115: Time Riders Alex Scarrow

Velo-ing

Yeah but really well

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Look, liquid robot is cool

It's cool as shit

Brendan!™

It's two to a hut.

Velo-ing

Ice cold

gellaho

Sal considers being eaten alive and decides it's not for her

Velo-ing

Oh good glad we're back here

Not like there was anything particularly interesting happening

Brendan!™

Bob is a Bloodshot minus the cool voice.

Velo-ing

Bob just follow the cries of "Oh Jay-zus" until you find Liam

gellaho

Welp, time to go back out there

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

How many generations of cannibals can a city sustain? Assuming this is generation 2-3

FancyShark

If they eat each other, are they sustaining the overall population or gradually diminishing?

Brendan!™

13-year-girls deal with morlocks better than middle-aged Wells men.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

I mean, they need to get outside energy from somewhere, right?

Brendan!™

Can't be existentially horrified when you're rolling your eyes at your aggressors

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

ahahahaha I fucking love that Foster just brings up any possibility to abandon or kill his friends

gellaho

That is unfortunate

Brendan!™

They farm rats and feed the rats roaches.

FancyShark

They invented time travel but it can't handle diesel

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

We're missing the "plants" part of this food chain

VernoWhitney

The roaches have photosynthesis too.

Brendan!™

This book has zero redheads with wet lips. I award it no Tingobucks, and may Rex Moran have mercy on its soul.

FancyShark

The rats have little gardens, too

Brendan!™

The rats eat the cardboard and newspapers.

gellaho

Liam's been in a concentration camp for four months. Adventure!

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Wait. That's stupid. Gas and diesel DO degrade, they absolutely have shelf life. But the time bubble makes the fuel age faster?!?!

Brendan!™

they should go back in time a week when it didn't degrade.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Does the time bubble make everything age faster or just petrol?

Velo-ing

Then why not use a different type of fuel?!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

did Bob raid the wrong camp?

Velo-ing

How has the future created time travel but not nuclear generators

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Like dozens of rats on wheels

Velo-ing

This is Bob now. No take backs.

VernoWhitney

Bob was doing stuff in 1957. Liam has to wait.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I think we need to send CPS in to save these characters from their author

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Pffft, these dipshits havent even gotten back to the 1940s

Velo-ing

I was too distracted by fuel to realize how bad Bob is at rescuing

gellaho

The sequel we've all been waiting for

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

sigh

Velo-ing

... Is Kramer Santa?!

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

No, Velo

Velo-ing

Oh

aw

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

He's Krampus

gellaho

Just five days before his birthday

Velo-ing

Yay birthday

this is a book for kids

this is for young adults

gellaho

FEEL THE VENGEANCE KIDS

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

If you kill a Kramer there's always a Newman ready to take his place

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

gellaho

Sounds like Bob's search algorithm is not very good

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Oh shit, is this book now Dynasty Warriors?

Just one man, thousands of mooks, capturing bases

gellaho

Do you see what he did there?

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

EINEN UBERMENCH

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

The problem is if they keep switching timelines they will eventually run into a cyborg who used to be a New York cop, who now has the firepower of an entire army…

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"he's like some sort of superb man"

"let's workshop that name more later"

Brendan!™

Big Bob's ending

ILU BIG WET BOB

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

And a K-9 unit!

Brendan!™

HOLD UP

gellaho

Dork

Brendan!™

So like is he a man or a computer? @jakesy, aristocrat of crime

VernoWhitney

Sanctum Santorum?

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

It's like a cocky cockpit

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

Well his brain has been replaced by a computer, but fortunately the humanity is stored in the balls

gellaho

In his younger days, Kramer watched the inventor of time travel cry at a personal ad for several minutes

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

of course time travel would be invented by a guy who thought the cashier who smiled at him one time was the love of his life

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Lol time travel is for incels trying to go back to when women couldn't say no

Velo-ing

oh god no

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"Me: buying some snacks to take back to my time travel lab.

You: Gorgeous beyond measure, said 'see you around' as I left.

Really felt we had something"

FancyShark

JFC

gellaho

This memory helps Paul solve the equation to open a hole in space time

FancyShark

DIEBEL INVENTED TIME TRAVEL?!

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

You just need the Pym Particles

And magic

Lots of magic

gellaho

Nah, the guy went back in time to see his dead wife and kid one more time and saw something that horrified him. The personal ad has something to do with it, but I can't remember what

FancyShark

That's legit funnier

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"mmm, tastes like time cancer"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I'm gonna stick with our interpretation

gellaho

Kramer saw a time ghost when he time traveled, apparently

FancyShark

YUSSS

Time Wraiths!

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

He was looking for someone who also liked pina coladas

VernoWhitney

Event Horizon

4 Kids

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

did we really need two portentious quotes to explain that opening a door into Hell might be bad?

Velo-ing

It's a horribly emaciated Liam

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Doomguy explained the same thing just by punching a monitor

FancyShark

"Where we're going, we don't need eyes for nap time."

Velo-ing

Who's going to survive the camp but fall through a time hole

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Hell aint so bad. Everytime I go there I slay

gellaho

Bob still not doing great at finding Liam

FancyShark

lol

gellaho

So many dead

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

I hope the camps he's taking out form some sort of patterns on lay lines

Brendan!™

They just start in the pre-agricultural age and keep pushing the dawn of patriarchy back farther and farther as they create more of themselves.

FancyShark

Bob is clearing the map trying to figure out where he dropped his NPC

Velo-ing

So

nine out of 12

Bob your math sucks

FancyShark

Bob's fuckup means so many liberated

gellaho

And, if you're wondering why that's taking months, Bob has to lie completely still for five days after every raid

FancyShark

"Thank you, Bob. But your Liam is in another camp."

Velo-ing

That probability should be going up, Bob, unlike Liam

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

when the book was briefly narrated by the field sergeant or whatever from the first camp Bob raided, that guy said it was like camp number 63 or something

but I guess that's the nationwide number

FancyShark

63 is one of only twelve numbers

Velo-ing

Has Bob considered eating a sandwich

Might help

gellaho

And Bob now has a roving band of meat shields

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

raymond has to baby bird feed bob while he's laying still

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Oh so Bob eats like Delta

FancyShark

"Your stew is good, but it's no Gogurt"

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Everything must be 100lbs of pure protein or not real food

gellaho

Captain Bob

Velo-ing

These are clearly spies

Kill them, Bob

Kill them all

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I like to imagine this continues for a hundred years, and the soldiers develop a religion that Liam is the chosen one who's salvation will usher in a new age

gellaho

What a rousing speech

FancyShark

"Stopping Midspoon In A Concentration Camp" is Steven Seagal's self-penned autobiography

Well, self-crayoned

gellaho

Why wait a hundred?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

well I called that nice and quick

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

God is the machine and the machine will rend your flesh in the name of the divine

Brendan!™

Underrated remark

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Is. Am I doing philosophy right?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh wow I missed that one

gellaho

And so, Bob implies that he is the personification of God's wrath to a scared group of concentration camp refugees

gellaho

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"ya kapitane Bob, we haff brought you some strudel to replenish yourself!"

FancyShark

Bob inventing religion like an engineer building IKEA furniture

"I don't know what this does, but it seems to work"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"anyway we must save Liam. He is my mother."

gellaho

And we will end tonight's session with that sacrilege

FancyShark

Good stopping point

Velo-ing

"And now we go to find Liam."

"You mean Uber Bottom Liam?! The Best Bottom in Delmarva?!"

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Don't lean into the religion bob

Oh shit, the book is still going?!

And we have to wait for another session?!

FancyShark

I think this marks the halfway point!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

the heroes haven't even met the villain yet

gellaho

The 115th Edition of The Book Cage will return

gellaho

Sometime

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

FFFFFFFFFFFFfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

VernoWhitney

Only 50 chapters to go?

Velo-ing

Thank you @gellaho !

FancyShark

@Velo-ing ! Please hit us with the current Dr Pepper and Jaysus tallies!

Yes, thank you, @gellaho !

Brendan!™

We end, as we began, on a prior to kill all who oppose us.

FancyShark

We're doing it!

Velo-ing

Dr Pepper: 5

Jayzus: 9

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Liam is trying to say Jayzus but it's just... so... cold...

Brendan!™

We have defeated Time Riders. Unfortunately it went back in time and reset things again, a la Terminator vs. Robocop.

FancyShark

Atrocimeter Stats:

Total Active Atrocities:

-Titanic - 1517 dead

-Foster's last team - 3 dead

-9/11 - 2996 times infinity

-Accidents with tube children - ~150

-Tomas and Ethan teleporter accident - 2

-Mocking the disabled - 1

-Toying with a dying child - 1

-Mocking the Irish dead - 2

-Timetravel kills the traveler - 5+

-Shrek - 1

-Sal hates the Final Countdown - 1

-Fuckin' Nazi Party - 1

-No cellphones - 3

-Corpse robbing for clothes - 2

-Nazi web page - 1

-White house marines - ~150

-The US military - 11,648,775

-Presidential cabinet - 26

-NYC to the camps (1956) - 7,781,984

-The world (2001) - 6,226,000,000

-NYC into mutants (1956) - 2,334,595

Time Out

-JFK Assassination - 2

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Accidents with Tube Children is my favorite

Velo-ing

Shark was the best choice for this list

gellaho

42, but these chapters were longer

Brendan!™

These bodycounts are going to have to be cross-indexed against the numerous timeline reboots.

gellaho

We're on 250, only 150 to go

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

I'm going to die

FancyShark

Great riffing, everyone!

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

lol

Brendan!™

What about the Hitler Standard Deduction net?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

it was a lot of work to make this torture-fest barrel of misery into something light hearted and fun, but I think we got there

Brendan!™

There is nothing in here for a teen. Nothing.

Velo-ing

The book cage version of this book is fun! The actual book version sounds like hell

FancyShark

uh oh, did I miss an atrocity? I'm not counting Hitler dying as one. Same goes for the Cronenberg nazi teleportation

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

I find this easier than those other time travel books with that one likable French Woman (Cross) and then all the other people (irrelevant)

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

any tally of this book's atrocities will only be approximate. You've done well

FancyShark

The final atrocity is going to be the book itself

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

the alpha and omega

Brendan!™

Oh I thought the German Philadelphia Experiment was part of the time travel -5 deaths

FancyShark

I like the way you think

If they were nazis, though, they don't count

But I can update that

Total Active Atrocities:

-Titanic - 1517 dead

-Foster's last team - 3 dead

-9/11 - 2996 times infinity

-Accidents with tube children - ~150

-Tomas and Ethan teleporter accident - 2

-Mocking the disabled - 1

-Toying with a dying child - 1

-Mocking the Irish dead - 2

-Timetravel kills the traveler - 5+ (non-nazi victims only)

-Shrek - 1

-Sal hates the Final Countdown - 1

-Fuckin' Nazi Party - 1

-No cellphones - 3

-Corpse robbing for clothes - 2

-Nazi web page - 1

-White house marines - ~150

-The US military - 11,648,775

-Presidential cabinet - 26

-NYC to the camps (1956) - 7,781,984

-The world (2001) - 6,226,000,000

-NYC into mutants (1956) - 2,334,595

Time Out

-JFK Assassination - 2

gellaho

The Book Cage: Episode 115.3

Time Riders: The Finale

After transitioning form a life of infinite 9/11s to a world ruled by Nazis, last time our tortured teens were transported to a post-apocalypse filled with cannibalistic mutants. That is, other than the 16-year old stuck in a concentration camp in the past. Will their cyborg, super-healing, infant-brained slave be able to save him? Will they be able to prevent all of this happening in the first place? And how many more traumatic childhood memories does Alex Scarrow need before he is satisfied? Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern.

gellaho

FancyShark

YUSSSS

I really like how insane this book has been

gellaho

There's plenty of surprises left

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

I have a meeting at that time. Too bad, I actually wanted to see how this one ended

Brendan!™

Damn, sorry to miss the back of this one.

But all the way here for Time Riders.

gellaho

Coming up on the hour, it's the conclusion of Time Riders. Here is where we left off

gellaho

Here is where we are going

gellaho

And, to put you in the mood, here is Living Colour's weird ass song about 9/11

https://youtu.be/b_f_8Wqb2SY?si=ZZ3IZeRsbjT0fD2g

Velo-ing

Oh right, America was invaded by nazi flying saucers, our Terminator is searching for the Irish boy that got saved from the titanic and is now in a concentration camp in the northwest and is leading an armed resistance, New Hitler prevented global warming but then nuked the entire world out of sheer paranoia, and the three characters who definitely have names for sure are in the Fallout ruins of Manhattan

and this is our author

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

I can hang out for the first hour, and hopefully maybe after 8, if it's still going

If I feel like it

Frosty miltshake Thrillho

KANE LIVES IN DEATH!

Ferroday is a woman, too!

how are there 57 chapters how long is this book

Velo-ing

The book continues until the author runs out of words

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

He keeps using the same words over and over, too

FancyShark

Atrocimeter: Current Record

Total Active Atrocities:

-Titanic - 1517 dead

-Foster's last team - 3 dead

-9/11 - 2996 times infinity

-Accidents with tube children - ~150

-Tomas and Ethan teleporter accident - 2

-Mocking the disabled - 1

-Toying with a dying child - 1

-Mocking the Irish dead - 2

-Timetravel kills the traveler - 5+ (non-nazi victims only)

-Shrek - 1

-Sal hates the Final Countdown - 1

-Fuckin' Nazi Party - 1

-No cellphones - 3

-Corpse robbing for clothes - 2

-Nazi web page - 1

-White house marines - ~150

-The US military - 11,648,775

-Presidential cabinet - 26

-NYC to the camps (1956) - 7,781,984

-The world (2001) - 6,226,000,000

-NYC into mutants (1956) - 2,334,595

Time Out

-JFK Assassination - 2

VernoWhitney

Without ChatGPT? Craftsmanship.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

I feel like I picked a bad time to also try and read today's article

gellaho

Ride resumes now

FancyShark

BOOK

CAGE

Velo-ing

BOOK

CAGE

Hi @FancyShark !

Hi @gellaho !

FancyShark

Hi, @Velo-ing !

Hi, @gellaho !

Hi, @Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster !

gellaho

Sal ignores their currently hopeless position in the apocalypse to read an oatmeal cookie advertisement

Velo-ing

Fuck it let's die reading ads

FancyShark

"And I mean all the pleasures"

gellaho

Like how you sent that Irish kid to fight the Nazis

VernoWhitney

Did building a subway age them faster, too?

FancyShark

Hi, @VernoWhitney !

Maddy said it was a school project because "I live on a train" only works for the Boxcar Children

gellaho

Very organized mutant cannibals

FancyShark

"Oh my god! They're monsters! With OCD!"

Velo-ing

Fuck it let's live in the bone piles

gellaho

Nerd kick

Velo-ing

Foster you do not get to have an attitude right now

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

And pearls before swine

Velo-ing

This is 90% your fault

gellaho

Hump day, amirite?

Velo-ing

Foster shut up

gellaho

"'March thirteenth, 1957,' that's how people write dates," thought Alex Scarrow, author and rock guitarist

Those darn troublemakers at DC

FancyShark

Rumors of Invincible Killing Machine Clearly Work of Pranksters

Velo-ing

He probably could have changed his title from Fuhrer if he wanted to

And he didn't, which is how we know he's the villain

Despite preventing the holocaust and global warming and ending war

gellaho

Those mutants are masters of stealth

Brendan!™

Hey, am I too late to help you guys do a never-ending 9/11?

gellaho

Nuking the entire planet is pretty big in the negative column

Velo-ing

Meh

FancyShark

HELLO, @Brendan!™ !

VernoWhitney

But no more war. Eh?

FancyShark

You're just in time!

FancyShark

On a Friday or a Monday? It matters!

gellaho

Probably should have closed the door on their way into the storage room

FancyShark

"GET FUNKY!"

gellaho

Imagine the sucking chest wound children, the blood of the once-human!

Velo-ing

Oh right this is a young adult book isn't it?

That's fucking madness

FancyShark

Adding "cannibal mutants" as a separate atrocity

Brendan!™

The best thing about newspapers is how often they survive nuclear conflagration and land exactly where they need to be read.

Try THAT, web media.

gellaho

I imagine if the storage room has giant diesel barrels there'd be a flatbed cart nearby. No? OK.

FancyShark

The barrels are anthropomorphic and friendly because this is for children

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Is Maddy th 13 year old? No, that's Sal, right?

FancyShark

I think they're both 13?

gellaho

The time machine has to charge up for a full day. Charge what? Who knows!

gellaho

gellaho

Maddy is 18

Velo-ing

Charge Time, it says so on the instructions

gellaho

Sal is 13

Liam is 16

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Right, and she's already highly accomplished in her field

FancyShark

Seems like a time machine should charge instantly. Relatively.

gellaho

Yes, she programmed Second Life

Velo-ing

Yeah charge up, then go back in time and have already been charged

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

A dead phone can be used within minutes of plugging it in. Time machine tech from the future? 24 hours

Velo-ing

This Time Machine sucks

gellaho

Yes, the teens definitely know what a jerry can is

Velo-ing

Go back and make a better one

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

I did

Dad always kept a jerry can for the lawn mower

gellaho

This is the best way, sure

FancyShark

They're going to raise the diesel until it's old enough to produce diesel of its own

Velo-ing

Time travel to a time with easier access to fossil fuels

gellaho

Please shut up

Velo-ing

Please die Maddy

Also Foster

I don't think Sal has ever said or done anything

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

So they divided the big container in to (handy, nearby) small containers so they could lift them. Then they put all the small containers into a pram so they can lift THAT, even though its the same mass of fuel + the weight of the pram

gellaho

"I've seen Star Trek"

FancyShark

It's why carrying smaller bills makes a wallet lighter

Velo-ing

Yeah but they're on a pram now

FancyShark

Sure, any speed faster than light goes through time. That's why we call it a light year. It's just science.

gellaho

Anyway, back to the 16 year old from the 1800s who's been in a labor camp for six months

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Maybe treating the fuel like a baby gives them the maternal strength to lift a child no matter their size

VernoWhitney

It ain't heavy. It's my brother.

Velo-ing

"Concentration camps are mean" thought Liam

FancyShark

Making a young Irish lad work in a prison camp. You'd never guess the author was British.

gellaho

This is what happens when you try to forge Kohl's Cash

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Kohl means "Cabbage"

FancyShark

I'll allow it. Kohl has reasonable prices and a good selection.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Their selection sucks, give me Macy's any day

gellaho

First Superman, now Iron Man

FancyShark

OH GOD THE MACE!

Still not enough to make Iron Man interesting

gellaho

Let's get some more Terminator in here