122: The Hybrid John Jakes

gellaho

You all are my clutch of submorons

FancyShark

"They didn't? I'll have to talk to them about that."

gellaho

So chill

Velo, Electric Ghost

"We ran out of taser charges earlier when… anyways, it's nice you're unharmed."

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

The paperwork for "killed by psychic alien birdman hybrid while trying to engage the services of a sex worker" is still being invented and it is tedious.

FancyShark

"Okay, fine. Imagine HUGE lips..."

gellaho

Is the man he killed named "Whye-Chang" or "Whyte-Chang?" Only the fictional editor knows

FancyShark

Either way, he will not Whye-Chang tonight

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

"If I had known that was his name, I would have killed him sooner"

gellaho

Subaltern of the submorons

gellaho

The sexiest lips, those of a female orange

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

"This is my man with the tightest pants"

FancyShark

A nervous robot or a mechanic?

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

A mechwarrior mech or I'm out

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Finding a brain assassin IS a pretty good way to get promoted and not live on the planet where birds destroy your patrols and armored vehicles and the locals are painfully sexy birds.

gellaho

Moisten! Those! LIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPSSSSS

FancyShark

"I don't think it's necessary to bring my hygiene into this, sir"

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

"You get rid of all the birdfuckers in the Corps and then you hardly have a Corps left."

gellaho

Shut your mouth, you scum

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

"Look, son, we all know why we sign up. It isnt the pay and this planet isnt much to look at."

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

Rum, sodomy, and birdfucking

FancyShark

Sark is an interesting villain

gellaho

This is better comedy than the Conan parody Jakes wrote

FancyShark

It really is

DC

I'm kind of missing the thews, though

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Law has the THEWS OF THE MIND!

gellaho

Sark uses his most secret technique: the chair swivel

gellaho

Jakes did confirm he had fleshier thighs than most Omqu

FancyShark

"The power of dance"

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

"Its not that big a deal, I can just melt brains."

"I can tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue."

gellaho

That hissing is probably nothing

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

The hissing is just a space snake, perfectly normal.

gellaho

8 Mile

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Diplomatic rules dont apply when you are talking about maybe getting a psychic assassin.

gellaho

The hissing is perfectly normal

gellaho

That's the sound all chairs make

Brendo

Man-seed so strong it can knock up bird women.

GDC

He got that chair from the Harkonnen rummage sale

Brendo

And give them superpowers.

gellaho

It's pretty close to literal brain-fucking

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

"Oh no, my 'welcome to the team' balloon!"

FancyShark

"I was told if I did it too often I'd go blind"

gellaho

Psychedelia didn't survive the ages

gellaho

Suck it, Iron Butterfly

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

"Hey kid, you interested in joining the Corps? We can use a good psychic birdman assassin and you get three hot meals, a place to sleep and all the cloaca you can fuck."

"Youll go to new places, and meet interesting people, then melt their minds."

Brendo

Law, you are going to get my men SO HIGH

gellaho

Time to get drugged

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

"For.......um........freedom?"

Should have melted his brain.

gellaho

He tried

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

You always melt first THEN ask questions like "May I go?"

gellaho

It's so weird how much more coherent this is than the other Jakes' stuff

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

After they inject the sedative its too late.

I guess Jakes is on more familiar ground with psychic birdmen.

gellaho

I guess this must be the skill he uses for those Civil War books people liked so much

FancyShark

Maybe a psychic bird found him after this

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

Step 1: Mind drug a birdman

Step 2: ...

Step 3: Profit

gellaho

Fermented tiztiz

GDC

Those tiztizzes can really sneak up on you

gellaho

Plasto pneumocouch

gellaho

That is quite a paragraph, I must say

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Its like koumiss but instead of fermented mares milk and honey its made from space bird sweat and mushrooms.

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

Could just say "Inflatable plastic furniture"

FancyShark

Buzzing curtain of nonmatter sounds interesting

gellaho

As do shifting rents

Jesus

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

"I can't believe it's nonmatter!" brand!

FancyShark

Gave him the Iggy Pop treatment

Brendo

Drugged the bastard so hard he woke up in Seussville.

gellaho

The sound of the pervert alarm

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

Sark: "Damn alarm keeps going off, but I'm the only one in here!"

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Damn the Lantern Corps has a much different induction process than the one Hal Jordan went thru.

gellaho

The patch symbolizes irony

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Jakes at least understands the military love of patches.

gellaho

Welcome to next year

FancyShark

lol

wrist calendar

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

"You have been tripping BALLS"

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

Apple watch

Brendo

Seriously, you have been shitting yourself for ONE YEAR

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

"One bird year though, so like, a week"

gellaho

Jeweled wrist calendar

Union buster

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Wait you have mind control drugs but somehow feel the need to have a psychic assassin?

Brendo

[Editor's note, the purple sun takes the Zitarii planet approximately 57 earth-weeks to orbit.]

gellaho

That's probably not good

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Fuck hes in a prison on the sun!

gellaho

Welcome to Jupiter

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

Even a general can't afford rent there

FancyShark

"If you don't like that, there's other channels. I like the one that shows beaches."

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

"If you know what I mean"

Velo, Electric Ghost

"Just so you know, that's a projection of a window onto a solid wall."

"I know."

"We have lost a lot of you bird people to that mistake."

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

"Heres the remote, just to let you know theres like 32 channels of birdfucker porn, and six nature channels."

gellaho

It's honestly mind-blowing how much better this book is written than the Dragonard books

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

"So, 38 channels of porn...."

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

"Also we have cameras covering every inch of your cell so dont think we dont know what youre doing with that."

gellaho

Not to say the Dragonard books aren't glorious, but it's a different kind of glory

FancyShark

Dragonard is mad glory. This is coherent glory.

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

Yes I'm shocked at the coherence

gellaho

Well, fuck

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

"Poooooop"

gellaho

Alright, come on, it's Earth!

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

Those liberals and their felt hats!

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

"Oh and by the way, Law. Welcome to Earf, as one of our ancient philosopher kings said."

gellaho

The idea of colonizing Mercury is insane, FYI

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

What could even be ON Mercury that would make it worthwhile?!

FancyShark

You gotta complete the set

FancyShark

My keys!

gellaho

Because its year is as long as it's day, one side of the planet always faces the sun and is extremely hot, the other extremely cold

gellaho

Except Venus, fuck that place

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Like I understand the old timey "Jungles of Venus" thing because they couldnt have known what was on there but we have a pretty good idea of what is on Mercury.

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

Solar power

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

1.5 rotations per orbit

gellaho

Yeah, not great

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

At least on Venus you could harvest toxic gasses or whatever.

gellaho

Get you some of those military billions

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

And how is this better than a gun?

gellaho

Law spits on your parliament

gellaho

Trippier?

FancyShark

Okay, after so many books about time nazis and space nazis and regular nazis, I really appreciate a villain who is only going to be racist in appearance

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

"I hate everyone with equity"

gellaho

Back to the drugs

FancyShark

"I'll pretend to hate minorities if I get paid" shouldn't be a good character trait, but I appreciate the hustle

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

Guard: "Every day for 13 months now, boss? Maybe we should try something else"

gellaho

They are spending a lot on this one birdman

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

Maybe more on Sark

Velo, Electric Ghost

Birdfucker is special and they know that

gellaho

Yum, nutritional cakes

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

I mean if he just holds out wont the vote just maybe pass and they wont have a use for a psychic birdman? Seems like they should sweeten the pot for him.

FancyShark

"By the way, you have infinite uses of the brain bomb, right?"

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Promise him things, like ..........millet?

Cardboard to bite?

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

Cuttlebone?

FancyShark

Muffins

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

A nice bell for his cage.

gellaho

Can't kill Law, can kill the guards

Brendo

He stopped using passive speech.

FancyShark

Fuck yes. Loophole.

Brendo

But I have to ask if they have drugs of this proficiency why they need Law.

gellaho

I think they are going to pay him. The amount is currently unspecified

FancyShark

Holy shit, that's it

gellaho

The chair foam of rebellion

FancyShark

Mauve starbursts aren't great. I prefer orange or red.

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

Turns out those were also recycling his oxygen

FancyShark

Time to make couch wine

gellaho

Law creates a flail

FancyShark

Hell yes

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

Metal track sting

gellaho

Nerd eats it

FancyShark

Shivs are lame. Prison flails are in.

gellaho

Goddammit, dove

gellaho

This "dived" thing drives me crazy

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

English can be dumb, I'll allow it

FancyShark

I love how it chases you across so many books

gellaho

And dead

Brendo

I've seen cons make spellhands out of a roll of nickels and a wish.

gellaho

And he's out

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Whoops.

FancyShark

God, this book rules

gellaho

He stabs a robot pimp

Brendo

DOVED

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

One second you're at home on the plains and the next you are stabbing a robo pimp on Jupiter. Jokes takes the imagination on such a JOURNEY.

GDC

The new pimpbots are stab-resistant

FancyShark

"BZZZT...We have...hairy...bzzt...scary pu...bzzzt..."

gellaho

Then throws it against the military installation

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

I like to imagine the robot sounds like Cheech from when he was on From Dusk Til Dawn.

Screaming "APPLE PIE POOOOOOOOSAYYYYYYYYYY! at the top of its robovoice.

gellaho

The man who owns the robot pimp is not happy

Brendo

This is one of the more statistically likely occasions for Rex Moran and I have never been more confident we won't see him.

Green light for the Lantern Man.

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Europa sucks, hes been out of the military installation for like 30 seconds and hes being attacked by a prostitute for murdering their pimp bot.

Brendo

Timely reminder that Spock's dad is canonically a GL.

Velo, Electric Ghost

Rex Moran is here in spirit

Brendo

It's like that old saying: you either accept an offer to become a pimp, or you live long enough to murder a pimp.

Although the majority of pimp killers is pimps.

Ladies is pimps too!

FancyShark

It's also known as "a good start"

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Its a pimp eat pimp world out there.

gellaho

He is caught, and Sark is not happy about his lady time getting interrupted

gellaho

FancyShark

The shot only requires one needle but the technician is really bad at finding a vein

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

At least one of the sex workers should have been a robot.

GDC

They caught him mid-birdfuck

Brendo

Again, they have zombie drugs.

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Also if you can have a robot to pimp you why not just build a fuckbot?

Brendo

Or a killbot!

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Program it with over 200 dirty words!

gellaho

Later, the humans and Omqu negotiate via butt slaps

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

If the book veered off to go into the details of Europan prostitution, we'd have typical Book Cage fare

FancyShark

Killbots are expensive. Much better to spend untold billions on a birdman

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

You know what isnt expensive? Fuckbots.

Fuckbot technology is at the forefront of consumer technology.

We will soon have the Apple II of fuckbots.

GDC

Pimpbots have an advantage over fuckbots in that you don't have to worry about pinch points as much,

FancyShark

Right now, the fuckbots only kill. They're useless!

gellaho

If there's anything the past couple of years have taught me, chips will always be cheap and plentiful

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Huh, weird because the killbot team says the killbots only fuck?

FancyShark

Damn. We need better developers.

gellaho

Law is forced to kill the old guy

gellaho

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

It seems like they could have accomplished this with just some of those mind control drugs and a sharp knife.

FancyShark

Then a muffled "oops" as Law recalibrates his aim

gellaho

And he's been blacked out until right now

gellaho

Which is terrifying

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Hey maybe dont have geriatrics talking to the psychic bird men who hurt you with their mindspeech.

FancyShark

It's why everyone avoids Foghorn Leghorn at Six Flags

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

Shit, the old guy died of an unrelated stroke

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

"Hey, whats bird dipshit sign language for "dog faced pony soldier"?

gellaho

Oh, a French negotiator? Who cares

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Oh okay two and a half miles is pretty sweet.

Now im more on board with this plan.

gellaho

I like that Law tries to kill him every time

Velo, Electric Ghost

You'd feel dumb if you didn't try and someone else killed him

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

"Its great, next we are going to Idaho Prime and establishing our own separatist state."

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

ok I'm finally caught up

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

Rising nicely to climax, yesssss

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

this is indeed quite coherent madness

gellaho

Law pretends to go along with killing Kermit

FancyShark

Hi, @Tom Owns Diebel's Grave !

gellaho

Off to Earth

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

HELL YES BRAIN MELT SPACE JOURNO!

FancyShark

It's not easy being O'Dea

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Do a bad job and turn him into Space Alex Jones.

gellaho

Throwing General Electric in here does remind me of Dragonard

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

"The Satanic birdmen are emitting brain radiation that turns frogs on Saturn gay!"

gellaho

The Baron

FancyShark

Again, Sark is weirdly personable for a guy keeping a brainslave

It's all business for him

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

It pays to be polite to your pet psychic assassin.

gellaho

8 Mile

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

How long until AIMS is hunting Law?

gellaho

Law randomly attacks a mechanic to test his power

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

hahahah suck it, random blue collar worker.

get brained.

Velo, Electric Ghost

Fuck yes kill all humans

All of them, Birdfucker

gellaho

The glowglobes of Earth

gellaho

Lassitude

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Well as long as they arent keeping you under for years at a time.

FancyShark

Law is now in his late 70s

gellaho

Kermit with the big lobes

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Sark IS racist, he just hates the Irish and not bird aliens!

FancyShark

Jesus, Kermit. Exercise a bit

Not body shaming. Just, be healthy

gellaho

Sweat detectors, that's a new innovation

gellaho

I mean, new 55 years ago

Brendo

Hi-ho'Dea! Kermit THE negotiator here, sure now lad!

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Cutting edge sci fi deodorant tech!

Brendo

I love how sci-fi writers are always like "in the future, all sex is illegal and drugs are mandatory, but money has been replaced by 3-d printed cupcakes that show how much time you worked on the icing" and then just as conservatively, "And the Irish are still a fisherman race."

gellaho

The probe specialists

Brendo

How late are we going? Stupid Eric Adams makes the NYPL shut down at 8 now instead of 9 or 10

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Awww yeah, its Probin Time.

gellaho

The probe specialists don't seem that good

gellaho

It's definitely going past 8 eastern

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

You dont even need a 4 year degree for probe specialist, its just a certification course you can do online.

Thanks, O'Bama, Space Irish President of 3008.

gellaho

Probelamps

Velo, Electric Ghost

Starting to think they're using my the word 'probe' wrong

gellaho

Probably shouldn't have drugged him right before this

FancyShark

Oopsie

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Maybe also punching your psi assassin in the head is a bad way to get his brain to work good?

gellaho

Law turns it into an area of effect

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Painscream is my favorite Transformer post Gen 1.

gellaho

Then you'll live this next part

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Sweet.

gellaho

Pain! Widen!

gellaho

WIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNN

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Jakes could do well as a lyricist for a metal band.