119: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #12: Perfect Getaway Franklin W. Dixon

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"Great news, Marcie! We defeated the Chief, unmasked Perfect Getaway and dismantled the whole human trafficking network!"

"What?"

Velo

"You'll never fit on the boat!"

"I'M DRIVING THIS TRAIN INTO THE SEA!"

disculpa mi tulpa

I'm pretty much on board for this scheme too. Frank and JOe are the villains here.

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Hahahahah fuck you, Ghost Writer, dont pretend like you remembered the original plot.

gellaho

Let me tell you all my crimes, because the last three times I told you my secrets it worked out well

Velo

"Did you find my dad?"

"No he's still in jail."

disculpa mi tulpa

I said he fucking did it

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

You really CANT trust a South American man with a suspiciously German name!

FancyShark

This man sullies the otherwise untarnished name of Adolf

gellaho

This is a great idea

FancyShark

"Yessir. Definitely touching my GUN."

GDC's Quivering Thews

Joe's been practicing his pocket draws in the mirror.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Blows his weird dick off

Velo

"Also I told Perfect Getaway LLC. to call his home repeatedly."

"Why?"

"I dunno, was feeling kind of mischievous"

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Joe still played by Michael Douglas but its a Michael Douglas doing a Gene Wilder from See No Evil, Hear No Evil.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

the Hardys did not deserve that win

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Chief: "Come on! It's Ayn Rand wonderland! We were literally BUILDING A NATION WITH OUR OWN HANDS!!!"

gellaho

This is quite possibly the most incompetent fictional organization I've ever seen

Brendan!™

Enough time for the Hardys to knock out every one of them and take their clothes.

disculpa mi tulpa

very employable teen detectives

Brendan!™

This train is the boat of the jungle.

Velo

The ghost writer realized how long they had wasted on florida cellars and boat hijinks and they're running out of pages

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

THEY ARE LIABILITIES JOE. PULL THE TRIGGER JOE. JUST ONE TAP EACH.

gellaho

"Choo! Choo!" thought Joe

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

MAKE YOUR SACRIFICE TO THE THIRSTING ONES JOE.

GDC's Quivering Thews

I only understand casey Jones as a ninja turtles reference.

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

THE STINK OF HOT LEAD IS AS PERFUME TO THEM.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

same

Velo

"Frank you know that's an ominous thing to call someone who's driving a train, right?"

disculpa mi tulpa

I know the Grateful Dead reference and assume it goes back further

Velo

Casey Jones was a train engineer who died of train

gellaho

I can't believe this flawless plan didn't work

FancyShark

oh dear

GASP!

CHET?!

Velo

A very Casey Jones moment

disculpa mi tulpa

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"Dad?"

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Just shoot Dimitri, Joe.

Hes right there where you can see him like an asshole.

Velo

Joe

Joe trains are stronger than trees

gellaho

"There's only one boat in the entire world, how did you get here?"

Velo

It's not great but

Fuck it

Not your train, not your problem

Brendan!™

Well they gave him his orders, in arena movediza,

said Frank, you're way behind time//

disculpa mi tulpa

Alex is MI-6

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"I took a plane idiot"

Brendan!™

This is not Key West, this is somewhere in nicaragua, put 'er into Bayport on time

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

The Hardy Boys lack object permanence. They're surprised to see everyone.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"METAL GEAR!?? It can't be!"

Brendan!™

Alex was in a cardboard box for eleven days

gellaho

"We spend so much money on envelopes!"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

talking horse sense?

FancyShark

The chief must be related to Sam

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"Actions have consequences?????"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I don't even get why we have to explain this shit

Velo

WHY WAS THIS THE PLAN

gellaho

The Chief puts them in an Easy Bake Oven

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

So literally all the security measures were pointless because you had a fucking SAFE with your phone number in it?! You fucking asshole.

disculpa mi tulpa

I just hope there's several more sealed envelopes involved

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

You could have just let them have radios.

This could have ended a long time ago.

disculpa mi tulpa

they could have put the radios in sealed envelopes

Velo

YOU COULD HAVE CHUCKED THEM INTO THE SEA

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Fun fact: humans at rest emit 100 watts of heat

so it's a 700-Watt room

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

DRINK EACH OTHERS SWEAT AND DIE YOU FUCKS.

gellaho

Joe does some more acrobatics to destroy the light bulb

GDC's Quivering Thews

Good thing the chief relied on world war 2 uboat security rules

disculpa mi tulpa

wait, we might get in trouble

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Yeah wait, you can slit your wrists with the jagged glass from the bulb, so make sure not to smash it too small.

gellaho

This is a weird book

FancyShark

Okay, yeah. Brendan's onto something with the author playing a game

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Fuck.........fuck you, book.

GDC's Quivering Thews

Hot welcome sounds like it has an urban dictionary entry.

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Its like a Cleveland Steamer but involves suprise and a catapult.

gellaho

It's one lightbulb

GDC's Quivering Thews

How many hardy boys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

This Bond villain reject tried to murder 2 teen boys with a shiny light

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Its not even that big of a lightbulb.

gellaho

I can see why this took hours

Brendan!™

So the plan to not break radio silence was to write down a phone number instead of memorize it, then call days later from land, do i have that right?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

"You realize we put you two in there to die, right? And that pretending youre injured is fundamentally stupid and shouldnt work?"

disculpa mi tulpa

yeah but if only one of them is hurt, they have to come in. it's a solid plan!

gellaho

Some electrocution for the kids

gellaho

GDC's Quivering Thews

'we rigged the lightbulb to shower you in glass shards'

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Its like how ballistic missile subs have written launch orders for if they cant contact the government, but dumber and more pointless.

gellaho

They are now shirtless

FancyShark

hahaha, jesus

GDC's Quivering Thews

Did the guard have bare feet? Was he standing in a puddle?

FancyShark

You are gagging a corpse

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

I like how they wont shoot someone dead but will stop that guards heart with a Home Alone trap.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

And gag them with sweat-soaked shirts

Brendan!™

Guards are enemy combatants.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"Hardy-boarding"

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Honestly, having been electrocuted once, it fucking hurts. Id take the sweet kiss of Madame Pb anytime.

GDC's Quivering Thews

The boys tried to ignore the barbecue like smells coming from the guard

Velo

We don't judge how you have fun

gellaho

Lounge and Armory

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Yes, it's like being punched in all your muscles, really hard

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Hey thats all three of the rooms they need in one convenient corridor! What a great procgen roll!

GDC's Quivering Thews

Frank is way too excited about communications.

gellaho

Fucking weird, ghostwriter

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

I swear I thought I felt my bones vibrate.

Velo

Frank needs to telegram some very unwanted pictures

disculpa mi tulpa

SANTA IS REAL KIDS OKAY

Velo

I don't think this ghost writer speaks english

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

SANTA BABY, WEAR YOUR SEXY SWIMSUIT TONIIIIIIIITE!

Velo

At this point it's the only explanation

gellaho

Jesus Christ

Velo

"Joe why's your dick weird?"

FancyShark

lol

The dark passenger is awake

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Terrorist: "1980's M-16's? Pass"

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

At the very least it should be Armalites.

Velo

We're going out Scarface style

gellaho

Frank's cheating on his home computer with two PCs at the same time

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Also what a baby ass armory, just M-16s and FMJ?

FancyShark

It's password, Frank

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

The average gun guy in America has a SAW on his wall.

FancyShark

These idiots would never set a real password

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

It's "FREEDOM" all caps

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Remember, kids, if its made before 85, its legal.

gellaho

Well, Joe's ready to kill everyone

FancyShark

"ENVELOPE"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"I'm gonna use every trick I know!" he declared. A-D-M-I-N, he typed

"your kung fu is not strong!"

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"CHIEF!"

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Joe.........did you just decide to randomly explode literally ALL THE GODDAM EVIDENCE?!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"hello!"

GDC's Quivering Thews

Frank should know better than to leave Joe unsupervised with plastic explosives

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Im not sure this holds up in court if the entire compound goes up in a mysterious Hardy related explosion.

gellaho

The understanding of writers vis-a-vis passwords is always strange

FancyShark

For once, Joe gets to decide who explodes. And he LIKES it.

Velo

Fuck it, we're blowing this all up.

"This is for you, Margarine!" Joe shouts as the carbombs go off

disculpa mi tulpa

Oh god the chief is Kid Rock

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

My undergrad university had these internet kiosks you had to log into, or you could just alt-tab out of the fullscreened browser and open the Windows browser

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Played by himself.

GDC's Quivering Thews

The password wasn't BAWITABA

gellaho

The Chief just really wanted some of Clint Eastwood's underwear

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

John Wayne's

FancyShark

And the complete set of Rawhide goes unsold for another day

gellaho

I bet, ghostwriter

disculpa mi tulpa

oh come on

that's bait

Velo

"I could only find one horse."

"Why are your pants off?"

"I could only find one horse."

gellaho

Haha, everyone is dead

FancyShark

hahaha

They have fun

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Age-appropriate massacre

GDC's Quivering Thews

Haha they looked back at the explosion, losers

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Hey Joe, remember how you guys had a pretty defensible location and there isnt a single place in the western hemisphere that isnt a pretty short flight from an American military base? Sure is great you left that because you set it to blow up.

gellaho

Are we having fun kids? Why are you crying?

FancyShark

hahahahahahahaha

Jesus fucking Christ

Brendan!™

Fatbombs

FancyShark

Why not tell the kids how calves born in the winter sometimes tear themselves in half when the afterbirth freezes to the ground?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Oh thats basically the first thing you learn about horses if you grow up on fantasy novels. Horses are dumb, if pigs werent so low to the ground and ornery wed ride those.

Brendan!™

Frank is playing off A-Team physics.

gellaho

Meow

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Fuckin horses, they're so stupid they run on modified fingers.

FancyShark

FINALLY

Velo

"It was a good cause, kid. Now you run off, you be free, find your place out there." Joe said, lighting one of Frank's clove cigarettes. "No, you can't come with us, kid. You belong here. Where we come from... it's no place for you."

disculpa mi tulpa

we killed a lot of horses in kids entertainment in the 80s

THERE IT IS

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Fuck yes, I wasnt sure it would happen.

disculpa mi tulpa

Its eyes flicked from Joe to Frank and back again, and then it fucked off after the sweaty horse it could smell

Brendan!™

Jesus Christ

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

EAT THOSE BOYS LIKE THEYRE SLIGHTLY CONCUSSED ALLIGATORS MR JAGUAR!

Brendan!™

A perfect getaway.

Velo

"Are you stealing my bit to do a casa blanca with a horse and- JAGUAR!"

Brendan!™

Give me back my cartoon.

FancyShark

Sorry

gellaho

A narrow escape

GDC's Quivering Thews

This ghostwriter is actually Cormac McCarthy during his lean years.

disculpa mi tulpa

cow and chicken?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

I hope the horse comes back and has a gun and shoots the Jaguar and nods at them and says "Now we're even for that time in Paraguay."

And the horse is played by Antonio Banderas.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"today I repay my debt"

disculpa mi tulpa

buenos tardes amigos

gellaho

He seems friendly

FancyShark

Or was it?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Tell me you dont know how to raise crops without saying you dont know how to raise crops.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Pants are the main descriptor in this book

gellaho

Less friendly

disculpa mi tulpa

in america we plough the fields with automatic gun fire

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

What is a South American farmer to do when 30-50 feral hogs rush into his yard>

disculpa mi tulpa

and we sow seeds with shotguns

fuck yeah

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

"Hey wait why does Frank get the shibari knots?!"

Velo

"Hola! Yo soy un peligroso!"

gellaho

Oh, Frank. You'll have so much more practice than you could ever imagine

disculpa mi tulpa

Velo

Joe shouted ,reading from the cigarette packaging

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

So youre just going to leave that guy for the jaguar?

Velo

YEs

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"no, no, uhhhh, soy amigos... comprende?"

gellaho

There certainly aren't any large cats in the area that might eat this man

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

His coca leaves will go unharvested, his children will starve.

Velo

MEH

If he was important he would have a name

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

ALSO JAGUARS ARE LITERALLY AN ENDAGERED SPECIES FRANK!

gellaho

As soon as they get to a path they immediately lose the gun

disculpa mi tulpa

in Florida

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

FRANK! IT DOESNT MATTER WHERE YOU ARE!

FancyShark

Not in this fake country!

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

God rips a bong: "I love these kids"

Velo

Who are his kids going to miss, their nameless father?

Brendan!™

Guns aimed at Hardys in this book: 9

Guns knocked out of assailant's hands by Hardys: 11

GDC's Quivering Thews

Guns used as pointing devices: yes

disculpa mi tulpa

guns used to gesture or point: 22

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Your fucking dad was a fucking dumbass, Joe, and he hates America and our freedoms.

gellaho

Not then.

Velo

Joe, your father made you, which makes him the greatest terrorist of our time

gellaho

Also technically not now

Brendan!™

Did they just go from rifle holdup to SAR holdup?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Oh hot damn!

FancyShark

Not since they discovered people were delicious

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Good news today.

Brendan!™

What is the POINT of solving a crisis with the same crisis?

FancyShark

Circle of life

Or recycling

Brendan!™

I hate the circle of life, it's stupid, all humans over 25 should be eaten by jaguars.

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Maybe Joe should ask himself "Why does my dad, a cop, hate American rights and the flexibility they bring to institutional public accountability?"

disculpa mi tulpa

sounds like a synopsis of comic book plots

gellaho

You know that huge facility in the jungle? Turns out, not great stuff happening there

disculpa mi tulpa

stupid tourist boysd

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

how can they explain how they got here by BEGINNING with the guy in the jungle

FancyShark

"Okay, to understand this, we need you to give us $150K"

gellaho

What does that even mean

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

that is the most recent thing that heppened

disculpa mi tulpa

sure gringos, whatever

FancyShark

They

They thought it was a new type of tree?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

"Actually we get this sort of shit all the time, its a real Jonestown every other week. We wish you American weirdos would find someplace else to export your weirdness and misery to."

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Officer: "Start at the end, and work your way backwards from there"

Velo

"You're either telling the truth or you're both having a stroke. So we'll check it out but first you're going to a hospital."

disculpa mi tulpa

they htought they were just making cocaine, didn't realize they were kidnapping rich people

gellaho

Yes, come on our raid, foreign teens

Velo

Oh right Marcie, this is all her fault

GDC's Quivering Thews

Joe gets to provide covering fire from the gunship

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Ive heard how loosey goosey they get down there, they are probably surprised Joe and Frank dont want to lead the raid and collect ears.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"sure, you're over 18 right? Or are you? Eh I don't care."

disculpa mi tulpa

oh sure, bring the teen american boys that you found wandering the jungle, reasonable

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"The helicopter"

Brendan!™

Igor offers them $4m to tell him their real names.

gellaho

Oh, thank Christ, they haven't snacked all book

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

If they catch a stray, they can just burn down the compound and never file a single piece of paperwork.

disculpa mi tulpa

that jaguar ate that horse

gellaho

MUST CONSUME

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Just saying.

Velo

Hah! He could eat a jaguar! Ha!

disculpa mi tulpa

after they had elevenses

Velo

It's funny you see

GDC's Quivering Thews

Don't ask what animal those steaks came from

FancyShark

"See, kids? Ice cream! It's a kids book!"

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

It was a capybara.

Thats capy steak.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

how is this remote jungle outpost stocked with filet mignons?

Velo

On account of the usual expressions being that you could eat a horse. But there's a jaguar in this story.

FancyShark

It says they are on the package

disculpa mi tulpa

there was a horse but it had a heart attack and the jaguar ate it.

gellaho

Oh, a corrupt Central American state? Who couldst have foreseen this betrayal!

Velo

This book refuses to end

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

there it is

FancyShark

I assume this was also an envelope-based betrayal