115: Time Riders Alex Scarrow

Velo-ing

Mhm

hm

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

NOOOOOOO WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO!

FancyShark

Or you could listen to your grandpa. Your grandpa who just wants to spend some time with his grandson.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Velo, that was your homework assignment last week. You didn't do it, did you?

Velo-ing

Fuck your Grandpa go back to polishing your gun

gellaho

Oh, just some body horror for the kids

gellaho

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Hell yeah they got telefragged.

Velo-ing

I did say this was the exact physics theory from Event Horizon

I'm starting to think that's on purpose

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Great time to drop in with dinner

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

Haven't quite worked the kinks out of the Time Machine yet

FancyShark

Hi, @P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs !

gellaho

What could go wrong?

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Well maybe if you hadn't thrown a grenade at the time machine while using it, it would have functioned better

FancyShark

I'm adding Tomas and Ethan to the count

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

This is the risk you take when you disassemble your atoms and hurl them thru time and space.

Velo-ing

Okay so good news I think that date is pre-holocaust

Pure Novelist Mordred 📚

"This is what happens when you don't hit the PURGE button first!"

Velo-ing

Yeah

It is

gellaho

And back to where it's safe, wait

Velo-ing

Recalibrate the atrocimeter for- oh

FancyShark

"BOB THINK RICE KRISPIES BETTER WITHOUT RAT"

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

IN THE FUTURE YEAR OF 2001

gellaho

Time to fuck up some history

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

"Hey you know that thing I said we cant do? Were going to do it."

gellaho

I wonder what this test bed is

Velo-ing

Shut up Slopdong, you yell so loud

FancyShark

"BOB SORRY, IRISH MORON FATHER"

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Pompeii!

My money is on Pompeii! You know the time

Ozzie

They pulled these teens out of time and didn't even spring for a be-marshmallowed cereal?

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

It's certainly not 2023 Pomeii

gellaho

Time to get this sixteen year old half-nude and wet

Hamb$ne

Abraham Lincolns breakfast

FancyShark

Hi, @Hamb$ne !

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

"So you see this dude? He dies in 9\11 so its completely fine to just fuck with his last day on Earth!"

Velo-ing

Hi @Hamb$ne ! Welcome to this ongoing crime!

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Oh no... more teens

Hamb$ne

No i quit that job months ago

Velo-ing

"I've slapped his lunch out of his hand 834 times."

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Ham! They have a Frankenstein with a computer brain and a massive hog!

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Your backslashes are tearing me apart!

Velo-ing

"I've fucked his wife more times than I can count."

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Ending up on 11/9 is a classic rookie mistake

gellaho

Oh, good. Nothing bad happened there

Velo-ing

"Quick, Liam, slash his tires."

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

^-^/

FrumpyBadger

hahaha fuck.

Hamb$ne

Shit i was close

FrumpyBadger

I fucking knew it would be another scar on history.

Hamb$ne

I at least got a US president

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Don't go back in time unless it's to a point everyone has heard of

gellaho

Add one JFK to the Atrocimeter

Velo-ing

The assassination of President James A. Garfield?!

FancyShark

Adding

Velo-ing

Oh

Less fun

Hamb$ne

They're actually gonna kill Bill Paxton, who was watching the parade that day

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Fuck yeah, theyre gonna help Bernard Montgomery Sanders dome Kennedy!

gellaho

You know, science

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Ok, but there are a LOT of factors in the JFK assassination that they could easily impact or changed by fucking around

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

And Independence Day won't happen

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Why not send them to a place where the entire city is about to be wiped off the map?

FrumpyBadger

Okay, Mr. Foster, that's enough. Why don't you take a seat over there and we'll bring the camera crew and the US Marshals in.

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Really they are just going to get some BBQ in Dallas.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

DO NOT bring COVID back.

FancyShark

Bonus, there was a dude who died trying to help JFK during the assassination, so that goes in the list too

gellaho

Just fucking get nearly drowned kid, stop being a baby

Hamb$ne

President McComb is gonna get so mad by this

VernoWhitney

Neither will Titanic OH NO PARADOX FOR LIAM

gellaho

It's like you almost sunk in the Titanic or something

Velo-ing

Let Slopdong dunk you underwater, I explained what breathing was two hours ago!

Hamb$ne

Can't wait for this to happen in this book

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

infants can hold their breath for like a minute on reflex? You are worse than an infant

gellaho

Future phones

FancyShark

"BOB NOT HOLD FACE THIS TIME, IRISH DADDY"

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Oh man i would buy this book if it turned out to be a Timecop prequel novel.

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

Omg so cringe

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"These NOKIAs are invincible to time travel"

gellaho

Bubble-days

Velo-ing

it's a fucking robo-call

Hamb$ne

They really are though

Pure Novelist Mordred 📚

EVERY. INCH.

She checked

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Wait, they are in their secret lair. Why are they beholden to modern day tech?

Velo-ing

She has succesfully surpressed the memory of the time she had seen his monstrously large dong, dripping with milk

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Why not bring back some Nokias from 2099

gellaho

Liam apparently learned the progression of cars through osmosis

Velo-ing

The book made me do this

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

She keeps trying to not think about the time she saw his massive cock when he was in the test tube.

Velo-ing

... Not gonna say it, Liam? too good for you catchphrase?

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

She's 13?

Velo-ing

Oh

She's the one that's 13?

gellaho

BOOK DEPOSITORY, GET IT

Velo-ing

Interesting

Hold on i'll fix that

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

I was gonna ask, how old is everyone so that inappropriate jokes will be intentional?

Hamb$ne

Why isn't this called The Milkdong Chronicles?

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

(in the book)

FancyShark

All of the heroes are underage

Velo-ing

Fixed it

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Maddy is 18 at least.

Hamb$ne

Are there redheaded lips?

gellaho

Are we having a fun time, kids?

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

I get it. When I was a 13 year old girl I also thought dicks were very funny and unsettling without really understanding much else about them

FancyShark

Fair. But she's still written as a support character.

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

They're all dragons though and it's the future so they're actually 100 years old

Velo-ing

Who the fuck is Maddy

Oh right

Second Life girl

gellaho

Shrek again

Velo-ing

The Dr. Pepper one

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

It's anime rules 13 year olds are full adults

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Theres no way this 13 year old from 2026 hasnt seen Shrek.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Yes, except no

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

My favorite part of books is when they point out culture, obnoxiously

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

In full.

Directors commentary.

4k remaster.

Hamb$ne

You'll turn into dust but the movie would be 25 that year

gellaho

It's a good thing he didn't have a, I don't know, gun

Velo-ing

Nor the classic musical Mama Mia

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Yeah hence the 25th anniversary rerelase!

Velo-ing

Kids love Mama Mia!

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

So? I saw Snow White as a kid and I was born in 1990

Hamb$ne

But the kid hadn't seen it

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Shrek is the most influential and enduring piece of media in this century.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

I also saw Naked Gun because my dad had his priorities straight

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

So far.

FancyShark

Bob's real name should have been Wet Blanket

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Malk Horsedong.

Velo-ing

Bob's real name is Slopdong and he earned that name

gellaho

Yes, that's what they call it. The grassy hill

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Kennedy lives and cuban cigars appear in everyone's hands

Velo-ing

Everything in 2001 becomes Russian and we realize this author has views

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

This is where Bernard Mongomery Sanders fires the shot from the grassy hill.

gellaho

You know how they needed Sal to memorize each and every detail of 9/11?

Well, apparently you can also just sense changes in the timeline

gellaho

So I don't know why that's necessary

FancyShark

lol

They just hate Sal

gellaho

Oh, he hates everyone

Pure Novelist Mordred 📚

Jahulla?

gellaho

All these kids are going through torture

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Well thats convienient.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

So, they do the JFK thing as a training exercise?

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

So is 13 supposed to be considered an independent, almost adult in 2026?

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

How many time rookies are in that room?

Pure Novelist Mordred 📚

Every 13 year old thinks so

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Because society has been trending towards longer and longer childhoods. As of 2024, anyone under 25 is baby

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

I cant decide if its some Indian word, one im supposed to believe is an indian word, or one im supposed to believe is 2026 Indian slang.

gellaho

Is it weird for a British guy to write a book about American, Irish, and Indian kids being forced to go through hell?

Velo-ing

Little bit

FancyShark

A little, yeah

Velo-ing

Especially with that Jay-zus bit

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

Or did they just change your perception of the future by altering history? 🤯

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Seems normal Britishness to me.

Ozzie

I googled it and the top result is someone's blog post about this book, I have learned nothing

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

They hate us for our freedoms, you know.

The British.

FrumpyBadger

I mean it's certainly weird that a publisher approved it

gellaho

It's only three of their former territories

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Does Australia get a mention?

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

He's sick of getting owned, I knew it

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Well yeah, they like to own everything

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Author: "GUYS I LEARNED NON-ENGLISH HISTORY"

Sorry, "MATES"

gellaho

I wonder what this subtle change in the timeline is

Oh

Brendan!™

What did I miss after Second Life?

FancyShark

JFK

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

oi mummy it's chewsday and oim mad about brexit

That's what this author sounds like

FancyShark

Yes, I'm serious

Brendan!™

Field office on the grassy knoll.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Ok. But how do we fix the timeline?

FancyShark

They told Oswald to go home. Then the giant frowned at them.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Does Liam get to kill JFK?

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

lol they're going to kill JFK themselves

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Really ambitious to think JFK surviving would have gotten us to Mars by the aughts.

gellaho

Maddy seems more concerned about the Spice Girls than the mission to Mars

Ozzie

Accidentally created a utopia

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

BANDS CAN'T GET BACK TOGETHER

Pure Novelist Mordred 📚

"Performing at the Lilith Fair??"

gellaho

Seems legit

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Spice World is the Barbie movie of 2001

Ozzie

A Spice World, if you will

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

My favorite unspoken part of this story is the idea that 2026 is radically more advanced than 2010

As opposed to the same with smaller phones

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

ANd the pandemic legacy

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

And better gas mileage

FancyShark

And more concentrated comedy websites

gellaho

You really should know this, Maddy

Brendan!™

This was the timeline we were promised.

Brendan!™

My palmtop predicts a 17% variantial

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"Her history isn't great, but will send her on a time mission"

FancyShark

There is a catch.

Oreos in this timeline taste like Hydrox.

Velo-ing

No, knowing he got shot is plenty

Who gives a shit

gellaho

Picture it, children!

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

So I take it the Soviet Union must have not collapsed for it to be helping with joint missions to Mars? Because in 2001 Russia was in pretty rough shape financially.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

...ok?

FancyShark

IT'S CHAOS

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

They taste the same

FancyShark

CHAOS

Velo-ing

Maybe get inspired by this and look it up! Maybe accidentally find the image that shows how his skull became a hollow U shape!

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Madness, something must be done.

Brendan!™

They've been at this job four hours and Foster has already demanded they sully the world by restoring the JFK slay that cost us Spice Mars.

gellaho

Really had to stretch her debugging skills to figure this one out

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

the spice must flow

Brendan!™

But also selling space rides to billionaires and putting pizza hut logos on its rockets so

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

I barely learned anything about the JFK assassination in my american publich high school in the early 2000s. A 13 year old Indian girl from the future would know less

Turns out, JFK, not that fucking important as time moves on

He's no Lincoln

Velo-ing

Yeah and really how much does JFK being killed in 1962 affect your day to day?

FancyShark

JFK was at least a more challenging shot

gellaho

The Indian girl only recognized the Mars mission to be fair

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

I think if you were going back in time, and not supposed to mess things up, you'd be briefed

gellaho

An American from 2010 should know that

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

Oswald put all his skill points into Reflexes while Booth went with a Cool build

Velo-ing

It's like knowing earth orbits the sun. It's cool and all, but it's not going to make my commute faster

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

The real reason everything went so well was JFK abolished the CIA.

Velo-ing

JFK fucked his way to Mars

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Propelled by a jet of his own jizz.

gellaho

Bob really wants to kill JFK

Velo-ing

"I'll show you a thruster" he said

FancyShark

JFK fucked his way to uniting the nuclear powers, too

Velo-ing

"I'll show you mutally assured destruction" he said

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Kennedy went balls deep for Chairman Mao.

FrumpyBadger

Hahaha remember when this moment of history was supposed to be safe to fool around in?

gellaho

Luckily, all the conspiracies are also true in addition to Oswald doing it

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

Hahaha JFK trips on the car door and bashes his own brain in

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

No fewer than 40 shooters

gellaho

There were apparently fifty people trying to kill JFK

Velo-ing

"I'lll show you a great leap forward"

FrumpyBadger

Falling back and to the left

FancyShark

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

Just a line out the door of the grassy knoll like some kind of gaming convention

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Wait, tho, how did that change time if he didnt survive after all?

Like seriously how does that work, book?

gellaho

Luckily, they don't have to submerge themselves in water to go back. For some reason

Velo-ing

Sausage brings up a very good point

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

I think this book might be nonsense, yall.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

It's a baby's perception of time travel: clocks tick in all time frames at the same rate

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Time changed for 30 seconds

Velo-ing

Yeah but

no

VernoWhitney

And now they're bringing back polio.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Though the ripple effect is that it changes for 30 days in the fuuuuuutuuuuuuurrrrrreeeeeee

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

even in the future

Velo-ing

Because the future timeline still would have contained the following seconds, minutes, hours

gellaho

Because fuck you, that's why

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

They should have swung by the Soviet Union and got some of their sweet ripoff Nikes.

Velo-ing

i hate his book now

FrumpyBadger

"Your Goncharovs are fake!!!"

FancyShark

Foster wasn't talking about time travel there

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

That's a sex thing, 100%

gellaho

How about some Dr Pepper?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Huh, thats kind of like being born and then dying.

come in wet, go out dry.

INCREMENT THE DOCTOR COUNT!

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"You smell like bbq, and are dry"

Velo-ing

If it means saving Dr. Pepper I'm glad Jackie Onassis got her dress wet

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

"Go out wet come back dry" is the motto for my

FancyShark

"We are geniuses. We googled history"

Velo-ing

4

Brendan!™

If JFK doesn't die, 9/11 will never happen, and then we won't get the starmaking turn in REMEMBER ME that got us The Batman.

gellaho

Jayzus, time travel makes as much sense as a blue leprechaun

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

"Hey, you fucking old baboon, you didnt change shit. Thats not how that works, what the fuck?"

FancyShark

Okay, placing JFK assassination numbers in the Time Out column

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Is this the DP count (Dr. Pepper, you freaks)

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

We read what we wanted to