Brendan!™
Rachel, you forgot to switch out of your sock puppet account.
119: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #12: Perfect Getaway Franklin W. Dixon
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A vacation from th law is always costly.
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FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Shut up and tell them about their rum ration and how alternating Tuesdays and Thursdays are Lash\Sodomy day.
FancyShark
Captain HT Exposition
Velo
"There I go expositioning again. This is the new ship, after the last one was stoved by a whale."
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
we can't only have one horny weirdo
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"I had to check you out"
gellaho
Sam just does whatever the last person tells him to do
Velo
"All four other ships were stoved by whales."
Ferroday is a woman, too!
so far I'd rate this 0/10 because we're 6 chapters in and there's a startling lack of mauling by jaguar
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Nah the average boat doer is the horniest professional.
FancyShark
"Whales are common in these waters. They eat anything they can find. Normally, whales eat plankton or fish. But the ones here have a grudge since the Incident of 1922. That was when whale oil was in it's prime, you see. Whale oil was used as fuel and-"
"Let's kill this man."
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"and then that one ship was sunk by the horn of a giant narwhal"
Velo
I'm hoping for sea jaguars, but preparing myself for sea disappointment
gellaho
Weird
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Something about living in tight quarters with other humans and breathing their farts just drives people wild with desire.
Ferroday is a woman, too!
he finished what with his tie?!
Velo
"Aye that's just what the whales said."
FancyShark
"But I married one anyway."
Velo
"The sea gets lonely sometimes. And sometimes you find love in places ya didn't never expect it. And then that bitch stoved my ship again!"
Ferroday is a woman, too!
this ghost writer watched Top Gun and thought they could out-do the homoeroticism with a PG restriction
gellaho
Igor is their very special VIP
Brendan!™
So they switched out of their black suits into black suits without jackets.
FancyShark
"Now grab the harpoons, boys. We're finding my ex!"
"Dude, we're still tied to the dock. There's no engine."
Brendan!™
An Eastern European! Arrest him!
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Not locking your door on a cruise is a good way to get more than salmonella.
Brendan!™
The laws of the sea clearly state no Russians.
Velo
"Ya don't need engines where we're goin, boys!"
"To the future?"
"To the bottom of the sea!"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
"IGOR IS BULGARIAN! IGOR SWEARS!"
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"Or she would be my ex, if we had no-fault divorce laws on the sea!"
gellaho
Bring me your whitest and only white food
Ferroday is a woman, too!
"oh god I didn't realize Stockton Rush was heading this shindig"
disculpa mi tulpa
he'd have ordered crystal pepsi if they'd thought of it yet
Ferroday is a woman, too!
so just any diet soda will do?
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"I am so white"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Okay the chicken sammies, fine. I been there, sometime you dont want cheese. But DIET soda?!
Velo
"Bring me food as pale as I am!" shouted Igor, retreating to his cabin.
"Well we'll certainly never see him again." Joe decided
gellaho
Sam instructs the children to drug the man so they can go through his papers
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Cmon Comrade Igor, they didnt trade Pepsico those warships so you could drink DIET soda.
disculpa mi tulpa
remember the agent on the phone? Igor was the supervisor that approved the group rate
Velo
"We're killing Igor."
FancyShark
"It's cool. We do this every Friday."
Velo
"Your first duty aboard this ship is murder."
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Jokes on them Igor uses the diet soda to seduce dolphins.
Velo
Oh right this started with a bag of cash didn't it
I got sidetracked by our sea adventures
gellaho
Ah, can't believe that plan didn't work
Ferroday is a woman, too!
this whole adventure feels like it's been operating on Inception-level dream logic thus far
Brendan!™
Technically the bottom of the sea is our future.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
See? Told you. That lump is Igors latest paramour.
Velo
Die for your captain, Frank!
Brendan!™
And that chicken better not have skin or herbs!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Hardys, you are so bad at this
Ferroday is a woman, too!
I wonder if you got chatgpt to rewrite this book if it would be noticeably any different
FancyShark
Salt is for ethnic food only!
GDC's Quivering Thews
I mean if someone tried to poison me I might try to Die Hard my way off the ship too
Velo
It almost feels like Gellaho is hiding that this is a choose-your-own-adventure book
Brendan!™
See? You let a Russian on your boat, this is what happens.
Ferroday is a woman, too!
it does have that weird nonsensical twist every other page vibe to it
gellaho
Frank uses all his abilities as a brown belt
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
they really should have known that a guy named Igor who was using the Perfect Getaway service would be intimately familiar with knockout pills
Velo
This was before Google, the author had no way to look up what the belts meant
Ferroday is a woman, too!
the man knows when his soda isn't so diet
Velo
Joe starts doing a jig
Brendan!™
Okay, this, finally, is realistic dialogue for how strip mall senseis talk.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Its ALWAYS suspicious when someone orders diet soda.
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Brown belt in Jiujitsu is high level tho
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
DON'T USE JOE'S REAL NAME YOU IDIOT
YOU ARE SO BAD AT THIS
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
To be fair, Joe is a really fake sounding name.
disculpa mi tulpa
Frank "Hardy" Dux
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
EVERY CHOICE IS "Kill" BUT EVERY CHOICE LEADS TO MORE NONSENSE
gellaho
A fun visual for the children
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Children love a good throat slitting.
FancyShark
It's the best part of Christmas
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
at this point they should just jump overboard. There's more chance of the tides carrying them to safety than their own decisions
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
You always remember the first time you see someone get their weasand slit ear to ear.
gellaho
"Hey, watch that rubber knife"
GDC's Quivering Thews
Igor's been to enough dodgy brothels to know when he's being drugged and robbed
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Hahahah you dorks didnt check his umbrella for concealed weapons? You deserve to get your gizzard opened.
Ferroday is a woman, too!
"you are not the fuckable twinks I ordered for room service"
GDC's Quivering Thews
wait so he's a small fat guy with an umbrella weapon?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"It's my first day, and also my brother Joe hardy's first day too," said Frank, last-wordsishly.
gellaho
What are you, a pirate?
FancyShark
Meanwhile, the twinks are foiling the entire criminal empire
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Fuck is that what ordering chicken means?! THAT EXPLAINS SO MUCH!
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
I'm disappointed that Igor doesn't have a cheesy written Russian accent
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
lol Igor has traveled from land to land burying treasure
Brendan!™
Igor hides his wealth in on-shore accounts.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
He has so many gold Ronald Reagan coins yall.
gellaho
Igor offers them both $20,000 to do something for him, and then really spells out some very obvious things
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Rad.
FancyShark
"So, either of you have a spare kidney?"
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Time to do what the Hardy boys do best
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
...why would Igor trust these guys
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
"This guy has a huge attache case full of money, totally trustworthy."
Velo
You're right, it's time to do nothing
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
They tried that once, and something got done
disculpa mi tulpa
at the end of this, they'll be left with $10 between them to get gifts for their lady friends, and Joe will take it because he has more ladies.
Ferroday is a woman, too!
get a bomb exploded in their faces and miraculously survive?
Velo
Got a trusty face on them
gellaho
Ah, the 80s, when everyone talked like gangsters and newsies
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
The first time they made money on a case!
Crime pays!
FancyShark
"You guys tried to poison me, which makes you okay in my book"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
It certainly pays better than being a cruise employee.
Brendan!™
Because they trust him despite knowing he has a briefcase full of money. Now he can turn his back on these juvenile poisoners.
gellaho
I don't feel like I'm at sea, I feel like I'm in sea
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
pretty soon Frank and Joe aren't gonna be able to keep the lies straight anymore
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
For 20k Id murder everyone on that boat with my teeth.
And their teeth.
FancyShark
Frank, if you were swimming with sharks, you'd feel a bit different
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"Igor we found out that Perfect Getaway is a criminal service - wait no, you knew that"
Brendan!™
Joe added nothing to that simile.
Velo
Yay hardboiled Frank is back
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Probably a sense of wonder and amazement at the beauty of nature.
disculpa mi tulpa
did I miss the tiger while I was eating Chinese food?
FancyShark
And bites
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"and these sharks have teeth," Joe said sagely.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Depends on the shark.
Velo
"And those sharks are swimming too." Joe nodded
Brendan!™
The kind that bite
gellaho
Don't you go into that off-limits space, curious children
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
it really feels like the Hardys have been distracted by sidequests at this point
gellaho
Well, shit
EveryZig
I always go sack out when I'm playing cards
Velo
Is this about to become the most dangerous game
EveryZig
Unless there's an off limits sign
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Its just the officers mess.
Sea Nobs get really persnickety if they have to eat with the ocean proles.
gellaho
Joe spends a lot of time at the National Guard Armory for... Reasons
disculpa mi tulpa
I bet the crates are full of bananas.
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"2 weekends a month!" 🫡
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
A surprising amount of this book is happening on a boat, much like Metal Gear Solid 2, and much like Metal Gear Solid 2, there are two protagonists. Coincidence? OR CONSIPRACY!?
gellaho
Guns and gadgets, a useless device!
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Igor is the cyborg ninja for sure
GDC's Quivering Thews
Joe's penlight has some great batteries
disculpa mi tulpa
Holy guns and gadgets Hardy Boy
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
F..............aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaather Ted?
Ferroday is a woman, too!
why would you narrate your thoughts out loud in a place you were told you'd be killed for entering
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Joe has a brain injury that makes him unable to inner monologue.
Ferroday is a woman, too!
it's like you know you're going to be knocked out for dramatic effect
Velo
"I SURE WOULD HATE TO BE CAUGHT DOWN HERE" Joe shouted into the darkness
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Its from all the times he got knocked out as a child, it also delayed and shortened his puberty.
gellaho
Joe gets so invested in two guards arguing about dinner he doesn't notice one walking towards him
FancyShark
Been there
disculpa mi tulpa
Joe's gonna have brain damage. Thinking it won't impact the narrative though.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
what a useless paragraph
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Joe is in his element
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Caught!
GDC's Quivering Thews
Usually Joe gets head trauma much earlier
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Ive been on so many jobs where the only thing important to me was getting lunch, I could have been stabbed by a ninja and as long as I could enjoy my gas station egg rolls I would.
gellaho
The ghostwriter would like you to forget about the preceding paragraph
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
You fool! Head trauma makes him stronger!
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Joe got punched so hard he went temporarily blind, it happens.
disculpa mi tulpa
Joe has unlocked the power of concussion
gellaho
Luckily Frank is there to repeatedly bash the men in the head
disculpa mi tulpa
tray fu
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Follows up with a guillotine leg drop from the top rope.
disculpa mi tulpa
Frank is where Jackie Chan gets his ideas
Brendan!™
Joe watched helplessly as his brother saved him.
Ferroday is a woman, too!
why bother setting up any dramatic tension with a cliffhanger if you're just going to undercut it in less than two paragraphs
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Frank only stopped saving Joe when he saw red.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Joe forgot what team he was on and stared fighting Frank
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Joe, with pesky brain function out of the way, continued to do nothing
FancyShark
Frank kept hitting until the guard wasn't recognizable as human or solid
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Once youve beaten a man into soup its way easier to get rid of the body.
gellaho
Time to unclothe some more men
Brendan!™
The quicksand soaks it up like a sponge!
Brendan!™
wait
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"And since we're on a boat, we can toss the bodies overboard!"
Brendan!™
they are doing the same plan THREE times
FancyShark
By the time this is over, half the operation is going to be nude and unconscious
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Just need a mop and bucket, and you probably have one on hand if Cardi B is guest starring.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
the Hardy Boys once again forgetting that they have faces
Brendan!™
and acting like it's novel the third time
disculpa mi tulpa
video game stealth rules
Brendan!™
AND they're already dressed like boat stewards
Velo
"Weird dick on this one too."
FancyShark
They learned from Agent 47
FancyShark
"Frank"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Frank and Joe are just Agent 48 and 49.
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
So much blood on the old unforms, tho
gellaho
They plan to steal their pants later
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
You cant PROVE Fenton didnt get them from a monastery in Hungary.
Velo
"What? It's weird. All these guys have weird dicks. We might need to know that to blend in."
disculpa mi tulpa
"okay, but do you have to call them limp men too?"
FancyShark
"Okay, who wants to be Ving Rhames and who wants to be Bruce Willis?"
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"Straight sailors? Now there's a mystery, Joe!"
Velo
"WELL HERE I AM A SECURITY GUARD, JUST ME AND MY WEIRD DICK ON PATROL!"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Hey Frank? Who is picking up the cargo and you?
FancyShark
"Oh hey, it's Ron!"
Brendan!™
But right now they're so limp!
gellaho
For some reason, they shake Igor down for more money. I think they've forgotten what they are doing
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Im confused about the chain of custody here or what the point of this was? Like surely by now their absence from their cell has been noticed and theyd like.........radio the ship about it.
Velo
"Now that no one will recognize us, let's go rob Igor."
FancyShark
I've lost all sense of plot. This is now an old Sierra game.
disculpa mi tulpa
negotiating for a bit. a second or so.
Velo
This ghost writer is a bit rougher than some
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
the boat captain said they never use their radios for any reason because it's so secret
disculpa mi tulpa
moon logic
FancyShark
I'm very much enjoying the madness, though
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
This boat is very unsafe.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
but yeah it's like they've abandoned the main plot of the book to clear out some dlc or sidequest or siomething
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Completionist Frank
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Frank is going to platinum this motherfucking case if it kills him.
disculpa mi tulpa
still no tiger?
gellaho
They don't have radios on the boat. The people only know their own part of the scheme and aren't allowed or able to communicate
Ferroday is a woman, too!
this definitely feels like that dlc from Deus Ex Human Revolution
Brendan!™
You want to steal all my money! Fools! Igor is too alert! I would like to hire you for far too much money. Then I would like to double that money every 20 minutes. ho ho! American babies, you are so soft the weak hed
Ferroday is a woman, too!
the one that happens in the middle of the game where Jensen winds up on a ship
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Lol I legitimately missed that, chalk it up to "Author doesnt know how boat work.", I guess.
gellaho
Joe has a strange dream where he writes "Pumped Up Kicks"
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
And he had a weird dick
Velo
Damn it, Jeeves!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
meanwhile, Marcie is comforting her father and telling him the best detectives in town are on the case
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Joe, this dream could mean so many things for you.
FancyShark
Jeeves was played by Stephen Fry in the TV show, so you better believe that's who I'm picturing now
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Digging yourself deeper into a hole alone is rich with symbolism.
gellaho
Shaking him. Shaking him awake. Awake he was shooken
FancyShark
Shake shake
Shaking awake
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
so they knocked out and tied up some guards on this small boat and then just went to bed?
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Actually Joe if it was a nightmare made real you would have dreamed about Sam holding you at gunpoint.
gellaho
Joe immediately gives up the ghost
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
This is just a coincidence, lets circle back to the "Digging a hole deeper and deeper."
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
yeah they definitely should have jumped overboard hours ago
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
"Igor told me."
"That bastard! We trusted him!"
gellaho
Probably should have remembered there's a guy who is in charge of the boat and can go wherever he wants
FancyShark
Frank, Sam does that to everyone!
hahaha
Even when threatening with a gun, Sam gives way too much exposition
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"Exposition Sam"
gellaho
Luckily, Sam decides to take a nap
GDC's Quivering Thews
Sam loves his sacks
Velo
Huh
gellaho
I'm sure that's fine
Velo
There was a brief moment when Sam was the best character
GDC's Quivering Thews
Haha, his heart is going to stop
FancyShark
Their dedication to diversity resulted in hiring only narcoleptics
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
"Hey Frank........while hes out...........you wanna see if his dick is weird?"
Brendan!™
I'm so confused what exactly Sam thinks he's uncovered when the cat and the bag aren't even in the same room anymore.
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Dead
Velo
"It's another weird dick!"
"I'm starting to think your dick is the weird one, Frank."
GDC's Quivering Thews
"this one doesn't even have a proboscis!"
gellaho
Well, time to go torment those two guys again
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
"S......shut up! Mom said its normal for it to be cubic and curve like that!"
Velo
"And now we throw him and his weird dick overboard! He'll sleep-swim to shore!"
Ferroday is a woman, too!
weren't these two in a fucking munitions storeroom? why the fuck did they not arm themselves?
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
The best thing about having a weird dick is that maybe its a good rudder and you can become a human canoe.
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"Igor! Do you have a weird dick?"
gellaho
Frank drinks their fear for a bit
Velo
They were too busy stripping some sailors
Hi Dave and Mike!
Ferroday is a woman, too!
no I'm talking about the sailors lol
Velo
I look forward to your contributions to the story, Dave and Mike! It will be nice when you last more than three chapters, Dave and Mike!
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
So how many crewmen does this ship even have? At this point I think Frank and Joe could just lock them all in the galley and set course for Miami.
gellaho
Just a parade of limos stealing people from that one spot in Miami
Brendan!™
They must be tying them up near the engine room for nobody to hear them.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Frank getting a taste of real power for the first time in his life