FancyShark
Get Medusa's head. Win every war until someone brings a reflective surface.
#7 Time Wars
Get Medusa's head. Win every war until someone brings a reflective surface.
Sounds like a good leader to me
they're trying to destroy an alternate universe by fucking up their canon
and their centaurs
Nuke those Greeks!
Sure, that's what people call that outfit
Unfortunately for the Time Cops, this is also the version of Greek mythology with a very pissed off Kratos
according to google this is a chiton:
Hawt
chiton is just "hard" or "armor", right?
makes sense
They got chlamys!
"No underwear, those were for uncivilized men"
A chiton (/ˈkaɪtɒn, ˈkaɪtən/; Ancient Greek: χιτών, romanized: chitṓn, IPA: [kʰitɔ̌ːn]) is a form of tunic that fastens at the shoulder, worn by men and women of ancient Greece and Rome.
"If your penis is aristocratic you dont NEED underwear!"
Clearly the common word people use
lol my baby just ran into the other room, grabbed the remote for the smart tv, and was one or two clicks away from accidentally buying The Marvels before I stopped him
your baby has terrible taste
Like at Chiton Parties. People chanting "CHITON! CHITON! CHITON!"
he likes what he likes, I try not to judge him
If timecops were real, they'd have a historical costuming department, and I think that's just wonderful
A toga is a different garment tho. You wear it over a tunic.
Chitons vs. Togas, classic B-ball teams
Timespace
Technically you could combine the two because a chiton is a kind of tunic.
omg I thought Star Trek innoculated me against technobabb;e
I was wrong
The map making technology of the future is amazing
"We've figured out what Greece is shaped like."
Finally!
Youd think theyd have invented a temporary satellite for GPS or something.
He just likes drawing
He's big a fan of figurin'
"Nothing is quite as authentic as a hand drawn map!"
Just thinking of Wild Bill's map
"I soaked this one in coffee so it looks like an ancient treasure map!"
This will be enough to deal with whatever they're going against, sure
I used to do this with D&D prop maps.
"Welp, they're dead. Time to prep the real team."
"Break out the guns"
Steiger's got this
Just taking a stroll through timespace
Steiger was already wearing sandals and no underwear
Nuke! Those! Greeks!
Just skip all that shit and give them a fuckin grenade launcher, fucking ZEUS IS REAL IN THIS TIMELINE!
And I guess the ancient ones too.
I'm gonna fight Zeus wearing a fetish suit.
Zeus approves
Your odds against zeus are much better if you go at him unarmed and naked
Those odds double if you're also aroused
Noooooooooo! Youve played into his hands! Hes turned into a golden shower now!
Triple if you're not into it
He'll still win, but you'll be pregnant instead of dead
Again, the teleportation tech is just as interesting as the time travel, and it's not addressed
Steiger immediately removes himself from responsibility
If you're not wearing head to toe rubber, you're going to lose that Zeus fight.
There had to be prep work for the team.
"Okay, just remember: Zeus is there somewhere. Do not fuck any swans."
Look we can talk about time or we can talk about space, we had to pick one
"Goddam politicians cant tell US what to do!"
Zeus taking the form of a beautiful woman to have sex with beautiful women.
It's not really technology, it's where the timelines intersect
the idea is that they aren't perfectly aligned
I guess it'd be weird if they were
They... did not plan a command structure
I hope that means that somewhere there's a Pleasantville 1950s timeline converging with a Terminator timeline
That could be what that movie's about
Symbiotracers, chronocircuitry. Simon, you are spoiling me
I remain team Steiger. Fuck this science, give me fiction.
There's no science, jus word salad
I don't know why he is trying
Magic!
You can't have techno without babble
Simon out here pointing out his own laziness
Simon Hawke discovers lampshading
Maybe its just nominative determinism, but I feel like you cant trust a guy named Dr. Darkness.
Steiger is a double secret agent
Possibly a triple secret agent
Much like a Professor Monster or Dr. Hell or what have you.
And even he doesn't know!
"The Prof. Monster who cured cancer?"
Couldn't possibly be genetic engineering
"Yeah. God, I hate him."
Haha, the centaur is a trap
"It's not like we're idiots who would fall for that, right?"
This is either clever foreshadowing or a waste of space
A reminder, these alternate timeline goobers have settled the galaxy and do, in fact, have better technology.
Have you, like, ever thought about it, maaaaaaaaaaaan?
"He was a Dick. Professor Dick Monster was his full name"
I think Andre's argument boils down to "if they have the technology to do this, they could have also beat us by doing something far less stupid" and I like that
Trap horse
Trademark Hawke Nysteel
Dr. Darkness is certainly a god, if you wanna start with this kind of thing.
Classic Greeks
Anybody can 4D print chronocircuits these days with a nysteel printer.
Classic trojans, really
Sleeenderrrr
Usually in this case you'd just reference that Clarke quote about sufficiently advanced technology and call it a day
Lotta words to say "Apollo."
"He look Greek!"
everyone in these books has a sharp nose
A twink has joined the party!
It's important that we know he's hot
10/10 fake Greek name, Delaney
"Also, recall the norms of the time, people"
Do you ever stop to think how whack it is that the #1 condom brand is named after that time some Trojans tricked their way inside a fortress and then busted out?
God damn it Delaney
we should put you back where you came from
Which was, I assume, the sea
As soon as he names himself Fabius a greek seagull dives at his face.
Legitimately the entire time I was debating whether to lose my viriginity.
No one ever noticed that Trojan condoms open up and kill everyone they find when you go to sleep because they get thrown out
So many dead soldiers in the trash
I guess the idea was like "This'll get you inside unchallenged?" The '20s were weird.
And its always good to blame Poseidon for it.
The Atalanta Falacons
*Falchions
"Your Honor, my client should not have to pay child support, because Poseidon has cursed his dick to break Trojan brand condoms."
Jason just devouring fish like a kodiak bear
"Ugggggggghhh Jason is clinggggy"
They managed to lock down the brand before people started to associate anything Ancient Greek with libertarians on Twitter
Jason oer here with an entire fish in his mouth
"Its why he calls it Odickeus."
Unfortunately, those weren't fish bones he spat out
300's biggest victory was turning Roman Guys into Spartan Guys
Delaney is not a fan
Like Latin's a fun language, but you see it in anyone's Twitter profile and he's going to spout a lot of dumbfuck thoughts about the Founding Fathers.
"Then he will see me in court"
Or try to cast a spell
Oh yeah, if they have a bust of a dead philosopher as an avatar you can gloss over their entire existence
And get really mad if you tell him that slavery ruined the economy of Rome and led to the fall of the western empire, or about all the butt stuff.
Or they get too into the butt stuff
"Just look at this idiot"
And, like, chill dude
wait sorry what's happening?
Hi, @Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island !
Greeks!
"Should we explain to him we have his teacher strapped to an autopsy table in the future?"
They are trying to destroy a universe by bumming around in Greek Mythology
"Also if Pelias doesnt see that I am right I plan to murder him."
Jason out here with the unearned confidence of a homeschooler
I made an AI portrait of Marcus Aurelius as a hipster and generated some ChatGPT tweets last year to see if he could take over Substack. I should try it again on X. Just become a demagogue, maybe convince the American right to eat radioactive pills, I dunno.
We have acquired one (1) ancient Greek twink
He was centaur-schooled
We will add him to the team
We will not ask his age, we don't want to get into that
Start with ionic silver, they already love that shit.
It didn;t matter then anyway...
I'm going to pretend this Jason is Pargin with amnesia
Gasp!
Quick, shoot him!
Do it
Honestly, it's work and I hate them
You dont have to listen to a random dude with one Birkenstock on if youre king tho.
Priests hate this man with ONE sandal!
ChatGPT is so banal you need to add spicy stoic takes.
First: Invent gun
The fact that he has one means that he is rich and busy
They must have really good sandals if nobody's ever broken one
They fear his wrath after he whupped them with a chancleta.
What prophecy?
THE prophecy
"Everything. From cold fusion to souffles"
The one from Jason and the Argonauts.
"Fear the boy with one sandal"?
Its not important, Pelias is a dickhead and hes going to Greek Hell.
"The hot boy with time traveller friends"
Weep for the foot-watchman
Greek Hell is Greek Heaven minus ambrosia.
"Beware the twink"
Also Dusa is there and she seems nice.
Thanks, Private Exposition
I love how much of Hawke's work is just him having consumed something else the week before.
Sounds like something a shade would say to trick me across the river Styx
Luckily he was a foot guy
He's so excited to show what he found at the library. It's endearing
economy of Iolchos ruined by having to craft an endless supply of sandals, Pelias loses the throne
you can't beat prophecy
I can't believe I was right
Bye, foot guy
"How are those ribs prepared?"
I read the passage twice. Anyone could lose a shoe, what type of prophecy is that?
"the soldier in charge of inspecting feet said," the author wrote unironically.
amazing
Like all prophecy, its a bullshit one.
It's the lowest paid position and thousands of people applied for the job
Long hours too.
Poor health coverage.
And on to the thing
This is just making me want to play Hades instead
"No, Andre. This is called 'watching another movie'."
Or you could just..........tell him no and to fuck off.
They are one dog short of a Wishbone book
At worst he becomes an Emperor Norton.
how is this pelias finding a loophole in the prophecy
They call it the pelia-hole
"What if they just had to follow an overconfident moron?" thought Simon. And he knew he had a hit
Its less a loophole and more "This was the plan all along, Mortals! Signed: The Gods."
That guy deserted his post so readily it's bonkers that he did so at the suggestion of a total stranger.
Jason is a shithead anywayyyyyyyyyy!
Like you either thought about it or you didn't. But you don't do it so cazh as an off-the-cuff suggestion.
Is Jason the woods boy?
I think I missed who Jason is
Yes, hes the twink they picked up.
yeah he just showed up
I was there when it happened!
Literally just walked into their camp.
That's how little I retain these books
Jason is the double-agent!
I've always liked how the myth of Jason and the Argonauts is the Greek equivalent of the Avengers and then all the really famous members leave after one or two stops
Off to the Oracle of Delphi, where they encounter... magic!?!?
So exactly like the Avengers
Meanwhile, the Trojan War is Endgame
And then the largely aimless odyssey is our current phase
fuck it all checks out
Look, Thor has shit to do. I know he's the most powerful, wait, that's Captain Marvel, she hasn't even been introduced yet
Anyways, fight this giant, IDK
Andre knows perfectly well whats going on but pretends like she thinks there might be a doubt about the technology/magic thing to fuck with the other two.
Phase 4 is 1981 through 2003 for the Avengers
And which Avenger got trapped on a boat for twenty years afterwards
Captain America
Nothing gets through a Trojan
And had a bunch of sex
Jack of Hearts
Captain America
Except deez nutz
Ant Man
They don't show it but
I mean
And then killed everyone who tried to have sex with his wife
Damn, the correct answer.
Still Cap
Okay, even more Ant Man
Odysseus was a freak
Anyway
They don't even understand their own technology, they probably think magic is real
Jason expects to get a boat for free
You know when his men were turned into pigs by Circe he ate at least one of them.
Silly Jason
That's going to cost you... currency of some type
possibly chickens
Many things did not occur to Jason
Olives.
Our air headed protag
"Oh...<chomp>...oh no! What have I...<chomp>...done?!"
Jason: Political fuckboi
"I will sell you one of my attendants"
Good
I was sick of smart protagonists
Oh, so he's Link
We're doing a Zelda, folks
jason has a great idea for a video game you guys. He just needs programmers and artists and testers and
But barrel-chested
He IS a twink
Adventure!
Stream of water getting a little too thirsty
A twink, and idiot, good at fighting, at the beck and call of royalty
Hi, @jakesy, aristocrat of crime !
Who the fuck is Fabius?
the time cops are using fake greek names
and when a stream of water breaks through the thatch roof and cascades down your back I hope you feel it
I can never follow all the names of the characters in these time wars books
A mysterious stranger approaches and immediately leaves
He's a Traitor Marine apothecary, he makes mutant dudes!
We always to time wars books on the days I have plans, I've hardly seen any of them
They're all operating under aliases and half of them are new because the last ones are dead
Oh he got the E-Z Bake Oven for Boys? The ones you make the creepy crawlies in?
And Simon switches up between first and last names as he gets bored
Ballpark, what are the chances Hesphaestus makes us a Steele?
Hell yeah that thing rules