#7 Time Wars
The Book Cage: Episode 117 - Time Wars #7: The Argonaut Affair
Simon Hawke has killed his main character and his main character's time clone. Now, he is free to pull whatever insane shit he wants. So fuck it, it's time for Greek mythology! Time is an abstract concept, you can make it whatever you want it to be! Don't let anyone tell you different, kid! Bring your mech Colossus, this Friday 5pm Eastern.
Coming up on the hour it's Time Wars #7: The Argonaut Affair. Here is your preview
Harpies are not Furies, Jason. Read a damn book.
Alas
They aren't demons either
People need to learn to leave the foul mouthed sky queens alone.
I've been reading that as "The Acrobat Affair" for days
BOOK CAGE! LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOO!
If, you know, you're ready
Time (get it, time? Alright) to begin the process
Hi, @gellaho !
hah! Time
Hi, @Velo !
Legitimately one of my favorite book covers
Woooo
Hi, @P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs !
It's badass
Appropriately the artist is given the dedication
Thanks Dave
"You were very Mattingly"
Or, not. Weird to dedicate the book to a different cover artist
huh
"Thank you, Not Jim Gurney"
Wait I thought mattingly was a baseball player
The back page says "Fuck you, Jim Gurney."
Hi, @GDC's Quivering Thews !
Simon's letting you know what we're getting into immediately
Fuckin' MOTARO
He's saying I'm at book 7,fuck you
SHOOT IT
IT CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO LIVE
Let's at least see if it's fuckable
He's one sexy horse man
SHOOT FIRST
Its a centaur, of course its fuckable.
Okay now we know it is fuckable
Hmm. Eighteen hands
Hi, @FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning !
I love how just because its a centaur they switch to old timey horse measuring units.
✅ Redhead
That's 6' tall
So a little horsey-man
Andre stop eye fucking the centaur
"....no"
Finn wants to fuck the centaur already.
does he have man nipples as well as horse nipples?
Sobers up instantly when seeing it.
I'm seeing double, four lungs!
Inquisitve minds want to know!
Answer us, Simon!
I think I can inferr the answer from this
"It is an abomination. Its metabolism is devouring it even as we speak."
Although the digestive system has got to be a mess
Someone made a horse-human-centipede
Simon cmon. Centaurs dont live that long, you need to consult your Monster Manual again.
First thing's first, wipe that brain post haste
I'm late. HAWKE ME
"Hey what happens if he breaks a leg?"
Hi, @Brendan!™ ! We have a centaur!
CENTAUR! IS! FUCKABLE!
"Glue factory"
The surgical shotgun is still in the autoclave
And can have mind things done to it without harm
(unrelated)
All veterinarians speak classical Greek
"It keeps correcting my damn grammar!"
"It's going to make the hamburger phase of this experiment very awkward"
If you GIF query Motaro all you get is Shao Khan and Goro
Cowards
Also, wipe the veterinarian too. 'Cause fuck 'im
"In a sense.......its even human!" yeah thats what the man parts mean. Duh.
Fuck! That! Vet!
oh different fuck 'im
In a few books, we'll find out the Mind Wipe Blaster is just a glock
"But fuck that centaur's rights from the getgo, amiright?"
So it slumps like a man sleeping standing up but sleeps like a horse and therefore, evolutionary spine?
"Anyone who wants a go with the centaur... you gotta talk him into it, then we mind wipe you both after"
Meanwhile, Phoenix shoots up the roof of the UN
"Ignore this paragraph, I talked myself out of it"
Steiger was the most legendary treasurer of all
He did a Vooster.
gun > democracy
"First thing I want to get off my mind: Blammo!"
Creed Steiger, Insurrectionist
Birbman
This is a world where everyone is Daniel Day Lewis.
"Flaxan hair" was all the council could talk about
He really can do anything
Although John Wilkes Booth might be the more apt comparison at this moment.
Now that I've threatened you, let me elaborate on how much you suck
D-d-DAD?
You don't need to define bullets, Simon
"MAKE BOOM BOOM BOOM IN TALKY MANS ROOM"
TIME MILITARY COUP!
It'd be awesome if he was in the wrong meeting
Temporal Torsion is always painful
What did I do?
I'm glad he defined bullets, I get confused
Something awesome.
I'm not allowed to have a gun, as
Fired three rounds into the ceiling to shut the nerds up
Ah. That's good
Neither of the helixes in a double helix meet, though
Still making dinner brb
Is he gonna leave out the part that theyve been nuking this other timeline on the regular?
Just a barrage of technobabble. Chronophysical, though? A+
I hope its tasty!
"Dumb it down for us more, Steiger"
"We are locked in a romantic dance with the mirror dimension"
"No, we are trying to get the centaur mines running efficiently"
Fuck is chronophysical going into my normal lexicon now? Good job Hawke.
Mhm. Right. So is this about the pocket nukes?
The ones from Dr. Darkness?
that shunt nuclears explosions into alternate dimensions
oh
"power, erotic rivers"
That explains the centaurs doesn't it
No it doesn't!
Steiger may have been the wrong guy to send
Get out of the classroom!
Steed Creiger: Centaur Insurrectionist
"Okay just dont commit any genocide.............oh you already did. Carry on."
Oh my goodness I forgot about the book cage. Gonna have to catch up
It's possible constantly living as different people and constantly getting someone else's face may not be good for somneone's mental stability
Hi, @Tom Owns Diebel's Grave !
Nah Steiger's fine
Possibly the best
We're all team Steiger here
It's a chicken ceaser salad
He yelled at politicians, he has to be the good guy
Just visiting the parallel universe a bunch of times will solve the problem, sure
So there is a centaur and a soldier voostering at a senator. Am I caught up?
Yep!
You're so good at catching up
Solution: murder a universe
"Iw was coming right at us!"
Oh cool, General "Unable to Stab My Time Bastard Son" Forrester is in charge.
"We have to kill the centaur universe."
I'd have a hard time believing anything the guy who disrupted his atomic structure on accident says
Fuck him put Steiger in charge
"I'm inclined to listen to him, but I won't."
Is this book going to crossover into the infinite 9/11 teen book?
"For the last time, leave the classroom!"
I am going to make this bit land, dammit
Yeah dont listen to the eggheads, General, make the situation worse.
RIP
"I will not leave the classroom it is almost snack time."
Thats not at all exactly what your boy Stiegler was yelling about at the politicians or anything.
"Centaur snack time"
"DAMMIT"
I forgot the infinite 9/11 teen book
I can't
You'll have plenty of opportunities to remember
That feels like a threat
Its more of a promise.
Oh, Steiger's in charge. That'll go well
Threats are something you dont intend to carry out.
Yay Steiger!
"Rest In Peace, Guy Who Was The Hero Until More Interesting People Arrived"
Who the fuck was Priest?
It's not like there are more books in the series or anything
DAMMIT
He got his face melted one time! I cant believe you forgot his heroic face melting!
wow ok so the heroes are now planning to sabotage an entire alternate universe?
Who?
What?
I'm not doing a bit, is Priest a character that's been mentioned before?
lol
Yes
yeah he died in the last book
I forget how
He was the guy who got his face melted off, like Flippant said
He got shot by his time clone
Like water off a duck's back
Technically does that count as suicide?
Then the time clone got stabbed in the back by Delaney while looking at Andre, who he was married to in that timeline
Dr. Darkness has infinite mass and he's very sensitive about it.
For Time Insurance reasons, yes
No. Stop asking dumb questions
Goddamn it Velo. You have to do the paperwork now
Laser scan the centaur
Hell yeah now they can 3d print more centaurs!
I can't wait to learn the really good explanation for why there is a centaur
"1"
Dispassionately? FUCK YEAH!
TIME TRAVEL!
Exploits of semen
Fuck these doctors, get Steiger in here
He'll save us from this monster
Chiron is the actual name of the computer I'm using rn
Oh, he's not just a centaur, he's THE centaur
Incorrect, these fictional characters are actually fictional
"It's obviously fiction. Everyone knows the Greeks were merpeople"
I told you, Simon has gotten bored and changed the entire premise
Not anymore! TIME TRAVEL!
I WANNA WRITE ABOUT ANCIENT GREECE DAMMIT
Xerox's Paradon
"someone might have made this bit land, but not me," said the author. No one laughed at that either.
This is just the natural consequence of time travel, you make fucking centaurs real.
...
also real: centaur fucking
"Phrasing"
Okay, fine, Velo. You can stay in the classroom
It can be both.
It was deliberate.
Wait, crap, I forgot
You can do whatever you want with a consenting centaur.
Hi, @Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster !
Surprise I never left! I've been here behind the building blocks all along
?! I've been here
They speculate that centaurs may be real in the parallel timeline
Centaurs are sapient and can give consent, its 100% okay to fuck them.
Probably from all the fallout from the many many nukes
I forgot to say hi. The time stream is disrupted!
I don't like that these very clinical, official time travel police guys keep using "before the time of Christ" as a reference point
Jesus Christ: Master of Time
just say B.C.E
wait
priest...
jesus...
You gotta have some reference point, might as well be the time of Christ.
time
I have an idea for the last book in this series
and I do mean last
This summer
It's JESUS TIME
I use "B.C." to refer to "before covid" IRL
BDP/ADP Before and After Dolly Parton
Dolly will never die tho.
there's that awkward undefined period from 9 to 5 tho
Psychics, sure
Year zero is when she was born
oh are they doing the 'alternate universe where myths come from' thing?
Boooooooo you cant have a calendar that makes logical sense and doesnt have a gap century!
They should just say "psychic craziness"
Wasn't there a kraken a few books ago
Is dracula in this series
But that was the segment where to book said "don;t worry, there is no plot"
Vooster has spoketh
Yes.
FUCK YES
Steal some wool, if you have the time
Next one
Fuck yes
But... They need it
The argonauts need the golden fleece
It's important
And I continue to face vampires every damn day 😔
Theyre from the other timeline, fuck em.
Give them a nuke to take back.
"Yeah, before we blow it up, take everything of value"
what did the golden fleece do?
"Especially cultural treasures"
It was there
Granted divine rizz.
Skipping the long summary of Jason
nooooo
The original McGuffin
Now i'll never learn
Symbol of authority in the OG text. Various magic shit in pop culture
Maybe Dennard can explain it to us sometime
they're going to replace it with a pyrite fleece
haha thanks shark, everyone else was too busy being hilarious
"My muscles are constantly relaxed, it makes moving very difficult"
No probl-
hey!
"I move like a worm."
Personally id have stolen the teeth that sprouted armed dudes, way better than sheeps wool.
The timeline must not be disturbed but let's time-heist. Also, centaurs are real.
Hey, I wanted to help! But I admit I didn't know the answer
If all of Greek Myth is real why don't they go snipe pandora?
Well Delaney, you don't get humor either
No being mean in the classroom!
It's an alternate timeline, all crimes are legal
the mission now is to super disrupt time
Because they want to fuck up that timeline where its real.