gellaho
Getting tired of writing this book, Alex?
115: Time Riders Alex Scarrow
#1 Time Riders
Tags:
Mess around with time, and the world you know... could become a world you don't
Archive
Brendan!™
This book breaks all its own rules.
Velo-ing
Alex it would take less effort for you to suck less
gellaho
"Do we actually get to meet Hitler!? Yippee!"
Velo-ing
Oh no, Kramer's team is also made up of spunky misfit teens
Brendan!™
So the Germans speak heavily accented English to each other?
FancyShark
If the PHOTON commandos show up right now, I will almost forgive how often the characters have had to dress as nazis
gellaho
Time to kill!
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
oh boy oh boy oh boy
Velo-ing
Liam why are you anxious
Brendan!™
"St. Bob CANCELED on Die Zocialnet after photos emerge of him wearing SS uniform to dinner party with HITLER!"
Velo-ing
You have done and will do nothing
gellaho
All aboard the murder train!
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
If I am reading this right, 2 people died while looting corpses???
FancyShark
I counted the corpse robbing as atrocities. I should probably remove that one though
gellaho
Liam manages to shoot someone who isn't Bob
gellaho
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
At this point it's just recycling
Velo-ing
OH MY GOD LIAM DID SOMETHING
I'll start the tally for that
1
FancyShark
And done
gellaho
Bob's not doing too hot
FancyShark
Oh is it the lethal kind of death, Alex?
gellaho
Bob the Mammoth
FancyShark
Flumping like a hero
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
What exactly is a cornered mammoth supposed to look like?
gellaho
And now: the word "shit" in a children's book
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Is it like a cornered elephant? Why not say elephant?
gellaho
Granted, it's in German, but still
FancyShark
Scarrow trying to anticipate reviews
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
The full sentence is "Shit!! Kill them!"
So, you know
gellaho
Fun for the whole family
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
I bet Bob is fine
gellaho
I wonder why anyone would want to stop you, ally of Hitler
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Listen, kids love violence and gore. Really, its your job as a parent to keep those curious lil fuckers away from such things, before they get too into it
FancyShark
"Kramer, it's a time machine. The moment one works, there will be infinite time machines."
gellaho
What the fuck are you doing, Alex
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
"Listen man, in my time the entire world was floating on jetsam in the Atlantic"
"And I'm not an asshole"
FancyShark
Alex's own dark passenger is getting loud
Brendan!™
Kramer comes from a world ruined by automobiles and his only idea is to steer Hitler to success.
gellaho
Uh oh, alerted the Nazis
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
"The only way to stop future Hitler is to aid and abet past Hitler"
Brendan!™
It is canon that only Hitler can kill Hitler.
gellaho
I wonder what Kramer's decision is going to be? I'm sure it'll be satisfying
gellaho
Who wants to guess what happens next?
FancyShark
Kramer goes home and the book ends after Liam is gunned down by nazis
Velo-ing
Please it would be so funny
The next eight books are Kramer's wacky adventures
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Chapter 88?
The forbidden chapter?!
gellaho
Bob shoots them all
Velo-ing
AHAHAHAHA
gellaho
Or maybe the Nazis shoot Kramer
FancyShark
YES
gellaho
It's somewhat unclear who fired that first shot
FancyShark
It's called "plausible deniability"
Velo-ing
WE GOT HIM
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
I knew he wasn't out
Velo-ing
WE KILLED TIME HITLER
gellaho
Bob, in his death throws, creates a zip file
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
"I'll never forget you"
MEMORY DELETED
Velo-ing
Liam digs his fingers into Bob's neck, aware he will have to pry the head off with his bare hands
FancyShark
Now surely Sal must be-!
[runs back to Sal]
[horrified look]
gellaho
I'm sure a giant explosion near Hitler's house won't create any ripples in time
Velo-ing
There are so many more books of this
FancyShark
The advanced future weapons that died choking on their own filth
Velo-ing
"Shut the fuck up Liam. For once in your life shut the fuck up and let something be cool."
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Ah yes the "I'm still struggling to see robots as people even though this one is so clearly a person I am crying about it" trope
gellaho
Well, time for Liam to crack open Bob's head
Brendan!™
One grenade, one stockpile catastrophe.
Velo-ing
Oh no, Liam totally sees him as a person. To the point Bob is uncomfortable about it. You missed that part
gellaho
Meanwhile, in the apocalypse
Brendan!™
Bob, how often are we going to do this "You must kill me" tearjerk? God, I'm so exhausted by us.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Wait, we WERE in chapter 88?!
Hahaha, I missed that part
gellaho
Bob's infant brain liked Liam
The infant brain which is now dead
Velo-ing
Super dead
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
You can't have a chapter 88 in a hitler book, it's bad luck, like having a 13th floor in a building
Velo-ing
As dead as a brain can be
FancyShark
A Sal-level of dead
gellaho
The world is freshening up
Velo-ing
I know that pram!
That's good writing
FancyShark
Time fixing itself like you just revived a cherry tree in Okami
Velo-ing
Good job Alex
gellaho
The Nazi banners come back, for some reason
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
You fool, there are millions of prams in NYC!
Velo-ing
Damn it
We're going to have to kill another Bob
gellaho
But, don't worry. Shrek is here
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Also I love how everyone went along with my obnoxious need to sometimes use British words
Mostly because "pram" is 4 letters and stroller and carraige are more than that
Velo-ing
Several more
Each
gellaho
Ah, well everything is right in the world
Oh, right, 9/11
FancyShark
And now they return to this most beautiful day of...September 11, 2001
Velo-ing
Everything except Bob
OH RIGHT
I actually forgot that
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
But Nazi 9/11 now?
Velo-ing
I was so focused on the Hitler part
Nah nazis are gone
FancyShark
End the book, Scarrow. End it on that. I dare you.
Velo-ing
But what about the crushing realization Sal isn't coming back
Don't we need to highlight that?
gellaho
Let's consider murder-suicide again
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Oh, so when you fix the timeline, it doesn't auto correct to the right one, it has to roll backwards through all the wrong ones, in order, first?
gellaho
For some reason, yes
Velo-ing
Time is linear and also a circle
FancyShark
Maddy sure has been a part of this
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
That would make sense from a cinematography point of view. But this ain't a film
Velo-ing
Yep she was definitely present
I remember her super power of Using Google
Brendan!™
Sal, you're alive! And for some reason you remember being torn apart by rat-men!
gellaho
You are writing a book for tweens, my guy
gellaho
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
And we know a happy ending is coming anyways, get outta here with this meta shit
gellaho
No suicide for me today, huzzah!
Velo-ing
It's still early
gellaho
9/11, it's so beautiful!
Velo-ing
Let's abandon plans on a spur of the moment decision here
Greg, R.K.A.
Wow this book cage is really a whole thing tonight
FancyShark
Hi, @Greg, R.K.A. !
Greg, R.K.A.
Lotta 9/11s and suicide
Velo-ing
We've salted the rim of the barrel like a margarita
Do we really want to waste that salt
gellaho
"I've never seen anything as beautiful as 9/11," writes Alex Scarrow
FancyShark
Into the archives
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
What is a massive terrorist attack if not the proof of life?
Velo-ing
YEP
gellaho
And here's Liam, covered in blood and brain tissue
FancyShark
"I didn't have a knife. I had to use my teeth."
"That's great, Liam. No one cares."
gellaho
Well, time for a nap
Velo-ing
"I taste him."
"Shut up Liam, you didn't kill Hitler at all did you."
gellaho
I would definitely have a great sleep after cutting open someone's brain
FancyShark
"I sneezed partway through. There are fragments of Bob in my sinuses."
"We should have let you drown."
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Eventually you just get too tired to continue
gellaho
And Bob is in the computer now
Velo-ing
"I cried for hours."
"You are the second most disappointing member of this team."
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Also, isn't Foster like aging rapidly at this point? With the body of a 109 year old?
gellaho
Go steal some human eggs and sperm, kid
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Foster isn't a computer expert but he programmed a cyborg that can learn?
gellaho
That went so well, you are going to be fine
FancyShark
"Maybe get better filters this time"
Velo-ing
"Did you know it's possible to cry so much your tears turn to blood?"
"The wrong kid died, Liam. The wrong kid died."
gellaho
And hey, guess what?
Velo-ing
Dr Pepper?
FancyShark
"You'll be fine. Don't tell anyone what happened to Sal. It wasn't my fault."
gellaho
Sal's back
gellaho
Because fuck you, that's why
FancyShark
Sal v2
This is a Callie situation
Velo-ing
They undid the thing that killed her! It'd be weird if she was still dead
They ctrl+z-ed that shit real hard
FancyShark
She's going to remember the dying. Scarrow will not let her be happy
gellaho
With selective memories
Brendan!™
Sal is the expert at noticing differences and she doesn't even know she DIED.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
If you die your memories revert to the last save file, and Sal does not save scum
gellaho
She doesn't remember any of the Nazi/apocalypse adventure, but does remember getting transported there
For some reason
Velo-ing
Yeah
They undid that bit
FancyShark
And into the archives
Velo-ing
Your classic linear time travel
Greg, R.K.A.
I'm gonna have to Quentin Tarantino this book cage and start from the beginning to figure out what led here haha
Velo-ing
This all makes sense
It's not good, but it makes sense
gellaho
And they're going to keep her brutal death to themselves
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Eh, not my best work. It's only funny to you because you know how often I abuse save scumming
Velo-ing
HOW MANY FUCKING PAGES ARE IN THIS BOOK
gellaho
But Bob's alive in the computer now, so that's fun
Velo-ing
I look forward to him becoming a villain
gellaho
405, we're almost there
Velo-ing
Jesus Christ
FancyShark
I hope, by the end of this series, Maddy and Liam are shuddering piles of tears at all the deaths Sal suffers. Because kids love that.
Velo-ing
I looked it up because the pictures make this book look insultingly thick
And it is
gellaho
But, they are still going to grow another cyborg slave
Greg, R.K.A.
Bob is not dead he is MSN messenger
Brendan!™
It won't be Bob but I guess it will be exactly Bob.
gellaho
Hmmmmmmmmmmmm
FancyShark
Liam still spent a few years in a prison camp. We're letting him keep those memories
Brendan!™
You can't remove Bob from your system. Not really. He's rootkit.
gellaho
He's probably fine
Velo-ing
Oh right Liam has Time Cancer on top of everything else
God damn it Sal I miss when you were dead
So-o-o-o dead
gellaho
You're fully briefed and ready to police time, 18 year old
FancyShark
"But you'll be fine. Time cancer doesn't kick in until your 70s"
gellaho
And, yes, Liam will also die soon. Huzzah!
Brendan!™
The existence of Bobs negates the need for any Time Teens
He doesn't even age.
gellaho
What a fun premise for adventure
Brendan!™
Just clone Bobs.
Velo-ing
Time Cancer!
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
You guys can take turns instead of having one person bear the brunt of all time travel
Velo-ing
I was joking
Velo-ing
Sounds hard, rather Liam died
FancyShark
So her role is Debbie Downer
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Or you can get more orphans
Greg, R.K.A.
Can you imagine if all the Avengers movies ended with everyone getting time cancer from all the time fuckery
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
It's called leadership
Velo-ing
Fuck it, throw toddlers at this problem
gellaho
So, Foster's going to live out his last days as a 27 year old before dying of many, many cancers
Velo-ing
Congratulations Collin, you just learned what the color blue is, and now it's time to kill Columbus
FancyShark
See the sights on 9/11
Brendan!™
You can eat all the hot dogs you want in the Financial District on 9/11!
FancyShark
archived
gellaho
There he goes to die
Brendan!™
Must be nice living in 9/11 and knowing you'll be dead long before mesothelioma gets you.
FancyShark
And he's hit by a bus
Velo-ing
Hit directly by a plane
Oh shit someone follow him, he might be piloting one of those planes
What a great sequel that would be
gellaho
Maddy considers the simple life of this Starbucks employee, forgetting that her life is about to be shattered by 9/11
gellaho
Fuck you, Maddy
FancyShark
Maddy, who definitely had something to do
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Oh yes, the simple life of a minimum wage service employee who certainly never makes decisions OUTSIDE of work
gellaho
So, that's the book. Here's a helpful chart
Velo-ing
That's not helpful at all
gellaho
We have finally defeated Time Riders
FancyShark
WE DID IT!
Velo-ing
WE WON 9/11
gellaho
So concludes, through time shenanigans, The Book Cage #115
Velo-ing
Can I share one of the covers of a future book in this series? The art is just the biggest red flag
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Glad I was able to miss 2 hours of the last third of the book and not skip a beat
Brendan!™
FINALLY we close the book on America's darkest chapter.
Velo-ing
Book 1 of 9
Also
gellaho
No
But, I can
Brendan!™
I maintain they would have encountered Steele in timeline 3.
gellaho
Where do you go after 9/11 and Hitler?
That's right, dinosaurs
FancyShark
lol
Fuck you, Scarrow
Velo-ing
Oh that's not the one I was thinking of but my god that's majestic
gellaho
And, if you are wondering how Liam doesn't die from millions of years of time travel
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Should have opened with dinosaurs
gellaho
Don't worry about it
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Oh is Liam the Chosen One
FancyShark
Somehow the dinosaurs discover time travel and also try to help Hitler
gellaho
Also, a random xenomorph for some reason
Velo-ing
These books are so big
FancyShark
ATROCIMETER STANDINGS
Total Active Atrocities:
-Titanic - 1517 dead
-Foster's last team - 3 dead
-9/11 - 2996 times infinity
-Accidents with tube children - ~150
-Tomas and Ethan teleporter accident - 2
-Mocking the disabled
-Toying with a dying child
-Mocking the Irish dead
-Timetravel kills the traveler - 5+ (non-nazi victims only)
-Shrek
-Sal hates the Final Countdown
-Fuckin' Nazi Party
-No cellphones
-Corpse robbing for clothes
-Nazi web page
-White house marines - ~150
-The US military - 11,648,775
-Presidential cabinet - 26
-NYC to the camps (1956) - 7,781,984
-The world (2001) - 6,226,000,000
-NYC into mutants (1956) - 2,334,595
-Cannibal mutants - 2,334,594
-Shelling prison camp to rescue prisoners - JFC. Maybe 150
-Executing prisoners out of spite - Holy shit. Also, I dunno, 50?
-Power outage shutdown spare tube children and they choked to death on their own feces - 450
-Dehumanizing the tube children after they died - 450
-Force obsolescence of tube children via brain atrophy leading to starvation - 601
-Torching historical relics - No casualties, but dick move
-Sal devoured alive by mutants and they never even try to save her - 1
-Pidgin English laundry owner
-All life wiped out by time nuke - 11 billion humans?
-JFK Assassination - 2
-This book
gellaho
Don't know why that copyright infringement is there. It's just dinosaurs
FancyShark
Especially weird they'd have an Alien when it's Day of the Predator
Velo-ing
Jayzus: 17
Dr Pepper: 5
Times Liam Has Done Something: 1
gellaho
You see why I wanted to keep track of this
FancyShark
It's amazing
I can't wait to see how fucked up this list is by the final book
gellaho
Can't believe this was intended for children. Or anyone, really
Velo-ing
It's such a bad sign that I could get some of these books used for less than a dollar
I'm guessing they don't get better
And I'm so happy about that
gellaho
To have Sal encounter the mutants first, describe her fear for a hundred pages, and have them rip her apart and eat her
And she's 13, it's psychotic
Velo-ing
It's literally a hundred pages isn't it? At least a hundred
A quarter of this book is Sal describing her fear of the thing that happens to her
gellaho
And however she was supposed to die traumatized her. We never found out what that was
Velo-ing
What an amazing find
Thank you @gellaho for tonight, and for sharing this psychopath's work with us
gellaho
The second I laid eyes on "New York, 2001" I was obsessed with it
FancyShark
This is going to be such a glorious ride
Thank you again, @gellaho !
And great riffing, everyone!
Have a great night, weekend and week next week!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
sadly I was too busy with the baby to take part in the time riders finale but I've read through it now because I just had to know how that all turned out
the answer of course was "it turned out horribly"