gellaho
The slow process of sending one through at a time is really good
115: Time Riders Alex Scarrow
#1 Time Riders
Tags:
Mess around with time, and the world you know... could become a world you don't
Archive
FancyShark
So they can play The Purge on demand
Brendan!™
Ask the Carthaginians.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
For purging.
Velo-ing
Getting rid of ethnics in time
Pure Novelist Mordred 📚
NOT ADEN NOOOOO
Velo-ing
Time travel is full of nazis
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
KARL GOOD TO SEE YOU
Velo-ing
99% of time travellers are Nazis.
1% are Liam
gellaho
So many clocks
Brendan!™
Damn. Brayden, Jayden, and Kayden are going to have to tell their mother she lost a son.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Every one of these answers is bad but this is the worst! Congrats!
Velo-ing
I won something!
Scorn!
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Oh sweet, maybe they ARE battling time Nazis, things are looking up.
Brendan!™
Nazis love time travel and HATE talking about their fathers.
Velo-ing
Liam would recognize men. He knows what those are.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Oh I thought men were invented in the 20s
Velo-ing
I thought so too but I looked it up
September 14, 1901
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Back then everyone was men
Women came later
Like 1977
gellaho
Kramer grenades the place as he goes through
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
I AM READY TO DO THE TIME THING YOURE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO SIR
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
And a good thing too because it was a real sausage fest.
gellaho
Whee
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
Women always coming later
Velo-ing
Oh no! Karl!
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
That means two things
Velo-ing
🕘 !
Brendan!™
Are you women going to just sit there and let Jakesy say you're always late?
Velo-ing
noooo
Liam would recognize eyes being shut
gellaho
Well, time to imprint the newly born, genetically engineered cyborg brain slave
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
And what's with the cab drivers and the BO? How long are these shifts?
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
I'm going to ignore him, like I do with any man who is bothering me
Velo-ing
"Liam you are a father now."
FancyShark
"Liam, you're the least endearing, so it's important the Kill Golem doesn't hate you the fastest"
Velo-ing
They just keep saddling Liam with bullshit and I love it
Brendan!™
This just keeps getting more criminal.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Goddamn AI Frankensteins, stealing jobs from analogue Frankensteins
Brendan!™
Now it's bound by its computer OS to adore the first person it sees.
Look how quickly you can compound crimes against humanity with a time machine!
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Fuuuuuuuuuck are you still going on about this boring ass clone Frankenstein?! Fuck that shit book, we are like five years from that just being normal, as soon as a billionaire kills enough monkeys.
gellaho
That does sound fun
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Well we can't let the two girls be protagonists
Velo-ing
"Don't be alarmed when the Kill Golem wants to sleep in the same bed with you, Liam."
Brendan!™
"I shall name you...Rex," croons Liam, "For you are my son, the king of kings. Arise, Rex Liam Moran."
Velo-ing
"Don't be alarmed when Kill Golem calls you Papa"
"Aside from the Kill Golem this is perfectly safe."
Brendan!™
Don't worry, my murder meatloaf is compelled by a complex system of computer-administered pain to love you.
gellaho
Let's really give the kids a detailed description of this naked man
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
Ah, a Creamy Boy
Why didn't they just say so
Velo-ing
"Let it stick it's thumb in your mouth, Liam."
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
"If the Kill Golem wants to hug you make sure you do so with your neck in its arms, so you will be killed instantly in case of a Lenny Protocol."
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
A milk homunculus
Velo-ing
"It's part of the bonding."
Brendan!™
Hug your floppy wet frog he-man son, Liam.
FancyShark
Homilkulus
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
Homogenized Homunculus
gellaho
Then the thirteen year old gets a good look at his dick
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
Hahaha I knew it
Velo-ing
I was going to say they already referenced its dick when they first saw it
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
"Liam, the reason we brought you from that sinking ship is we need someone to keep giving rabbits to the Kill Golem while it learns fine motor control."
Brendan!™
Jesus Christ, I hope this thing murders Foster and becomes the protagonist
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
Meat gazing the meat man
gellaho
This fucking book
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
I thought these teens were older teens. I'm distressed
I was expecting 16/17
Velo-ing
They referenced it, and they implied it was big
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Which is still too young to deputize as a time cop
Velo-ing
big floppy milkhog
oh i hate those words i just made
FancyShark
"It is vital that the test tube human hang dong"
Brendan!™
This is the most hot dog book of the year.
Velo-ing
Anyways this thing is named Slopdong now
gellaho
Let's get SpongeBob in here
gellaho
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Shes from 2026, that girl has seen like six more impressive dicks this week.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Nothing like leaning into a bit that makes you feel immediate pain upon saying it
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Also fuck you Maddy, Patrick is a fine name.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Keeps you alive
gellaho
Let's get Arnold in here, sure
Velo-ing
🕘 's back!
Brendan!™
Arnie Hammer, because of his big dong.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Oh come on
Brendan!™
And the cannibalism.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
So obvious
Velo-ing
Maddy
FancyShark
Or you could name him Hodor, after the lovable giant in that critically acclaimed show everyone loved, right, Sal?
gellaho
And let's get this tired joke in here
Velo-ing
Maddy repeating it isn't going to make Liam understand
Anyways, Liam would recognize dong
Brendan!™
HOW MUCH BETTER OFF WOULD WE BE
gellaho
And first person to say anything about 45 is a loser
Velo-ing
Histoically speaking
Brendan!™
I don't care
gellaho
Congratulations
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
Didn't he start this book with a terminator line
Come with me if you want to live
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Yeah the guy that needed hamburgers and terrorism explained will definitely have seen The Terminator.
gellaho
Sort of
Brendan!™
Republicans in 2010 did want to amend the constitution so Arnie could run.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Um akshully Arnie is ineligible to be president because he is not a natural born citizen of the country
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
It would have been funnier if Maddy had referenced Arnold as the Governor of California.
Ozzie
Hence amending the constitution
gellaho
Anyway, it's Bob
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
Yeah where were they on that one, I thought they knew time travel
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
By the time that amendment would have gone through he would have died of old age. Most unrealistic part of this book
Brendan!™
Bob, because he was floating when we found him.
Velo-ing
Okay so it's an extremely veiled terminator reference
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
If she was nine in 2001 theres no way The Terminator would be her cultural touchstone for Arnold and not him being the Governor of California.
Brendan!™
How many pages did we take to name this crime of existence?
FancyShark
Summarizing other stories in the middle of your story. The mark of a true author.
gellaho
Seems like a real great person to have on the team
Brendan!™
"WHY PAIN" croaked Bob
FancyShark
But they have to go through this every 48 hours
Brendan!™
"WHY LIFE"
Velo-ing
Liam would recognize jumpsuits
Brendan!™
"BOB WILL DIE ONE DAY??"
Ozzie
I love how their time team has no specialists of any kind and in fact has an Irish caveman who needs everything explained.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
[
Velo-ing
I take that back, no he wouldn't
Brendan!™
WHY WAS BOB CREATED FOR VIOLENCE IN WORLD OF POETRY
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
"Hey i could hear all that shit you guys were talking, my name is Cockula. I chose it myself."
gellaho
Time to train the child army
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Every advanced, elite hacker team needs a caveman, a teen idiot from the past, and two more teen idiots from more recent times
Brendan!™
Explain why he can't just have a Frankenstein army?
Velo-ing
"You all sleep, right now, knowing Slopdong is right here in the room. He doesn't sleep. He will be staring at you all night, to make sure you're safe."
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
And I assume Foster knows how to use a computer
FancyShark
Foster's recruitment criteria of "anyone about to die" is bound to pay off
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
You need a robust non Frankenstein officer class.
gellaho
Let me just use this dead teen's diary as my own
FancyShark
"BOB NOT KILL YOU WHILE SLEEP. BOB UNDERSTAND WANTING TO EMBRACE VOID WITH CONSCIOUS MIND."
Velo-ing
"BOB ESPECIALLY NOT KILL YOU, PAPA. BOB WATCH YOU EXTRA CLOSE."
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
22 chapters and 25 pages in, we've finally named the golem and did 9/11
FrumpyBadger
Jesus this book has so many fucking atrocities.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
I like how she keeps using that word so we dont forget shes from India.
FrumpyBadger
I feel like we all need to go to the Hague just for seeing this in print.
FancyShark
And counting!
gellaho
You'll know very soon
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
India has rickshaws and nothing else of cultural importance
Velo-ing
I've decided Bob looks like Willem Dafoe and I refuse to change that
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
She has to witness 9/11 in person to make sure it still happens
Ozzie
Hog and all
Velo-ing
Confusingly large
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Upsettingly
gellaho
"You're a dog, Sal"
FancyShark
"You can do that, right?"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
How long until it being 9\11 every other day just becomes boring for them? Like they look out the window and like "Oh its the other day in this two day cycle. Meh."
Brendan!™
Yeehaw, you're right.
gellaho
Stupid dittoheads
Ozzie
"Do we need a historian or something for this role?" "We have a 13-year-old, get off my ass."
Velo-ing
"Maybe if I explain things it will help explain things."
great writing
gellaho
This game sucks
Velo-ing
boooooooo
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
She's not like the other girls. She wears black
Velo-ing
She's not like the other girls. She pereceives things, with her eyes.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
No other women wear black, that's not a large subtype
VernoWhitney
Is she also a fabled geek girl?
Brendan!™
Even though her town is now the Manhattan of 2026.
gellaho
Shrek
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Get this, she likes rock music
Velo-ing
Fine, flying rickshaws, you god damn social justice warrior
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Fuck you, book, Nintendo stopped calling things boys in 2005!
Velo-ing
This is why we put the purge button on the time machine
FancyShark
Stuck with an eternity of Shrek, 9/11 every day seems almost a blessing
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
So she's the world pikachu champ and she wears black, clearly the ringer of the group
gellaho
So, your job is to memorize each and every detail of 9/11. Sound good?
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Hey Tommy Hilfiger is still the cornerstone of my fashion sense
How dare you book
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
lol oh god I was right
Velo-ing
Even Sal says this plan is dumb
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
The preppy look never goes out of style! I'm not like the other girls, I dress like a wealthy New England yachtswoman!
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Er.............she could just like.........google things?
Like you dont have Time Google?
Brendan!™
God, what a great week the first two days of that were. I had my pukka shell necklace, my frosted tips, and my strangely saturated American Eagle fashions on...Monday. What a day!
Velo-ing
Not in 2001 she couldn't!
Brendan!™
Computers could do this job in 2024.
gellaho
Can they?
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
No, but a parrot could!
Parrots are great at identifying Shrek.
Velo-ing
An actual dog could do this
A dog would be great at this
FancyShark
So the entire plan is to have children memorize every detail of their time bubble, like how Bill Murray memorized everything about the town in Groundhog Day, until they can notice anything out of place and then remove the anomaly. Which will take hundreds, if not thousands of years. And they have to go on the assumption nothing will go wrong in that time.
gellaho
Dogs are great at reading and seeing colors
gellaho
It's obviously a great plan
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
Well when you put it that way
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Nothing can go wrong!
Ozzie
If they can download "how to exist as a human" into their clone slug, they couldn't download time data?
VernoWhitney
I guess if they start them when they're children, they'll be able to do the job for longer.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
My only question is WHY NOT ADULTS
Velo-ing
Oh what, is she going to spot danger by reading like some fucking nerd?
FancyShark
This author wants to weaponize Groundhog Day. Even after Edge of Tomorrow did that.
Velo-ing
You spot danger by how it shoots at you
gellaho
Maddy's job is to sit at a computer and check if anything's changed
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
13 year olds are great at paying attention AND remembering details!
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
Because they've lost their childlike sense of wonder and also kids are stupid enough to go with it
FancyShark
They can trap something outside of time but they can't bother scanning shit
gellaho
Which makes a lot of assumptions that the internet would work exactly the same way in any timeline
But, computers are magic
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Like, if there is one thing a New Yorker might question, it's a 13 year old running around unattended especially on 9/11. They might ignore a 16+
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
I mean I would argue that 9/11 caused a lot of young children to become unattended
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Just hitting refresh on Rotten Tomatoes and 2001 Cracked to see if anything has changed.
gellaho
Ew
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Wait, so Maddy is old enough to be employed as an analyst?
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
Ooof that one hurt a little inside
But these colors don't run
Velo-ing
The work it would take to connect a computer from today to an internet network of 2001 would be torturous
FancyShark
Maddy immediately gets Doom installed on it
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
If she was nine in 2001 by 2010 shed be 18 so possibly her first job.
Ozzie
They can namedrop Spongebob, Terminator, and Shrek, but Second Life is where they draw the line?
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
No one can know about Second Life.
gellaho
Those are completely unrelated skills, but sure that makes her an expert in identifying discrepancies in history
Velo-ing
Would you want the Second Lifers to hear about your book?
FancyShark
Yes, databases are where debugging happens. Not the code, but the stored indexes of things
Velo-ing
Absolutely yes
gellaho
This seems like a bad plan
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
Why not get the worlds best minesweeper player while they're at it
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
This is a very stupid premise for recruiting someone for a Time Force. I fully support it.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Look, I didn't catch that discrepancy
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Cromlech Magnnussen isnt dead, duh.
gellaho
Just throw the teens out there to save the world
Velo-ing
The team continues to think this is a terrible idea
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
The timeline would miss them.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
I'm still hung up on why Foster couldn't nab a grown coal miner right before a cave in and hire him to be on the time force
Velo-ing
Not as fun
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Hell, grab a 30 year old loner hacker who is in the twin towers on 9/11
He's gonna die anyways
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
"You.......you guys realize we still get old, right? Im going to like........die? Liam I know you know what dying is."
Ozzie
So they still don't have specialists but they do have hobbyists.
gellaho
Sounds like a real hoot
Velo-ing
The trick about Foster is he doesn't give a shit
Brendan!™
The 13 year old was a vr programmer?
Velo-ing
Foster is yoloing his way through time
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
You get em young and you dont have to replace them so often.
gellaho
18
Velo-ing
We should follow Foster instead of these children and nude adult
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
This is the worlds most elaborate serial killer plot
gellaho
The thirteen year old was good at seek-and-find
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
The worlds best player of that Slylock Fox object find game.
Velo-ing
Unlike anyone else in history who ever died
gellaho
Alright, so
FancyShark
"It's linked into every database. Even the practice ones at tech colleges being made for programming classes. Even the ones made up of categories of pogs a hobbyist assembled."
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
This is a world where all the CIA codebreakers don't exist
gellaho
I need everyone to be prepared for the next chapter
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Sweet.
Im ready.
Velo-ing
I'm starting to think Foster has actually worked his way through the better options already, and has only got these kids now due to attrition
gellaho
So we've had 9/11, what can we add to this mix
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Its like playing X-Com, you get some real shit recruits sometimes.
gellaho
Oh, I know!
Velo-ing
no
FancyShark
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
God dammit
HITLARR
Velo-ing
AHAHAHAHA
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Hell yeah some Nazzis.
Velo-ing
PURGE
FancyShark
Oh my god. The Atrocimeter is going to go berserk.
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
Oh shit no it's going to be worse
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
The book is gonna go all Man in the High Castle.
gellaho
Hi, Kramer!
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
No one needs to know my feelings about Hitler
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
Those guys going back in time will try to kill Hitler
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
But, I think Hitler is bad
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
And our heroes. Well our heroes are there to stop them
Velo-ing
Hold on let me look him up real quick
Hmmm
gellaho
Yes, what happened to Tom and Ethan
