115: Time Riders Alex Scarrow

gellaho

It's quite a bummer

FrumpyBadger

I'm sure the loved ones of the victims appreciate the loss of life being chalked up to inexorable destiny.

FancyShark

This time, they have to save the buildings from hijacked kites

gellaho

Wheeeeee

Velo-ing

"It's August, you see."

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Unaltered but we HAVE TO ACT FAST!

Brendan!™

Within the world trade center is Skynet, going online at 8:47 a.m.

Velo-ing

Oh I was close

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

To be fair, if I have to die, I want it to be a fixed point in history that is remembered forever

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Liam understands terrorist bombings, goddammit.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

hey Liam in the future we all talk in numbers. You'll never understand anything anyone says ever again lol

gellaho

This seems like the kind of thing a British guy should be tackling

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Hey, Author, you realize that 100 years ago isnt that long, right?

Velo-ing

It was 1912 so probably not

Brendan!™

I was down there on the 9th, where's my time-Foster

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Do Pearl Harbor next

Velo-ing

They hadn't even had the Easter Rising yet

FrumpyBadger

this was either an excellently researched bit or an insane called shot

Brendan!™

You are going to have to explain to Liam what a plane is.

FancyShark

Next, they go to Hiroshima to get paninis

gellaho

But, before we explain why we're here, let's get some weird cousin stuff in

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh christ maddy had family who died in 9/11

AND SHE WANTED TO FUCK THAT FAMILY

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Family she had a crush on

It was for the best

FrumpyBadger

"I know this is painful for you but man would the pavement your cousin's going to splatter against over there be a great place for a tiki bar.*

Velo-ing

I was checking for jesus and dr. pepepper

WHAT

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Distant banjo music

FancyShark

"Maddy, this was all to prevent you having incest children"

gellaho

That is a great question Maddy

Velo-ing

Plot twist Julian didn't die

gellaho

But first, let's note infinite 9/11s in the Atrocitometer

FancyShark

AHAHAHAHA

FrumpyBadger

oh cool, 9/11 is an open book test and you can retake it as many times as you want.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

that's a great question Maddy

Velo-ing

Ahahahahahahahahaahaha

Groundhog day 9/11

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

To be fair, it sounds like she was a kid with a crush and her cousin with an adult with a job and presumably didn't have a crush back

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Yeah good question from Maddy for once, why those two days specifically?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

why do we have to have 9 fucking 11 as our desktop background while we do our workplace orientation

FancyShark

Okay, so now the Atrocimeter is sitting at 1,520 + Infinity

wait no

1,520 + (2,996 x Infinity)

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

The time machine runs on anguish

Velo-ing

Someone had a joke movie pitch that was "Will Smith is a jewel thief, and Jackie Chan is the bounty hunter sent to catch him. Together, they're stuck in a time loop, repeating the same day over and over again. That day? September 11th, 2001."

Brendan!™

I suppose you're wondering why I brought you here to your beloved, hot cousin's office mere hours before it becomes his flaming tomb.

Velo-ing

This book is that

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

fuck it I'd watch that

FancyShark

That was in a DoggZzone episode, I think

Velo-ing

I would too

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I watched rebel moon

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

I'd watch it even if you took out the 9/11

Velo-ing

It may have been in the Brillis one that got removed

gellaho

So, the reason to put these kids through 9/11 every two days is

Velo-ing

sir

gellaho

That they won't be noticed leaving their lair, I guess

Brendan!™

Our office is 9/10

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Ok, but like, have you seen NYC

Brendan!™

You're going to run into yourself a lot.

FancyShark

ahahaha

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

you know what time no one ever remembers? most time

FancyShark

AHAHAHAHA

gellaho

Which is probably true of any two days

Velo-ing

So this guy's rural, huh?

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

No one notices anyone

Velo-ing

Cousin fuckin rural

Brendan!™

You could also give them contemporary clothes and run out of anywhere.

FancyShark

"Come with me, Children About To Die. I will let you live in an eternal 9/11 to preserve the fabric of time. Thank you for playing Twisted Metal."

Velo-ing

I do assume anyone I see leaving a building is a time raveller

Brendan!™

Sal's over here saying "Cope rizz no cap" and praying Liam understands her.

FrumpyBadger

"we protect time by using its most noteworthy and traumatic events as a smokescreen"

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

In fact, New Yorkers make a conscious effort to ignore people. It's how our monkey brains stay sane in dense urban settings

gellaho

Short answer: you're fucked kid

Velo-ing

But then, we're all time travellers. Moving forward, ever forward, together.

Brendan!™

They could also live at the end of time.

or at least the earth

gellaho

So yeah, infinite 9/11s is just a background for this story

Velo-ing

ahahahahahahaa

gellaho

It doesn't actually have anything to do with the main plot

Velo-ing

the funniest option

gellaho

This British guy took 9/11, and used it as a setting for a children's book

Not about 9/11

Velo-ing

I love him

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Very British thing to do.

Velo-ing

Give me his address, I need to send fan mail

Brendan!™

I feel like if I saw a dozen guys in stewards' uniforms, that would stay with me a lot more than one guy over a dozen years.

FancyShark

Meanwhile, three other kids are stuck in a loop around the series finale of M.A.S.H.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

It's the equivalent of us putting the "Zombie" song in our horror movie trailers and Halloween playlists

gellaho

The fourth member is fun

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

And to be fair, I set all my time travel fiction with an infinite cascade of IRA pub bombings from the 70's, 80s. and 90s so I guess they can have this.

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

lol oh my god infinite 9/11s

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Nodded soberly plus one beer

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

This is amazing

gellaho

But first, Kramer reads his diary

Velo-ing

It's a robit

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Is this book 500 chapters?

Velo-ing

It's gonna be a robit

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

I hope its a robot dog.

Or a lady robot like from Space Adventure Cobra.

Velo-ing

I hope it's an author self insert

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

Allegedly 400 pages and 100 chapters haha

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Why do mysterious notebooks have to be black? Why can't Karl have a little Lisa Frank book?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

As long as its still a dog or a hot lady robot.

gellaho

Kramer finds whatever he was looking for

gellaho

What is it?

Don't worry about it

Brendan!™

Foster is Waldstein, calling it.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Liam, crank it!

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Waldsteins collection of vintage feet pics from across time, probably.

Velo-ing

Liam still stuck doing manual labor

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

They picked the day that people arguably remember the most if they were there

Velo-ing

They saved Liam so he could be their bag boy

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

He existed before mental labor was a thing

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

There's an entire cottage industry of Never Forget!

gellaho

Seems like a fun place to spend a lifetime of 9/11s

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

That said, Sal and Maddy don't seem like intellectual powerhouses, so what are they for?

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

Not only is this plan needlessly making them relive 9/11 but they're more likely to be remembered there!

Velo-ing

Again this is just Manhattan

FancyShark

No point in cleaning the place up if it resets every 48 hours

gellaho

I don't think Alex knows what skanky means

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Right, they are more likely to bump into a reporter, a first responder, a confused person who needs help. SO MANY PEOPLE have their daily routines upended, making them more memorable

Velo-ing

god damn slut sink

Liam you get away from that sink

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Just imagine, with the ability to create a time loop in a localized field they could have put almost anything anywhere, but they chose a shitty dump and 48 hours of 9\11

Please, that sink is fuckin BEGGING for it.

gellaho

I'm so excited

FancyShark

It must be to prevent all the hero time travelers who are trying to stop 9/11

Velo-ing

This book starts soon, right?

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

In vitro?

Velo-ing

This is a very long prologue

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

They got lil fetuses in here?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Hahahahhaha

gellaho

We're growing people

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

HELL YEAH!

FancyShark

hahahaha

VOOSTER CALLED IT

Velo-ing

Nothing to say, Liam?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

TIME CLONE FORCE!

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

If they wanted to find a time that's irrelevant in England it would be any time from 1776 until today

Velo-ing

Not a word you want to exclaim?

gellaho

This isn't weird, right?

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

IT SAID IN VITRO

Babies, like snot in a toilet. Good job, book

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

Oh god dammit we're Matrixing now too

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Haha so the team are lab-grown clones of themselves

FancyShark

But the day resets every 48 hours. Why do you have anything trying to grow here?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Awesome

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

"We use the shitty ones for hand grenades. Did you know theres a surprising amount of bone shrapnel you can produce when you explode a baby?"

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Granted, fetuses aren't babies

gellaho

Genetically engineering people has never gone wrong

FrumpyBadger

Hahaha time travel is just cloning but they lie to you.

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

Real life Battery Daddies up in here

Velo-ing

God damn it Liam

FancyShark

And then the screaming started

gellaho

Swing and a miss

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Either that or this is what the team eats. "We can't go out for burgers every day, it'll arouse suspicion" Foster insisted

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

God Liam deserves to be on a sinking ship.

gellaho

Brendan!™

Why isn't their field office in the Jurassic when nobody's around?

Velo-ing

"That food you ate? In 48 hours it's going to time loop right out of you."

Velo-ing

7

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Too suspicious!

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

See this is why you don't take kids from before the internet age. Once you hit the computer era, people just sort of accept things like cloning and time travel without question

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

Ok so far were in Flight 93: Matrix Edition

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Why isnt it a massive complex of high tech gear compressed into a single infinitely looped second?

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

What are you counting

FrumpyBadger

What's the over/under on one of these kids saying "let's roll" going into the climax

FrumpyBadger

He's on Jayzuswatch

gellaho

Nothing ethically wrong about this right? Keeping young boys alive in tubes while keeping intelligence from them?

Velo-ing

This feels like an atrocity

FancyShark

Nah. That's no different from organized sports

Brendan!™

Where's Liam with a Jayzus when you need him?

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

Liam is still confused about where he is

Near, far, wherever you are

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Since when has a creator underestimated the intelligence and emotional capacity of their creation?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Its fiiiiiiiiine.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

So this is gonna be the Data to round out the crew?

Velo-ing

Ah I know what you're referencing. Terminator 2.

Judgement Day.

gellaho

Going to need to add some number of misgrown, failed human genetic experiments to the Atrocitometer meter

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

No 9/11 but what we make for ourselves

Velo-ing

Taking a break to get some delicioud Dr. Pepper, someone else keep watch

gellaho

Under your discretion, @FancyShark

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

"I sell them to cat food companies in 2001."

FancyShark

If we take how long the time loop has been going and the rate of fuckups this organization produces...

Let's ballpark it to 150

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

There's probably naked girls under there

Ozzie

They mastered time travel but not human reproduction?

gellaho

Just realized I typed "Atrocitometer meter" and I am stone cold sober

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

Do you think at the end of the book they're going to celebrate on an aircraft carrier with a Mission Accomplished banner

gellaho

What a great book for kids

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Jesus fucking Christ Sparrow can we take a break?

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

*Jayzus

FancyShark

Hi, @Ozzie !

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Why not just abduct more history orphans? Human culture has never been short on orphans

gellaho

Time for some beef

Brendan!™

It's like he's daring us to realize Foster is the villain.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Also my new phone has autocorrect on, cool

FancyShark

Total Atrocities:

-Titanic - 1517 dead

-Foster's last team - 3 dead

-9/11 - 2996 times infinity

-Accidents with tube children - ~150

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

Oh shit are we about to get lats?

Brendan!™

Foster only wants good, stout British lads of pure Anglo blood.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

It's Scarrow, phone, not Sparrow

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Talking like someone who doesnt have a buyer for their shredded fetus slurry lined up already.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Ooooooh Foster. Like a foster parent, who are sometimes bad

Not always, tho

gellaho

Come look at the large naked man, children

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

Or like a delicious brûléed banana

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Maddy checking out how built he is? Great

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

Pretty big range of heights there

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Oh fuck you, Liam, you know about Frankenstein but not genetics?!

OR HAMBURGERS?!

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

He's maybe 5'4 or possibly 6'4

Velo-ing

One predates the other

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Now we are doing a literal Frankenstein. Come on

Velo-ing

Hamburgers were a nieche food until the 20s

FancyShark

Liam is a man of many depth

gellaho

A giant, naked man with the brain of an infant and a computer in his head

Pure Novelist Mordred 📚

How many tall men tall is he?

Brendan!™

I mean, is he slinging mad dong or no, show don't tell.

FrumpyBadger

I— YES

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Oooooh because he would have drowned in the ocean otherwise. I get it

FrumpyBadger

THATS EXACTLY WHERE HE'S FROM

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Okay but he also doesnt understand the concept of terrorist bombings.

FancyShark

Hi, @Pure Novelist Mordred 📚 ! I can't remember if I said that earlier!

Brendan!™

Don't worry, the computer prevents my ubermensch from attaining independent thought.

Velo-ing

I'm back with delicious Dr. Pepper

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

Does he have a real human penis at least

Velo-ing

Again, he is from 1912. The Irish revolution didn't start for, depending on when you start counting, 2 or 8 more years

gellaho

Some human viscera for the kids

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Terrorism wasn't a thing in 1912. Not in the way it exists now. There were some anarchists bombing banks here and there, but it really wasn't the same

FancyShark

As long as no one presses the "Release Mind Shackles" button I keep next to the drink coaster

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

IT DEFINITELY WAS! Anarchists blew shit up all the time! Just tell him it was Anarchists!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Liam likes drains

Brendan!™

Foster says hold on, then steps back through the Fourth Dimension with a bleeding Pearse in tow.

gellaho

Kids love pink goo

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Anything that takes water away from him

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Also, people didn't have access to international news 24/7 in 1912, he probably didn't finish public school

Brendan!™

Behold my horrors, children.

Pure Novelist Mordred 📚

Seems like there should be a better way to drain it than onto the floor and into a drain. Like a drain built into the tank that goes straight to an effluent pipe maybe?

Brendan!™

This is getting truly amazing.

Velo-ing

The Irish had a lot more imporant things to give a shit about than the labor movement in the United States

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Cut him some slack! He's stupid in too many other ways!

Velo-ing

Really lagging on the Dr. Pepper front here, Sparrow

gellaho

Meanwhile, Kramer has found the first ever time machine in the Natural History Museum

FancyShark

I would love it if this creature just died in front of them and they never spoke of it again

Pure Novelist Mordred 📚

Oh yeah, I remember when my son was born and he just erupted pink goo.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I can't believe you guys are still arguing about Liam's historical knowledge when a giant muscle baby is vomiting pink goo and smiling at us

Brendan!™

Are you sure? Because we're like, a REALLY important country.

Ozzie

They left the time machine plugged in at the museum?

Velo-ing

Oh Kramer's back

Hi Kramer

gellaho

Let me just operate this time machine with my future PDA

Velo-ing

Kramer's my favorite character

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

It's important that this child from 1912 Ireland understand American history and culture

FancyShark

"I've got a time machine, Jerry"

gellaho

They have a portable generator, or porta-gen

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

There's only one true Kramer

Pure Novelist Mordred 📚

My family used to have a dog named Kramer, when I was a kid.

Brendan!™

I don't want people to realize I'm into it, so I'm playing it cool.

VernoWhitney

Yeah, it was settled in the movie Kramer vs. Kramer.

gellaho

Hi, clock

Velo-ing

I take it back

My new favorite character are, in order, Karl, and 🕘

gellaho

Hi again clock

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

The equipment must be covered in human skin and naked

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

ohhhhhhhh a clock cos time cos time travel, okay.

Velo-ing

Liam would recognize a clock

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Why does the time machine have a "PURGE" button?

Velo-ing

I'm just going to point out things Liam would recognize for the rest of the book

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Not like these dang gen Z kids