117: Time Wars #7: The Argonaut Affair Simon Hawke

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Just now, too

that has to be fun to learn

Velo

"The minute I saw Drakov existing I knew it was him. Mainly because he explained that it was him for a solid forty minutes."

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Fucking who cares?! Just fucking kiss already.

gellaho

Not a good death

Velo

Hey Reese? Buddy? Other stuff going on right now

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

This is why you always bring a solid melee weapon, cmon. I know yall have Vermintide in the future.

GDC's Quivering Thews

Let that be a lesson about keeping lots of spare plasma charges

gellaho

What a web we weave

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

"You people"

FancyShark

Oh god

Andre was a flavorless beverage

Velo

"The me from your universe… she was me."

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

But this isn't the first time they met their time twins

Velo

I don't even think it's the second time

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Why are they still surprised!

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Theyre stupid.

gellaho

"Yeah, you turned into a weird hippie in our time"

FancyShark

They keep playing russian roulette with the memory scrambler

Velo

Drakov is just standing there this whole time huh

Now he knows that this bullshit feels like

FancyShark

"You guys waited while I talked. It's only fair."

gellaho

The only one who met their time twin was Lucas. And that was right before both of them died

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Hes in a cupboard ready to announce his escape plan.

Velo

Finally some justice

He's in a four point harness floating dramatically two feet above the floor trying to get everyone's attention but they just will not stop gossiping

gellaho

Classic misunderstanding

Velo

Ah yes. The previous book

Good recap

gellaho

There he is

FancyShark

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

On his island?

gellaho

Such a luxurious beard

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Oh the villain is offering wine

Now clever readers will remember they were just poisoned by wine not to long ago

FancyShark

"I do not drink..."

"Wine?"

"No, at all. Please try this. It'll go bad."

Velo

Hmmm

gellaho

You've used my beautiful sins against God for evil! I can't believe it!

Velo

Silly shark wine doesn't go bad

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I thought the name Moreau was a joke

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

No. It's a direct rip off

FancyShark

ahem

"Homage"

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Yes it does, it becomes vinegary

gellaho

Prismire

Velo

Really?

Hold on I've got some old wine I can test this

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Yeah, proper storage and bottling can delay it but it happens eventually.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Yeah, especially since air will get in through the cork

gellaho

Ah, piss ant

gellaho

Just say that

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Drakov.........youre talking to a guy who has the loyalty of a small army of superhuman mutants.

FancyShark

Great work. Now Velo's dead. Where are we going to find another hilarious, sassy dinosaur?

gellaho

Drakov out genetic engineering all on his own

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Might I suggest, Doctor Dinosaur?

gellaho

MOISTEN! THOSE! LIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPSSSSS!

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

FancyShark

Is the main villain of this series really stopping everything to demand another villain tell him he did a good job?

gellaho

Yes

And those creatures are for the next book

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Moreau...........maybe you should kill Drakov with your mutant weirdos?

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Are they vampires?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Or just shoot him in the back of the head when he isnt looking.

gellaho

Moreau isn't thrilled about this, so frees the crew

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

hmmmm.... Drakov... Dracula...

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

I wish he had made a new crew, called them the Zoo Crew, and we could get a fun Doom Patrol esque side story where Delany is half dog.

gellaho

They get in a spat over who's going to arrest Moreau, but he just leaves

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

whomp whomp

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

finest time cops we ever had

FancyShark

The theme of the book reads this year seems to be "villains can just leave"

gellaho

Delaney doesn't get to fuck in this one, but his crotch does get touched

gellaho

Just not in the way he'd like

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

The book in a nutshell

FancyShark

Delaney wished on that monkey's paw he would get smashed

gellaho

They lost Moreau, so they take Reese instead

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

hey why did we do this mission with only 3 of us to start with

FancyShark

Budget cuts

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

"CAan we keep him, major? I promise we will feed him and keep his cage clean."

gellaho

Reese tries to teleport out, but accidentally sent himself to their HQ. Whoops

Brendan!™

Why didn't he just save Jason instead of letting a child die to grow a clone of a jerk?

gellaho

Meanwhile, Moreau destroys everything

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

took a minute to even understand the question. Give me 4 hours and I might have an answer

gellaho

Not a great comparison to get

gellaho

Much easier to program the fake one

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

christ

Brendan!™

Nah, brainwashing children is easy.

gellaho

He's also evil and insane, so he probably doesn't care about killing kids

He did hire one as an assassin

Who later turned into a pirate he employed

Velo

Adventure and friendship

Brendan!™

This drama is undercut when Speed Force Dr. Doom could show up anytime to deus ex it again.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Had to leave the 4th spot open for a rotating cast of guest stars

Velo

Time Pirates would be such a great story

gellaho

It is in its

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Saw that coming from a mile away

FancyShark

Drakov can't believe his luck. The others are landing on every Exposition trap this time

Velo

"I smashed all the artificial wombs"

gellaho

That's how you end a paragraph

FancyShark

"ifyaknowwhati'msayin"

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

So are we still fighting in a giant robot? What happened to Greece? Will this book ever end?

gellaho

What happened to Greece seems like a big question

Velo

Yes. Yes! No.

You're welcome

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Greece? Yes!?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Greece was never real in the first place.

Velo

Greece is the word

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Gyros are the only truth.

Velo

That you've heard

gellaho

Time to fuck up history with lasers

Velo

It's groove, and it's got meaning

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Fuckin eat coherent light, Other Guys Time Stream.

gellaho

I'm guessing the harpies don't have a great chance

FancyShark

Damn. Moreau can take a hit

Brendan!™

The harpies screamed like banshees

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

3 punches from a guy with 3x strength

Brendan!™

The HARPIES screeched like BANSHEES.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

that's like 9 punches

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

that's lkike the 8th monster they've been compared to

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

What else would the screech like, Brendan?

Brendan!™

Karens

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Owls.

gellaho

BEEP boop

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

But barred owls and not screech owls, that would be silly.

FancyShark

Dustin Diamond

I'll go to hell now

Velo

Huh

So there's an army

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

The melting point of bronze is only like 1800 degrees, so this is some really cool plasma fire.

gellaho

Delaney, Andre, and Steiger clocked back to their own time with Reese and got reinforcements

Velo

Neat

gellaho

I'll get The Eyes of Kid Midas

Velo

Are we keeping Reese

And all of his pieces

gellaho

He accidentally teleported into their HQ, so probably

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

In a bucket

gellaho

I should have installed cannon

Velo

Man bumblefucked his way into a new timeline

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

What a weak ass robot

Velo

Yeah that's a good reason not to make it out of bronze

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Should have added weapons

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

so they made a giant unwieldy robot made of metal that has a lower melting point than the temp of their main enemies' weapons

and didnt even put guns on it

gellaho

Benedetto is doing great

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

And maybe build it in the future, with future metal

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Waste of a giant robot.

gellaho

Benedetto dies at least three ways at once

FancyShark

The three little pigs thought out structural integrity better than this idiot

Brendan!™

What's their motive at this point? Can't they just go back to the insertion point and avert the time diversion?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

"The easier it is to melt their ankles, is how that saying goes."

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

RIP one of the...main baddies?

Velo

Jesus Christ

That's the deadest anyone has been in this series

Brendan!™

Simply by getting to his feet for a second he became the hero.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

he also had typhus

Velo

Aside from Priest who apparently died while killing himself from another timeline

FancyShark

Someone named Benedetto must've killed his dog

Brendan!™

A story of endurance.

gellaho

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Watch Benedetto come back next time in a giant robot Dracula made of gold.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

He died as he lived: driving a kick-ass giant robot

FancyShark

Velo

Steiger's first name has been Creed this whole time?!

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

What happened to the whole timeline tho

Velo

Unimportant

It died like three times at once

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Stuff! And things!

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

All of Greece did?

Velo

Oh you need the lowdown on Greece?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

It never existed! Southwestern Bulgaria!

gellaho

They meet up with Argus who says what else happened in the Argonauts story

Velo

Oh that's good

FancyShark

And from the ashes, a new Greece was built. And they called it

Delaware

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Greece is one of my favorite fantasy settings, I still care about the lore

Velo

Oh that's unfortunate

gellaho

"Hearing that old man tell you a story was risky"

Velo

"That was risky paperwork, son."

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Oh hey its General "Not Stabbing My Time Bastard Son Has Never Come Back To Haunt Me" Forrester.

FancyShark

"You're a wildcard. I'm putting you on a safer assignment, busting time druglords"

Velo

General "Uncontrollable Dick Rampage" Forrester?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Also for some reason I cant stop thinking Forrester is played by Forest Whitaker.

gellaho

They also lost Reese 2.0

gellaho

Brendan!™

Reese Hunter, Time Fugitive

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Hahahahahahahahahahahah your security sucks ass.

gellaho

FancyShark

"If only we had some way to communicate with HQ"

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Yes. You SHOULD have killed him

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

we all wish that forrester

Velo

This… professor

Professor you say

Brendan!™

I don't trust these people to change time if they can't run a prison.

Velo

Mhm

gellaho

That is quite the coincidence

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

A title only really used by colleges, journalists, and writers

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"team, we'v received word that drakov and moreau have teamed up with another scientist. Some guy named Frankenstein."

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Time to interrogate this Wells guy

gellaho

Indeed

FancyShark

HAHAHA

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Time to protect HG Wells from the Dracula Army.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Oh

FancyShark

Vooster called it!

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

How do I keep guessing the dumbest things

gellaho

But, that's the next book

Velo

Honestly not what I was expecting

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I can't wait to see how boring and unlikeable Wells is

gellaho

For now, know that Drakov is back in Zenda castle and there's something in a coffin

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

You fall into a knack for it.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

The weighted fleece was a shock because I expected it to be such a throw away line

Because I have a weighted blanket next to me, and that was my first thought

Brendan!™

This is their equivalent to handing me Beowulf and being like "Here, read this Geats mythology, it really happened."

FancyShark

lol

You can't do a jumpscare at the end of a book, Simon

gellaho

The end

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Have you considered writing Cyber Beowulf And the Ice Gorillas?

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Yep vampires

gellaho

We have defeated Time Wars #7: The Argonaut Affair

Brendan!™

"I think you'll enjoy a 1700-line poem written in caveman about our world. It's also your mission brief."

FancyShark

WE DID IT

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

yay

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

I'm so tired

gellaho

So concludes the 117th Edition of The Book Cage

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

that one hurt

Brendan!™

Cut to: a bronze hand bursting out of the sand of Thebes.

FancyShark

Thank you, @gellaho !

Great work, everybody!

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Bed time!

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Thanks!

FancyShark

Have a good night!

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Thanks Gellaho

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Time Wars is always a good time.

wars.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

bye everyone, thanks gellaho

Velo

Thank you @gellaho !

Velo

This is fantastic

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Watch out for metal feathers and being bathed by women

Brendan!™

Gellaho, that was heroic

But only in the ancient Greek sense.

However, it was also epic.

gellaho

May all your heroes be secretly genetically programmed super clones from the future invented by fictional mad scientists

GDC's Quivering Thews

Thank you for everything as usual, @gellaho