gellaho

Well then

FancyShark

hahahahahahaha

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Now whos the class nerd? Still Kevin but now he can send you to the FUCKING PIT!

FancyShark

Reminder: this was for kids

gellaho

So, that was foreshadowing

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

And lo, for Bertram was cast into the lake of fire.

FancyShark

Preacher didn't even go this hard until they turned it into a TV show

Velo Martingale

OH

GDC's Quivering Thews

You know a teacher has lost control of their classroom when The Pit swallows a child

Velo Martingale

Ralphy did it

Straight to jail, Ralphy

gellaho

That is convenient

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Kevin, you might be a rapist and a murderer, but at least you are not Ralphy

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"bring back Bertram from Hell"

no?

not doing that one?

Velo Martingale

We don't talk about Ralphy's crimes

FancyShark

Didn't work for Preacher. He even tried "come back"

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

fuckin Ralphy

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Whoa whoa whoa whoa! Lets not go crazy here.

gellaho

Casting a child to eternal damnation has changed Kevin

gellaho

Velo Martingale

No, Bertram's finally reunited with his mother

gellaho

He can't unmake things

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

"Everyone saw Bertram get dragged to Hell, Ralphy, and everyone knows you are the only one with that power"

Velo Martingale

And just like with Bertram's mother, it was Ralphy's fault

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Ralphy just wants to talk about his favorite conspiracy theory and nobody wants to listen.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I feel like there are options he hasn't explored

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

They never listen, and thats why they had to BURN!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"open a portal in Hell right next to Bertram that only Bertram could pass through"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Nah, that would be an affront to God, who Kevin has also spontaneously created.

Kevin just made the Judeo-Christian cosmology real.

gellaho

Kevin puts Nicole in a hamster trail

gellaho

Velo Martingale

Kevin has accidentally made Christianity real

GDC's Quivering Thews

Of course, now Kevin has to answer to Him

gellaho

There's a snake about, I'm sure that's not a problem

Velo Martingale

Which in a roundabout way makes this a Christmas story

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

on the other hand if Hell already existed any human moral equations pale in comparison to the enormity of that crime against dignity, so in a cosmic sense who cares

Velo Martingale

Happy Holidays everyone!

Podcast Reference Thrillho

My ADD ass will never understand how you guys can read a shitty book for 3 solid hours, but I'm glad you have fun

GDC's Quivering Thews

Sedate your captive girl while you keep her in her cage, good idea Kevin

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

The pointing and laughing helps, as does the occasional child being dragged screaming into the Inferno.

FancyShark

It's more about the riffing and finding out how stupid the book gets. Or how awesome, depending on the book.

Velo Martingale

I use Bingo

gellaho

Nicole seems to not notice anything

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Just like in real life

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Oh you can never go home, my pretty."

Velo Martingale

"You short salami breath son of a bitch let me out."

GDC's Quivering Thews

Nicole seems unfazed about the shrinking thing

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"You live in the little plastic box from now on."

Velo Martingale

Nicole is the real hero of this story

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Your family wont even notice you're gone. I made Bertram go away, and nobody noticed. Nobody cared."

gellaho

They let her use the phone

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"I gave Bertram to the Devil, Nicole."

Velo Martingale

sure, that sticky stain was from soda

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Nicole is not interested in this shit

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"I think you owe me an apology now, Nicole. In light of how much WORSE your situation can get."

Velo Martingale

You think this is the first time someone with reality warping powers has abducted Nicole? Hah

gellaho

Apparently this has also affected her family

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"Hi mum I've been made a plaything for a child God. Yeah I don't know if he'll let me go. ok bye."

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

"Watch out for cats"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

ohhh I think I get it, reality has been rewritten so she was always tiny

GDC's Quivering Thews

Kevin changed the past

FancyShark

Huh. Guess that means her delivery was easy when she was born.

gellaho

Moron, PD

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

except that didn't happen with the eternal storm, everyone's weirded out about that

Velo Martingale

Fuck yes Teri

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Ah yes, from the town of Moron, Pennsylvania.

They still have an MRAP.

Velo Martingale

Again, Josh is using up all the consistency in this story

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Gotta hunt the Moronfoot of Moron

gellaho

Kids love the Hindenburg and protoplasm

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

yeah the rules change every time he uses his powers

Velo Martingale

In the Hilarious Tradition of Douglas Adams

The Hindenburg doesn't get enough credit for the amount of time it spent not crashing

Which was like 99%

gellaho

Neal seems to think going to Hell erases your existence

FancyShark

Where beer does flow and men chunder?

Velo Martingale

Where women glow and men plunder?

FancyShark

Can you hear? Can you hear the thunder?

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Oh god, I thought he just wwent to hell

but Australia??

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Depending on who you ask its the same thing.

FancyShark

Right, Tom?

gellaho

Also, the glasses are sucking on his eyes

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

rude

Velo Martingale

You better run, you better take cover

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

yeah all this affordable healthcare is just torture

haha take that americans

gellaho

Neal apparently has never used an eraser either

Velo Martingale

Oh shit this might actually end with the glasses burrowing backwards into Kevin's face

FancyShark

Six inches tall is still not small enough to have much room on an eraser

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

haha ewwww snail sucking sound

Brendan!™

I got waylaid. What happened since the peak?

Velo Martingale

We sang 'the land down under'

I got triple bingo

Brendan!™

Yeah, he doesn't strike me as a second-draft type.

gellaho

Yes, just let her walk home

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

so much

FancyShark

Kevin is a god, he caused an eternal storm, he shrank the girl he has a crush on and he sent Bertram to hell

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

he literally sent his bully to hell

gellaho

Kevin sent someone to hell

GDC's Quivering Thews

also possibly created hell

Velo Martingale

Oh and he destroyed his elderly neighbor's house with a grand piano and a frozen yogurt machine

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

and turned a girl into a Borrower

Velo Martingale

It's not going well, I guess, is what we're getting at

FancyShark

Also, Velo got bingo

gellaho

I mean, he kinda did

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

nicole laying down the real lessons here

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

CHECK

THE

BOX

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

although I didn't think his chances were great when she even had to think before saying she doesn't hate him

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

or have we already had a lesson?

FancyShark

I think there's also a box for no lesson, so it's covered either way

gellaho

I wonder if Kevin has became yet