disculpa mi tulpa
frank's gonna get reverse coyote'd
119: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #12: Perfect Getaway Franklin W. Dixon
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A vacation from th law is always costly.
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GDC's Quivering Thews
It would probably just be a lot easier if you gave an address
disculpa mi tulpa
they're smuggling him into Cuba
FancyShark
"My name is Joe. My...brousin's name is Frank," said Frank.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
What an amazing and totally legitimate business these people are running.
gellaho
This is a very loosey goosey operation
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
All you needed at the time of writing to do this was a plane ticket to anywhere and a handgun.
GDC's Quivering Thews
You get to take a +1 with you when you fake your death
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Back when America was FUN.
disculpa mi tulpa
75k and a new name!
FancyShark
I love that he negotiated a discount on a new identity
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"let me check if we have any more new identities in the back."
"yeah my manager says if you buy 2 you get half off the 2nd one"
GDC's Quivering Thews
Just take another fake passport from the pile, it's fine
gellaho
Frank's choice for inconspicuous was jeans and Chinese karate varsity sweater on the beach
disculpa mi tulpa
I hope the supervisor comes back
Velo
Why are you bargaining with the people smugglers?!
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
Bad move, this is how you end up as Dick Army
GDC's Quivering Thews
Haha, they're getting trafficked
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Frank's right, this is an amazing bargain
Velo
Yeah but people would aggressively avoid looking at him out of fear he might try and talk to them
FancyShark
With prices like these, you can't afford NOT to flee the country!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"uh oh, Joe, the clothes were free because they sent us to a - GULP - nudist colony!"
disculpa mi tulpa
if not smuggled into Cuba they're being conned and sold to Liberia
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
But also how you end up Wilma Mankiller.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
My guess? Libya, and Ghaddafi just needs some Americans to complete a collection or something.
gellaho
Meanwhile, in the present, Frank never had an opportunity to call Marcie, which implies they didn't land at the airport, but that the airplane dropped them off at the beach
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
You..........did this without telling anyone?
FancyShark
It's fiiiiiiiine
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
If it was anyone else youd almost certainly be finding Frank and Joe in a ditch somewhere outside Kandahar.
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
Most people impulse buy chocolate bars, not new identities and nations
disculpa mi tulpa
hey, that's the wrong dipshit that asked for a group rate
gellaho
That's like a four hour drive, which you'd probably notice
FancyShark
Or Houston
disculpa mi tulpa
plot twist: it IS a limo sub
Cuba
Velo
"Sometimes I flip a light switch a few times, just to make sure I can still make a difference." Frank muttered.
"Frank is your new bit 'trying to get us killed'?!"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Boy Americans sure do like driving, so much so we build bridges over the ocean.
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
Technically all limos can go underwater
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Which is always a good idea.
gellaho
Or, you know ten minutes. Whatever
Rachel, Mayor of Bitch Island
Bridge to hawaii when
FancyShark
It's a BIG car
GDC's Quivering Thews
The driver just stopped for a piss
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Hey fun limo fact, theyre so dangerous that limo accidents can often render the occupants into a soup like homogenate.
And they dont always HAVE to have seatbelts!
FancyShark
That IS fun!
gellaho
I guess nobody noticed the private militia right outside Miami
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
As far as I know, only one state even has a regulatory body for limos.
GDC's Quivering Thews
You could probably find 5 guys like that in any given waffle house in florida
disculpa mi tulpa
I'm betting it's not Florida
FancyShark
I don't think private armies bother with giving a nametag and just leave it blank
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
The one that are more on the larp side love that shit.
Hey, Ghost Writer, tell us about the patches this guy has on his uniform. I bet hes got some really cool ones.
Because theres no way any company managed to find a soldier or soldier adjacent type who wont slap a patch on his uniform.
Velo
"I'm starting to think this was a bad idea." Joe whispered.
"Of course it was a bad idea. They've all been bad ideas," Frank lit a second cigarette, smoking two at a time now, "ever since her..."
GDC's Quivering Thews
"Hey Frank, did you see that guy's cool double lightning bolt tattoo?"
gellaho
Ah, the large plantations of the tiny Florida keys
disculpa mi tulpa
militias in Florida are full of totally chill fun guys
FancyShark
There would be less red flags if they were being abducted by Umbrella Inc
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Half the point of joining a PMC is you get to shoot civilians with a grenade launcher and claim self defense, and the other half is you get to put patches on your uniform, and they can be WHATEVER.
Velo
Oh no
gellaho
What is he, the Undertaker?
disculpa mi tulpa
the different thing on the plantation set . . . no slaves
FancyShark
"Because you'd be dead"
"No more progress in life"
"We wouldn't move you from this spot"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Ironically the hundred twenty five thousand wont even pay for the limo and the ride down there.
FancyShark
"Because dead bodies are icky"
GDC's Quivering Thews
Everyone in this book uses guns to point to things with
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
And thats why at some point Frank will snap their neck.
Because its the 80s and guns are for pointing.
FancyShark
Laser pointers were still space magic
gellaho
Inside just like a 80s Miami business
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
ET was just those cops being very specific about that boy and his little space potato buddy.
GDC's Quivering Thews
All surfaces were designed to do coke off
FancyShark
By "free-form" I assume he means "bean-bag"
Velo
I'm starting to think this ghost writer heard about America from a friend of a friend, who was lying
disculpa mi tulpa
ask the computer how to get the 125k back Frank
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
What a weirdly specific way to describe a desk that I nevertheless had to google.
Velo
I don't think the author had seen desks before
gellaho
Luckily, their money case is infinite
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Or they really like this specific type of desk design.
disculpa mi tulpa
honestly impressed Frank is keeping the money
gellaho
This building is all other types of building combined
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
They brought extra just in case sales tax was miscalculated and to buy extra hotdogs for the trip.
gellaho
Very convincing
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
You have to assume theyre fucking, right? If two young men with almost 200 thousand dollars ask you to help them abandon their lives, in the 80s is there a surer way to tell someone youre fucking without saying it?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
unless some college girls went missing recently?
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
The room is bugged and also has hidden cameras and Frank just did something visibly suspicious.
Velo
... Frank, Joe... I... The business knows they aren't a resort. And you're also supposed to know that.
gellaho
Well, I'll just leave this in full because what in the actual fuck
FancyShark
"You know, Man Who Is Not My Brother, we sure are lucky to get such a sumptuous and well-kept room. It is definitely worth investing our legally and untraceably acquired currency."
Velo
You've discovered no secrets
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Again, hidden cameras.
Velo
This would be like wearing a disguise to try and fool someone who has never met you
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
also just quickly "your kinks are the reason we had to take this trip, brother!"
disculpa mi tulpa
just doing a bit, wearing a fake mustache to check into a hotel, etc.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Except there if they get questioned afterward they cant accurately describe you.
Velo
"Good workout." Joe said loudly, "Not a sex thing."
"Never a sex thing," Frank muttered, "Not since... her..."
gellaho
Then they go in the bathroom together
FancyShark
"Frank, your girlfriend is still alive."
"But for how long, Joe? How long?"
GDC's Quivering Thews
Whoever's listening in is now assuming they're doing something unspeakable to each other
FancyShark
"I sure do enjoy our showers together, Man Who Isn't My Brother"
Velo
"We're in the bathroom together now." Joe announced, "Still not a sex thing."
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"we solved the case!" the brother proclaimed. Their bodies were found six weeks later, a case that ironically went unsolved.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
See now for sure they think youre gay. The guy watching them on CCTV is just gently weeping and whispering "Love is love. Go get em, guys."
gellaho
They'll definitely buy our teeth hacker routine
disculpa mi tulpa
hack the planet baby
FancyShark
You couldn't have thought up a cover story on the way to the meetup?
Ferroday is a woman, too!
"we look like corporate types" said one teenager to the other
GDC's Quivering Thews
"We'll say we did the Superman III thing"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Or you could say nothing because they wont ask if they are really criminals.
Velo
"Have you considered what it would have been like if my girlfriend had blown up?"
"Frank... what?"
"I would be devasated. Barely able to contain the pain. Thank god I have you here, Joe."
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Its funny you think theyd believe you anyway without proof.
GDC's Quivering Thews
As if they're not going to take your money and dump your bodies in the ocean
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Criminals are never paranoid or even a little suspicious.
disculpa mi tulpa
you can get a lot for a Hardy boy on the secondary market
gellaho
They meet the head of the operation, who I'm sure has a very intimidating name
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
pretty perfect con really
except for having to find customers
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Certainly not international criminals who probably have contacts at the CIA.
Velo
Oh shit it's Bob
gellaho
Or not
disculpa mi tulpa
more gun gesturing for the crowd
Ferroday is a woman, too!
I love that the british guy's handgun is a "silver automatic" but the guard definitely has an M-16
GDC's Quivering Thews
"it was either this or my dad resigning from Congress"
Brendan!™
I was making a kickass dinner! What happened after the kidnapping?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"oh yeah our dad invented Post-Its"
"we accidentally caused a factory worker to die of papercuts so we have to go on the run"
gellaho
They try the hacker routine, but are undone by the fact that they used their real names
FancyShark
They are on Criminal Protection Program and thinking up a cover story while in a plantation/hotel/skyscraper/swamp hut in the Keys
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
"Its the 80s and Ronald Reagan is president. Why DONT you want to flee the country?"
FancyShark
They just met the head of the operation. His name is Alex.
Velo
Frank pulled out his own .45. He also pointed it at Joe. "Don't move or I kill the kid." He growled.
gellaho
Frank, cut down by his passionate love affair with computers
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Should have claimed you were Frank and Joe hardy's gay doppelgangers. A criminal would never question that.
gellaho
Let me just bring some of my mail on this undercover mission
FancyShark
Goddammit, Frank
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Frank you fucking idiot.
Some amazing computer brain you have.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
turns out this plan was not great
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Theyre usually really good!
And never result in a kung fu duel with your girlfriends dad.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I don't get what they even hoped to learn from this that they didn't learn from the phone call
marcie's dad arranged to flee the country
like, that's it
these guys wouldn't be involved in whatever happened before that, would they?
gellaho
So this giant plantation with the private army is on one of the keys, right off the highway. Which nobody's noticed
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Oh wait, checked my notes, they definitely NEVER work and did have Frank have a kung fu duel with the dad of a girl he liked.
Velo
Was there a plan to any of this?
gellaho
Not to mention that this guy thinks there are islands completely made our of quicksand
Velo
He dares to dream of a better world
Brendan!™
Welcome to Quicksand Key!
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Why drive them that far when you can just throw them in the ocean?!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
that's where you find ground type pokemon duh
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
THE OCEAN IS RIGHT THERE!
Brendan!™
Tides wash up body parts. It's like you've never dumped a body before.
Velo
That's pollution
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Thats what cinder blocks and a bike chain is for!
FancyShark
Bodies don't sink. That's why you need quicksand.
GDC's Quivering Thews
bunch of amateurs around here
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
also you have to encase the whole body otherwise the feet detach
gellaho
You can't even have basements on mainland Florida, but I digress with this ghostwriter's complete misunderstanding of Florida geography
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
and they all end up on that one beach and freak people out
FancyShark
The cellar is on top of the house
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
By the time the bits bob to the surface theyre forensically null and worthless as evidence.
Toss them in the right current and they wash up in like fucking Texas or Mexico.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"Money won't do you any good where you're going."
"Joe I think they're taking us to a Communist state"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
"So we ARENT going to Cuba then?"
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I like that exactly the thing we all said would happen is happening
I can't wait to read all about the next generation of Hardys
Velo
"No! Please! I've been learning so much spanish! Yo soy embarazado!"
Brendan!™
Actually it's an artificial reef.
gellaho
Some fun for the kids
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"hahaha I'm also pro-slavery or whatever"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
And fish food! Human bodies are green as hell, fully biodegradeable.
FancyShark
"That lesson was trigonometry"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
"It was really hard to teach them considering they werent allowed to know how to read but eventually it took."
Brendan!™
WATCH ME
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
What's the body count so far? (Hi)
Velo
"It's a dark, twisted place. And it hasn't got much better with you moving in, Bob." Frank said, lighting up another cigarette.
"Wh- Why are his hands not bound?!"
FancyShark
Hi, @P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs !
Brendan!™
Bob DeSantis
GDC's Quivering Thews
We've actually gone way longer than expected without Joe getting a head injury
gellaho
There weren't any slave plantations in the keys, but everything about this is wrong so whatever
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
A Floridian basement is just a normal building that sank.
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Some Floridians would be upset to learn this
Brendan!™
Hard to say because the quicksand disposes of them so efficiently.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Some caulk and a little waterproofing and its fine.
Thats what pumps are for.
We should build office buildings downward, is what Im saying.
gellaho
It's a very secure door, in that it can easily be whittled away by a tiny knife
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Or! You could just kick the fucking SHIT out of the door.
Ferroday is a woman, too!
and I guess there's no guard outside to hear the scraping
gellaho
He's used the tip of his longest blade, time for the tip of his strongest blade
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Of course, nobody would think to guard Frank and Joe hardy with a competent and alert human being.
GDC's Quivering Thews
That door has been wet for 200 years, it's basically powder
Velo
I found the map this author was using
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Also his strongest blade implying that he has a lot of knives.
Ferroday is a woman, too!
plot twist: 200 years of fungus has created a mycellium network stronger than steel inside that door
GDC's Quivering Thews
Frank keeps calling the can opener a blade
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Hot
gellaho
Explains all the peaches
Brendan!™
Drank too many bushwackers at Flor-abama and walked 400 miles inland thinking it was south.
gellaho
How big is this fucking building
Brendan!™
Anything's a blade if your girlfriend Callie gets turned on by you holding it to her throat during some rough trade.
Velo
Four city blocks and it has its own internal police force
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Hahahahha fuck you book I was kidding about there being no guards.
Velo
Judge Dredd meets the Hardy Boys
gellaho
Joe throws a pool ball at Frank
FancyShark
Joe finally snaps
Ferroday is a woman, too!
KUMITE KUMITE KUMITE
gellaho
And two dead men
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
wait one motherfucking second, why would they have snack machine. They're not a real office
Velo
"That's for the fucking detective bit, you asshole! You've been smoking cloves all day, it fucking stinks!"
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
Evil lairs get snack machines
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
ONE BROTHER ENTERS .........aw goddammit, look writers, this fake out doesnt work in print media. It barely works in film, and its been done to death, quit it.
gellaho
Let's get these guys naked
FancyShark
"EIGHT BALL, YOUR FACE!"
no?
Brendan!™
Large men with small feet
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"Frank, this is why we had to flee the country"
GDC's Quivering Thews
They're a little short for stormtroopers
Ferroday is a woman, too!
"surely the guys that identified us as the Hardys on sight will not notice us in these bright white uniforms"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
What kind of weird Napoleonic requirements does this dude have for his staff?
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"Good thing guards never go commando"
Velo
"This will help us blend in."
"Weird dick on this one."
"God damn it Frank."
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"It's erect"
Brendan!™
The Hardy Boys investigate who killed John Belushi
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
also it's just occurred to me, an organization that provides this service would never bring clients to their base of operations
they would meet in a crummy motel room or something
gellaho
I don't remember that time Key Largo was taken over by evil vacation planners, but this was before I was born
Velo
Well now we all know what Tom did to buy Diebel's grave
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I won that grave fair and square
GDC's Quivering Thews
I assumed they were just taking everyone's money and killing them. No one can contact their clients because they're just that good.
FancyShark
They'd save a lot on snacks that way
Velo
"Thank god these white uniforms helped us blend into the shadows."
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Really its just once you buy a plantation mansion or volcano hideout, you get a free years subscription to Hench Magazine and can get great deals on hench persons so you might as WELL take advantage of the savings, you really cant afford not to.
GDC's Quivering Thews
"the hood's a bit weird, don't you think?"
gellaho
They try to escape to a moored yacht, but are caught. I wonder how they'll get out of this mess
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Like plantations, volcano lairs, secret underground bases, all need a lot more maitenance than youd think. Takes a lot of labor to keep a fortress of hidden evil going.
Velo
Quick, unmoor the yacht, weigh anchor, hoist the mainsail!
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"We stripped those guards naked for nothing!"
Velo
Only seventeen more steps and we'll escape!
FancyShark
"We've been shot thirty times already"
Velo
Bullets don't stop a Hardy!
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
"Freeze! Persons Who We Dont Need or Really Want To Not Shoot To Death!"
gellaho
Wouldn't you know it, the guy hasn't been told anything. There's some great ghostwriting
Velo
Do... I...
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
oh I thought they'd be cops who were raiding the bad guys right this second
Velo
okay
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Turns out they hire freelance captains instead of going thru the Evil Boat Guy Union.
Velo
It's been a long time since tide really factored into those considerations but alrighty
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
This is what you get when you hire scabs.
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
"You must be the two new guys that are even newer than me!"
Velo
The author knows neither land nor sea
Excited to find out if they know about air
FancyShark
Air is a liquid, right?
Velo
Shit
gellaho
This tough sailor complains about goof-ups and tells them about their pretty uniforms
gellaho
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Similiar but its thinner, so you can put less in the same spot. Really air is just inefficient water.
FancyShark
Sailors really do have the foulest language
Ferroday is a woman, too!
oh this is some kind of weird sex thing, isn't it
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
frank and joe now have to play the part of guards in this criminal empire for 20 years before they think up a plan to escape
Ferroday is a woman, too!
if you can descrige your uniform as pretty you're either a sailor scout or it's a sex thing
gellaho
Lucky break with the anchovies
P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs
The uniforms are all assless
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
"I run a tight evil ship here! The HMS People Smuggler is a vessel of dignity and discipline."
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
what do you mean OR?
Brendan!™
This book is its own Naked Gun spoof