FancyShark
You could have killed him days ago when he wasn't backed by ALL THE HEROES OF GREECE
117: Time Wars #7: The Argonaut Affair Simon Hawke
#7 Time Wars
Tags:
Seventh in the exciting time travel adventure series!
Archive
Brendan!™
Which one is the retirement city?
Paradise?
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Steiger probably has a gun on him somewhere, its fine.
gellaho
They're all probably not real anyway
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
He's always wanted to fight Hercules
Velo
Yes but have you considered this: it's cooler this way
gellaho
The Villages is the city of old people
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Yeah thats a good point Jason might be a robotwink, and its fine to kill a robotwink.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
I still wouldn't
Velo
Also I feel like at this point they've already caused a disruption
Several
Many disruptions
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Someone else has beaten them to it, really
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
It's all in remote islands
gellaho
This Jason guy seems smart
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
Strongly disagree
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
He'll only lie to a sorceress and have his children poisoned if you let him run free.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
I'll take my chances
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Nonsapient robots dont count, everyone knows this.
FancyShark
I like that Jason's entire plan is "gimme"
Velo
To be fair they're bad children and deserve poison
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
Obedient twinks are scarce, man.
Velo
Team Poison
gellaho
I mean, have you ever thought about it, man?
Velo
Medea: iconic girlboss
gellaho
This city could use some vowels
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
You have to teach them obedience, if your twink misbehaves, thats on you.
gellaho
Or consonants
I'm drunk
GDC's Quivering Thews
Whatever makes it not sound like a Wilhelm scream.
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
Yeah come on man. Vowels cost money.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
They must be rich
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Its all Greek to me.
gellaho
That sounds like ancient Greece to me
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
A gg-g-g-g-g-g-girl????
GDC's Quivering Thews
Hylas the Twink
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
He is second in line for the twinkship
gellaho
Jason seems like a great future king
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
And this is why they should have stabbed him and gone home.
gellaho
Some very angular women
FancyShark
Hawke found his horny again
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Original Lara Croft-style women
gellaho
Led by a petulant child
FancyShark
Hawke really loves making the famous people in these books unlikable
GDC's Quivering Thews
I don't think the Jason character has been very consistent
gellaho
Tyler Perry, run!
gellaho
He's been a petulant, self-aggrandizing dipshit the whole time. Don't worry about it
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
To be fair, Jason is maybe the second or third most unlikeable Greek hero
gellaho
Not at all hard? Ahuh, sure
GDC's Quivering Thews
The other two are also in this book.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Poor Medea.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
oh look guys Jason is being softened by a woman
FancyShark
A long and flaccid look
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
spent and flopping glance.
FancyShark
A tired and impotent gaze
gellaho
Easily forgotten are dragons
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Shes got a lot on her mind.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
She's thinking with her other brain
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Also why would there NOT be a dragon?
gellaho
A lizard?
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Its fiiiiiiiiiiiine.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
It's very bitey, tho
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Its about the size of a housecat.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
And housecats can do some serious damage
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Because this was Dick Fight Island the whole time.
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
With robot ladies
gellaho
Pitch bowels was an alternate name for The New AToms Bombshell
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Tree leviathan
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
its really just a nice, modern fleece blanket dyed yellow.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Oh, I hope its weighted
GDC's Quivering Thews
Now they have to fight an ent for it.
gellaho
Pretty big komodo
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Weighted AND the perfect size.
gellaho
Well, that was easy
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Was it... feathers?
GDC's Quivering Thews
His dad didn't lie, he was just dumb.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
I mean its a lot easier to tell someone your lizard is immune to arrows than get a lizard that is immune to arrows.
gellaho
What a love story
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
I was actually typing "hell yes, dragon fight" but it was dead before I could finish
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
please let's do a "actually that was just its baby" reveal
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Hahahaha yes, dont actually start to like Jason, Medea. It wont work out.
gellaho
Jason bumbles his way into getting trapped under wool
FancyShark
hahaha
It actually is weighted
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Its Drakov again.
gellaho
You'll never guess who said that
Other than you just did
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Jason 2
oh Drakov
fuck off
Velo
Who
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
hahahahahha I wasnt even kidding.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Its gone way beyond being a joke.
GDC's Quivering Thews
A guy from a lesser bond movie apparently.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
more drakov
every book drakov
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Drakov is always inexplicably involved.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
he's the son of forrester, a character who is not here
it's really dramatic
gellaho
Since the fourth book anyway
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Its the Time Wars version of "Its for the insurance money"
gellaho
Jason gets dunked on again
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
"Fuck You, is my name. Of the New Hampshire Fuck Yous."
gellaho
"What's all this then?"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
The centaur continues to be real and naturally occurring.
gellaho
Just like in Scooby-Doo, it was the old man the whole time?
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Aw dammit.
I really wanted Hawke to just not address the centaur in the room.
FancyShark
Drakov shows up to monologue about a different guy's evil plan
gellaho
This seems very complicated
gellaho
Wait 'til you see who the guy is
Velo
He is asserting villain dominance
Is it Also Drakov?
Oh is it that Priest guy
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
no, that's not what supernatural means'
FancyShark
I hope it's Evil World Drakov
Velo
Wait no it's Dr. Darkness
I've run out of characters whose names I know
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
that would be so funny if they reveal that Drakov is working for another Drakov
gellaho
This is a very complicated plan
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
The HArdy Boys?
gellaho
I wish
Velo
Well we know it's not Montgomery
And we know it's not George Swell
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Drakov this is a stupid fucking plan.
Velo
Poor George Swell
I'm not over how fucked up that was
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
I admit I zoned out for a bit before the dragon fight and shit popped off way harder than I thought it would in the last few minutes
gellaho
I already achieved Nirvana when it Fenton Hardy turned into Simon Hawke in the Hardy Boys/Tom Swift crossover
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Youre trying to start a war that already started/
Velo
Hardy Boys Police Brutality
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
achievable goals
gellaho
This is so unnecessary
Velo
This is the silmarilion of stupid plans
GDC's Quivering Thews
Seems like a lot of extra steps
FancyShark
Just
Shoot
Them
gellaho
Jason and Hercules are genetically engineered humanoids
gellaho
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Why not let it rot?
FancyShark
Drakov is doing the villain version of making your houseguests hear about your model trains
gellaho
FancyShark
And that's...bad?
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
And why do they need this to happen
Velo
Jesus Christ someone die
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Drakov have a good and coherent plan challenge: impossible.
Velo
I don't care who anymore
gellaho
This is the plan
FancyShark
WHY ALL THE ADDITIONAL STEPS
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I dunno, is it amusing?
gellaho
And he's out
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I'm not convinced
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Funny, these things didn't happen in real life/our time line, but the story still exists. So there's no reason to make this happen in this timeline if you want the stories to exist
Velo
HE LEFT
HE JUST LEFT
FUCK YOU DRAKOV
Drakov just wasted real time of my real life and that's the most villainous thing anyone has ever done
gellaho
For funzies
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Delaney just letting the side down by not incinerating both these nerds and leaving.
Velo
I was waiting for his plot to make sense or be relevant and I will never get that time back
FancyShark
This is magically stupid
gellaho
As they are leaving, the King summons zombies
Velo
Does it matter
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
If my brain had just shut down before the dragons, if I had just wandered away at that point, the book would be better
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Sweet.
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
zombies are a plus
gellaho
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Now we get the Dragons Teeth Soldiers.
Velo
Who wants to guess how much longer these zombies are here
I'm betting two pages
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
See, now I'm tired and I can't be bothered to care about the zombies
gellaho
Cyber zombies
gellaho
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
But the maggots are pretty cool, most zombies omit the maggots
Velo
Frankly I hope the zombies win
This is exactly why I stopped watching the walking dead
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Me after completing Red Dead Redemption in 2012
FancyShark
Now Drakov comes back and explains how we worked with WETA for months to get the zombies to look just right
gellaho
The three of them decide to start rapidly time hopping to take everything out
Velo
That's nice
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Don't they have guns?
FancyShark
They're going to ninja dash the zombies
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Left them at home.
Velo
They decided to be less interesting
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Aren't they trained future soldiers?
gellaho
Pew pew
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Like I feel like normies in a zombie movie can take out 50 of them
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
These nerds have to preserve the timeline so they cant go Darkest of Days and roam Pompeii with microwave cannon.
Velo
They were going to steal the Golden Fleece
Why did my phone auto capitalize that
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Which is written in time stone
gellaho
Meanwhile, Medea is having a great time
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Tyler Perry's Jason and the Argonauts.
Velo
Women
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Jesus tap dancing Christ
Velo
Amirite
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Just let her scream
FancyShark
Okay, Argus. You can get ripped apart by the kraken now
Velo
Always… doing whatever that is
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Also, women, stop screaming all the time
No need to punch her out
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Argus had been waiting for days for that chance.
FancyShark
I think this book broke Velo
Velo
Okay but counter argument: if she gets knocked out she won't have to endure the rest of this book
gellaho
Turns out the King is a future soldier of the parallel dimension
FancyShark
FFS
Is ANYONE here not pretending or a clone?
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Nope.
Velo
Greece isn't real
Jakesy was right
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
tbh, a real time war would probably become incomprehensibly complicated
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
We established that hours ago, Greece is really just southwest Bulgaria.
gellaho
Drakov pops up and kills him anyway
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
But a good author would be able to describe it coherently
Velo
It's actually the south, south, south, south, south east end of London
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
agreed
Velo
God damn it Drakovs back
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Simon Hawke is a master of his craft, I dont know what you are talking about.
Velo
Drakov is starting to feel like a commercial break
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
somehow drakov has returned
gellaho
Something is behind them, I wonder what it is
Velo
Is it a hydra
gellaho
That seems fine
Velo
That's the most tedious monster I can think of
Oh hey it's something more interesting!
gellaho
As was foretold
Velo
Good job Simon
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Hell yeah.
Velo
Fuck the art for this book is so good
Real shame the actual book is what it is
This book should be 500 pages of robot fight
That's what the art deserves
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
I don't see no shield
gellaho
Eyyy, Santos Benedetto over here
Velo
Drakov
I swear to fucking god
The words "construction process" are a crime
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"We are still a along way from the endgame" NO
Just NO
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Yes, we still have to fight Dracula.
Velo
"The game continues. We are still playing the game. We are not even at half time, of the game. The score of the game? Yet to be determined."
gellaho
Into the robot
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
And Draculas robot double from another dimension.
Velo
Dracula better be cool
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Dracula hasnt been cool since Christopher Lee stopped being him.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"the conclusion of our game hasn't even begun."
Velo
"And now the game resumes with my robot. I will be using the robot for the game. Of the players of this game, one of them has my robot. And that player of the game is me. And the game is not complete"
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
All the cool Draculas spell their name backwards, like putting on a cap backwards
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
🧛
gellaho
You never want SOGgy penetration
Velo
…
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
My son, you look unwell
Velo
How long does it take the doors to close?!
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Long enough for two men to penetrate a giant.
FancyShark
They close via a tiny handcrank. One per door. They were on sale!
gellaho
As is logical
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
This is how i explain losing my keys.
Velo
"This is a complication in the game. A handicap, if you will, to my score, of the game."
GDC's Quivering Thews
The Colossus of Rhodes being a Gundam is not a twist I was prepared for.
FancyShark
There's some dope who's been falling off the Colossus for years because of this
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
It's the twist we deserved
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
The colossus is like 2/3rds meat and bone chips because it keeps chronointerpenetrating people.
Velo
I feel nothing from this information
gellaho
Seems like a personal problem
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
I am filled with joy.
gellaho
I wonder who it is
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
A friend had a clever character in a tabletop game, and everything always went to hell, and he developed a catchphrase "All according to my plan!" This is Drakov
FancyShark
Arnold?
They said running man
Velo
Wait the robot can be completely melted to slag by incidental friendly fire?
Okay now I'm full of joy
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
I missed that implication
gellaho
It's Reese Hunter, the time traveller who lives as a sorcerer hermit in the 12th century before taking Andre to Musketeer France
Velo
Hi Reese
This robot is essentially made of tinfoil
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
"Come with me if you want to live!"
"Fuck off Reese. that movie is a hundred years old."
FancyShark
They are driving a baked potato
Velo
I hope Reese brought a gun
gellaho
Twinzies
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Out of context
gellaho
Closer to 800
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Just kill the robot, I don't care about new guy
Velo
No but don't you see
He's Reese
's twin that we don't know
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Piece
gellaho
Delaney's twin, also dead
