Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
and no pacing, it's just constant peril and betrayal and escape
119: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #12: Perfect Getaway Franklin W. Dixon
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A vacation from th law is always costly.
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P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
wait, this was actually foreshadowed
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
by the steaks
gellaho
Well, back to the compound
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
I just want this book to end like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid did, with Joe and Frank dying in a shootout with a South American military.
gellaho
Got like four pages left, somehow
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
So why not just shoot them both and dump them in the jungle?
FancyShark
Final page is them getting shot in the back of the head and the ghost writer flipping off the publisher
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Why take them back to the crater where the ranch used to be?
gellaho
Jesus Christ
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
IF YOU DONT NEED TROUBLE HERE YOU SHOULD HAVE NOT BROUGHT THEM BACK THERE!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
ugh ok what are the last words that somehow save them
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
This one is on you!
gellaho
There goes the nuke
FancyShark
"Just two: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"
Brendan!™
There is no goddamn way they are going to knock a THIRD gun out of his hands in a chapter
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Don't do it, chief! The Hardy Boys are cursed!
Brendan!™
Knocked out by proxy
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Fortunate Son starts playing as the Delta operators rope in./
The Black Hawk door gunner opens up with the minigun.
gellaho
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"just to suffer?"
gellaho
Good lord
FancyShark
hahahahahahahaha
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Starring Michael Douglas Twice, Sean Connery, Willem Dafoe, Kid Rock, and Directed By Hideo Kojima.
FancyShark
This is so dark
gellaho
Joe burning it all down
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Remember to twist it a little so it really cleans out the inside of the ear, Joe.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
and dana carvey as george bush
FancyShark
I like that it was a ranch house
Velo
We're just going to kick all this ass offscreen, huh?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
so joe prepared more explosions to go off a while after the first explosions, is that the idea?
disculpa mi tulpa
for kids that won't use guns they sure threaten people with guns a lot
gellaho
What is happening
Velo
I think Joe is past the point of not using guns
FancyShark
Now these soldiers betray them and Dimitri shows up with another gun
gellaho
There goes the gun again
GDC's Quivering Thews
Helicopter ex machina
Velo
Joe has gone full Max Payne
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
"You dipshits dont have to use your ass Spanish, we're American. See the stars and stripes on the tail?"
GDC's Quivering Thews
Wait, I mean deus ex helicopter
Velo
"Hola."
gellaho
Since when does Fenton have access to a private military
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Since when does he not?
Velo
"Ice cream!"
FancyShark
This is Fenton's wackiest prank yet
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
My Judo sensei used to talk about all the bar fights he got into in the 60's, then stop himself and say "don't fight" - that's the Hardy Boys and guns
GDC's Quivering Thews
Fenton was consulting at an eastern European CIA Black site, it took him a while to get here
Velo
"I thought I was going to get to rescue you this time but it looks like I'm a little- JESUS CHRIST"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
I kind of always assumed Fenton had a network of spies and wetwork operators for when he needs to do things internationally.
gellaho
"I thought it'd be fun!"
Velo
"That man has no skull!"
"Yeah. Yeah I have that now."
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Like every one of these dudes in the helis looks like the shady spec ops guys in Silcario.
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Velo
"These twelve have been shot in the head."
"They killed themselves by not letting my train escape work."
FancyShark
jesus, Joe. I think the universe blew up all those women to punish you for this
GDC's Quivering Thews
Fenton has underlings to clean up the human remains his son exploded
disculpa mi tulpa
hahaha I blew everything up, ain't I a card?
gellaho
You're kind of a sad sack of a leader Juan
GDC's Quivering Thews
They couldn't move against the compound until Fenton authorized the arms sale
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
They shut down a dude whos evil plan was "Kidnap American white collar criminals for slave labor."
FancyShark
"We will summarily execute all officers below lieutenant rank."
"As punishment?"
"Or celebration. Whichever."
Velo
"This one's been disembowled."
"Igor didn't need all those guts just to be a coward."
"What the fuck?!"
gellaho
Speaking of dynamite, any more surprises, Joe?
gellaho
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"Guys, $1 is enough to retire on, here"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Meanwhile the local bandit guerilla population continues to grow, but whatever.
Velo
Joe fixed that too
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
The jaguar went unpunished
disculpa mi tulpa
the Hardy boys failed to address the sytemic causes behind white collar slavery
Velo
There's not a local population here anymore
gellaho
They killed my wife, but I still didn't really feel like doing anything
disculpa mi tulpa
Imma let you finish
all this strife cost the life of my wife
FancyShark
"We don't. But we do have enough bullets and very lax laws."
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
He respects the chain of command, at least
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
The general doesnt tell them that the raid was a reprisal for when the general ordered a hundred men buried alive for being suspected communist sympathizers and subsequently set fire to a Catholic church.
gellaho
The important Christmas crooks
gellaho
Velo
"Haha! That's great! And I've learned more spanish! Tu eres de nada, generalicimo!"
disculpa mi tulpa
The general smiled. "Oh we don't need jail cells. We're already digging a mass grave!"
FancyShark
Krampus got away. That sneaky son of a bitch
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Santa is the ringleader!
disculpa mi tulpa
they forgot to buy presents for all Joe's ladiesa
Velo
It's been Christmas this whole time?!
Is this a Christmas Special?!
gellaho
And we end without following up with Marcie or her dad
Velo
What the fuck is happening?!
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
They can give Joes lady friends the pins from used hand grenades, girls love rings.
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"MEEEEERRRYYY CHRISTMAS" as human meat burns in the debris
disculpa mi tulpa
fuck Marcie's dad I guess
Velo
Fuck you Marcie you snitch
Your dad's going to die in prison
disculpa mi tulpa
I hope they kept some money
FancyShark
As the carnage fades and the smoke rises into the air, we dissolve back to Linus.
"And that's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown"
"Linus, you sick fuck"
disculpa mi tulpa
motherfucking hardy boys need to get paid
Velo
No but they did keep some men
gellaho
We have defeated The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #12: Perfect Getaway
disculpa mi tulpa
and pants
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
I dont think theres a single person grateful that Frank and Joe arent dead in a jungle.
FancyShark
We did it!
disculpa mi tulpa
that jaguar might have regretted eating them
Brendan!™
There is a trail of violence gouged into this nation's landscape and Frank's fingerprints are on a dozen guns mileposting it.
FancyShark
Thank you, @gellaho !
Velo
Thank you @gellaho !
GDC's Quivering Thews
That was a rollercoaster. Thanks everyone.
Velo
I have no idea what just happened
FancyShark
Great riffing, everyone!
Sorry for the horrible factoid, @Brendan!™ !
gellaho
So concludes the 119th Edition of The Book Cage
Velo
Joe has an ear necklace
disculpa mi tulpa
we are all lesser for having survived it. thanks!
GDC's Quivering Thews
Joe finally got to blow someone else up for a change.
Brendan!™
Thanks for killing jaguars with us, gellaho.
gellaho
These are supposed to be the short ones
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Thanks @gellaho
Velo
I think you could skip every other page in this book and it would make exactly as much sense, but it would be unhotdog to look away from this madness
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
I missed the first half and it may have been better for it
Brendan!™
It was really three books.
FancyShark
Have a good night, everyone!
Velo
There were a few books for kids in the 90s that had started as point and click games but the game never happened so they just used the text for a book instead
This could be one of those but much earlier
Velo
Have a good night, Shark!