#1 Time Riders
The Book Cage: Episode 115 - Time Riders Part 1 of ?
Welcome to the new year. You are forbidden from looking up anything about this book. Now: prepare to regret the existence of time itself. We will be engaged in this 400 page monstrosity, spaced over several months. It's an endurance test. So bring your Dr. Pepper and your Shrek DVDs, for this and many Fridays to come. 5pm Eastern.
Oh.
O-oh fuck.
Oh, it's going to be a lot of fun
Gonna really take our time and enjoy it's rich tapestry
Never been done before, time riders
Are you sure this isn't the real year of pain?
Definitely, last year I started with double Nicole Davidson
fair point
A little under an hour until Time Riders. Here is as much of a preview as you are getting
I give it a 9 out of 11
https://vm.vxtiktok.com/@airplanefactswithmax/video/7305472334612139295?_t=8imqmylkiMd&_r=1
I'll probably be late. Enjoy airplane facts
oh good, another time travel organization dedicated tirelessly to solving the problems caused by its own existence
It's time
We ride
Woot!
Hi, @Tom Owns Diebel's Grave ! Hi, @Brendan!â„¢ !
BOOKS
Hi, @Velo-ing !
yo shark
Time to begin the process
Hi, @gellaho !
TIME
RIDERS
also hi shark
how are you
Good, thank you!
TIME RIDERS!
that's my favourite gellaho catchphrase. It's so passionless and dead inside, really helps prepare me for reading the book
How are you?
I'm good, thanks!
I can't wait to Never Forget this book.
I'm excited about BOOKS
But first, a coupleof things to note. This book is 400 pages long. So it's going to take a couple of sessions that I'll space out over the coming months
Hilariously, there are 100 chapters
Oh god oh fuck
hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
oh Alex Scarrow you fuck
one for each of the Hundred Years' War?
oh wait I know that name
No looking anything up
hahaha
Hi, @FrumpyBadger !
I won't
Before we begin I'm going to need some help keeping track of some things and I'll let you know what those are
what the fuck are we reading the dead sea scrolls
The first is the human atrocity counter or Atrocimeter. This will mostly be a death count, but we'll see as we go
I'll track that
This is a book for children by the way
shark just salivating over the corpses as he takes notes
actually do sharks salivate?
I've seen too many cartoons
Science dares not answer such questions
I don't think they do
"Computer games designer" means he's sent napkin ideas through the mail to EA
but you always tie on a napkin and hold a knife and fork right?
We begin on the Titanic with Liam, our Irish stereotype
It's good manners, Tom
I'm starting to worry about where I know him from
Hi Liam
oh sorry
So, add the death toll for the Titanic
G'DAY MATE!
1,517
Added
ok so we're counting any atrocity we witness, not just ones caused by the protagonists
Should propellor guy count as only 60% of a statistic once he starts shrinking?
YA But you have to ensure Charlemagne bones down.
4 pages per chapter, off to a great start
actually I guess if time travel is happening our heroes could cause the titanic to crash later, I shouldn't assume
Fucking loved Eternal Darkness
Hi, @jakesy, aristocrat of crime !
Liam is in charge of clearing out cabins, which is something I'd entrust to a 16 year old
what a great game that was mostly created through financial crime
The ends justify the means
Yeah that checks out for ye olde maritime service
…My legal counsel has advised me to issue a retraction on that statement
It's a pleasant book for the kids
Ahhhh. Ghost Ship
Suddenly, DiCaprio and Blanchett sprint past, pursued by a gun-wielding Billy Zane
look loads of YA books are full of murder and tragedy. I read animorphs as a kid and I'm fine apart from my crippling anxiety
Winslet, sir
"Liam! It's me, Barabbas!"
Winslet. My bad. I'm bad with names.
Liam gets to contemplate his own impending death
Innocent people dying reminds our hero he should look out for himself
Quick, Liam, throw the passengers at the water, it will distract it so you can get away!
And, among Liam's anguished cries of despair, we have the second thing we need to keep track of
sweet baby jaysus
Liam's an Irish stereotype, and as such, he says "Jayzus" a lot
Jay-Zsus?
lol
We are going to count how much
1
oh I forgot this is a main character
I thought we were just gonna watch him die and then move on
See
Velo's on Jaysus counting
2
Jay-Z counting
Until I forget, absolutely
Funetik aksents can suck a fat one.
So, that was a chapter break. For some reason
It's no Ja-ay-ay-eezus Christ but he's no Layne Staley
Hi, @Pure Novelist Mordred 📚 !
"I'm not going to help you, I just want you to know that I know who you are."
Liam's torturous existence continues
Not for much longer he doesn't.
this guy's just showing off that he comes from a time with wikipedia
It's fun for the kids
"Shut up, Liam. I'm getting off on this."
Your impending doom is just great
3
I wasn't kidding about the Jayzus thing
it's not quite one a page
but it is 0.75 a page
Recruiting through terror and threats of death. Our good guys
Do we get a count of when someone st-stammers!?
37
so if you've ever been confused how consent can be forced, this is it
If you want
I do not want to do it
There might be an integer overflow if you do
However I want credit for the idea
"But yes, I'm offering you life. The kind of life normally only found playing CounterStrike all through college and working at the gas station, third shift, until you die from a heart attack in your recliner at age 49."
The fact that some people choose death is probably not a great sign
"oh shit ok 4 seconds quick quick"
What a fun start to an adventure
This is a book for the cool kids
ok so he takes people like Liam because historically the body was never discovered so people will assume he's dead
Some images speak for themselves
but what about the starfish or whatever who would have feasted on his flesh?
um
...
So...
oh never mind that question we have some other things to talk about
2996 from 9/11
Just wait on that
Subtract one for the next volunteer?
Not yet time
It's a great sleeping place
you gotta tease that one a bit
I'll delay sharing the total until you give the signal
don't forget those who died of health complications years later!
Chapter 3 is less than two pages
I'm starting to think Liam's the problem here
We now consider an airplane toilet
Wait, she escapes a plane cr-
oh, goddammit
Since we can't look anything up, when was this written?
Wait, 2010. We're good
Those pipes aren't that big. worst case scenario a little prolapsing
I'm betting 2010
Maddy is having a great day
Hi, @GDC's Quivering Thews !
You are correct
Hell yeah. We're going by Ghosts of Christmas time sections
Ew she has a Microsoft T shirt in 2010.
I'm only going to be dropping in periodically, it's trivia night.
haha christ maddy, take some time off
you need a full reboot
A g-g-g-girl!?
A NERD OF THE FEMALE SEX?!
Liam, you can die nine horrible ways at once, or walk between raindrops as a whispered myth. Make your choice.
that's not how- fuck it
BALDERDASH! HARRUMPH!
I NEVER!
but don't her boobs obscure her view of the circuit boards?
This author has seen Hackers
Hi, @FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning !
Maddy, tell me you're not 9/11ing
2010. We're safe.
It's 2010 now
Being accosted by an old man outside the toilet is every young girl's dream
Liam is 9/11ing though
...
Well.
Maybe the old man takes Maddy out of 2010 and puts her on one of the Logan flights.
Another thing to never say on a packed plane: "We're out of Fresca"
Girl its 2010, youre a nerd. Your first thought should be "ISEKAI?!"
Sounds fun
A girl on the internet in 2010???
Impossible.
another thing to never say on a plane: 'hello young woman I just put my hands on, no I don't work for the airline"
This dude really likes describing how people die
We didn't even have Reddit yet. It was the age of Digg. You can't digg with a vagina!
It's like that old saying; Two holes don't make an actually my dear.
So many crying teens
when you're facing this much human misery I guess you have to adopt a routine just to get through the day
Shit I always thought Digg was a made up thing......
No, that's the clitoris.
Yeah its not at all suspicious that the weirdo wants to hold your hand.
Now time for our third count!
Which is how many times Dr. Pepper is mentioned
Just hold his hand, hes probably not a wizard.
hahaha, did Dr. Pepper sponsor this?
It's a lot less than the other two, but more than you'd expect
Once is more than is normal.
I'm a scientifically based extradimensional entity from one of the mathematically assured alternated dimensions, but I'm not an angel.
if he does try to tell some people he's an angel that seems like a breach of time lord ethics
I can honestly say ive read hundreds of books and none of them mention ANY brand of soda.
Who's going to track Dr. Pepper?
As a former Pepper myself, no. No way
It's not college football
I'd rather not
Velo's got Jaysus and I've got atrocities
They're not interested
Dr. Pepper? She's an agnostic.
You're a nerd, there are only so many on the planet. You're special
Fine I'll make a spreadsheet
1
But my vengeance will be unexpected and swift
Time to D-scoot this nerd girl to fuckin Narnia.
Wait did they mention where this plane was going?
Hell?
Its going to hell.
Because there was a big plane tragedy in 2010
Down, in a few minutes
scooped
Maddy has joined the party
4
With the inhaler too
5
You're going to be busy
Hahahahah of course she has an inhaler.
oh christ, ok so he's taking these people from their respective disastrous deaths INTO 9/11?
My name's Foster, welcome to hell
"On' secund you was leepin right peaceful you woz, then next second you're up loike a screamin banshee, blimey"
"I do this and run a home for orphaned imaginary friends."
Thirteen. Seems like the age for time travel
oh his name is Foster, like how a foster parent abducts dead children from history and funnels them into 9/11
I knew time travellers did 9\11!
I think you can figure it out from the name, Liam
what if his plan is just to increase the death toll of 9/11 to increase support for the iraq war
Fuck you, Liam. I dont care when you are from, you know what time travel is.
The Time Machine was published in 1895. Read a fucking book, Liam
"I can't read" said the dead irish labourer
Liam you have certainly seen Time Cop.
It's not like Peter Pan ever did anything creepy
Oh so the third character doesn't get a proper introduction
RED ALERT RED ALERT
Hahahahahah dont tell them that, dude.
Liam might not understand the reference and that has a very different meaning to someone after like 2005.
The Time Riders plainly has a research dept devoted to scanning obituaries to see who would have been great.
She's goth, she's Indian, what else do you need to know?
BANGS DETECTED!
Did we confirm the plane Maddy was on? Every 2010 plane crash I've found of note didn't get anywhere near America
how do we know her skin is coffee coloured if right now it's corpse grey nd this is the first time we've seen her
you gotta think about these things Scarrow
Way to reveal you don't drink Corpse Blood Coffee, lame-o.
What kind of coffee too?
I think it was probably written in 2009
Classic 2026 India
We can ballpark it at around 90 to account for the crew
Liam stop it
this is Shadowrun India I think
Hahahahahh this guy thought India would change a LOT in a fairly short amount of time.
Liam is going to have some very racist opinions
I'm sorry, that's just MIA
He kidnapped MIA
when humanity experienced the Awakening everything changed
Took them a while to actually get around to making the machines
We haven't even fused fusion fusedly.
hmmm
That's confusing. Explain it to me with Dr. Pepper.
Arguably if we CAN do it, we were MEANT to be able to, or we wouldnt be able to do it.
The first person to invent time travel wins it all. They can get to Liam any time they want.
Assuming you think humans were MEANT to do anything.
He was a beautiful lad. John Rhys-Davies, basically. Jayzus.
No space because they're 2010 cool
...
No
Why don't they just go to 2029 and pour coffee on some physicist's laptop?
lol TimeRiders
If this shift turns out to be 9/11 I will commit a crime
stop trying to sound cool Foster
So time travel is something no one should do and to make sure it doesn't happen they have people time traveling all the time
you're a time auditor
Using amateur agents.
your job is to stop real time travelers from hving fun
Stop trying to guess the 9/11 connection, you will not get it
(Wearily retitles Time Cop porno parody script.)
Look sometimes the Time Council declares it is Time for Fun
Time Narcs