gellaho
🚨 Hardy Boys Casefiles Poll Time 🚨
The Hardy Boys are under attack! Animal attack! Choose your favorite by using the matching reaction for this Friday's reading.
🐆 #12 - The Perfect Getaway
🐻 #26 - Trouble in the Pipeline
119: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #12: Perfect Getaway Franklin W. Dixon
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A vacation from th law is always costly.
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Vooster
I will be on a plane, so I will vote for the one I don't want. That's politics
FancyShark
We'll miss you!
gellaho
One of these involve The Assassins, but you don't get to know which
FancyShark
Dangit
I'm sticking with my first pick. I need to see if I can trust my instincts
Ferroday is a woman, too!
WHAT A SOPHIE'S CHOICE
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
You guys are crazy for not going with the man in the obviously fake bear costume book
Bear paws do not look like that!
FancyShark
It was not an easy decision!
But when it's "threatened by a possibly fake bear" vs "leopard actively diving at Frank like he's made out of hotdogs", one of those is going to require a higher level of bullshit to write out of
FancyShark
It weirds me out every time they draw Joe like a middle aged man. They always make him look like my stepdad.
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
17 year olds looked 40 back in the day
Nobody knows why (cigarettes and no sunscreen)
gellaho
The Book Cage: Episode 119
The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #12: Perfect Getaway
The people have spoken! Journey on the underwoorld express to meet the ultimate criminal operation. And visit a secret evil kingdom ruled by gun manufacturers. The only escape is $5 million, this Friday, 5pm eastern.
gellaho
gellaho
You have, unfortunately, missed The Assassins this time
FancyShark
NOOOOOOOOO!
DAMN YOU, INSTINCTS!
oh well, this still sounds like a fun one
Hardy Boys Undercover leading to a Most Dangerous Game
Ozzie
This was where I landed also. That leopard is slightly more in the foreground than Frank, he's actively separated the two of them and taken out the bigger meal already, man.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Watch there not even be a leopard mentioned in the story.
FancyShark
If it kills Frank, it can gnaw on Joe for the rest of its life
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"A vacation from the law is always costly" is such a nothing tagline compared to that cover art
gellaho
The Hardy Boys Casefiles #12: The Perfect Getaway is happening at the top of the hour. Here's the preview
FancyShark
Nice! Changing up the "Mow down a Hardy Boy with a car" trope by swapping with a horse
Velo
We're going to solve so many mysteries tonight
Brendan!™
Now that America is a dollar store wasteland, there are 19 franchises like this but Ollie's is somehow the one that's simultaneously depressing and has great residual lot auction stuff.
Brendan!™
To understand Bret Easton Ellis, just imagine John Lydon but boring.
I am far more interested in the works of Mr. Franklin W. Dixon, Provocateur Insidious
Brendan!™
I need a synonym for "trying sounding for the first time, but not really into it so far" for this Valentine, please help.
IT IS TIME
Velo
BOOK
CAGE
gellaho
Rawr
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
woo book cage
FancyShark
IT BEGINS
Brendan!™
Looks like a flawed getaway, tbh
FancyShark
HELLO, @Brendan!™ ! Hi, @Velo ! Hi, @gellaho ! Hi, @Tom Owns Diebel's Grave !
Velo
Love it when we start already crazy
Hi @FancyShark !
Brendan!™
Hi, Sharkie, baby!~
gellaho
Bienvenido a Miami y Feliz Navidad
Velo
I'm on team hurricane now
Justice for George Swell
FancyShark
It's really weird because it's May
Velo
Drown these bastards
Brendan!™
Will Smith looks so young, what did the Hardys do to him?
gellaho
University of Miami fan, I see
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
there's so much to mock in such a short passage
disculpa mi tulpa
they brought him where the heat is hot
gellaho
Frank is wearing his Chinese karate varsity sweater
Brendan!™
APPROPRIATION
Velo
We're starting so strong
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
but I'm gonna go with "world's greatest teen detectives surprised that weather is different in different place"
disculpa mi tulpa
not trying to brag, but he's a brown belt guys
FancyShark
Hi, @disculpa mi tulpa !
disculpa mi tulpa
also wtf why isn't karate a school sport?
FancyShark
Couldn't even make him a black belt, Dixon?
Ferroday is a woman, too!
this is starting exactly like an episode of the original power rangers
FancyShark
Hi, @Ferroday is a woman, too! !
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
shockingly accurate
Brendan!™
He's going to earn that belt karate-dueling a European atop a naked girder.
disculpa mi tulpa
or is that why he fights the tiger?
gellaho
Busy year
Ferroday is a woman, too!
not an assassin, mind you, just a guy very salty that he lost a fight to some teenagers
gellaho
Joe looking to steal some money for a beach house
Velo
This is before the bombing that set up Dead of Night, I'm assuming
disculpa mi tulpa
I read that as the baseball team which changed the meaning a little. I'm tired.
Brendan!™
Joe is the partier. Frank is the nerd who will make them all pay.
Velo
Why are they 40 in this one?
FancyShark
Because 40 was the last age the writer talked to another human
disculpa mi tulpa
Dixon's being passive aggressive to his family maybe
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
Nobody on the Colorado Rockies can be counted on to get a hit, man
Brendan!™
Dixon is forced to write this on vacation, and can't even expense the upgrade.
FancyShark
Hi, @jakesy, aristocrat of crime !
Velo
Damn now I want the Hardy Boys all grizzled neo noire
gellaho
Very fancy
Velo
Moody narration and everything
FancyShark
NO YOU DON'T
disculpa mi tulpa
wait, is that a bag of money?
FancyShark
Sorry, Velo. Just...just trust me. You don't.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
there was a movie about a boy detective who grew up and never moved on
think it's on netflix
disculpa mi tulpa
they just took down a hit man now they're traveling with a case of cash. not suspicious at all.
Brendan!™
There are too many Gold Coasts for me to keep track of.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
.Frank inadvertently suggesting his brother would pick up sex workers .
gellaho
I think Joe's getting high on all the cocaine dust on these bills
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Successfully no less.
FancyShark
Hi, @FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning !
Brendan!™
Joe is the one who fucks. How ironic, then, that Frank is the one who makes women explode.
disculpa mi tulpa
just another place Tarantino borrowed from I guess
Brendan!™
Frank is treating Joe like he's making this warehouse meet deal go on too long.
Ferroday is a woman, too!
they are trying so hard to get robbed in broad daylight
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
I would watch a Tarantino take on the Hardy Boys.
Velo
Joe is smoking to try and steady his nerves. The smell of the salt air brings back bad memories.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
they've hit Death Wish 3 levels of wish fulfillmint vigilantism
Ferroday is a woman, too!
talking loudly about the big bag of money, in the middle of the day, in Florida
FancyShark
Chet would get into a shootout that spanned three states
gellaho
Already threatened by a British man with a gun
gellaho
FancyShark
Quick! Insult the queen! It renders them powerless!
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Frank has a rape whistle?
disculpa mi tulpa
I like it when my apointment to be threatened happens on time
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
I mean better to have one and not need it than not have one and need it, I guess.
gellaho
They have the same last name so it'd be weird if used their surnames
Velo
British idiot worth his nickel gun
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Its probably one of those adorable little British guns, you can't kill anyone with those.
Velo
Joe brought a sock full of nails, idiot
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
what company works like this? the CIA?
disculpa mi tulpa
Mr. Hardy. Mr. Hardy. Might I be Frank?
Brendan!™
Someone please mod Vice City to star an idiot Hardy who ignores half your controls to do the dumbest possible thing.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
The kind people make fun of James Bond for being fond of.
FancyShark
I assume this man's backup is named Wooster
FancyShark
I think that just requires a change of hair color
Ferroday is a woman, too!
I guess you'll have to ask him
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
His real name is Dorcas Hanrahan.
disculpa mi tulpa
Brendan!™
When do we get to meet your boss, Mr. Wodehouse?
Honestly, a Bertie Wooster surprise crossover would be a fun trip.
gellaho
This system seems inefficient
FancyShark
"I need you ask you boys for help eluding Aunt Agatha"
Ferroday is a woman, too!
why are we having this meeting at gunpoint?
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Nobody told Frank and Joe that this is not how you buy scones.
FancyShark
Oh hell yes, he's really talking like Jeeves
Velo
The look on Frank's eyes warrants extra precaution
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Also making the classic mistake of gesturing with a gun, and thereby throwing off your aim.
disculpa mi tulpa
I want you to make the "tickets" visible, but I am going to call them tickets.
gellaho
Battleships like this are for big wheels only
disculpa mi tulpa
shit yes hit the bar boys
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Jeeves needs to return to the prison the SAS got him from and relearn his gun safety, you never point a gun at someone if you dont intend to shoot them.
GDC's Quivering Thews
Are they reusing dialog from books written in the 50s?
gellaho
Funeral directors famously love limousines with luxurious bars
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Frank and Joe fucking EMPTY that bar.
Brendan!™
To be fair, everyone the Hardys meet has a plan to shoot them.
Velo
Funeral directors get loose
FancyShark
Hi, @GDC's Quivering Thews !
GDC's Quivering Thews
Frank can tell they're good windows by how little his noseprint smears
Brendan!™
They are riding in bertie wooster's limo, confirmed.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
If they paid more attention to firearm safety, they could have shot them both by now.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
somehow I don't think funeral directors put the corpse in a limo
disculpa mi tulpa
nah the family, but not usually with a bar. I think my family would want the bar.
Brendan!™
And since nobody will mourn these Boys, I guess that theory's toast
gellaho
Flashback to yesterday, where Joe is allowing Frank to buy his girlfriend a Christmas present?
Brendan!™
How quickly they grow up.
disculpa mi tulpa
that sounds like they argued about what to get Callie and Joe is letting it go
Ferroday is a woman, too!
I'm always taken aback at how clunky the narrative exposition is in hardy boys books
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
frank pulled a karl pilkington and got her a box of condoms for her birthday
Velo
And also everything else
disculpa mi tulpa
I read a bunch of these in the 80s but moved on pretty quick
Brendan!™
Never buy a woman jewelry. She will hate your taste and exchange it, leading to her blowing up in a van with the computer she was going to give you.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Frank wanted to just refresh the nutrients in the cloning vat and maybe add some Vitamin B, Joe thought maybe a nice necklace.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Just do like I do and give her cool rocks.
"Hey babe! I found this neat rock in the park, and thought of you! Here!"
gellaho
Meanwhile, 11 books after Joe's girlfriend exploded and 7 after encountering her clone, he's exploring all available avenues
Brendan!™
Guys love chicks with awesome rocks.
Dudes love babes.
FancyShark
Joe moves on fast
Brendan!™
Fellas love birds.
Wiseguys moon over frails, see?
Joe ffffuuuuucks
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Trying to make Joe out to be some kind of playboy is kind of hilarious given he's kind of a sexless Ken doll of a humanoid.
disculpa mi tulpa
Peronally, I've budgeted two knuckle sandwiches and a swirly for you, Frank
Brendan!™
Make Callie watch as you give Joe a diamond necklace.
Joe likes punching and headbutting punches.
Or maybe that's Frank, I can't tell.
which one is the blond?
gellaho
That's Frank
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
This is when you stuff glitter up your urethra before you nut on your patners chest.
gellaho
That's Joe
FancyShark
Joe
Brendan!™
HA! Classic Frank.
gellaho
Before they can ask Frank's magic computer for financial advice, they receive a phone call
FancyShark
"I killed Callie, is my point"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
His computer is just what he calls the phone line to his stock broker.
GDC's Quivering Thews
That is chekov's explosive computer
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
He has a very conservative portfolio, heavy into bonds.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"Computer, what do I get for my girlfriend for Christmas so she'll like me and won't die?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that."
disculpa mi tulpa
I asked ChatGPT how they can get more moeny and the first suggestion was solve more cases. I bet we're in for one.
gellaho
This ghostwriter really understands how late '80s teens talk
gellaho
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Do they even GET paid for this?
disculpa mi tulpa
good question
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
I assumed their approach to crime fighting was like an 17th century biologist, just cataloging butterflies for the love of the game.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
jesus christ Frank. "Everything except a mother." tactful
Velo
In experience
disculpa mi tulpa
the money is probably mom's life insurance
FancyShark
"I always think of her as Rich Little," said the normal human child.
Brendan!™
It's not Marcie's fault she rules. She had to grow up fast and become all woman without a mother to suppress her and keep her dependent on love and control.
gellaho
She thinks he's the tops, the cat's pajamas, the bee's knees, ya see?
FancyShark
THE INSURANCE MONEY?!
Brendan!™
Marcie would weep to hear how the other 40-year-old teens speak of her.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
No, Frank. Everyone likes her because shes one of the rare rich people who have a personality and isnt a ghoul. Its deffo not her dead mom.
Brendan!™
The exposition is more like introduction.
disculpa mi tulpa
Dads who talk to their kids are pretending to be moms. Noted.
Brendan!™
Thank you for attending this two-hander feminist reading of RICHARD COREY.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"What Marcie lacks in a mother, she more than make up for in a father," Frank exposited. Joe agreed, adding some more information they both already knew.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Its the kung fu movie method of exposition, all at once up front, except in a kung fu movie they finish by stabbing someone in the tant til their butthole falls out the bottom, and here Frank and Joe will probably just get hotdogs.
disculpa mi tulpa
so taints either way
gellaho
Just going over to her giant colonial mansion in small town Bayport
Velo
"I appreciate how he's 5'4" and approximately 182 pounds, with a distinctive scar in the shape of a crescent on his lower lip." Joe agreed
disculpa mi tulpa
well, Joe was talking about taking someone else's money and spending it. Kinda hope the Brit plugs him.
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
Buttholes? Plugging? What did I miss?
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
You find a surprising number of grand colonial mansions in weirdly small towns. I went to high school in a town of less than 500 people, and it had this huge old house like that. Right next to the school, in fact.
Velo
Hi @Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island !
Nothing
FancyShark
"I sent the maid home. Her home is the shed in the backyard. Don't make eye contact or she'll think she's people."
Hi, @Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island !
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Me being a total gremlin and inventing a sex thing, normal stuff.
gellaho
Like a simile without a purpose
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
Never change
Velo
The Boys are talking like they're jaded private eyes with four divorces behind them
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Car bombs are LIKE divorce, in a way.
Also just saying, you dont get kicked out of the Catholic Church for car bombing your wife.
Velo
Frank said, putting out his cigarette on his own palm, hoping to feel something, anything, again.
GDC's Quivering Thews
Bayport's geography is pretty malleable
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"We know the word embezzling, Marcie, you don't have to richsplain to us"
disculpa mi tulpa
"Your dad?" said Frank, thinking of a distinguished-looking yet down-to-earth man who was completely irrelevant for no reason
gellaho
Karl Ross, the big Kahuna, the big cheese, the king of the hostile takeovers
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Maxtel, the thinly veiled reference to Mattel. Her dad is the VP of Barbie.
disculpa mi tulpa
Karl Ross has two first names, which is suspicious
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Hahahahaha imagine a world where white collar guys didnt get bail.
GDC's Quivering Thews
Sounds like they might have to start dredging the harbor for Karl
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
MAaaaaaaaaaaan.
gellaho
Yeah, I hid evidence, so what
Velo
I've had the soundtrack to L.A. Noire playing this whole time and it just keeps fitting more and more
FancyShark
"They been doing vanishing acts. A real one-two, twenty-three skidoo. You get me?"
Velo
"Fuck the cops." Agreed Joe
disculpa mi tulpa
Golly, Marcie, do you want us to carry the bag for you? What a great case!
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Hahahaha imagine a world where cops dont search a teen girls room just to steal her panties and valuables.
"Knock down that door, she might have twenty bucks and I feel like chicken nuggets."
gellaho
An Adolf in South America? What could go wrong!
FancyShark
Mr. and Mrs. Tanner did not love their child
disculpa mi tulpa
Tanner did it. Case solved.
Velo
Well I think it's clear what we have to do. We have to find Adolf, and bring him to America.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Whats the world coming to when you cant trust a South American man with a suspiciously Germanic name?!
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Coming To America 3 got really really weird.
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
Bold of Eddie Murphy to play Hitler though
Velo
Are you sying you wouldn't buy tickets if I told you Adolf was played by Christoph Waltz?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"I hef nuffink against ze Jewish peoples," Adolf Tanner insisted, eyes darting back and forth. "I hef no idea why always people are asking me of ziss."
disculpa mi tulpa
Twins 2: Eddie Murphy and Christoph Waltz are both Hitler
gellaho
Marcie gets a phone call from Perfect Getaway. The call is from Perfect Getaway. Did I mention Perfect Getaway?
Velo
Frank why... why are you speaking with a fake voice
They don't know what you sound like, Frank
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"This is Code Word Criminal Services Incorporated, returning your call."
FancyShark
"Blink twice if you would like a Perfect Getaway."
"But I'm on the-"
"I said BLINK"
gellaho
The ghostwriter gets five bucks every time he drops the title
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
"Hurry up, the Kidnap My Daughter For A Fake Ransom people are on line 2."
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
His "I heff nuffink against ze Jewish peoples" shirt raises a lot of questions already answered by his shirt
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
"I have a meeting with Burn Down My House LLC later."
Velo
"The plot gets thicker and thicker," said Joe knocking back his fourth bourbon of the morning, "Frank I think this dame might not be on the level."
FancyShark
"I Was Home Watching TV Catering is waiting with your paninis"
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"so if you want us to, WINK, transport you out of the country, you need to, WINK, give us five hundred thousand dollars"
Velo
neo noire Hardy Boys would be so good
disculpa mi tulpa
that's the Tarantino version right there
FancyShark
What you're writing would be. What we read way back when was not.
gellaho
So put away all your Grover Cleveland $1000s
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
Needs more foot stuff
GDC's Quivering Thews
That's a perfectly normal and legitimate way to pay for things
Velo
"Joe are you doing a bit?" Asked Frank, confused.
"Maybe this whole bitch of a world is doing a bit." Said Joe
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
But hey, that's why we have Chet am i right fellas?
disculpa mi tulpa
damn, can't use 500 bills.
Velo
But what about the $150s Marcie's dad gave us?
disculpa mi tulpa
they used to make $222 bills but they stopped
Velo
Marcie's dad guilty of another, unrelated crime
FancyShark
"Give the case to the first person you see. They might work for us, they might not. Fate will decide if we move forward."
gellaho
"Could you send us a usable map instead?"
gellaho
Somebody doesn't know how big Florida is
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
In reality this is just Marcies dad having signed up for and ARG where he does spy shit.
disculpa mi tulpa
if you could tell me which county, no? just southern florida? huh
FancyShark
"Do you want me to dispose of the map with only one mark on it?"
"No. Bring it with. We only have five."
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Frank and Joe are played by Michael Douglas in this one.
gellaho
I think there are other records besides your files, but sure
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
The map is 12 feet by 8 feet fully unrolled
Velo
"Okay but what if instead of the messenger you just sent your representative?"