gellaho
Far out, dude
122: The Hybrid John Jakes
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He was a hybrid - half human, half Omqu - with the strange mental power to wipe out the universe
Archive
Brendo
Like a hypothetical Gen Z would say: It's giving Jigsaw Does Burlesque.
FancyShark
HELLO, @Brendo !
gellaho
Glittering cynicism
FancyShark
Trading illicit goods like used trade paperbacks and obscure video game cassettes
Velo, Electric Ghost
This is getting weirdly similar to the Arakkoa lore from WoW
gellaho
O'Flang's longband
Brendo
The Irish don't do so great in Jakes novels.
FancyShark
Dustin O'Flang by name, Dustin O'Flang by occupation
gellaho
Take off your clothes and show me your manhood chest
FancyShark
🎵 Detachable peeeenis🎵
gellaho
The furniture of adulthood
Drewvonawesome is gay af
I'm calling my small chest of dnd dice the Manhood Chest now…
FancyShark
The Tug of Tradition is a very outdated sex ed book
Hi, @Drewvonawesome is gay af !
Drewvonawesome is gay af
Sup
Velo, Electric Ghost
Birdfucker fucks bad
gellaho
Cool, smooth bone
Drewvonawesome is gay af
Its a nice chest, got it at pax 07 when they did a arg for Uncharted 1 and it had a replica of the ring necklace Nathan Drake has, got it and a framed piece of concept art for the game that I have no idea where it went
I need to ask my dad if he still has the framed concept art, it was really nice
gellaho
A very weepy communicator
FancyShark
Shaq AM, where you can listen to a shocking variety of commercials
gellaho
No choice but to melt his brain
FancyShark
Nice. Free ship
gellaho
Darn, there goes the chest
FancyShark
Chest didn't sound very well made if a very fat man collapsing his full weight on it broke it
gellaho
I understand, I broke a TV stand once and renounced my humanity
Velo, Electric Ghost
Well it was nice to have it for a few pages
gellaho
The rangy male with the taper
gellaho
Weird that it took this long for them to try looking for him where he's from
gellaho
The most intimidating warmachine of them all: the egg
Velo, Electric Ghost
SIEGE EGG
FancyShark
"Why would he return to where he was born and raised instead of coming here, to this planet where you can get a choco taco and a mountain dew for just $2?"
Brendo
That was a well-constructed scene, no jokes.
Velo, Electric Ghost
Tell me of this magical land
gellaho
The bone chest is a powerful metaphor
Velo, Electric Ghost
What sacrifices do we need to make for this future? I am ready
FancyShark
Tis a land spoken only in legend. It goes by the name Kwik Trip
gellaho
The egg general and his bruised brown eye
FancyShark
Sark continues to be weirdly personable
gellaho
Slap met with karate
Velo, Electric Ghost
Sark's the best general
gellaho
Followed by strangulation
gellaho
Countered by ball kick
FancyShark
Still one of Law's better conversations
Velo, Electric Ghost
The ol' dick-kick
FancyShark
Sark, like any good opponent, knows you have to recharge the dick strike and can't spam it
gellaho
And then gassed again
Velo, Electric Ghost
Damn it
One of these days, he's going to learn about the gas
gellaho
Kinky
FancyShark
Plastosteel? Please, Jakes
Velo, Electric Ghost
That hawk died hard
FancyShark
With an attempt at vengeance
gellaho
It's possible that attacking the general was a bad idea
Velo, Electric Ghost
Always attack the general
Worth it
The bird people tried to attack the shiny eggs
That feels like entrapment
gellaho
Time for the camps
FancyShark
"Now you will all sit and wait until a tall, bald man lays siege to this place"
Velo, Electric Ghost
This is the year of the prison camps, isn't it?
gellaho
You know, the Soothehouse?
Velo, Electric Ghost
Everything except the orienteering hardy boys had a prison camp
gellaho
A friendly mind erasing
FancyShark
"A benevolent mental hospital" implies the existence of malicious-
oh right
Brendo
It's just non-brand name Nysteel™
gellaho
I'm sure it's fine
FancyShark
"Then we will all hug and be a real family"
gellaho
The mind erasing facility is fully automated? Can't see that going wrong
FancyShark
Great. Now he has to settle for imagining the new season of GLOW
gellaho
Law tries digging around in there, only to knock himself out
FancyShark
Law has so much brain damage at this point, it's a miracle he can remember basic shapes
Velo, Electric Ghost
Law isn't very good at this
gellaho
Soothing pink lasers release him
Brendo
A modern-day Conan the Birdbirdian
gellaho
And now: the fun sponge room
FancyShark
NERF Prison
gellaho
He's having a great time
Velo, Electric Ghost
This does sound fun
gellaho
This does seem quite soothing
FancyShark
It's too bad this wasn't originally calibrated to torture someone who just hated kittens
gellaho
Bounce time!
Velo, Electric Ghost
I love this computer
gellaho
I feel better already
FancyShark
This is every amusement park ride someone with motion sickness would hate
Velo, Electric Ghost
Excited for Birdfucker to somehow escape this despite his overwhelming incompitence
gellaho
Macrobrains
Brendo
Picture Jakes in therapy imagining himself a Thanagarian while he's tired of his doctor on first meeting.
FancyShark
Hell yes, do it. Mind blast the AI
gellaho
He tries, only to get gassed again
FancyShark
Dangit
Velo, Electric Ghost
Stop smacking your head on things, Birdfucker
His skull hasn't been not-bleeding since page 3
FancyShark
No, this is good. It means he can brain melt the hospital
He just needs to build up an immunity to the gas
gellaho
So horny
Brendo
WHHYYYY BET
Didn't that one long gaze by the pool mean ANYTHING to you?
You are TEARING me APART, BET
gellaho
Torment yourself with something new!
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
This computer could make a decent Hotdog article with that attitude.
FancyShark
Hi, @Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage !
gellaho
Musky tones tenfold
FancyShark
Cadmium gird your loins
gellaho
Hotwet smelling
Velo, Electric Ghost
I knew I was right to love this computer
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Everyone likes getting their sound foamy, it means the barista mixed it just right.
Be extra funny if it didnt work and this was just part of the reconditioning.
gellaho
Tapesing. Torquewrench.
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Smokebelch is a cool name for a demon that is also a train.
FancyShark
Or an old, crotchety dragon
gellaho
Time for the robo-moles
Velo, Electric Ghost
This is a lot of work to lobotomize someone
FancyShark
It's the only method his insurance covers
Velo, Electric Ghost
I'm just saying I can do this faster and cheaper
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Now he must face the ultimate mole:
gellaho
There goes the computer
Velo, Electric Ghost
Nooooooo
FancyShark
Fuck yeah, he did it!
Velo, Electric Ghost
My favorite character
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Sweet.
Velo, Electric Ghost
The only one with any growth so far
gellaho
The horniest heels
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Jakes always teaches up the most valuable lesson: You cannot hope to love, it will be taken from you.
gellaho
Who grieves for the computorturer?
Brendo
Green for distress, sure.
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Its more soothing than amber or red, really when things are going wrong you dont need the lighting adding to the stress.
gellaho
And Law trips on the way out
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Always great when your protagonist falls on his goddam face.
Velo, Electric Ghost
Birdfucker escapes via more headtrauma
gellaho
Ah, the Martian suburbs
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Martian Karens as far as the eye can see.
FancyShark
Immediately shot by a paranoid shut-in. The End.
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
And not a goddam restaurant in sight.
Brendo
Not even a Mars 2112.
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Not even a Boobiez.
FancyShark
Not even a Fuddruckers
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Not even Paul Rudd's chain restaurant, Rudd Fuckers.
Velo, Electric Ghost
Not even a Martian Bojangle's
gellaho
Use OOG
Velo, Electric Ghost
Birdfucker I don't think calling the cops is going to help you
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Stands for OOOOOOH OHHHHHHHHHH GOD!
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
I'm off work and ready for Space Bird Proletariat Struggle Part II
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Its an automated prayer broadcast.
FancyShark
He calls the cops and the phone punches him unconscious
Hi, @PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler !
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Fortunately he doesnt have a dog to shoot.
gellaho
This phone call is going great
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
sweatiest collect call
Velo, Electric Ghost
"Sir you can't call the police for that."
gellaho
Wait for ten minutes for the call to connect, please
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Mars cops are more like Doordash, if you call them because you dont have money, they give you like 20 Marsbucks.
Brendo
HELLO MR THE POLICE I CANNOT GIVE THE MONEYS SEND A LOAN TO:
I AM ERICA MANN
1 FREEDOM PLANETY
STREETSVILLE, GALAXY USA ZIJICK
gellaho
This android does not appreciate the collect call
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
Don't waste time with nonessentials like saying nonessentials
gellaho
Welp, shoot
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
Didn't he leave her for dead?
Velo, Electric Ghost
BLOCKED
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
space friend-zoned
Brendo
This savage is screaming into a magic rock that he can make a woman he met once love him.
He has absolutely no software to deal with any of this
gellaho
Probably shouldn't have wasted thirty minutes on that failed phone call
FancyShark
Oopsie
I like how Law is still in completely over his head
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
Wasting 30 minutes on a pointless phone call is very Book Cage worthy
The cranky robot was great
gellaho
Law falls into a ditch
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Ah yes the famous Bread Mud of Mars.
gellaho
Screw you, dirt!
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
nerd slap
gellaho
Hi, Sark!
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Hey guy, maybe brain melt the dude chasing you?
FancyShark
Sark was out getting tacos and could not believe how quickly the hospital computer failed him
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Just saying, he deserves it and isnt going to stop.
FancyShark
He's tried several times. He's been brain conditioned not to
gellaho
He's very tired and bleeding profusely
FancyShark
His default state
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
His normal condition, tbh
I can relate
gellaho
Getting coy with the obscenities again, eh Jakes?
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
He should have done it when the mind control drugs had worn off, but NOOOOOO.
Its like he thinks brain melting people is morally wrong or something!
gellaho
Time to get shot in the ass
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Damn they shot him full of that drug from Dredd.
Oh hell yes, i just noticed the can of root beer on my desk is actually unopened!
gellaho
Time for another mode of transportation
FancyShark
This book inspired Planes, Trains and Automobiles
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
Mars' moons are so tiny that's a nice detail to notice
Velo, Electric Ghost
Waiting for the reveal that teleporting has been an option this whole time
gellaho
You want me, don't you Sark?
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
"Portatape? You mean VHS?"
gellaho
Just like a wild horse
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Oh is Sark about to put on his Fuckin' Jeans and tell Law "Its because........IM A DOM!"
gellaho
Sark is having a great time
FancyShark
"You really make it weird to admit to doing something for fun"
Brendo
This book is never boring.
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
lol, yeah Law this is a great time to show this guy your unbreakable birdman spirit.
gellaho
And now: the abyss
Brendo
AGAIN?
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
David Lynch should have made this a film instead of Dune
gellaho
A thousand years of the abyss
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
"I didnt melt your brain because we are having a pissing contest and I took Gorilla Flow." is a weird premise for a sci fi book but I dig it.
FancyShark
Oh shit, we're getting Brazil'd
gellaho
Shoat face.
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
I was joking about David Lynch but, damn
gellaho
Three thousand more
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Awwwww yeah its getting all Altered States in here.
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
"Since birdmen only live 2000 years, he's dead, the end"
gellaho
And 18 thousand for good measure
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
He's gonna hit the end of the universe and loop back around
FancyShark
Now he knows what it's like to be at a dance recital
gellaho
Sark. Quite attractive. His mustache is really cool, not weird at all. Sexy.
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
This is what happens when you take LSD and fall asleep in the sensory deprivation tank , kids. Take it from Jakes, dont experiment with psychoactives and sensory deprivation at the same time, or do it with a Safety Buddy.
Sir Robert has a "charming face"? Lol try harder, brainwashing.
Brendo
David Lynch should have directed this instead of Dune.
gellaho
That extra three hundred really did it
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Getting really specific.
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
🎵 And then I'd wait 1,000 more
gellaho
The riddle of how long I've been here
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Its one of those goddam riddles the Riddler likes, such a fucking prick.
Velo, Electric Ghost
I looked away. Did calling the cops not work?
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
Ctrl+H Replace "years" with "seconds"
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
THEYRE NOT EVEN RIDDLES, EDWARD! YOURE JUST PEDANTIC!
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
He tripped ona Sark and fell into a Twin Peaks episode
gellaho
The dungheap of disorder
Velo, Electric Ghost
Oh he's still in the machine isn't he
gellaho
Rawr
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
Lyrics to a metal song
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
SHORT CIRCUIT MY OWN BRAIN! *Death metal growl^
gellaho
Defeated the straps once again
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
kidneyform
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Maybe you COULD if you believed in yourself.
gellaho
The giant mittens of restraint
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Goes really well with the oversize puffy jacket of temperance and the overtight pants of humility.
FancyShark
A giant mitten containing a fox, a badger, a squirrel, a mouse and a rabbit
gellaho
There it is
FancyShark
HE SAID THE THING
Velo, Electric Ghost
THE THING
HE SAID THE THING
FancyShark
LEAN THOSE BUTTOCKS IN VENGEANCE
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Sounds like something a dude would have screamed in The Men Who Stare At Goats.
Velo, Electric Ghost
BUTT BENGEANCE
gellaho
Sark is no longer having a great time
Velo, Electric Ghost
I too ignore when someone write's "I am going to kill them before they make me kill again" in blood on a wall
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
MELT! HIS! FUCKING! BRAIN!
FancyShark
Surely Sark isn't doing all of this to get Law to kill Robert. Why would the scheming guy who hates his boss do such a thing?
gellaho
The belt of motors which supported his belly
FancyShark
Guys, I think this is David Lynch's Dune
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
FancyShark
Someone just switched labels
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Picturing Baron Harkonnen dressed in one of those Fancy Guy White Suits.
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
Pulitzer prize
Brendo
You ever feel like every Jakes protagonist reaches their climactic choice to become the worst version of themselves?
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Yes, its great.
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
The feels a lot like Ennis' Preacher
Brendo
You're finally what they all said you were, Conjob O'Reillyvandalbrute! Pick up your father's Earth-Gun and slay them for mocking your Planet RCA accent!
Brendo
If Starr were the hero.
FancyShark
I mean, depends on the arc
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Sometimes you just have to realize the power of outrageous violence.
FancyShark
I could read an entire series in the vein of War in the Sun
gellaho
Sir Robert with the genuine "ignorant slut"
FancyShark
Sark is just goading him now
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Hahahhahahah Law just cannot believe that a random woman he doesnt really know betrayed him for money.
gellaho
Megayork
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Okay Megayork goes hard.
But space it out, Jakes, so people cant pronounce it "Me Gay Ork."
FancyShark
Good for that ork
Brendo
Betrayed by a woman he briefly met in a professional capacity who chose loyalty to her employer over losing all she had for a psychedelic assassin from the mud-huts.
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Because Orks are all male, Jakes. All Orks are gay.
Brendo
A story as old as time.