Velo
Also Frank is back on his noire shit
119: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #12: Perfect Getaway Franklin W. Dixon
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A vacation from th law is always costly.
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FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Some of them will resist, naturally. Or at least Frank hopes they will.
Brendan!™
These guys are going to have permanent hearing damage in ten minutes.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"yeah gimme your last names boys! I want them middle initials too!"
Velo
Yes! The most dangerous game!
Brendan!™
The Hardys are a lot more thuggish in this one.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
wait what the fuck this guy saw an ad for adventurers?
did I write this shit?
Velo
Not more sluggish than when they terrorized George Swell for no reason
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
sexual adventurers
GDC's Quivering Thews
These guys are pretty dense not to immediately catch on that they're human traffickers
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
He has a subscription to Soldier of Fortune, I assume.
FancyShark
WHAT
gellaho
All this threatening and disrobing has really tuckered me out
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Jesus Frank you even stole his WATCH?!
Velo
"Give me your pants!"
"Okay, jesus, just calm down."
"... your dick's weird."
FancyShark
"Goddammit, is that a notebook?"
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
this book is quietly very insane
GDC's Quivering Thews
Mike and Dave were oddly excited at the prospect of being tied up and gagged
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
The HARDY BOYS: Pants' collectors
gellaho
You should probably keep the gun
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Frank Hardy 🤝 Viet Cong, stealing the watches of prisoners.
Velo
"Whatever dude, sure, yeah, my dick's weird and- wait. Why does it look like your boxers are full of angry spaghetti?!"
"That's it, you're getting thrown in the sea."
gellaho
JOE SMASH
Brendan!™
Note from the editor "Great first draft, Steve, but you have the Hardys carrying a gun in every scene, which feels off-brand, and also resolves everything in 16 pages."
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"Guns make it... too easy"
Velo
Joe you're at sea. Everything is life or death at sea.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Its.......NOT life and death? Youre on a boat with a group of men who have guns and are ready to murder you.
GDC's Quivering Thews
Fenton saw the look in Joes eyes the first time he held a gun and knew he could never let it happen again
gellaho
Seems like a very secretive location with the giant crane
FancyShark
It's literally the only reason Carnival Cruise is still in business
Velo
You are on a small, fragile float of survival surrounded by vast, cold death, Joe.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Also Fenton should have told you both about proper storage of firearms, you dont just toss it under the bed, FRANK!
NOT EVEN IF ITS REALLY SNUG UNDER THE MATTRESS, FRANK!
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"That also describes the Earth, Frank"
Velo
YES DANGERGOUS GAME
disculpa mi tulpa
tiger tiger tiger
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Forklifts?
Velo
Forklifts are the penultimate dangerous game
gellaho
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Did Frank and Joe get taken to some libertarian assholes Carribbean Dubai?
gellaho
I guess Dave and Mike have clone names now
Velo
The top four most dangerous games are, in order:
Wolves, 3. Tigers, 2. Forklifts, 1. Man
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Are we going to find out that the arch villain in this one is a day trader named Chet who is really into seasteading?
Vooster
Hi everyone. Just wanted to pop in and remind you that forklifts are the sexiest vehicle
And I'm off!
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Theyre fun to drive!
Always drive the forklift if you get a chance.
FancyShark
Later, @Vooster ! Hope you get home safe and soon!
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Certification is for chickens.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
how big is this organisation
Velo
Massive
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
7 daves and 11 mikes?
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Hop on, raise the forks to about head height, and fucking GUN IT.
gellaho
This is a strange book. Off to the jungle train
Velo
It has to be, in order to trap the most dangerous game
We'll be eating long pork tonight, gentlemen
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
why wouldn't the train be real
👽⭐ Raccoon donut disease Mo
okay, that's why I have this note. Boundaries. Got it.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
"Why is "DEFINITELY NOT SLAVE LABOR CAMP EXPRESS!" printed on the side of the train?"
disculpa mi tulpa
that's a tiger train
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
The criminal thing started once they had too many employess to qualify as a small business, and itsnowballed from there
FancyShark
...no reason
gellaho
This seems like a lot of unnecessary work
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
so you guys reckon Marcie's dad is guilty?
Velo
"You're asking a lot of questions that should be answered by the printing on the side of the train."
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Our definitely not a slave train sign is bringing up a lot of questions answered by the sign.
Velo
Who
gellaho
Back to slaves for a second, for the kids
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I know, that was so many naked criminals ago
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Probably framed to get his sweet sweet middle aged white man labor down here in the jungle.
Velo
Does she have a weird dick
Or is she a non-criminal
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
There is a sign on the train that says "Stop asking questions about the sign on the train"
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Joe accidentally calling escaped slaves criminals
gellaho
This is still somewhere on planet Earth
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Questions You Dont Ask A Lady, Volume 3.
Velo
... Frank you know that wasn't an actual railroad, right?
disculpa mi tulpa
in the Tarantino noir version, the Chief will be played by Leonard DiCaprio
Velo
There wasn't the polar express freeing slaves at night
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"Is it weird that I want to get his pants off?"
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
quick knock him out and take his train clothes
gellaho
This is a book for children
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
You know what? Good for this criminal organization, a train is the most efficient, safe, and economical way to move people.
FancyShark
"We wanted to call it Doom Train, but that didn't end well"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
What little countries?
Most countries in South America are pretty big.
Brazil is huge.
FancyShark
Wait
Ferroday is a woman, too!
we are one giant robot away from this being a stolen Metal Gear plotline
FancyShark
Countries don't work like that
Velo
You know, the little ones
Yes they do
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
CENTRAL America, thank you very much
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
I knew it was some libertarian shithead.
Velo
Yeah, you know, Belize, Guatemala, El Savador, Honduras, Nicaragua, Costa Rica, and Panama. All those countries you know without looking them up.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Doing some Silvercorp shit, just as likely to end up face down in his own piss.
gellaho
Sounds like it's worth $75000
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Paintings of Ronald Reagan on all the walls
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Fun Sausage Fact: One of my half sisters lives in Costa Rica.
Its really nice there.
gellaho
I'm sure this is a good guy
disculpa mi tulpa
a couple of wise-crackers, eh? why I oughta
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"Orientation speech? You mean when he said 'It's not gay when we're under way'?"
Velo
I love you Dimitri
Kill them please
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
This seems like a really roundabout way to build a libertarian sex cult.
gellaho
Almost none of those concepts line up
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
But a good one, you are charging them for it, after all.
disculpa mi tulpa
"But I think they fuck those guns. They fuck em real good."
FancyShark
Bandits, those people you hire
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Honestly, its the first realistic detail in the book, youd absolutely pay off the local gang warlord to operate your..........whatever the fuck this is.
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"Bandit Gorillas!?"
gellaho
The ultimate communication device: Frank's modem
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
this is just the story of the hardy boys realising that the true darkness of the world is more than two teen detectives can handle
disculpa mi tulpa
MacAfee's fever dream
gellaho
Thanks.
FancyShark
All this because Frank has the Gray Man's contact page bookmarked and not memorized
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Trust me, everyone in the US government knows about this. Its the 80s, the CIA probably buys crack from those gangs.
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
CIA was PISSED to learn someone was already supplying those guys
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"where do you get your pork?"
"We don't have any."
"This place sucks."
just amusing myself
Velo
"We only have long pork here."
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Theres at least ONE skinny white dude in aviators, khakis, and an office shirt somewhere around here who can get you crates of LSD and guns, and wont ask questions about why you need them.
gellaho
This is an immensely complicated scheme
gellaho
disculpa mi tulpa
Frank in 20 years
GDC's Quivering Thews
That's still cheaper than rent in Toronto.
Brendan!™
*produces **for
disculpa mi tulpa
That's the Big House. We call it the Big House because it's big.
Velo
"Once we build up this nation enough for it to have an insurance industry, I'm going to burn it all down and collect millions."
disculpa mi tulpa
oh shit, they built a Hotel California
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"Hey Frank I bet that's where they're keeping Marcie's dad!"
"Marcie's dad got arrested. he's in jail."
"Oh. Why are we here?"
GDC's Quivering Thews
Yeah I'm not clear on that either.
gellaho
My complex plan to staff my exotic ranch with out of shape, middle-aged rich dudes
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
If all this is in cash how do they expect people to do anything in the middle of the damn jungle? You cant exactly wire your Swiss account and have a literal truckload of cash flown in.
Velo
"Marcie found a bag in her house."
"Right."
"And you were doing a detective bit."
"Yeah I remember that."
"Then we worked out."
"Right that wasn't a sex thing."
"Then we accidentally used our real names and got put in the cellar, which existed."
"Yeah I remember that."
Brendan!™
Why do the underclass not simply eat cake instead of hacking at soil?
disculpa mi tulpa
I.O.U.'s
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
there is something very funny about abducting a bunch of white collar criminals and making them earn their keep with manual labor
gellaho
And gaslighting them for whatever reason
FancyShark
So far all I'm seeing is a for-profit prison where the prisoners come in by choice
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
This is a real hassle to get a couple hundred thousand dollars per head from paunchy white American CEOS and making them your slaves to build a...........raaaaaaaaaaaaailroaaaaaad?
Velo
"Then we were on a boat."
"A boat full of people with weird dicks."
"Sure. And we tried to drug Igor but he outsmarted us."
"Yes."
"And then we saw a no trespassing sign on the boat so we trespassed."
"Right."
"And then I killed Sam."
"That checks out."
"And now we're here."
disculpa mi tulpa
two first name guy is back!
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
I really question how profitable this enterprise could possibly be.
Like......just make cocaine?
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Disneyland?
gellaho
Still not clear on the endgame
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Cut out the reverse human trafficking and just use your network to smuggle cocaine INTO America.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
but once they kidnap enough crooked accountants to get the dairy farm up and running, they'll be making so much money in the milk market
GDC's Quivering Thews
Finally we have Jaguar
Velo
I'm not sure how you can steal millions from the stock market, it's... kind of a market, not a physical thing, but okay
He physically grabbed those stock moneys and ran out without paying
gellaho
It's a fun book for kids
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"This... paradise... exists soley to get into accidental jaguar fights..."
disculpa mi tulpa
that's the reason why he was being indicted. It's basically retail theft not white collar crime.
Brendan!™
Will no one rescue our filthy rich from their paradise resort
FancyShark
ew
Margarine
Velo
Is she Joe's girlfriend?
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Not even the good kind, the store brand.
Velo
The one that exploded?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"yay, meat on sunday!"
GDC's Quivering Thews
Guys, just exploit migrant labor like everyone else.
Brendan!™
Now it's called plant butter and it costs $9
disculpa mi tulpa
yeah, but can we do this now? I have a list
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Its very funny the ghost writer thinks this is how human trafficking could or would work.
Imagine if Taken was just Liam Neeson trying to rescue a fat white CEO before he gets sold into sex slavery in Croatia.
gellaho
This does not clarify anything
FancyShark
Gotta admire their committment to the kayfabe
Velo
In central america these are migrants
gellaho
Human screams, probably nothing
disculpa mi tulpa
Chief is feeding Dmitri to his dogs
FancyShark
It's probably the new X-treme Thyrst Quencher from the makers of Mountain Dew
gellaho
It's probably fine
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"They came for the jaguar fights, the railroad is an excuse to be in the jungle... with backs turned"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Frank and Joe need to learn the first rule of Surviving Slavery: Mind Your Own Business, Do Not Investigate Screams.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I think you'll find Frank and Joe are currently slavers, not slaves
gellaho
Just Igor being tortured
gellaho
In this book for children
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Ohhh noooooo, the knife wielding maniac from the boat is getting tortured!
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
American children
"What do we do???"
"Um, take their pants and leave?"
gellaho
Giving him all the windex
Velo
He might be a knife wielding maniac we only met for three pages on the boat once, but damn it he's our knife wielding maniac we only met for three pages on the boat once!
FancyShark
"No one drugs Igor but us!"
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Poor guy, 10 more years and he would have been a comfy oligarch
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
I love when a villain is called something like "The chief" and you can imagine them with a big ass belt buckle and a "western" accent.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"Wow Frank, that sure was quite a caper we went on this time! Let's never ever speak of it."
gellaho
Help me kill this man, kids
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
The man reeks of bolo ties and a hat he doesnt know how to wear right.
YESSSSSSSS BE COMPLICIT IN THE CRIMES FRANK!
Its not like you werent asked to come here and have no legal authority and are prosecutable for your actions, Frank.
Velo
This is what you get for your weird monologues, Frank
FancyShark
Frank is going to live out every dark fantasy
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Frank. Igor has very plier-able teeth, Frank.
gellaho
Extreme like crazy, crazy like fox, fox like rabid, rabid like cruel
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Ten wiggling little toes, Frank. They look so nice, and theres a blowtorch right there, Frank.
disculpa mi tulpa
cruel like extreme, infinite loop
Brendan!™
The chief was crazy like a fox whose rabies made it as cruel as a man.
GDC's Quivering Thews
Joe has found a new person to idolize
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Hes holding out on you, Frank. Nobody holds out after a few seconds with the blowtorch, Frank.
gellaho
You know, chrome and marble. That thing you see all the time
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
his cruelty was matched only by his madness
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
The Caddillac of desks.
Brendan!™
RIP Igor. Today, Russia lost one of its rising star oligarchs
FancyShark
Chrome and marble, the most tacky way to say you torture people
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
lol an ultramodern office but with a mounted head
GDC's Quivering Thews
The drinking cup made out of a human skull was another red flag
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
It could be gold.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
gellaho
Well, Joe's armed again. And they decide to torment Igor some more
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
jesus christ Hardys
disculpa mi tulpa
ha, fuck you Igor, pay us
Ferroday is a woman, too!
this whole thing has read like someone skimmed Heart of Darkness and thought it'd make a good hardy boys slashfic
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
you ever hear that one saying? "When you sit down to dinner with 11 nazis, there's 12 nazis at that table."
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Huh its just really fortunate that this criminal network happens to be the only one where nobody ever communicates, so its like a fucking Tenchu level where you can kill a dozen guys and ten feet later nobody suspects a thing.
gellaho
You almost just helped kill me, let me tell you all about the multiple bank accounts I kept secret
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
SEE FRANK! I TOLD YOU HE WAS HOLDING OUT! THE BLOWTORCH, FRANK!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
meanwhile back at that big old mansion in florida: "hey did you ever take the Hardys out to the swamp and kill them?"
"The who?"
Velo
Frank, listen. People only need the outside toes.
gellaho
Forgot to do the elaborate circus act to find the bugs this time
Velo
Three on each foot, just pop them right off with a pair of pliers or your favorite wrench
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
"You see, boys, my real name isnt Igor, its Marko. I defected to the US with a secret shubmarine. Thatsh right boysh, Im played by Sean Connery."
Velo
"Oh if only we didn't insist on absolutely no communication for no reason!"
Brendan!™
Do we know for a fact that the Chief isn't Dubya?
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"Chief, if the rest of this adventure has been any indication, we'll be wearing your fine pants soon"
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
these criminals are stupid even when they're smart
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Played by Willem Dafoe.
gellaho
The Chief decides to do some lassoing with the Hardys
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Well this didnt take a weird turn at all, just an older man lassoing some twinks.
Ferroday is a woman, too!
I'm willing to bet money the only reason he's called "the chief" is because the writer ran out of bland names to call people
GDC's Quivering Thews
This ghostwriter has a thing with rope play
gellaho
A fun adventure for the whole family
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"Month of sundays" is very English
GDC's Quivering Thews
In the first draft he was an offensive native American stereotype
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Just a fun pastime out west, lassoing teen boys in your remote ranch\compound.
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
:Traxxine:
Velo
Finally, the dangerous game!
Brendan!™
He just wants to see a little spunk!
gellaho
Joe is immediately roped
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I can't stress enough how unrelated this is to the crime they wre hired to solve
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Look, Chief, this isnt kink shaming, but I dont think building your own country so you can not have age of consent laws really changes the ethics of nonconsensually lassoing, hog tying, and branding teenage boys.
gellaho
But, 'twas Joe's plan to straddle the chief
disculpa mi tulpa
yes because he is used to lassoing cattle, which pull much less
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Huh turns out Joe is a power bottom.
Brendan!™
I think the author is playing a game with the editor.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I think he's used to lassoing millionaires
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Also when you lasso cattle, author..........you tie one end of the rope to the horn of your saddle, so the horse is also pulling.
gellaho
Editor?
GDC's Quivering Thews
The ghostwriter is typing with one hand.
gellaho
Joe threatens to go off at any moment
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
the other hand is lassoing cattle
GDC's Quivering Thews
That's an interesting euphemism
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Just a fun little roping fact from me to you, thats kind of why lassoing a thousand pound steer even begins to work.
also SHOOT HIM JOE! SATIATE THE DARK PASSENGER! FEEL CORDITES BLESSED KISS!
Brendan!™
COME ON THIS IS BLATANT
GDC's Quivering Thews
They're going to drag the chief inside, steal his pants and make it look like autoerotic asphyxiation
Brendan!™
The author got high and decided to entertain himself with a silly little game, daring anyone of the time to notice.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
GUNPOWDER IS LIKE INSCENSE JOE! ITS PLEASING TO THE GODS, JOE.
gellaho
Get everything together for an escape immediately
gellaho
disculpa mi tulpa
great, load em up on a train, always works out
GDC's Quivering Thews
Nothing ominous about packing prisoners into boxcars
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"Make sure it's fully stocked with Coors Light"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Just a cool ventilated boxcar packed full of maybe a hundred men for a couple days as it speeds thru a tropical climate. Nothing bad could ever happen.
Brendan!™
Turns out I like "indenture and overwork the rich while taxing them" even more than my most reasonable demand.
gellaho
Dundundun
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Nobody ever got a poop disease from being in a boxcar with too many people for days on end.