gellaho
The Book Cage: Episode #122
The Hybrid
I AM A PSYCHADELIC PROJECTOR
I AM A WEAPON OF ATTACK AND ASSASSINATION
I AM GOING TO KILL THEM BEFORE THEY MAKE ME KILL AGAIN
This Friday, 5pm Eastern.
122: The Hybrid John Jakes
Tags:
He was a hybrid - half human, half Omqu - with the strange mental power to wipe out the universe
Archive
gellaho
FancyShark
JAKES! JAKES! JAKES!
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
With swirly man-titties on the front cover and ALL CAPS on the back cover, it has to be good
GDC
This cover looks like a guy in a very problematic Halloween costume.
Ferroday is a cat mom, too!
it kinda looks like you asked Cecilia Gimenez to paint Drax the Destroyer from memory
gellaho
I AM A PSYCHEDELIC PREVIEW
I AM A WEAPON OF ATTACK AND ASSASSINATION
I AM GOING TO KILL THEM BEFORE THEY MAKE ME KILL IN ABOUT ONE HOUR
Here is your preview
FancyShark
Sick
Ferroday is a cat mom, too!
this looks like the special kind of insane I need to tune in for
FancyShark
Anything from John Jakes is worth a look. He gifted us the greatest sentence ever written.
Velo, Electric Ghost
BOOK
FancyShark
CAGE
Hi, @Velo, Electric Ghost !
Hi, @gellaho !
Velo, Electric Ghost
Hi @FancyShark !
Hi @gellaho !
gellaho
Time to PSYCHEDELICALLY PROJECT
FancyShark
This time, titty twists YOU
gellaho
This one's for you, Bob Hoskins
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
See, the Mario Bros movie IS an underrated movie.
FancyShark
Hi, @Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage !
gellaho
I see the back combined points 1 & 2
FancyShark
"I can't kill if I've already killed"
Ferroday is a cat mom, too!
hwaet
FancyShark
Hi, @Ferroday is a cat mom, too! !
gellaho
Well, fatbelly
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Green Lantern is very different in this adaptation.
FancyShark
And how wide are his shoulders?
Half as wide as the print
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
A wide man wide.
gellaho
Something you would of course call "fatbelly"
FancyShark
A spider mammoth
gellaho
Ah, as tall as one tall man is tall
FancyShark
"Vestigial Flesh-Node" was my nickname in school
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Purple Sun is a sweet spell in Warhammer.
gellaho
POWER SLING
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
It's like a musket but instead of gunpowder its powered by guitar solos.
FancyShark
Exact measurements for guns but not people
gellaho
Little pink flavor stones
FancyShark
"Barney! My flavor stones!"
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Hell yes no wonder the white man wants Holoz, its the Planet of Skittles.
ALL THE FLAVORS OF THE RAINBOW!
gellaho
Unionize your soul men
FancyShark
I like that Jakes isn't going into detail about how a human fucked a bird alien
gellaho
Kraku claws are great for tattooing
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Shiny AND pointy!
FancyShark
Rad
gellaho
So, one tenth as long as a tall man is tall
FancyShark
They must be watching a scary movie
gellaho
Probably not great that your ray gun can't survive a bird attack
FancyShark
Damn our tinfoil armor!
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Poor planning, you hate to see it.
gellaho
Hell yeah, Jakes
disculpa mi salsa
powered sling with exploding pellets
FancyShark
Hi, @disculpa mi salsa !
disculpa mi salsa
hat on a hat on a sling
GDC
Kraku is vulnerable when it's mouth is open, like a Metroid boss
gellaho
Weird that Jakes seems to have an understanding of the English language for this book, when the other books were written in this same time period
FancyShark
Hi, @GDC !
FancyShark
Maybe this was the one that held his attention
gellaho
It's possible
Sure, let's describe his sunburn before the gaping hole in his chest
disculpa mi salsa
gotta know if they're pretty before they're cruelly taken away
gellaho
This nerd is not having a good day
GDC
Who would have thought the guy working for the colonial corps would be racist?
FancyShark
This guy needs to work on his diplomacy
gellaho
Probably lose some decorum when your rub cage is showing
Or rib, whichever you want
disculpa mi salsa
they came from
behind
Velo, Electric Ghost
Both are bad
I am caught up. Also what the fuck. But I am caught up.
gellaho
Law considers killing the man with his mind powers
gellaho
Don't know why this is the start of the next chapter, but sure
Brendo
Earth One, Book Two
So what is this book? Space Scanners?
Kirkland's DOON?
Velo, Electric Ghost
Arbitrary is the best kind of chapter divide
gellaho
Zimirii or Zimirri? Who can say?
disculpa mi salsa
Thruster amd Swamphawk #111
FancyShark
HELLO, @Brendo !
disculpa mi salsa
Oh shit we're in a galaxy far away
Velo, Electric Ghost
Zimirri singular, Zimirii plural
gellaho
Whoever owned this book before me didn't appreciate the duplicate sentences
Velo, Electric Ghost
God damn rogue editors
Brendo
If Dune is star wars for Tool fans, is this Dune for prog rock enthusiasts?
gellaho
Oh, and the Omqu trying to use their telepathy hurts humans
gellaho
There's far too much rad death for that
FancyShark
Damn brain birds tryin' ta make my head blow up
gellaho
It's fascinating to me that early sci-fi authors seem to avoid the word "human" like the plague
Terrans, Sol men, Earthers
Velo, Electric Ghost
Sexy, sexy brain birds
Oh now I guess I understand how we got the half bird people
Well played, sexy brain birds
FancyShark
Maybe it's a way to signify FUTURE
gellaho
There's a word I need to look up in there
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Its because all lifeforms are human, just purple or green ones. Like in Star Trek, everything is basically a human but some meatloaf on their face.
gellaho
Hmmmmmm
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
I hate that I knew that word from elsewhere.
disculpa mi salsa
get a good chronometer and you'll never look at a clock again
gellaho
This Zimirii galaxy is all rocks and nothing else
disculpa mi salsa
I bet this was the inspiration for Saga
Brendo
Move to the Omqu's neighborhood just to complain about all the Omqu. Classic Sol-Men!
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
So these guys are just the StarCraft Terran marines but more explicitly That Kind Of Southern.
FancyShark
That's ominous
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
For extra fun read all their lines from now on in a thick Atlanta drawl.
gellaho
Union...
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Pete Seeger intensif..........oh wait probably not that kind of union
Brendo
I love unions!
gellaho
The declivity, the turning, the singing village
gellaho
That seems more annoying than anything else
Velo, Electric Ghost
Imagine if the buildings around you screamed in the wind
Because that's what it would be
gellaho
If my house started whistling everytime the wind blew, I'd lose my damn mind
GDC
My neighbor has wind chimes, those are bad enough
gellaho
It's like when the fire alarm starts chirping, but all the time
disculpa mi salsa
heh, beach house off season maybe
Velo, Electric Ghost
Praying for a day without a breeze
Every house sounds like a recorder
Brendo
Just my luck I can only afford to live in the building that plays Wonderwall
FancyShark
An entire civilization of jug bands
gellaho
Those slutty crops
FancyShark
That's right. Sheen those calves.
Velo, Electric Ghost
Oh there are actual buildings that whistle
They are hated
gellaho
The glowing eyes of psychic judgment
gellaho
I love tasting conversation
Velo, Electric Ghost
They're right he should kill the human
FancyShark
ugh
Velo, Electric Ghost
Bird people need to kill whitey
FancyShark
They're close talkers
Velo, Electric Ghost
It is written
gellaho
I like that trying to use your psychic abilities on another species doesn't work
gellaho
It makes a sort of sense
Brendo
These people are psychic, why can't he just loudly think "I have to save our hated enemy who wishes to exterminate us"?
Velo, Electric Ghost
Can Law not talk to anyone
gellaho
He cannot
Velo, Electric Ghost
If they all communicate psychically
So this is hell
Brendo
Psychic race, still develops hand signals for "I am on a personal mission"
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Thats what you get when your dad is a bird fucker.
gellaho
Well, he can, but they don't want to
Velo, Electric Ghost
He's been blocked
And he knows why
FancyShark
Cinnaberry Crunch would sell here
GDC
They're psychic but also conversations use every sense
Velo, Electric Ghost
Birdfucker
FancyShark
Imagine eating beans and starting a war because of smell communication
Velo, Electric Ghost
Andreas "Birdfucker" Law
gellaho
I skipped this book during the Year of Pain because I suspect that it's too good
Velo, Electric Ghost
The hero of our tale
FancyShark
It's been rad so far
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Birdfucker and son of birdfuckers.
gellaho
Sure, take your time. It's not like his heart is exposed or anything
Brendo
This is how my last relationship ended.
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
A long and proud line of birdfucking kings.
FancyShark
This line is very funny and I don't know why
GDC
In the future humans will have a lot more blood
Velo, Electric Ghost
It's written like a flex
FancyShark
The future is anime
gellaho
I don't think you need to adopt a grandchild, but sure
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
This dud has a chest wound and its bubbly sounding. Hes gonna drown in his own blood before you get hungry.
gellaho
It's where the feathers are supposed to be
Brendo
The Terran Sol-Men plotted genocide Earthily.
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Very fine people and birdfuckers on both sides, eh Jakes?
FancyShark
You know the dude is going to play this all up to his geology friends when he gets home
gellaho
I don't think that's a sign of anything other than carrying a dead man
Velo, Electric Ghost
Look nine times out of ten I am anti-genocide
But we have to destroy the psychic bird people
gellaho
It's probably hard to get along with a species that hurts you when they talk
Velo, Electric Ghost
They hurt when they talk!
Exactly thank you
FancyShark
"These soft, squishy things falling out of the hole in the chest aren't important, right?"
FancyShark
There's a mother-in-law joke there somewhere
Velo, Electric Ghost
From a human perspective these things mush their face into yours in absolute silence and then you feel agonizing pain
gellaho
The power
Brendo
Hey, Terrans let themselves into OUR nest
gellaho
It's important to remember that the Omqu have colonized an entire galaxy
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Hey bud, maybe just don't? It's not like the world will miss one blond dipshit.
Just let him croak.
Brendo
Yeah, THEIR galaxy
gellaho
Yeah, there probably weren't anyone else there
In the whole galaxy
Velo, Electric Ghost
You say that to Casper Van Dien's face
FancyShark
An entire galaxy of millet
gellaho
Not sure what this means
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Cat interruption for Jakes.
Velo, Electric Ghost
The author is also doing commentary on his writing
FancyShark
Jakes forgot the word for exclamation point
gellaho
This does not clarify
Velo, Electric Ghost
And he doesn't approve
Oh
Oh oh oh
FancyShark
Ever feel like you've been given a gift but don't know how to use it?
Velo, Electric Ghost
There's no n
Dam
It is a god dam
GDC
gd as in geodesic dome?
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Okayyyyyyy Jake's doesn't really understand slang and that is fine.
disculpa mi salsa
holds back god
Velo, Electric Ghost
What a decision
gellaho
Law knows what color this guy's muscles are
Velo, Electric Ghost
Red inside
disculpa mi salsa
you can probably generate infinite power with a god dam
Velo, Electric Ghost
Also I bet these bird fucks worship the sun
Another reason we need to bomb them
FancyShark
Unless you're running on Buddha. He only sits.
gellaho
BEEP boop
Velo, Electric Ghost
Buddha does not need power, Buddha is power
FancyShark
Law can't use his people's traditional greeting of running up shrieking with a knife
Velo, Electric Ghost
"Hello Birdfucker. Welcome to the barracks."
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Mostly the power to get dysentery and die pooping. Suck it Siddartha, I read your bio.
gellaho
Caduceus
Brendo
Wait, is this Jakes? Some part of me always knew.
Velo, Electric Ghost
More power than you've got
I don't see you shitting yourself to death
Brendo
Yo, they have robots, why are they interfacing with Painbirdmen?
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
I can poop uncontrollably anytime I want just from eating garlic.
Velo, Electric Ghost
Yeah but to death?
Anyways Birdfucker returns to his people
gellaho
The commendant is high as balls
FancyShark
And voiced by David Warner
gellaho
Please, he is the Son of a Birdfucker
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
You have to be high to run a place like this. All diplomats are high or weird sex goblins.
Velo, Electric Ghost
Yes being far from home requires drugs
That is why the space corps budget is 90% drugs
FancyShark
It's why I take a syringe whenever I need groceries
gellaho
Law is about to Telltale Heart this dude
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Also there's fuck all to do so might as well. It's not like the brain birds have great bars.
Brendo
Amateur. A tablespoon of baking soda and you don't even have to wait.
gellaho
Now the desk is getting high
Brendo
Fun things you discover when you're too poor to afford antacid pills.
Velo, Electric Ghost
So this fucker is floating on an inflatable balance ball, smoking a hallucinogenic cigar, telling the half birdman to go fuck himself
FancyShark
Sark is a boss
Velo, Electric Ghost
Hero
Brendo
This entire book is just a minority trying not to get shot by cops in his own neighborhood.
Velo, Electric Ghost
New protagonist just dropped. Son of Birdfucker can go admire the goddam
gellaho
A minority that has colonized an entire galaxy
Brendo
In Terran star-colony, caterpillar hallucinate YOU!
Velo, Electric Ghost
I think he was talking about Birdfucker being the minority
And the humans, as always, are cops
SPACE COPS
gellaho
Ten stebbii
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
And this is why you don't help people who get in accidents. You wait till they die and take their stuff.
FancyShark
"Stebbii, huh? How many manlengths is that?"
Velo, Electric Ghost
It's not robbery if they're dead, it's just pilfering
gellaho
And Law leaves
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
You can't be jailed if there are no witnesses so it's a victimless crime, like software piracy.
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
Just got off work, what's a vaguely correct recap of what I've missed?
gellaho
But, he is accosted by the man with the strangely colored muscles
FancyShark
Hi, @PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler !
Velo, Electric Ghost
You wouldn't download a Birdfucker
Also my phone is now capitalizing Birdfucker
FancyShark
Psychic half-alien-birdman is dealing with narc humans
gellaho
He would like to hire Law as a pimp
Velo, Electric Ghost
I knew it!
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
No. I'd download Turbo Birdfucker II: Champion Edition.
FancyShark
Lascivious?
gellaho
Law is uninterested, but is hit by an expert wrench-thrower
Velo, Electric Ghost
Yeah. Nudge nudge
FancyShark
He tried to duck before remembering that was a different bird
gellaho
So, Law melts their brains
Velo, Electric Ghost
Have the humans been Australian this whole time
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
There's two types of Sol man. Birdfuckers and No Thanks I Have A Headache.
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
WTF just happened
gellaho
Kiss of lips big as a universe whose taste was female orange...
FancyShark
So he headexplodes them with rejected song lyrics
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
Oh that's pretty rad
gellaho
Oops
FancyShark
I'm sure he's fine
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
And Law just gave these guys synesthesia, which gives them a tremendous advantage in martial arts butt combat according to this one anime.
Velo, Electric Ghost
How many mustaches did he have
gellaho
Psychedelic projected him back to baby, to death
Velo, Electric Ghost
So he killed a cop
FancyShark
Damp, weary and limp. Our hero.
Velo, Electric Ghost
That might not go well for Birdfucker
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
Like the old saying goes: if someone hurls a wrench at you, make them a baby
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Hey bud you should not have come here if you do this when you lose your temper.
gellaho
Not particularly
FancyShark
hahaha
"You've been gone five minutes"
Velo, Electric Ghost
"Frankly I'm shocked at how stupid that was."
"This cigar? Same one I was smoking when you left."
gellaho
Law remembers the time he accidentally popped a rabbit
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
"Hey so now your ass is mine and I'm going to turn you into a psychic weapon, okay? Great talk."
FancyShark
Little Bunny Jackfoo
I don't wanna see you
Running after field mice
And exploding your damn head