125: Time Riders: Day of the Predator Alex Scarrow

gellaho

The Book Cage: Episode 125

Time Riders: Day of the Predator

Alex Scarrow is back, and the atrocities come at you fast and loose straight from the top. And I'm not talking about the infinite 9/11s. I only had to read one of these incredibly short chapters to know this was a winner. A "winner" in the Book Cage sense. It's got dinosaurs, more clone-super-cyborg-slaves, and psychological pain for our child protagonists. Join me this Friday, 5pm eastern. You don't really have much of a choice.

gellaho

gellaho

And there's a xenomorph on the cover. For some reason

frumpybadger

that's the Nautja. legally distinct. not actionable in court for either hypothetical entertainment IP.

VernoWhitney

Whew, I checked to make sure this was the second in the series. I didn't want us to skip over any atrocities.

gellaho

I have no idea where this one goes. I only read the first couple of chapters and thought, "Well, this is horrific. Better force this on others"

frumpybadger

Oooh, spicy

Brendo

It is the Hot Dog Way

gellaho

Coming up on the hour it's Time Riders: Day of the Predator. There is no preview to speak of, but read about what great special effects this book has.

Velo

This book shoots fireworks at the reader

frumpybadger

Book Cage's first ever pop-up inductee

Velo

BOOK CAGE

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

CAGE BOOK!

Velo

DINOSAUR 9/11

gellaho

Rawr

Velo

INFINITE 9/11s BROUGHT TO YOU BY DOCTOR PEPPER

gellaho

This is your boy

Velo

Velo

Our boy

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Yeah he looks like someone who tried making games.

frumpybadger

Alex Scarrow was a good -- no, I can't even do the Steele bit. Dude is just horrible at fucking everything.

Velo

This isn't me being mean, that's the first image result I get for him

Brendo

You've seen him at a lifestyle party.

frumpybadger

Yeah, the host.

Brendo

You've seen him at EVERY lifestyle party.

gellaho

Well, this is perfectly sane

Velo

This is me being mean

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

He also looks like the guy who shows up to an orgy but brings neither date nor snack nor invitation.

frumpybadger

oh fuck off with this cryptography bullshit already.

GDC

I forgot my decoder ring

frumpybadger

stab in the dark here but I'm gonna say it decodes to "IF YOU CAN READ THIS GET OUTSIDE MORE"

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Catapulted back in time to when someone tried to get me to read Cryptonomicon and it made me want to die.

gellaho

Who's ready for tragedy!

frumpybadger

Oh man, starting right off with a canon event

VernoWhitney

It says "Help I forgot when to stop writing a Q."

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I just realised Scarrow dresses like me in Red Dead Redepmtion when I'm being ironic

gellaho

We get to find out how Sal was supposed to die! I'm sure this will be fun

mutedsanity

Looks like it's a simple translation cypher, Sherlock Holmes outlines how to break these in The Dancing Men

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

This is Scarrows idea of having your cake and eating it too, killing your characters, but in a quantum kind of way.

gellaho

Oh, looks like her parents are there. As are the annoying British quotes

Brendo

!remind me in 2.5 years if this book predicted a tragedy

gellaho

Because I somehow ended up with a British printing

frumpybadger

My first thought for a disaster victim is definitely to shake their hand and not offer any other aid

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Another thing the UK doesnt do right.

gellaho

Oh, and some other people. Just getting that body count up

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

This is why whenever you go out, you always bring a collapsible entrenching tool.

Velo

Got distracted by the cipher, what's going on?

Brendo

Oh no they altered the timeline so the US never seceded

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

sal's family are trying to outrun a building collapse?

Velo

Oh they should run faster

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

much faster

gellaho

Up to ten soon to be dead. Including young children

gellaho

Yay, adventure!

Velo

Also. Ahem.

Hi @Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion !

Hi @Brendo !

Hi @gellaho !

Hi @frumpybadger !

Hi @GDC !

Hi @VernoWhitney !

Hi @Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Hi @mutedsanity !

gellaho

And here's our dying of old age 27 year old

frumpybadger

Quarter life crisis. We've all been there

Brendo

For your second mission, watch your community die.

Velo

Sal stop thinking about how much your neighbors fuck and start running

gellaho

Alex Scarrow just cannot get enough of 9/11

frumpybadger

Talking about 9/11 like a couple space aliens is a choice.

Velo

Foreshadowing

frumpybadger

"Faaaather, what is ... 'twin towers'?"

gellaho

"Hi, there, you're about to die"

gellaho

frumpybadger

Bedside manner needs some work

gellaho

Especially you, young children. You'll die so much

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

I feel like if someone said "None of YOU are going to survive." in that situation I would have a hard time not stabbing them immediately.

Brendo

She's gonna watch their Time Satan recruit an entire family to his insurgent chrono-army.

Velo

Are we having fun, kids?!

gellaho

I'm just letting this one live because she's good at video games. The rest of you can eat it

frumpybadger

and we thought Professor X was an asshole, jesus

VernoWhitney

*Jayzus

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

"Also I promise I'm not that kind of white guy picking up a teen girl."

gellaho

It really is just horrific

Velo

Something tells me we're going long tonight

gellaho

But let's keep going. Enjoy the despair of parents, kids!

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

"Sorry, we dont have the budget to employ the rest of you, enjoy dying slowly of crush damage and suffocation."

gellaho

And let's end the chapter with a mother pleading for the lives of her children, only to be ignored

gellaho

Fun!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

this is at least as miserable as Michael Grant's Gone series

and not as compelling

Brendo

Really enjoying Professor X's journey from Niles Caulder creep to MLK and then back to "Fuck this child-army motherfucker"

gellaho

I'm sure whatever comes next will be a respite-

gellaho

Oh, right

Brendo

A beautiful Tuesday morning.

VernoWhitney

Just one?

Velo

"I can't hear you I'm going through a time tunnel."

gellaho

Just saying some Irish gibberish

Velo

INFINITE 9/11S!

Is Sal the one that got eaten alive last time?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

yeah

Velo

WHEEE

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

"Welcome to our office, situated in senic Infinite 9\11! A thing you have no context for caring about!"

gellaho

Which she doesn't know about

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"but you will!"

Brendo

So I live right by where I was on 9/11 and now all the playgrounds and stuff have 20-year old memorials, so every run I go on is a weird "Oh yeah...that was a horrific day." experience. This is as close to Time Riding as it gets.

frumpybadger

Okay now that it's solidified for me that this is written by a British sex party creep. It's really REALLY fucking weird that we're lingering on scenes of Commonwealth children being miserable for so long.

Like. That is a weirdly specific fixation to have, Alex.

gellaho

Time to talk to the android brain Liam had to pry out of a skull

Velo

Oh hey Bob's back!

Good

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"if only some brave hero could have guided my people down a different path," Sal thought ethnically.

Velo

Bob was the best character

gellaho

44 9/11s, baby!

Velo

"Oim an Oiroshmon Oi om" Liam thought in his natural dialect

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

How sad do you have to be to get sympathy from a brain in a jar that used to be in a vat grown Frankenstein monster?

Brendo

Oh yeah, they had to nerf Wet Bob for any story to advance.

Velo

The infinite 9/11s are only background for the awful things this book will do

Wet Bob gave his life to stop the man who prevented the holocaust and global warming

gellaho

"Harry Potter is just a fad, unlike my work which will live in children's hearts forever!" - Alex Scarrow

Brendo

God, it's been almost three months. Forget your stupid dead parents and don't even think of sending them an email today.

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Otherwise wed keep asking "Why do they not just use meat golems like Wet Bob for everything?"

Brendo

He went full Dr. Doom. Solved every problem and then committed Narcissist Suicide.

frumpybadger

Yeah Red Son Luthor kinda owns.

Brendo

So does Bob live on like...an XP Pentium 4 processor?

gellaho

Oh, and @FancyShark you'll need to add 10 to the Atrocitometer

gellaho

It's supposed to be a future computer, but seems to struggle

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Terabytes?

Honey, its a text parser.

Brendo

Bob is ChatGPT

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Do you think Bob can run Doom?

Oooh or maybe Zork!

Brendo

"Vanilla is the best flavor based on broad orchid linguophomes"

Incorrect, Bob. Chocolate is best.

"I'm sorry, I'm still learning."

Bob, as someone who recently changed bodies, what's your opinion of JK Rowling?

gellaho

So, the workmen got all that done in two days? They'd have to

VernoWhitney

Shouldn't that be measured in teraflops or teraHz or something? Like you're just making things up, Alex.

Velo

This new generator will certainly not break or malfunction atall

frumpybadger

Liam got the hang of Mario kart pretty quick for an early 20th century preteen who died in the fucking Atlantic Ocean.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

that's Nintendo polish for you

VernoWhitney

N64 controllers were designed based on technology from coal mines and textile mills.

Velo

Liam spent at least a year in a concentration camp

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

I mean I dont blame him. MarioKart fucks.

gellaho

Sal was described as a video game master

gellaho

Weird that she know uses phrases like "one of those Nintendo machines"

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

FlexiBoy is very suggestive.

In 2 years Nintendo starts making nubile twinks?

frumpybadger

God I hope so.

gellaho

So, anyway, looks like we're bringing back some language in 2026

GDC

Flexiboys proved much more succesful than virtual boys.

frumpybadger

Jesus Christ, Scarrow.

gellaho

It's not like those hospitals are going to need any of that plasma in, say, 6 hours

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Its fine, theres always the next 9\11.

Velo

The timeloop madness is setting in

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh are we going on a Time Heist for Future Foetuses

frumpybadger

"What we don't have yet, though, are the foetuses"

One of those sentences that should make you stop and say "are we the baddies?"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

(you can have that title Scarrow, you're welcome)

gellaho

Let's get these teens half naked and wet

frumpybadger

Ohhhh don't invoke this imagery Swinger Supervillain author.

This gets you on a list.

Velo

gellaho

Illegal Genetic Engineering for Dummies

Brendo

Maybe they kept entering through the time-loop and exiting, never realizing the two weeks they worked were the same couple days. It wouldn't even age them as much because it's a tight loop.

Brendo

Sorry...did he predict the rise of Pokemon and switch or something?

gellaho

"You fucking idiots killed all our slave tubes, huh?"

Brendo

A natural outgrowth from Link.

gellaho

Can't really predict the rise of Pokémon in 2010

Velo

Some of these books are distressingly recent

gellaho

They'll only be more recent as we go

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

You can if you are doing it from Infinite 9\11!

Brendo

But that's four years before the AR craze

gellaho

Jesus Fucking Christ

gellaho

frumpybadger

:Torchy:

Ozzie

They don't have a mulcher at least?

We're just dumping them like mobsters?

Brendo

Child Bob drowned in his own shit CONFIRMED follow me for more Marvel BtS scoops!

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Hahahahahahah jesus you fucks dont even have like a biomass recycling thing? Just dumping child corpses in the river on Infinite 9\11.

GDC

I killed a goldfish like that once.

gellaho

Good news: we have a whole vault of tube slaves

VernoWhitney

For sale: baby cement shoes. Worn once.

Velo

Hi @Ozzie !

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Why the hell would they not be delivered to their door? Does Future Time DoorDash charge too much?

gellaho

Time for some more historic tragedies!

gellaho

Hard to get them from 1906

Velo

Yaaaaay fires

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

They need to get branch offices and shit.

gellaho

Add to the Jayzus count

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Its really inefficent to make your time squad go get their own vat grown tube men.

Velo

Starting a new count

gellaho

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Its the American way!

Velo

That way we get Jayzus per book and Dr Pepper per book

gellaho

I should point out that the "Chinese guy" is from Texas

As seen here

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Its the Texan way to blame Chinese Americans for things.

gellaho

This Ed Chan is a real dweeb

Brendo

"Jaysis Christ, it's 121 degrees, moaned Liam, who was dressed like Elmer Fudd when Bugs steals his clothes."

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

So why did Bob from the first book have to start from scratch? Why didn't Foster have an A.I on file?

gellaho

Scarrow got a real thing about Hannah Montana

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Was he stupid?

gellaho

The electric time specter ate his entire previous team

I assume the computer chip probably wouldn't survive the time energy vampire

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Don't you give me those reasonable explanations 😆

gellaho

Alex Scarrow thought Hannah Montana would outlast Harry Potter

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Finger on the pulse of the youth

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

He just didnt know about Miley Cyrus and her many switchblades.

gellaho

The "most improved" school trip. We all remember that one

Velo

That's a nice way of saying these are the idiot children

It's alright if these die in some sort of historic earthquake

gellaho

Hey, Alex? It's called a bus

gellaho

You guys also call them busses

What are you doing

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Texas Advanced Energy reasearch is basically "So how do we make coal popular again?"

gellaho

And now, one of the teens is naked

Velo

...

gellaho

Period clothing provided by... someone

Velo

Are we here to recruit more urchins

gellaho

Now Liam is all horned up

Velo

Liam's got a thing for hats

gellaho

Scarrow, you are a weird dude

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

"Faith an begorrah, ye have me shillelagh standing upright ye do."

gellaho

Forage caps

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Also this means all the 1906 fellas could see Maddy clumsily changing in an alley

gellaho

Liam has a bone to pick with one James Cameron

VernoWhitney

Yeah, I guess they chose not to stay in the back room for that.

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

I mean..........hes not wrong.

GDC

Wait until he learns about call of duty

gellaho

April eighteenth, which is how people write dates

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"Hey Maddy, found some great plane crash movies for us to watch," Liam said 3 weeks later.

gellaho

He's only familiar with bullshit WWII anyway

Velo

That came dangerously close to a jayzus

gellaho

He's been saying Jeez a lot

Just in this one

Velo

"Strikes me as a bit stupid" YES LIAM YES IT DOES DOESN'T IT

VernoWhitney

He doesn't shorten it to Jayz?

Velo

FOLLOW THAT THOUGHT ALEX

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Liam, the Time Agency feeds on misery

gellaho

No, see, it's genius

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Ma'am who is gonna care about your fuckin paperwork?

gellaho

The "foetus" spelling is really something else

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"who wants to go on a trip to sunny Pompeii?! 😎

Velo

Excuse me for a minute I have to go fistfight a man in an ascot

gellaho

Well, luckily that term was barely ever used

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Snickers bar, good one

Let's come up with some more wacky modern terms for Liam to misunderstand

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Hahahahahh thats not even how you spell 7Up Alex.

Velo

Liam is recovering well from his concentration camp experience

gellaho

It's great to make strip club jokes in children's books

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"internet? What is this, a fishing trawler?"

gellaho

Add to the Jayzus count

Velo

That brings us to 2

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Oh right this book is for children.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I keep forgetting this is made for kids

gellaho

Well, you know, if you experience exponential trauma every day you become numb to it

VernoWhitney

It's sold to kids. I've no idea who it was made for.

Velo

Liam is broken in ways science will never understand

gellaho

He didn't really bail as much as left to die due to time travel disease

Velo

Leonard Lassiter is absolutely Alex's sex name

gellaho

Which Liam will also have, but you haven't told him that

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Christ, Maddy, he needs to know his name

Brendo

It's only because they call it a Marathon in the UK

gellaho

THIS IS NOT SUSPICIOUS AT ALL, SIR

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Good job Time Agency

Competent as ever

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

I feel like 1906 racism would cause a bank teller to question the legitimacy of an American woman coming in with her Irish accented brother and asking for things under someone elses name.

gellaho

Dumb-nuts

gellaho

Her nuts are very dumb

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Well this is going to shit faster than usual

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Practically walnuts, the dumbest nut.

gellaho

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

hahahahaha

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Ughhhhhhhhhh

VernoWhitney

He ain't Irish; he's my brother.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

It's almost like recruiting a bunch of kids out of the claws of death wasn't a good idea

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

"Sir.......ma'am........... You need to leave before I call the police and have you arrested for fraud and being Irish."

gellaho

"Cock-swallowing bitch tits"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"Fuck my ass, what was that code..."

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

"Fuck your mother is the password, gimme our goddam fetuses."