FancyShark
Normally you can tell which character is the author's favorite. Here, only the most hated
115: Time Riders Alex Scarrow
#1 Time Riders
Tags:
Mess around with time, and the world you know... could become a world you don't
Archive
Velo-ing
Foster is the favorite
FancyShark
oh yeah
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
I sure hope they use time travel to rescue Liam on day 1 of confinement
gellaho
"Uh?"
Velo-ing
He also feels like a self insert but I don't know enough about the author to be sure
FancyShark
"But I remember the entire time!"
"Quit crying or we let you drown on the Titanic"
gellaho
That's how you end a chapter! "Uh?"
Velo-ing
no please
That can't be how the chapter actually ends
Brendan!™
Wet Bob the Terminator vs. Nazi Iron Man
Velo-ing
Not with a WHUMP! and an Uh?
gellaho
You get another whump
gellaho
Whump Whump Whump Whump Whump Whump Whump Whump Whump Whump Whump Whump
FancyShark
To be fair, this would happen to Liam even if it was Math Camp
Velo-ing
Are they just mortaring the prison camp?
That's not a good way to save people
FancyShark
It's faster, though
gellaho
Imagine the viscera of the dozen men, kids!
VernoWhitney
To shreds, you say?
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Don't RUN OUTSIDE during the shelling
Also, the guards can still kill the prisoners out of spite before going down
FancyShark
"By golly, it's Grommit! And he's chewing those Jerries to hamburger with that mounted gun!"
Velo-ing
Bob you are specifically trying to rescue a single person
gellaho
Well, here comes the firing squad, kids!
Velo-ing
Explosives are not your friend
FancyShark
Vooster called it
Velo-ing
Yay!
Do it
Kill Liam
gellaho
Add it to the tally
Velo-ing
Do it you coward book
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
I know my war crimes!
NONE OF THE OTHER PRISONERS NOTICED
Velo-ing
That's our 10th Jayzus!
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
These people deserve death, frankly
gellaho
And here's where the concentration camp inmates get massacred. In this book for children!
FancyShark
I need body counts for the war crimes or the atrocimeter is going to be off
lol, dear god
gellaho
Imagine it kids! Imagine the fields of corpses, the twitching of the nearly dead, and the panic and grief of those who remain!
Velo-ing
How's Wallace doing
FancyShark
I wonder what conventions for this book would have looked like
Velo-ing
I got really attached to Wallace
FancyShark
He's off making some kooky contraption
gellaho
Imagine crawling over the deceased, the wounded crying for help
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
That's just a Wednesday
Hump day
gellaho
And now they're exploding, wheeeeeee
FancyShark
hahahahaha
VernoWhitney
You hope that's just soil.
Velo-ing
Deep down you know it isn't
gellaho
Consider what flesh ripping might sound like, children
FancyShark
This is like airing the Battle of Normandy scene from Saving Private Ryan in the middle of an episode of Saved By The Bell
Velo-ing
To be fair that does sound fun and cool
gellaho
Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with Alex Scarrow and The Penguin Group
How are there nine of these
FancyShark
Yeah, I talked myself into it. I need that now.
holy shit, NINE?!
gellaho
Yes, indeedy
FancyShark
hahahaha
Velo-ing
Those book cages are going to be intense
VernoWhitney
So people bought them?
FancyShark
Gellaho did. So that's one!
Velo-ing
Gellaho might be the first customer here
FancyShark
A 1900hotdog tradition!
gellaho
I bought it purely off the cover, I was floored to find out it was about 9/11
Much less... fucking everything else
Velo-ing
That's going in the collage
FancyShark
Oh man. Do we do separate tallies for each book or cumulative dr peppers?
Velo-ing
Both
gellaho
Let's just get even more Terminator in here. Robot guy looking for a Connor
Velo-ing
Separate but then we add them up at the end of each book
gellaho
The premise of the next book is really stupid, but you'll find out about that later
Velo-ing
"This is going to be such a great scene for the trailer" The author said to himself
FancyShark
You spoil us
gellaho
Joke's on you, book, I already made a Terminator Ape many moons ago
gellaho
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Did you ever make Bus Ape? Because someone brought up Bus Ape on Wednesday an I forgot to ask if such a creature existed
Velo-ing
Bob shoots him
gellaho
Tuft of nut in the hut
gellaho
I have made no such thiing
FancyShark
That's a Jaysus
Velo-ing
11
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
My memories are bad 😔
FancyShark
He's made no such thing yet
Velo-ing
"It's good to see you again, Bob, so it is." might be some of the worst words ever written
It is distractingly bad even by the standards of this book
gellaho
So sweet after all the carnage
Brendan!™
Bob processes friendship
Velo-ing
When did Liam become a cockney guttersnipe
gellaho
They're after his lucky charms, they are
Brendan!™
A slight shift in the time line. You probably only noticed it because you played Tetris growing up.
FancyShark
Do we have estimates on the size of these camps? Population-wise
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Aight gotta go
FancyShark
Aw. Later, V!
gellaho
It seemed like there were at least fifty guards, so there had to be a lot
FancyShark
Thanks for reading with us!
Velo-ing
My gut says 75 but I have no idea if that number came from the book
FancyShark
I can roll with that
gellaho
But you'll need your pencil ready for the next horror
Velo-ing
Oh shit
We don't usually get a horror warning
gellaho
That's right, all the clones died due to the power going out
FancyShark
hahahahahahahaha
Velo-ing
"It was incredibly painful for them."
Brendan!™
A garden of Dry Bobitos.
Velo-ing
"The only emotion they had been programmed to feel was fear."
gellaho
I mean, Jesus Christ
Velo-ing
So that's 4
gellaho
And, guess what?
They choked to death on their own shit
FancyShark
For the love of god
gellaho
This is a real book
Meant for tweens
Velo-ing
These words were printed on paper
Trees were cut down for this
Old growth trees
FancyShark
Atrocimeter Update
Total Active Atrocities:
-Titanic - 1517 dead
-Foster's last team - 3 dead
-9/11 - 2996 times infinity
-Accidents with tube children - ~150
-Tomas and Ethan teleporter accident - 2
-Mocking the disabled - 1
-Toying with a dying child - 1
-Mocking the Irish dead - 2
-Timetravel kills the traveler - 5+ (non-nazi victims only)
-Shrek - 1
-Sal hates the Final Countdown - 1
-Fuckin' Nazi Party - 1
-No cellphones - 3
-Corpse robbing for clothes - 2
-Nazi web page - 1
-White house marines - ~150
-The US military - 11,648,775
-Presidential cabinet - 26
-NYC to the camps (1956) - 7,781,984
-The world (2001) - 6,226,000,000
-NYC into mutants (1956) - 2,334,595
-Cannibal mutants - 2,334,594
-Shelling prison camp to rescue prisoners - JFC. Maybe 150
-Executing prisoners out of spite - Holy shit. Also, I dunno, 50?
-Power outage shutdown spare tube children and they choked to death on their own feces - 450
Time Out
-JFK Assassination - 2
Velo-ing
jesus
FancyShark
But it's okay! They un-did the Kennedy assassination!
Velo-ing
2 JFKs
gellaho
Foster tells Sal to think of them as meat robots
FancyShark
I'm keeping JFK on the list for when they correct the timestream and he and the bodyguard die again
FancyShark
Adding "dehumanizing the tube children" to the list
Velo-ing
You're planning so far ahead for that bit, and I admire that
Brendan!™
This entire book is choking to death on its own poop.
FancyShark
The final atrocity is going to be "This Book"
Velo-ing
Why did they choke on poop
FancyShark
Filtration system backup
Velo-ing
Why was anything designed where that could happen
Brendan!™
Filters got clogged.
Velo-ing
Why were they being fed solids in the first place
This is all horrible
gellaho
Good news: Bob is approaching expiry
FancyShark
Everyone knows a tube child still teeths, Velo
Velo-ing
Oh good
FancyShark
They scream into a liquid void, but it still happens
gellaho
Not clear on why he doesn't age, but sure
FancyShark
Adding "forced obsolescence" onto the list
gellaho
Ol numbnuts
FancyShark
Excuse me, Maddy. Numbnuts prefers to be addressed as Deez
Velo-ing
heymaddyshutthefuckup
gellaho
That's not horrifying at all
gellaho
Now it's horrifying
FancyShark
"Then they start screaming as their pores open up wide enough to expel all of their internal organs and fluids. It's nothing special."
FancyShark
:shockshark:
Velo-ing
Weeks?
FancyShark
WEEKS!
Velo-ing
Maybe kill Foster real quick
FancyShark
This is the mentality that gets your daycare center on the news
gellaho
Very specific location
Velo-ing
...
So
Baltimore is a city
Entirely
It's not part of a county, there are no woods
FancyShark
The mutants reseeded the trees
It's quite lovely now
gellaho
That's probably fine
Velo-ing
It is phyiscally impossible to be in Baltimore and not be in the city
FancyShark
Still drunk on the high of battle, the soldiers prepare to deal with groupies
gellaho
Got a weird little printing mistake here
Velo-ing
Making books is hard
gellaho
This is probably still fine
Velo-ing
It took three minutes to confirm there were no Baltimore woods in 1957 either
gellaho
OK, maybe not as fine
FancyShark
Bob started a suicide cult because someone didn't feel like programming an extra variable
Velo-ing
these fuckers are in a park
gellaho
And now they think Bob is the second coming of Christ
FancyShark
lol
Velo-ing
Liam how did you think this was going to go
gellaho
Alex Scarrow is now engaging in some sacrilege, might as well I suppose
Velo-ing
First cool thing he's done
FancyShark
Bob, now is a really good time to explain how innocent people must never be sacrificed and how people must never discriminate against- oh, you left
gellaho
If you're like 13
Which would be the first time he's considered his target audience, I guess
Time for soup
FancyShark
How do you follow up people in tubes drowning in feces? Soup!
Velo-ing
Non-feces soup!
gellaho
That's your fault, dickhead
Velo-ing
This soup has 0 feces
FancyShark
You can't be sure of that!
Brendan!™
Are You There, Bob? It's Me, PFC Margaret
Velo-ing
This book would be so much more interesting if Liam died
And Bob had to figure all this out on his own
FancyShark
Calling it now: the Church of Bob becomes a new form of Templar and they grow to the point they obliterate the Neo Nazis
VernoWhitney
Liam, the boy whose specific name Bob shouted at dozens of camps? Why would he have died?
Velo-ing
Your heart's in the right place but you're forgetting that this book sucks. I predict we will never bring this up again after 2 chapters
gellaho
Bob tells Liam of his impending brain death
FancyShark
Of Mice and Men if Lenny could see the future
Velo-ing
12
"As long as none of my clones have drowned in shit for some reason"
gellaho
That little nub is working overtime
Velo-ing
"And why would that happen, why would they even be capable of that, why wouldn't they have tubes that removed liquid waste, that would just be silly."
FancyShark
"Tell me...O'Connor...what is...kiss?"
gellaho
I have seen very few evidence of these mental faculties
Velo-ing
"I know now, why you whine."
Brendan!™
When Bob's computer melts down do you think the little nub will remain aware of what it once was as it takes weeks to die?
gellaho
BEEP boop, tachyons in my spider web
Velo-ing
"Bob has learned to lie" is the message the author is trying to convey herre
FancyShark
Hell yeah, getting some lat measurements
Velo-ing
Fuck yeah measure those lats
gellaho
Tally up another
Velo-ing
13
oh that's an unlucky Jayzus number
FancyShark
Send Bob. Liam can walk
gellaho
Your weak, unmuscular body must go
Velo-ing
I can't think of anyone you should send less than Liam
Send the soup cook
Send the soup
Brendan!™
I wish...I were a sentimental fool like you, Liam McIrish.
FancyShark
Half the prison's population is currently soup. You could technically send a whole platoon back
gellaho
And Bob tells Liam that he will have to crack open his skull to get his computer storage
Velo-ing
Chuck em through the time hole until it closes
Zerg rush Time
FancyShark
oh good
Brendan!™
If you dehydrate them before sending them back you can actually fit them 5:1.
gellaho
Or decapitate him, either way
FancyShark
So now Liam is going to be the Devil of Bob's religion because he stole Bob's brain
Brendan!™
It makes so much more sense for Bob to safely return and then just go back to pick up Liam later.
FancyShark
Icky stuff
Velo-ing
What a fucking wild two days it's been for Bob's group of hardened veterans
gellaho
This is a great book for children
Velo-ing
14
Brendan!™
Are yeh pukin' then
Velo-ing
Bob you're a robot
FancyShark
"I have only an icepick, Liam Potato Farmer. You must work through the night."
Velo-ing
Just rip the damn thing off yourself
VernoWhitney
Hurry up, the portal is back in DC.
gellaho
Definitely a couple of paragraphs I'd expect it a young adult novel
Velo-ing
It's a coming of age story
gellaho
Let's get lynching in here too
FancyShark
You're not a real man until you've cleaved off your toddler dad's head
Velo-ing
Is this secretly written by Todd McFarlane
Brendan!™
How can you become a man if you don't kill your Bobfather?
gellaho
What a great chapter
gellaho
Definitely needed to be separated into its own thing
Velo-ing
I don't see a Jayzus or a Dr Pepper in there, making the whole chapter worthless
gellaho
Time to catch up with Sal's fear.
Velo-ing
Oh hi Sal
gellaho
Foster considers murder-suicide
gellaho
Kids love it!
VernoWhitney
Beats choking on poop.
Velo-ing
ARE WE HAVING FUN, KIDS?
gellaho
With a shotgun, nonetheless
But, nevermind that, time to catch up with Fuhrer Kramer's descent into madness
gellaho
The Fuhrer did not have the warmth and kindness he'd grown accustomed to
FancyShark
The words "Fuhrer" and "splayed" do not belong on the same page
gellaho
Damn, now I'm going to have to shut down my magazine
Cage = time machine, got it
gellaho
Put the nuke in the time machine
FancyShark
Hell yeah, beer bomb
Velo-ing
BOMB THE PAST
Nuke hitler right in the dick
gellaho
The time spectres really got to Kramer
FancyShark
Kramer really lost it after the Muffin Top Shop went under
Velo-ing
We all did
gellaho
"Hell has our scent now," said the children's book
Velo-ing
It was a dark time
FancyShark
Fucking awesome line
Velo-ing
It's Liam, isn't it? He saw Liam.
gellaho
Stone Temple Pilots' follow up to "Sex Type Thing" was not nearly as successful
FancyShark
"The alternative is a future that allows Young Sheldon to exist"
Velo-ing
"Fuck, in that case where's the detonator?"
gellaho
This is a great adventure
Velo-ing
Maybe kill Kramer
gellaho
Then he executes Karl, fun!
Velo-ing
See that's why you need to kill Kramer
FancyShark
"You could have put down a tarp"
Brendan!™
Now, Oberleutnant, kill yourself, for you also know this secret.
gellaho
Meanwhile, Liam continues to manipulate the faith of those recently freed from concentration camps
Velo-ing
Bring in a new Oberleutnant to kill the Oberleutnant, then another Oberleutnant to kill that Oberleutnant, etc.
FancyShark
Because the Old Testament is where the level-headed prophets were
gellaho
Oh, is that the problem Liam? That it's embarrassing?
gellaho
I'm going to tell Moses you said that
This fucking book
FancyShark
This won't end badly
gellaho
"Well, I've completely abused your religion and stole your messiah. The good news is that your existence will end soon, hopefully!"
gellaho
"OK, bye!"
Yeah, pretty fucked up that you did that Liam
gellaho
And, as far as I can tell, for no reason
Velo-ing
Yeah didn't need to do that at all
Absolutely no advantage
Brendan!™
Even the book can't believe this is the book's solution.
Velo-ing
Honestly maybe should have taken them with you to help get to DC?
I mean Baltimore isn't far from DC but you're in a part of Baltimore that hasn't existed since the 1700s so who knows what your geography is like
FancyShark
Kramer thinks he saw the devil and Liam is on every celestial monitor while the angels go "this fucking guy"
VernoWhitney
They might not have been on board with the beheading.