gellaho
What are friend
115: Time Riders Alex Scarrow
#1 Time Riders
Tags:
Mess around with time, and the world you know... could become a world you don't
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FancyShark
"Don't make this weird, Liam"
Velo-ing
"There are two people on my team. You are half of them. It was very easy math."
gellaho
What a beautiful moment
Velo-ing
15
FancyShark
"I hate you, Liam"
Velo-ing
"God your smile is ugly, Bob."
"Never do that again. It's just gross."
gellaho
Looking like that diesel wasn't good enough
FancyShark
Somehow even more tube children die from this power issue
gellaho
Alex Scarrow, young adult novelist
Velo-ing
"I will now feed you through the hole like spaghetti."
Velo-ing
FancyShark
"Wait, I do feel pain. Oh god. OH GOD. I FEEL SO MUCH PA-"
[slumps over]
gellaho
How many pictures of him are there at that event
Velo-ing
I've lost count
gellaho
Well, another failure
FancyShark
Liam: The only man who was probably better off in a prison camp
Velo-ing
"That's alright Liam I- Liam? Liam what's wrong? Liam why are you choking on feces?"
gellaho
The three in the future consider living in the apocalypse
gellaho
Because I guess they forgot about the rest of the diesel
FancyShark
I don't think lack of coffee immediately turns one into a mutant
Velo-ing
Maybe turn that light off to conserve energy? Just an idea
gellaho
So many meat robots
Velo-ing
they start opening portals to send dead meat robots back to Liam
just pelting him with little corpses
gellaho
Road trip!
Brendan!™
Just mail some gasoline to MORLOCK BUNKER, New York, NY 10001
Velo-ing
This is a good 'oh' moment because that is such a stupid idea I didn't think of it
gellaho
Weeks worth of days
FancyShark
She missed when Liam was the dead weight
gellaho
They shared so many 9/11s together
Experienced all that human death and pain
Ah, memories
Anyway, Maddy manages to have the exact same thought as Liam
gellaho
gellaho
Quite the coincidence
Remember that guest book from 200 pages ago? That was an important plot point
Velo-ing
No and no
FancyShark
Liam and Bob reach the book only to discover neither of them have a pen
gellaho
TimeRiders! Completely unsuccessful TimeRiders!
VernoWhitney
TimeRiders! (TM)
gellaho
Some kind of giant gorilla, could you even imagine?
FancyShark
But! To the public, we shall be TimeForce!
Velo-ing
Foster grins, aware he still has those three cartridges in the shotgun in case this goes wrong
Brendan!™
Every week of this day has been a year of trauma-bonding.
gellaho
I wonder if he's seen Star Trek
Velo-ing
When. When did Foster say that? When did Foster say "This building was in the movie King Kong, a film you will have no context for and I, a man from the future, will have no reason to consider important."
gellaho
A bunch of Time Gladiators in the TimeWars
It's been a year of Time in the Book Cage
Velo-ing
Time Year
gellaho
Karate chop
FancyShark
Eat the bodies
gellaho
Let's get some Captain America in here, too
FancyShark
Not since Rob Liefeld as Cap been so egregiously misused
gellaho
Oh, boy
gellaho
Get fucked, Pharoah
Ah, and now it's all getting burned
Brendan!™
Couldn't they just...map history better than a museum could?
gellaho
Meanwhile, the mutants are back
Velo-ing
Oh shit the girls know
Brendan!™
I will kill us all, but only after killing a meaningless number of them.
gellaho
I'm not really clear why they're burning the ancient history stuff. They're really just trying to whitewash their takeover of America
FancyShark
Spring cleaning
gellaho
But destroy all history to do that. Which is a lot of extra work
Including the dinosaurs
FancyShark
Ah. Creationists.
gellaho
Let's really establish how afraid this 13 year old is
FancyShark
See, phobics? Just move quickly and the fear can't catch you
gellaho
This guy is having a great time
gellaho
Least believable German accent
gellaho
Is he rolling his Rs? Did he confuse German with Spanish?
Velo-ing
Does the author know the difference
gellaho
Liam recognizes the museum employee from 2001, in 1957
gellaho
Well, I know the contempt the British have for continental Europe
FancyShark
The museum has an amazing benefits program or this guy had the saddest life
Velo-ing
He's got priors. Bad priors.
gellaho
And that's all it takes for Liam to tell this guy he's from the future
Velo-ing
Liam don't do that, this guy ate an orphanage
FancyShark
Not the occupants. The actual orphanage
gellaho
Sam Penney, of the JC dynasty
FancyShark
Liam taking on a lot of responsibility after a lifetime of failure
Velo-ing
Liam no, Sam isn't allowed within eight miles of a dairy. Legally, Liam.
gellaho
Like the sarcophagus of a burning pharaoh
FancyShark
They have a lot of work to do if they're going to stop time nazis by the end of the book
gellaho
I would like to come home now, please
FancyShark
Pwease save ush
hahaha, everyone took the time to record their misery before the museum collapsed. It's a Fallout game
gellaho
Mushroom cloud is a very particular thing, Alex
Brendan!™
Please get me out of this nightmare and deliver me safely into the ashes of 9/11.
gellaho
You know, the kid's game
Velo-ing
Kids love Fallout
gellaho
I think that's the start of a Michael Richards bit
Velo-ing
Bob is a little too good at pretending to be a Nazi
Maybe crack his skull open
gellaho
Hey, Liam? You've literally seen massacres. Let's not cry about the paintings while you are trying to save the world
Velo-ing
It's like Equilibrium but for real this time
gellaho
You've seen much worse, and have much bigger problems
Velo-ing
I miss 9/11
gellaho
Meanwhile, in the future, they're getting surrounded by mutant cannibals
Brendan!™
He likes living at 9/11 because it's the plumes of smoke of history being MADE.
Velo-ing
Foster just making up excuses to save ammo so he can kill the girls and himself is kind of the darkest part of this book
So far
gellaho
This is probably fine
Velo-ing
Don't go into Central Park you fuck it's a mile of open space where you can be easily tracked
And one castle
Go to the castle
No one ever goes to the castle
gellaho
There's only one word for gun, right?
FancyShark
"Litigation"
gellaho
Great image for the kids
Velo-ing
Honestly I'm just happy the mutants aren't also offensive stereotypes
gellaho
Well, they've probably lost the mutants. Time to go over the bridge. What could go wrong?
Velo-ing
"Och, I dinnarry remember the word 'gun'." Drawled the mutant, its prodigious forehead slick with sweat despite the temperatate climate
gellaho
Ah
FancyShark
"Well, we tried our best."
Velo-ing
"Oh no, bagpipes!"
Brendan!™
Rend the 13-year-old, it's fine, she'll respawn when we return to save point.
gellaho
It's going great
FancyShark
He couldn't fire or he'd hit Sal, which was supposed to only happen on the second-to-last shot
Velo-ing
He is the second worst Joel
gellaho
I mean, it's probably going to be fine, right?
Let's see, ah, Foster fires
Brendan!™
They're pulling her through the grating wire in realtime.
gellaho
That probably scared them off, though, right?
Ah, nope. There she goes
gellaho
And Foster forces Maddy to leave Sal behind
FancyShark
It's been all over for everyone, asshole
gellaho
And, spoiler alert, they do not ever try to save her
She's fucking dead
FancyShark
Holy SHIT
HOLY SHIT
gellaho
He spen t several hundred pages building up Sal's fear, just to kill heer in the most brutal way imaginable. Torn apart and eaten alive
She's thirteen
FancyShark
jesus fucking christ
Fuck you, book
Velo-ing
Is she the Dr Pepper one?
gellaho
No, that's Maddy
Velo-ing
That's fine then
FancyShark
lol
gellaho
Sal is the Indian goth
FancyShark
was
gellaho
British guy wrote that for the Indian girl
That's not weird, right?
FancyShark
No, of course not. Nothing to read into that
Velo-ing
Foster is now the worst Joel
It takes a lot to beat Joel as the worst Joel
FancyShark
TBF, Joel let the whole world die to save someone who was trying to save it. Foster is second-worst Joel and first-worst everything else
Velo-ing
Good point, Joel is back in first
gellaho
So now, Liam's departure point is in a Chinese Laundromat
Brendan!™
Liam plays his one "I'm a Nazi" card.
Velo-ing
Oh they mentioned that place!
Earlier! It was foreshadowing! Possibly!
gellaho
Which allows Alex Scarrow to make some dialog choices in 2010
Velo-ing
Crime
FancyShark
It's going on the list
Velo-ing
Is Sal on the list
FancyShark
Absolutely
Velo-ing
God it would be so easy to save Sal
FancyShark
Time travel? Pfft. Fuck that. She stays dead
But the nazis will still get to exist
Brendan!™
Can they send Bob a message telling him to write a warning in the notebook that says "PS don't walk into the cannibal trap?"
Velo-ing
Actually she should be saved
gellaho
Bob immediately threatens the guy
Velo-ing
Assuming they manage to stop the nazis from winning
Brendan!™
Our heroes.
Velo-ing
She should just pop back into existence
FancyShark
Bob not even hiding the Terminator references now
Velo-ing
Scarrow has been waiting the whole book for this line
gellaho
Such a human gesture
Velo-ing
"I know now, why you sad." Scarrow typed, furiously erect
FancyShark
I got a gesture for ya, Scarrow
gellaho
Foster is thrilled that the generator is still running. Sal who?
FancyShark
This is the most brutal kids series since Animorphs
gellaho
Well, that would be convenient
FancyShark
Fuck you, Scarrow. You don't get to "wibbly wobbly timey wimey" your way out of this
Brendan!™
We need to go back to the dawn of humanity and sure evolution ensures all otaku get hot waifu for an unending age of peace!
gellaho
It's probably fine
gellaho
Oh, oopsie, here are the cannibals
FancyShark
You can't bear to think what, Maddy? That she was ripped apart and devoured in her own personal hell while you watched?
gellaho
She tried to do something
Brendan!™
On the bright side, you won't lose a night's sleep over it!
gellaho
But, she didn't have the gun and there were hundreds of them
It's a fun story
Anyway, here they come
FancyShark
Now he's ripping off Aliens
Or Kool-Aid
gellaho
Wheeeeeeeeeeee
FancyShark
It just occurred to Foster he may have not planned this very well
Velo-ing
It just occurred to Foster that there is a back room
gellaho
Ah, now he's going to make her do the murder-suicide
Velo-ing
It just occurred to Foster that he didn't lock the doors
FancyShark
"Aw, you're so considerate!" the young woman said to Sca- I mean, Foster
Velo-ing
Foster is the dumbest fuck to ever dumbfuck
gellaho
Very exciting
FancyShark
Error 404
Velo-ing
God damn it it was 502.53.198.72 not 503.52.198.72
Hold on Maddy have to backspace this
FancyShark
Foster's last words "lol, rekt"
Velo-ing
This whole line
gellaho
Adorable
FancyShark
We. ARE. Bob.
Velo-ing
Fuck that scene man
Every time
gellaho
Out of the frying pan and into the fire
Velo-ing
Oh hey remember how Hitler2 saw that horrible bloody disgusting mess in the snow that haunted his dreams?
I just figured out what that was
gellaho
BOB SMASH
FancyShark
The collective intelligence of the room just went lateral
Velo-ing
Bob has like five minutes left
FancyShark
He's going out hard
gellaho
Liam accidentally shoots Bob
FancyShark
bahahaha
Velo-ing
16
Also I'm pretty sure that's from T2
gellaho
It's a great time
FancyShark
"It's a bad scene, man"
Velo-ing
"What the fuck do you think is happening you half drowned moron?"
gellaho
So, funny story
Velo-ing
Ahahahah
FancyShark
Oopsie
Velo-ing
"Why is Bob dressed like a Nazi?"
"We can all ask uncomfortable questions here Liam"
gellaho
Kramer might finally set off the bomb that ended the world 100 pages ago
Velo-ing
Another dead Sal
FancyShark
The bomb has an adorable face and wants hugs
Velo-ing
Save the bomb
gellaho
Aw, Kramer's dark passenger returned in time for Armageddon
FancyShark
Foster is going to be in so much trouble when he files his report
Velo-ing
Yaaaay dead friends
Foster isn't filing shit
gellaho
Excellent work as always, Alex
Velo-ing
Foster is killing these kids and burying their bodies in the Mesozoic era
gellaho
So proud
FancyShark
"Give yourself a star"
Velo-ing
"Sal was carrying the stars."
FancyShark
"Dammit"
Velo-ing
"She liked them, because they were shiny and she was a child."
gellaho
The implications of "We can only hope" is so fucking horrifying
FancyShark
Fuuuuuuuuck
gellaho
In this book for children
Or, as I said the first time I read this
FancyShark
This book can eat all the shit. It can suffocate on- WAIT, THAT'S HOW IT HAPPENED
gellaho
That Hitler fella
Velo-ing
"We're going to need a 747."
gellaho
Hundreds of books
FancyShark
Kramer is Bigfoot
gellaho
Execute him, 16 year old
Velo-ing
"Also Bob is dead."
Brendan!™
They had to invent Bob to make any of this plot advance.
Velo-ing
"He died while I was explaining this."
"Liam here is a machine gun I have been saving for just such an occasion. I nicknamed it the Sal Saver."
gellaho
"You might become a rock monster, but don't worry about that"
FancyShark
"The Sal-vation, if you will"
gellaho
Why isn't the water a problem? Don't worry about that either
Hope they bring Hitler something for his birthday, it's only five days away
FancyShark
Dry time is the worst time
Liam is going to bump into Tom Cruise wearing an eyepatch
gellaho
"Plan B is you live in Nazi Germany and we kill ourselves, OK?"
Brendan!™
Liam is no-lubing the timestream
FancyShark
Timechafe is no joke
Brendan!™
Wait, so the new plan is just for Bob to detonate.
or then come back?
FancyShark
Also, six months? Did they get their Bob refreshed?
Brendan!™
Because he could just return the instant he left.
gellaho
The timer is when he's on a mission in the past
When he comes back it resets until he goes back
The timer is so people in the past don't have access to his technology.
FancyShark
huh
That's sort of clever
Velo-ing
This fucking book
gellaho
"Oh, you, always wearing bloody Nazi regalia"
Brendan!™
How we laughed at Bob's whimsies.
gellaho
"A rim of moisture" is definitely how a human describes tears
Anyway, off to Hitler
gellaho
Tally it up
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Alright assholes, how many 9/11 are we done now
FancyShark
Sal, the 13-year-old, was devoured by cannibal mutants
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Hahahaha
That's so mean
Velo-ing
While screaming
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Why would the author do that to her!
Velo-ing
Possibly devoured
Hopefully devoured
gellaho
A bunch of half-formed clones died choking on their own shit. It's been fun
Velo-ing
17
FancyShark
She was terrified of tunnels and enclosed spaces. She died being dragged into a tunnel by swarms of monsters
Velo-ing
And thanks for mentioning it, I was distracted looking up how many pages are in this fucking book
It's a lot
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
THIS IS A CHILDREN'S BOOK
FancyShark
RIGHT!?
gellaho
They arrived just in time for Kramer. What a coincidence
Velo-ing
This is the Bingo of children's books
CHOKE HIM WITH FECES
gellaho
There was a concentration camp massacre
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
I was there for that. No different from the Holocaust books I had to read as a teen. Granted, those weren't marketed as thrilling sci-fi adventures
FancyShark
Atrocimeter Update:
Total Active Atrocities:
-Titanic - 1517 dead
-Foster's last team - 3 dead
-9/11 - 2996 times infinity
-Accidents with tube children - ~150
-Tomas and Ethan teleporter accident - 2
-Mocking the disabled - 1
-Toying with a dying child - 1
-Mocking the Irish dead - 2
-Timetravel kills the traveler - 5+ (non-nazi victims only)
-Shrek - 1
-Sal hates the Final Countdown - 1
-Fuckin' Nazi Party - 1
-No cellphones - 3
-Corpse robbing for clothes - 2
-Nazi web page - 1
-White house marines - ~150
-The US military - 11,648,775
-Presidential cabinet - 26
-NYC to the camps (1956) - 7,781,984
-The world (2001) - 6,226,000,000
-NYC into mutants (1956) - 2,334,595
-Cannibal mutants - 2,334,594
-Shelling prison camp to rescue prisoners - JFC. Maybe 150
-Executing prisoners out of spite - Holy shit. Also, I dunno, 50?
-Power outage shutdown spare tube children and they choked to death on their own feces - 450
-Dehumanizing the tube children after they died - 450
-Force obsolescence of tube children via brain atrophy leading to starvation - 601
-Torching historical relics - No casualties, but dick move
-Sal devoured alive by mutants and they never even try to save her - 1
-Pidgin English laundry owner - 1
-All life wiped out by time nuke - 11 billion humans?
Time Out
-JFK Assassination - 2