gellaho
Steiger follows
117: Time Wars #7: The Argonaut Affair Simon Hawke
#7 Time Wars
Tags:
Seventh in the exciting time travel adventure series!
Archive
FancyShark
Atlas is Ice
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
This is how i will explain that 40k character from now on.
gellaho
Simon brings in the Psychodrome universe
gellaho
FancyShark
YUSSSS
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
"I've seen way crazier shit then a centaur! I've seen a human girl with cat eye contact lenses in!"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
"And she didnt shave her legs!"
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
I've seen Keanu Reeves pretend to be a punk rock terrorist
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
So, fabius bile.
gellaho
And the investigation ends with a bonk on the head
FancyShark
CONK
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Got Lash LaRue'd
gellaho
Seems like he needs water cascading down the back
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
If he's unconscious, how does he know he's lying in mud being quipped at by Delaney?
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
A soldier has an instinct for these things
FancyShark
He's pretending to be asleep so he doesn't have to go to school
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
The mud tells you.
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
How's his neck, back, and pussy doing tho
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
I still don't know who Fabius is, but I'm pretending it's this guy
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
The Cunctator
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
He is a bit of a Cunct, yeah.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
You better not mispell that word
Be real careful
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Unless youre from the UK or Australia then its fine.
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
Right, wouldn't want people to think I'm australian.
gellaho
What a stroke of luck! This definitely isn't a trap
GDC's Quivering Thews
This is what happens when your benefactors are ringwraiths
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Long as the working men get paid, who cares.
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
"I dunno some cloak guy gave me this. Anyway I'm sure it's fine"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Building a galley takes a long fuckin time tho.
gellaho
Tiphys, who unfortunately had Typhus
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
Oileus Butes
FancyShark
Theseus and Orpheus, two nobodies not worth going into further detail about
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
Hades taught me that theseus is a dick
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Like at least 8 hours
FancyShark
God of War 2 supported this
gellaho
And finally, Hercules and his twink caddy
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
Though NP tells me that of all greek heroes he's the least objectionable and/or rapey
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
Oh hell yeah Hercules is white Ice
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
But he's hot tho
FancyShark
He is considered the greatest of the heroes for reasons I can't remember
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
This is the Forest Gump of ancient Greece
Just meeting all the heroes
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
24 inch pythons hell ya brother
FancyShark
Assemble!
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
Has cassandra shown up? Or the oracle at delphi?
FancyShark
Oracle was mentioned
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Well we can guess why the "fairest man in Greece" is along.
For his standup comedy.
Obviously.
gellaho
Simon taking a move from Jakes by using "promontory"
FancyShark
The fools let Betrayus tag along
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Honestly, Jason is going to wish he had stayed not King after his ex murders his children and wife and rides off into the sunset on a flying chariot pulled by dragons.
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
"Meleager, it's me! Betrayus!"
gellaho
Andre getting compliments on her gains
FancyShark
Andre! FUCK THAT ORPHEUS!
gellaho
I don't know, this Benedictus seems cool
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Hell yeah rowing boys, lets all appreciate a jacked as fuck woman.
gellaho
And he's friends with Judas, they're great guys
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
Again, nothing sexual
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
She has sick lats!
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
BOAT BUILDING
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Look, sleeping with women was gay back then
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
THE THRILLING TIME ADVENTURE
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
And lo, Andre had bangin' DDs and yet nobody cared
Which is why America now exists and Ancient Greece doesn't
FancyShark
USA! USA!
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
The only Ds they cared about are deltoids.
Velo
I had to look away what's happening
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Nobody tell Jakesy about Greece
FancyShark
Boatmaking with the boys
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Andre is jacked and everyone thinks its awesome.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
As far as he knows it no longer exists
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
Back then?
gellaho
They meet Chiron 2.0
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
I Am and will always be a Greece truther
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Men sleeping with women was gay
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
It's gay if you do it right
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Women can do what they want
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Everyone knows its a fake country, like Finland.
Velo
Is it a robot
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
It was a simpler time when men slept with boys and women were ignored except when they were needed to make a child
Velo
Greece is just a big solar powered LED in the sky
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
Pelion is much safer than the island of peloton
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Or do witchcraft.
gellaho
Then you get Orpheus telling his story, who cares
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
Pffft
Fucking musicians
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Hes a sad sack, fuck him.
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
You expect me to believe there's just a whole country named after a John travolta movie?
gellaho
Have you, like, ever thought about truth though? Like, what is it?
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Awww, I like him and his gloomy gloomface
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
,maaaaaaan
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
God fucking Greek philosophers. No wonder they poisoned Socrates.
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
Where's Diogenes when you need him?
GDC's Quivering Thews
Why do Greek wise men talk like a 17 year old hitting a bong for the first time.
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
Masturbating, probably.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
They invented that. And bong rips.
gellaho
Then Theseus talks about the Minotaur. No offense to Fatamatician, but who cares
Velo
A country where everyone goes together like rama lama lama ka dinga da dinga dong
gellaho
The only important thing is that he starts smashing everything for no reason
Velo
Remembered in classical poetry forever as shoo-bop sha wadda wadda yippity boom de boom
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Theseus gets way too much credit for basically murdering a dude whos mom was freaky and only knew labyrinth.
gellaho
And Hercules has a stutter
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
Hell yeah break stuff
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
We are watching people live a book we've already read
gellaho
Much like another famous Jason who's mother was freaky and only knew lake
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
I'm going to imagine he is that Jason, now
Velo
Yeah but he was also hot
So
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
Good point.
I'm just saying, I got a little more patience for hot guys.
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
Except it says Jason
gellaho
I was mistaken. This is the same Chiron, and it looks like the mind wipe didn't take
Velo
Velo
In a kind of micahel cera way
GDC's Quivering Thews
Wait I thought they were wearing chirons
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Chiron: "We had a lot of sex"
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Sorry, but the Hades version of Theseus is the official canon now
Velo
Powerful centaur brain too strong for your pesky technology
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
achilles stop playing with your teacher's ass hair
Velo
Okay but this is just a drawing of Rob Lowe
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
And?
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
Yeah, you'll upset patrocles
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
God hes so fucking punchable.
gellaho
In the morning, Delaney sees Chiron speaking with a mysterious figure
Velo
Punch then kiss
I bet its Steiner
Wait
A mysterious figure...
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
velo has been reading my book on picking up guys
Velo
A traveller
FancyShark
Could it be the recurring villain who has plot armor?
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Like Rob Lowe!
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Its Odin.
FancyShark
Or could it be Dan, the FedEx driver?
gellaho
Dundundun
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
No! It's me, Judas!
gellaho
Famous for his cloaks
FancyShark
He bundles up so much!
Velo
I think we all know who it is
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
"Chiron bowed from the waist" Yeah, that's how you bow
gellaho
I prefer the Isle of Lemons
Velo
Yeah but he's got several waists
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
He just has the one
Velo
he's got the man waist and the horse waist
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
i bow from the sternum. It's hard, but it shows dominance.
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Next is the isle of dylsexia
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
Children love the meat Hercules
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Horses can't bow from their waists, so it can be disregarded
Velo
I bow from the heel. Some people call it a curtsey
gellaho
"I HOPE NO ONE CAN HEAR US"
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
I bow to no one
Velo
maybe your horse cant
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
I do it American style, head and back straight, index fingers out and pointing with thumbs erect.
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
The worst thing about timecopping is time
Velo
Also the copping
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
And the space nacho farts
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
And finding jeans with a flexible crotch
Velo
Also Steiner
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Gussetttttttt
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
They can be smelled thru time!
Velo
There's a lot of downsides to being a timecop
GDC's Quivering Thews
The pay sucks too.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
That's why I choose the freewheeling life of Time Bandit
Velo
Also the time bastards
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
The dental plan is great though.
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Dr. Darkness is where it's at
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
I'm more of Time Drifter
gellaho
Oh, something's wrong? What was the first clue?
Velo
Sometimes you find a chair that's like, a really nice chair? And then later you realize that chair was 700 years ago
And you'll never sit in it again
Keeps a fella up at night
gellaho
Someone left the cake out in the rain
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Gee, you fucking THINK Steiger?!
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
My ass weeps withyours
gellaho
I can't imagine it's some kind of trap
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
The holodeck, this whole time!
Velo
Oh no! Mist!
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Start of a pretty good date.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Oh, uh, no thank you
GDC's Quivering Thews
They got caught in an ewok trap
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
They got caught in the ol' net trap
FancyShark
The Accordian of Sleep
gellaho
It's going great
Velo
How great would it be if the entire next page is just screaming about the mist
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
Hold on let me go investigate this giant box propped up with a stick. There could be cheese in there!
FancyShark
I hope every one of the Argonauts was caught by the same trap
Just piled up behind a bush as they catch each one
Velo
I think they were
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Is this Lost?
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"Oh hell, Cyclopses eat half the crew at some point"
Velo
Argonauts famously easy to catch
gellaho
Can you ask them for a Kindle while we wait?
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Famous for her hip press.
Velo
And all you have to do to trick Odyseus, the Tony Stark of the Greek Myths, is say 'hey don't go that way' and watch him sprint towards danger
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
Don't get too excited, guys. Not sure you're artemis' type.
FancyShark
You really don't want to be her type
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Mini-skirt?
FancyShark
Simon got horny
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
Like you had back in Ancient Greece
gellaho
Hercules not into it
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
you have your faith, he has his
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Its fine, you just never ever cross Artemis and you get all the pepperoni you could want.
I see her boons in Hades and thats a snap pick.
Just because I like talking to her.
gellaho
The good news is that Hercules is, you know, Hercules
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
...oh, you see her BOONS. I misread that
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
I prefer my alcoholic boyfriend
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
lol Hercules is just like wait a minute I'm a fuckin god
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Wine attacks do poison damage, which is a metaphor, for poison
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
Do you know who my dad is
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Thighonysus is excellent too.
gellaho
Who doesn't love some alchol
HERCULES SMASH
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
Yeah @FancyShark this is an intervention
GDC's Quivering Thews
They've seen a centaur but draw the line at strong guy
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Different universe boyfriend
FancyShark
I can stop collecting weapon upgrades whenever I want!
gellaho
I can't believe screaming and smashing everything didn't work
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
He drinks like a fish
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Lies.
FancyShark
Okay, yeah, you got me
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
That's right I went there. To The Nutty Professor
Velo
There's still time
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
Honestly me neither, that's my go-to
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Steiger is getting ideas for the next Council meeting
gellaho
She should really take some medication for her Hypsipyles
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
"Me, thats me, Jason Pargin, New York Times bestselling author."
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"Queen of Lemons"
GDC's Quivering Thews
Hawke has been typing with one hand for the entire chapter.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
In the name of gender equality, you need to kill all these women
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
With hand grenades!
gellaho
Meanwhile, Andre gets bathed
Velo
[Long pause] "New york is a city, in the united states, named after York in England. Times is a magazine that judges book sales."
Time Travelling Jason Pargin destroys the timeline in a single conversation
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Everything is coming up Andre this time.
Velo
"... And shoes are a covering that we wear on our feet, that protect both our heels, and toes."
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
This timeline appreciates a jacked queen.
gellaho
Ah, one of them softcloths
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
I can't read "burning braziers" as anything but "burning brassieres"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Make both out of metal, fill them with coal, hang from ceiling. Same thing.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
No, they would not just start scrubbing Delaney
Velo
[extended long pause] "Cleopatra is a queen of the Ptolemy dynasty in Egypt, a land that is south of here, descended from greeks that actually didn't come very far from here at all."
FancyShark
Maybe with a morningstar
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
He can scrub his own self.
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
Yeah agreed
Plus his comedy is overrated
gellaho
I'm sure this doesn't mean anything
gellaho
"Which is unusual"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Its called being professional, yall.
FancyShark
"For once"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
These ladies are here to wash ass, not fuck.
GDC's Quivering Thews
Just a casual grope, to demonstrate.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
This is not how you test this theory!
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Imagine how long it would take to get your bathing done if you fucked every time.
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
They all are into women, but Andre is none of their type
gellaho
This obviously tells Delaney he needs to bite them as a test
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Every time?! People have jobs
gellaho
So, we got robots
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
OF COURSE
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
SEXY ROBOTS!
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"My experience with women is that she should be screaming right now"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Its done got all fuckin Westworld up in here.
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
lol he decided they were asexual by honking their boobs huh
GDC's Quivering Thews
This test is way worse than the voight Kampf
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Well he did bite a chunk out of her arm
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"trust me, women hate it when you bite them. I've tried it 30 or 40 times"