117: Time Wars #7: The Argonaut Affair Simon Hawke

Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island

Not when i do it

gellaho

Meanwhile, Steiger's gotten into a karate fight with a couple of them

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

You can get away with it if you are a vampire, but only a hot one

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"Enough boobs, let's fight"

FancyShark

JUDO THROW

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Stab! That! Robot! Woman!

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

If they are androids, then they can have their sexy cake and kill it too

gellaho

These are some advanced robots

FancyShark

Why would you give a robot a trachea?

Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island

Hm

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

ITs fine, the Terminator bleeds too.

Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island

There goes that theory

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

If you dont fill your robots with meat parts its more expensive to make them fuck capable undetectably.

Velo

Fun

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Turns out the robots die when you break their neck

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Its why Westworld would never work.

gellaho

Wanna put that serial number right under the butt

GDC's Quivering Thews

It was the first thing they noticed, obviously.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

It's the first place anyone would look!

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Stacking gynoids like Benjamins.

FancyShark

They looked merely asleep, stacked like cordwood

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Missed the opportunity for barcode tramp stamp.

FancyShark

If Simon wrote this in the early 2000s, that would have happened

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

The concept of a slutty lower back hadn't been invented yet

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

I think android used to be used for biological replicant?

Star Trek made it more robot-y in popular culture, I think

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Simon Hawke doesnt care that robots are not made of meat.

gellaho

Let's get robo-Hercules to kill all the Amazonoids

Brendan!™

I'm back, what happened?

Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island

Eh idc either way, I'm not fucking buying an iphone

FancyShark

The Argonauts are robots?

And the Amazons are too?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

or not

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

There is another answer beyond robot

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Yeah because you could never program a robot to stutter, they NEVER do that.

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!

Brendan!™

Hipsy Pile

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Hurc: "BROS BEFORE HOS, BROS!"

FancyShark

They recruited the Argonauts, none of them made a pass at Andre, and they found the Lemnos, who may or may not be robots

gellaho

Good thing she's human

Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island

All this because they werent horny

gellaho

The Argonauts have been drugged

FancyShark

It's still healthier than calling a woman a lesbian because she's not returning a guy's advances

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

It would be unremarkable for nobody to be horny for Delaney, but it beggars belief that nobody would want to get sapphic with Andre.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

But they didn't hit on the token woman, either!

gellaho

This has Mercury written all over it

Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island

I've heard legends of so-called A-sexuals

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

As you can see, the poisoned wine is a metaphor for poisoned wine

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Theyre just a myth, like male fidelity.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

vanishes

FancyShark

NOOOOOOO!

gellaho

Living forever, alone amongst the robots

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

I mean...........not the worst thing that could happen.

FancyShark

The robots neatly fold the Argonauts for easy travel

GDC's Quivering Thews

That doesn't sound so bad.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

I wouldn't trust them to carry my crew back

GDC's Quivering Thews

Blend them into a slurry for maximum space saving

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

I bet you could teach at least one robot how to play some kind of board game and that would do for entertainment for a couple thousand years until they invent Nintendo.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"Reset this whole adventure as boringly as you can"

gellaho

Damn, I should have seen this coming

FancyShark

"YOU cast off, asshole"

gellaho

Then the androids start leaping onto the ship

Brendan!™

Yeah, but they're actually standing on the shores of Lesbos right now.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

So what part of the Oddessey/Illiad was that? Not the lotus eating part, right

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Different thing.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Was that the witch who turned sailors into animals?

But andriod edition?

FancyShark

Different myth

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

They all run together in my mind 😭

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

ok, a bunch of lady android amazons powering through the ocean like mighty dolphins to attack a boat is such an amazing visual

honestly it belongs in a better property than this

GDC's Quivering Thews

All I know about Greek myth comes from Hades and half remembered Ray Harryhausen movies.

Brendan!™

Circe?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

I have a full ass encyclopedia around here somewhere.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

ass encyclopedia

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

yes but different book.

gellaho

Next up is King Cyzicus, who won his throne in a game of Scrabble

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

When the Dalions are upset and in trouble they combine together to form Voltron.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"but it turned out they were all... let's say... werewolves."

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Weirdly its the vehicle Voltron tho.

FancyShark

The Argonauts were so hungry, they ate the emissaries

gellaho

They are under seige by six armed giants

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

I mean your club is pretty lame if it cant crush a skull with one blow.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"each giant carries off three women and clubs three men, so you do the math"

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

I have a hammer that can do that, its not even that heavy.

gellaho

"A hell of an idea... for a book!"

Brendan!™

Such an MK week we're having.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

The plan is to make the Greek myths real...???...Profit

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

wtf guys, you found amazon androids, and it took you this long to realise someone is recreating myths

like goddamn

we need better time cops

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

The centaurs tho are naturally occurring.

GDC's Quivering Thews

At least time cops with a background in the classics.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

This has TOS Star Trek vibes

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Result of a late cretacious nuclear detonation.

FancyShark

And one horny farmer

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

My best friend has a minor in classics and she doesn't even Time Cop

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Irradiated protomammals evolved into six legged manhorses.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh I know this one. bartender says "why the short face"

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Which eventually started using their forelimbs for grasping.

gellaho

Seems like there'd be easier was to run tests

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Which is why centaur legs are much sturdier than horse legs, horses walk on modified digits, centaurs have regular legs.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

maybe even three operations

Brendan!™

Honestly, the best-case scenario for inventing a race of gynoids is Amazons.

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

And what nobody wants you to know is centaurs have human feet.

Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island

Oh.

gellaho

But, the speculation is ended early when Steiger is hit by a flying giant

Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island

So, I, uh, shouldn't have put that centaur down then?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

It circles back to being okay if you ate it afterward.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"my name's the human spider - no he got my name wrong -"

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

He was on a horse? I thought they were on a boat

gellaho

These giants seem easily split open

FancyShark

BOAT OR HORSE? This Fall

gellaho

They docked to have lunch with the Scrabble king

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Leads to the spinoffs of "Horseboat?!" and "BOATHORSE!"

People loved "Horseboat?!" but really HATED "BOATHORSE!"

gellaho

Hercules using pro wrestling

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

you've got centaurs, why not boathorses

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

hercules and his bow have an exclusive thing going

not even the slimmest young twink could get between them

gellaho

Not Zetes!

FancyShark

They lost Euphemus. Now they have no way to sugarcoat their language.

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Oh no, Euphemus, he invented euphemisms!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

this book "yada yadas" through a lot of its content

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

They struggled more against the average sized women

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

like Hawke, if YOU'RE bored...

Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island

Euphemus has moved to a farm in the country.

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Admetus is a wash tho, now they dont have advertising executives.

gellaho

I'm not giving you guys the entire text of the book. I skip fight scenes especially because they aren't typically funny

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

yeah fair

gellaho

Anyway, Scrabble guy died

Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island

It takes a while to check the giants for barcodes

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

lol hercules killed the king

ok let's move on guys

quick back in the boat

FancyShark

oopsie

gellaho

Then all the giants mysteriously disappear, ooooo spooooiky

Velo

Oh no, Scrable Guy!

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

I couldn't possibly have belonged to a large woman

Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island

If i discovered time travel I'd never start timecopping. It can always wait a couple more years.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Some sort of giant baby? A naked giant baby?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

ok good that we know the women are naked somewhere

gellaho

They have a going away party in spite of the regicide

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

No one liked that guy

FancyShark

"Where's our gifts?"

"You killed our king!"

"Dude, you promised."

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

"Oh, ok"

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Killing a king is a favor, at the very least they have a new holiday.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"we played a bunch of sport and let you watch. You're welcome."

gellaho

Seeking shelter from a storm, they encounter an old man

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"King Penis!"

"Phineus"

"That's what I said!"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"what are you, blind?"

"yes, idiot."

gellaho

Harpy time

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

It's like Star Wars, where every random stranger they meet happens to be some famous galactic king shit

Bing Bong Bitches

Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island

The world, like the galaxy, is actually quite small

gellaho

That is pretty big

Brendan!™

Hawke once again devising an interesting scenario and then exploring it by having characters discuss the meaning of it instead of executing it.

GDC's Quivering Thews

Wait if their wings are leathery how are they avian?

gellaho

The body is avian

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

Furries once again wreaking havoc

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

only the torso is avian, the wings are mostly Rodan apparently

gellaho

I know plenty of ladies with feather eyebrows

FancyShark

"I see you met my wife"

GDC's Quivering Thews

Okay, but what about the boob situation?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

it has the boobs of a giant hawk

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Booooooo Hawke, you NEED TO KEEP REFERRING to your Monster Manual, it has pictures for a reason.

Brendan!™

Phineus & Furs

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

The only thing nudity in Baldur's Gate 3 added was harpy tits

gellaho

They kill the three harpies and the old guy disappears

FancyShark

"You killed my wife three times. I'm out."

gellaho

I don't know, it should be pretty symple

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

"How else do you unlock the secret hat?!"

The clashing rocks is just a bunch of hand grenades.

gellaho

I told you Tiphys had Typhus

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Very common back then, at least one of these people should have died of some kind of poop disease already.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Hah, rekt

FancyShark

He died as he lived: of an infection

gellaho

As a giant, I understand the plight of Hercules

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

At least he got a disease named after him.

FancyShark

Syphilis

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Farewell, Tiphys. I think you steered the boat or something

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

So what youre saying here is that Hercules should live in a cave and eat people raw?

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Sure, I can't access half of the shelves in my house, but being a giant must be real tough

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

is this a simon hawke original, or is there some precedent for hercules having trouble speaking

GDC's Quivering Thews

I did hit my head on a doorframe today.

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Buddha wins again! Middle way! Checkmate, atheists!

FancyShark

Herc wasn't bright, but I'm pretty sure he could talk okay

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

It feels like foreshadowing to something

gellaho

Delaney fantasizes about spanking Jason

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

We call him "Average Sized Sausage"

gellaho

I can't access lower cabinets in my kitchen, we all have our burdens

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Twink Spanking was a common sport in ancient Greece.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I think the real curse of the giant is the inevitable back pain

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

I'm 5' 1" and I have back pain

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Back pain is so unfair.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

I will do anything to fix it except diet, exercise, or get a good night's sleep

Velo

Have we considered removing our backs

Do we need them

gellaho

Delaney settles for punching his face

Velo

I'm just asking questions

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Tried but then my shoulder blades started rubbing my butt in a way I didnt like.

Velo

Lots of stuff happens at sea, Delaney

Lots of stuff

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

A little light-hearted mutiny

gellaho

Not a measurement I'm familiar with

FancyShark

Yes, the hero of myth is no match for an Irish cop

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Why are we fighting Jason?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Actually youd want to head for shore in a galley, they capsize in open sea very easily.

Velo

Oh I can actually explain that

Gale force 9 is one gale higher than Gale force 8

But

GDC's Quivering Thews

How many tall men tall were the waves though?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

They have a really shallow draft tho so hitting a reef is much less of a problem,.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

https://www.spc.noaa.gov/faq/tornado/beaufort.html

Velo

One gale lower than gale force 10

gellaho

He's trying to force them to sail directly into a storm

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

what if they just tie a rope around hercules and toss him in as an achor

Brendan!™

Gail Force: Time Cop

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

he could probably hit bottom and walk them to shore

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Gail?

Velo

This concludes my contribution for today and indeed this month

gellaho

Great Rush song

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

They probably should sail into the storm

gellaho

Feathers are deadly

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Some people are allergic

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"Stop all the tickle play rn"

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

I mean i once saw a feather stuck in a telephone pole after a tornado.

You get em going fast enough............

GDC's Quivering Thews

Feather, the razor blade brand

gellaho

Well, after hearing that, we might as well do some bird watching. What could go wrong?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

ROBO BIRDS!

FancyShark

Orpheus's arm falls off

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Oh, it's just Orpheus. He wanted to die anyway

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"oh just like that thing we were talking about."

gellaho

What a way to go

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Oh nooooooooo not the inventor of mops!

FancyShark

Not Mopsi!

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

How will we clean the floor now?!

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

They've practiced anti-arrow defenses, but FEATHERS

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

"Down? Yes, that is another word for feat-AAAGGHH!"

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Also he was the ancestor of Charlie Mops, the man who invented beer! This is real bad!

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

set back cleaning science by 1000 years

gellaho

I wonder what manner of metal

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

DEATH METAL

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

get ready to drink

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Pussy ass argonauts cant even form a proper testudo.

gellaho

There's the Hawke special

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Would have been a Phalanx for them

FancyShark

Hell yeah

Brendan!™

My beloved nysteel!

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

they replaced the birds with drones!

gellaho

The land of the whites

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

It's part of the test! The very straightforward test!

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Its a different thing, a phalanx doesnt include a roof. To be fair Im not sure you could form a proper testudo with Greek shields.

Brendan!™

Celebration, FL?

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Yeah but it hadn't been invented yet 😉

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Not in our timeline anyway!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

no one ever guesses that the phalanx was invented after the nysteel assassin-bird-droid

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

I like how the characters have admitted they are too dumb for this

gellaho

That's the land of the mouse

Steiger considers just killing Jason and leaving

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

But why?

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Why not?

gellaho

They're supposed to cause a disruption in the parallel timeline

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

You cant waste a perfectly good twink.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

well firstly he's very annoying. Secondly it might help our mission

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

He hasn't done anything

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Yet.