117: Time Wars #7: The Argonaut Affair Simon Hawke

FancyShark

Get Medusa's head. Win every war until someone brings a reflective surface.

gellaho

Sounds like a good leader to me

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

they're trying to destroy an alternate universe by fucking up their canon

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

and their centaurs

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Nuke those Greeks!

gellaho

Sure, that's what people call that outfit

FancyShark

Unfortunately for the Time Cops, this is also the version of Greek mythology with a very pissed off Kratos

GDC's Quivering Thews

according to google this is a chiton:

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Hawt

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

chiton is just "hard" or "armor", right?

GDC's Quivering Thews

makes sense

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

They got chlamys!

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"No underwear, those were for uncivilized men"

FancyShark

A chiton (/ˈkaɪtɒn, ˈkaɪtən/; Ancient Greek: χιτών, romanized: chitṓn, IPA: [kʰitɔ̌ːn]) is a form of tunic that fastens at the shoulder, worn by men and women of ancient Greece and Rome.

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

"If your penis is aristocratic you dont NEED underwear!"

gellaho

Clearly the common word people use

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

lol my baby just ran into the other room, grabbed the remote for the smart tv, and was one or two clicks away from accidentally buying The Marvels before I stopped him

GDC's Quivering Thews

your baby has terrible taste

gellaho

Like at Chiton Parties. People chanting "CHITON! CHITON! CHITON!"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

he likes what he likes, I try not to judge him

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

If timecops were real, they'd have a historical costuming department, and I think that's just wonderful

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

A toga is a different garment tho. You wear it over a tunic.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Chitons vs. Togas, classic B-ball teams

gellaho

gellaho

Timespace

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Technically you could combine the two because a chiton is a kind of tunic.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

omg I thought Star Trek innoculated me against technobabb;e

I was wrong

gellaho

The map making technology of the future is amazing

Velo

"We've figured out what Greece is shaped like."

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Finally!

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Youd think theyd have invented a temporary satellite for GPS or something.

gellaho

He just likes drawing

Velo

He's big a fan of figurin'

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

"Nothing is quite as authentic as a hand drawn map!"

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Just thinking of Wild Bill's map

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

"I soaked this one in coffee so it looks like an ancient treasure map!"

gellaho

This will be enough to deal with whatever they're going against, sure

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

I used to do this with D&D prop maps.

FancyShark

"Welp, they're dead. Time to prep the real team."

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"Break out the guns"

Velo

Steiger's got this

gellaho

Just taking a stroll through timespace

Velo

Steiger was already wearing sandals and no underwear

Brendan!™

Nuke! Those! Greeks!

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Just skip all that shit and give them a fuckin grenade launcher, fucking ZEUS IS REAL IN THIS TIMELINE!

Brendan!™

And I guess the ancient ones too.

I'm gonna fight Zeus wearing a fetish suit.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Zeus approves

Velo

Your odds against zeus are much better if you go at him unarmed and naked

Those odds double if you're also aroused

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Noooooooooo! Youve played into his hands! Hes turned into a golden shower now!

FancyShark

Triple if you're not into it

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

He'll still win, but you'll be pregnant instead of dead

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Again, the teleportation tech is just as interesting as the time travel, and it's not addressed

gellaho

Steiger immediately removes himself from responsibility

Brendan!™

If you're not wearing head to toe rubber, you're going to lose that Zeus fight.

FancyShark

There had to be prep work for the team.

"Okay, just remember: Zeus is there somewhere. Do not fuck any swans."

Velo

Look we can talk about time or we can talk about space, we had to pick one

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

"Goddam politicians cant tell US what to do!"

Brendan!™

Zeus taking the form of a beautiful woman to have sex with beautiful women.

gellaho

It's not really technology, it's where the timelines intersect

the idea is that they aren't perfectly aligned

I guess it'd be weird if they were

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

They... did not plan a command structure

FancyShark

I hope that means that somewhere there's a Pleasantville 1950s timeline converging with a Terminator timeline

gellaho

That could be what that movie's about

Symbiotracers, chronocircuitry. Simon, you are spoiling me

Velo

I remain team Steiger. Fuck this science, give me fiction.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

There's no science, jus word salad

I don't know why he is trying

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Magic!

FancyShark

You can't have techno without babble

gellaho

Simon out here pointing out his own laziness

gellaho

FancyShark

Simon Hawke discovers lampshading

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Maybe its just nominative determinism, but I feel like you cant trust a guy named Dr. Darkness.

Velo

Steiger is a double secret agent

Possibly a triple secret agent

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Much like a Professor Monster or Dr. Hell or what have you.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

And even he doesn't know!

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"The Prof. Monster who cured cancer?"

gellaho

Couldn't possibly be genetic engineering

FancyShark

"Yeah. God, I hate him."

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Haha, the centaur is a trap

FancyShark

"It's not like we're idiots who would fall for that, right?"

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

This is either clever foreshadowing or a waste of space

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

A reminder, these alternate timeline goobers have settled the galaxy and do, in fact, have better technology.

gellaho

Have you, like, ever thought about it, maaaaaaaaaaaan?

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"He was a Dick. Professor Dick Monster was his full name"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I think Andre's argument boils down to "if they have the technology to do this, they could have also beat us by doing something far less stupid" and I like that

Brendan!™

Trap horse

GDC's Quivering Thews

Trademark Hawke Nysteel

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Dr. Darkness is certainly a god, if you wanna start with this kind of thing.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Classic Greeks

Brendan!™

Anybody can 4D print chronocircuits these days with a nysteel printer.

Brendan!™

Classic trojans, really

gellaho

Sleeenderrrr

GDC's Quivering Thews

Usually in this case you'd just reference that Clarke quote about sufficiently advanced technology and call it a day

Brendan!™

Lotta words to say "Apollo."

"He look Greek!"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

everyone in these books has a sharp nose

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

A twink has joined the party!

Velo

It's important that we know he's hot

gellaho

10/10 fake Greek name, Delaney

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"Also, recall the norms of the time, people"

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Do you ever stop to think how whack it is that the #1 condom brand is named after that time some Trojans tricked their way inside a fortress and then busted out?

Velo

God damn it Delaney

we should put you back where you came from

Which was, I assume, the sea

GDC's Quivering Thews

As soon as he names himself Fabius a greek seagull dives at his face.

Brendan!™

Legitimately the entire time I was debating whether to lose my viriginity.

FancyShark

No one ever noticed that Trojan condoms open up and kill everyone they find when you go to sleep because they get thrown out

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

So many dead soldiers in the trash

Brendan!™

I guess the idea was like "This'll get you inside unchallenged?" The '20s were weird.

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

And its always good to blame Poseidon for it.

gellaho

The Atalanta Falacons

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

*Falchions

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

"Your Honor, my client should not have to pay child support, because Poseidon has cursed his dick to break Trojan brand condoms."

GDC's Quivering Thews

Jason just devouring fish like a kodiak bear

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"Ugggggggghhh Jason is clinggggy"

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

They managed to lock down the brand before people started to associate anything Ancient Greek with libertarians on Twitter

Velo

Jason oer here with an entire fish in his mouth

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

"Its why he calls it Odickeus."

FancyShark

Unfortunately, those weren't fish bones he spat out

Brendan!™

300's biggest victory was turning Roman Guys into Spartan Guys

gellaho

Delaney is not a fan

Brendan!™

Like Latin's a fun language, but you see it in anyone's Twitter profile and he's going to spout a lot of dumbfuck thoughts about the Founding Fathers.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

"Then he will see me in court"

FancyShark

Or try to cast a spell

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Oh yeah, if they have a bust of a dead philosopher as an avatar you can gloss over their entire existence

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

And get really mad if you tell him that slavery ruined the economy of Rome and led to the fall of the western empire, or about all the butt stuff.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Or they get too into the butt stuff

gellaho

"Just look at this idiot"

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

And, like, chill dude

Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island

wait sorry what's happening?

FancyShark

Hi, @Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island !

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Greeks!

FancyShark

"Should we explain to him we have his teacher strapped to an autopsy table in the future?"

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

They are trying to destroy a universe by bumming around in Greek Mythology

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

"Also if Pelias doesnt see that I am right I plan to murder him."

gellaho

Jason out here with the unearned confidence of a homeschooler

Brendan!™

I made an AI portrait of Marcus Aurelius as a hipster and generated some ChatGPT tweets last year to see if he could take over Substack. I should try it again on X. Just become a demagogue, maybe convince the American right to eat radioactive pills, I dunno.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

We have acquired one (1) ancient Greek twink

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

He was centaur-schooled

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

We will add him to the team

We will not ask his age, we don't want to get into that

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Start with ionic silver, they already love that shit.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

It didn;t matter then anyway...

FancyShark

I'm going to pretend this Jason is Pargin with amnesia

gellaho

Gasp!

Velo

Quick, shoot him!

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Do it

Brendan!™

Honestly, it's work and I hate them

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

You dont have to listen to a random dude with one Birkenstock on if youre king tho.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Priests hate this man with ONE sandal!

Brendan!™

ChatGPT is so banal you need to add spicy stoic takes.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

First: Invent gun

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

The fact that he has one means that he is rich and busy

gellaho

They must have really good sandals if nobody's ever broken one

Brendan!™

They fear his wrath after he whupped them with a chancleta.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

What prophecy?

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

THE prophecy

FancyShark

"Everything. From cold fusion to souffles"

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

The one from Jason and the Argonauts.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

"Fear the boy with one sandal"?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Its not important, Pelias is a dickhead and hes going to Greek Hell.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"The hot boy with time traveller friends"

gellaho

Weep for the foot-watchman

Brendan!™

Greek Hell is Greek Heaven minus ambrosia.

FancyShark

"Beware the twink"

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Also Dusa is there and she seems nice.

GDC's Quivering Thews

Thanks, Private Exposition

Brendan!™

I love how much of Hawke's work is just him having consumed something else the week before.

gellaho

Sounds like something a shade would say to trick me across the river Styx

GDC's Quivering Thews

Luckily he was a foot guy

FancyShark

He's so excited to show what he found at the library. It's endearing

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

economy of Iolchos ruined by having to craft an endless supply of sandals, Pelias loses the throne

you can't beat prophecy

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

I can't believe I was right

gellaho

Bye, foot guy

FancyShark

"How are those ribs prepared?"

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

I read the passage twice. Anyone could lose a shoe, what type of prophecy is that?

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"the soldier in charge of inspecting feet said," the author wrote unironically.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

amazing

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Like all prophecy, its a bullshit one.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

It's the lowest paid position and thousands of people applied for the job

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Long hours too.

Poor health coverage.

gellaho

And on to the thing

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

This is just making me want to play Hades instead

FancyShark

"No, Andre. This is called 'watching another movie'."

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Or you could just..........tell him no and to fuck off.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

They are one dog short of a Wishbone book

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

At worst he becomes an Emperor Norton.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

how is this pelias finding a loophole in the prophecy

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

They call it the pelia-hole

gellaho

"What if they just had to follow an overconfident moron?" thought Simon. And he knew he had a hit

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Its less a loophole and more "This was the plan all along, Mortals! Signed: The Gods."

Brendan!™

That guy deserted his post so readily it's bonkers that he did so at the suggestion of a total stranger.

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Jason is a shithead anywayyyyyyyyyy!

Brendan!™

Like you either thought about it or you didn't. But you don't do it so cazh as an off-the-cuff suggestion.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Is Jason the woods boy?

I think I missed who Jason is

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Yes, hes the twink they picked up.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

yeah he just showed up

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

I was there when it happened!

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Literally just walked into their camp.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

That's how little I retain these books

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Jason is the double-agent!

FancyShark

I've always liked how the myth of Jason and the Argonauts is the Greek equivalent of the Avengers and then all the really famous members leave after one or two stops

gellaho

Off to the Oracle of Delphi, where they encounter... magic!?!?

Velo

So exactly like the Avengers

FancyShark

Meanwhile, the Trojan War is Endgame

Velo

And then the largely aimless odyssey is our current phase

fuck it all checks out

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Look, Thor has shit to do. I know he's the most powerful, wait, that's Captain Marvel, she hasn't even been introduced yet

Anyways, fight this giant, IDK

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Andre knows perfectly well whats going on but pretends like she thinks there might be a doubt about the technology/magic thing to fuck with the other two.

Brendan!™

Phase 4 is 1981 through 2003 for the Avengers

gellaho

And which Avenger got trapped on a boat for twenty years afterwards

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Captain America

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

Nothing gets through a Trojan

gellaho

And had a bunch of sex

Brendan!™

Jack of Hearts

Velo

Captain America

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Except deez nutz

FancyShark

Ant Man

Velo

They don't show it but

I mean

gellaho

And then killed everyone who tried to have sex with his wife

Brendan!™

Damn, the correct answer.

Velo

Still Cap

FancyShark

Okay, even more Ant Man

gellaho-ing

Odysseus was a freak

Anyway

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

They don't even understand their own technology, they probably think magic is real

gellaho-ing

Jason expects to get a boat for free

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

You know when his men were turned into pigs by Circe he ate at least one of them.

Velo

Silly Jason

That's going to cost you... currency of some type

possibly chickens

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Many things did not occur to Jason

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Olives.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Our air headed protag

FancyShark

"Oh...<chomp>...oh no! What have I...<chomp>...done?!"

Brendan!™

Jason: Political fuckboi

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"I will sell you one of my attendants"

Velo

Good

I was sick of smart protagonists

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Oh, so he's Link

We're doing a Zelda, folks

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

jason has a great idea for a video game you guys. He just needs programmers and artists and testers and

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

But barrel-chested

FancyShark

He IS a twink

gellaho

Adventure!

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

Stream of water getting a little too thirsty

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

A twink, and idiot, good at fighting, at the beck and call of royalty

FancyShark

Hi, @jakesy, aristocrat of crime !

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Who the fuck is Fabius?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

the time cops are using fake greek names

GDC's Quivering Thews

and when a stream of water breaks through the thatch roof and cascades down your back I hope you feel it

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

I can never follow all the names of the characters in these time wars books

gellaho

A mysterious stranger approaches and immediately leaves

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

He's a Traitor Marine apothecary, he makes mutant dudes!

GDC's Quivering Thews

We always to time wars books on the days I have plans, I've hardly seen any of them

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

They're all operating under aliases and half of them are new because the last ones are dead

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Oh he got the E-Z Bake Oven for Boys? The ones you make the creepy crawlies in?

FancyShark

And Simon switches up between first and last names as he gets bored

Brendan!™

Ballpark, what are the chances Hesphaestus makes us a Steele?

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

Hell yeah that thing rules