125: Time Riders: Day of the Predator Alex Scarrow

Velo

Quick, push him out!

frumpybadger

oh my god. it really was an inside job this time

gellaho

What

Velo

Leave him here it'll be so funny

frumpybadger

hahaha they fucked with time so hard they ended up with D20 Modern.

that honestly kind of rules.

gellaho

They actually have to do that before Liam steals the tablet

Velo

Scarrow briefly shows us that he could have written a much cooler book

gellaho

That's why they threw the corpse out

FancyShark

If they undo all the child murder, this book will have ended exactly where it began

frumpybadger

a hero's journey if ever there was one

gellaho

NO ONE WILL TAKE CRIPPLING LONELINESS AWAY FROM ME! NOBODY!

FancyShark

Do it, Maddy. Ruin another life.

Velo

"I make sweet love to this agency every night!"

gellaho

Meanwhile, Liam creeps on some children

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Is it ruining, to give him a life that has nothing to do with time travel? Time travel seems to exclusively make lives worse

Velo

Hi @Dangerously Affordable Rachel :p

FancyShark

Scarrow only ruins lives

frumpybadger

"THIS IS MY ROCK! MY ROCK!!"

gellaho

Check out my cool stuff, kids

Velo

"Okay but your agency finished what they're doing. The answer was harry potter. There's no other secret."

gellaho

+1

Velo

27

FancyShark

"We've got boxes filled with dino claws, you bastard. Someone butchered a whole mess of the things at some point around here."

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"after all this time" for Liam was like yesterday

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

They find a fossil with a bullet in its skull

gellaho

Liam decides to take a kid's yo-yo, just for fun

Velo

This could have been cut

frumpybadger

Evergreen critique

Velo

Everyone take a moment to imagine the Nothing we could have had instead of this moment

gellaho

You need to know he gambled with fucking with the past by taking a kid's yo-yo for no reason

Velo

I hope this is the inciting incident for the next 6 books

gellaho

The stutter indicates being firm

frumpybadger

just fucking push him already.

FancyShark

Cartwright, do what she says

You didn't see what happened to those kids she teleported

frumpybadger

one Captain Kirk dropkick and this is over. what are we doing here

gellaho

Clearly the date in September we will remember forever

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

"tension"

Velo

Maddy has the courage of Whitmore. Not the Whitmore who pissed himself and then died, the Whitmore who is currently a corpse.

gellaho

The fall of Atlantis?

frumpybadger

Atlantis was never real, dude

Velo

Those are increasingly boring

frumpybadger

this is some "bats aren't bugs" shit

gellaho

I wanted to focus on how weird it was to want to see the Crucifixion and Pompeii, but that's straight crazy

Velo

Two of those are 'a guy gets on or off a boat"

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

Washington crossing the Delware is both

In short succession

frumpybadger

goes back to shake Columbus' hand, dies of disease strains that modern medicine is completely unprepared for

Velo

The shit that happened after crossing the Delaware is super important and exciting, but that moment is incredibly nothing

No one's even talking! They crossed in silence!

FancyShark

Cartwright, go back in time to tell them to cancel the Challenger launch

You will learn a LOT

Velo

No don't it'll be funny

gellaho

Well, they don't get Cartwright out. Instead, he gets caught in the time bubble

FancyShark

AHAHAHAHA

frumpybadger

hahaha fuck you, you're not Event Horizon.

FancyShark

They sent him to Hell

Velo

Straight to hell

FancyShark

Maddy, you are so bad at this

Velo

Cartwright could have saved several worlds by shooting Maddy right in the head

gellaho

Which sends him into a different dimension, even though it should have merged him with Liam

gellaho

Because, you know, that's what happened in the last book

You know, a normal Cronenberg thing for kids

frumpybadger

the only Timecop in this cast didn't even get Timecopped.

this shit sucks, man

gellaho

Liam throws up on Cartwright's dismembered hand

gellaho

Fun!

Velo

Aw Badger cheer up, it sucked long before this

This could've been cut

FancyShark

We're gonna get to book seven and Cartwright is going to claw back out of Hell, a Demogorgon hand fused to his stump

gellaho

Thank God we're back in 9/11

gellaho

It was! Zing!

Velo

I missed 9/11 so much

gellaho

Meanwhile, time to burn

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

"We could be having a 69, all we need is 10 fewer people"

FancyShark

"It could have been nice"

gellaho

Just a bunch of burning teen corpses

For the kids

Let's take stock of the missing dead children

frumpybadger

awful nice of him to provide a tidy tally here for the atrocitymeter

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

A new favorite insult

gellaho

Imagine the fleshy mess of her arm, filled with bugs and dirt, children! Why are you crying?

gellaho

My processors have computed a hug

frumpybadger

what's this "we" shit

the robot has been hard carrying this entire team

Velo

Liam tricked some children!

gellaho

Happy 50th 9/11, everyone!

gellaho

I'm sure Edward and Laura really wanted to stick around for a couple more 9/11s

Velo

Which brought the total Times Liam Has Done Something count to 1

frumpybadger

things to do, lives to lead, disasters to die in

Velo

Which is the same as the last book

FancyShark

Liam is allowed one action per book

gellaho

Let's get some more tragedy in here

frumpybadger

hahahahahaaHAHAHAHAHAHA

FancyShark

And his son would go on to compete on Battle Dome

frumpybadger

the fucking balls to put "this is so sad" as a parenthetical aside

in this book

Velo

These books are like Bingo they hate their cast so much

frumpybadger

He'll be dead from time cancer!!

gellaho

Suck it, Laura

frumpybadger

that you gave him!!

because of the time travel he invented!!

you stupid fucks!!

Velo

Hahhahaha fuck off Scarrow

gellaho

No, just regular cancer

gellaho

And what of Howard, time assassin? Don't worry about it

gellaho

He didn't go back to kill Edward this time... for reasons

She's my girlfriend meatbot

frumpybadger

I've heard of sequel hooks but never a reboot hook

FancyShark

Liam, don't fuck the half-dead killbot

gellaho

All the cyborg slaves we want! Yay!

FancyShark

But we will continue to throw Liam through time because he coughs funny

gellaho

Meanwhile, Maddy manages to find their cancer-riddled, 27-year-old mentor

FancyShark

"You got a lot of people killed, Maddy"

Velo

Hey @gellaho can we get the cypher from the beginning when this is over? I have the answer and it is dumb

gellaho

Scarrow decides to stop beating around the jurassic bush

Velo

"Where else" literally any of the many many benches or parks along the river or looking out to sea

I don't think Scarrow knows where New York City is

gellaho

Scarrow uses a computer virus as a metaphor to explain cancer

gellaho

Maybe don't use a metaphor to explain a metaphor

FancyShark

"By the way, I forgot to tell you: Make sure you disengage the lever on the side of the computer or anyone you send through time has a chance of exploding."

gellaho

A great organization

frumpybadger

"The author hasn't gotten that far yet"

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

"organization"

FancyShark

There is no organization, is there

gellaho

I'm not sure how you got new glasses in a day, but alright

FancyShark

Or they're all dead

gellaho

He's a hack, so it'll be secretly evil or run by a computer or whatever

Velo

Bob IS the organization

FancyShark

"You want it when?"

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

time travel, perhaps?

gellaho

Oh, no

Oh, goddammit

gellaho

I quadruple down on this

FancyShark

oh no

gellaho

I fucking hate you so much, Alex Scarrow

gellaho

You fucking hack

I'm so annoyed

Velo

Velo

This has never felt more appropriate

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

acute radiation sickness is very recoverable except for high doses, Liam should be fine if he takes breaks

gellaho

It also leaves a lot of questions about the shit he said when he recruited them

Like how he led the previous team, who was young and got killed by electric time vampires

Even though he's only 27

And if Maddy or Sal died, they would just come back

Velo

Scarrow forgot that

gellaho

Given that Sal already died and came back

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

All problems can be solved with enough time travel and bullshit

Velo

I bet Scarrow forgets this too

FancyShark

This implies that Liam eventually learns everything about modern society

Which, come on

Velo

This will maybe get brought up in the next book and then never again

gellaho

What a helpful chart

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

"I'm not my own grandfather, I'm my own me!"

gellaho

And somehow lost his accent

Velo

jungle!

FancyShark

Or it'll be "He's me in a metaphorical sense" because they're both dying of time cancer

Because, again, Scarrow is a hack

gellaho

Oh, we're going full Time Wars now

Velo

Wait what

FancyShark

hahaha

Velo

But

But no

FancyShark

ahahahahaha

gellaho

Quite literally, the first Time Wars was Robin Hood

I think Simon Hawke has a lawsuit

Velo

But no now the cypher is even dumber

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

English heritage has a lawsuit

frumpybadger

Uuuuuuuuuugggggghhjhhhhhhghhhh

gellaho

Velo

IF YOU HAVE MANAGED TO DECODE THIS THEN YOU UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF ONE WORD PANDORA

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

Is the twist that Scarrow has been Simon Hawke the whole time?

gellaho

What

FancyShark

haha what

Velo

I said it was dumb!

frumpybadger

No I haven't. Fuck you.

Velo

Now it's dumber!

I thought it was like a clue for the next book

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

What was the key?

gellaho

We ahve defeate Time Riders: Day of the Predator

FancyShark

We did it!

Velo

Oh I brute forced the fuck out of this

FancyShark

Oh, I like that altered cover

That's a good un

gellaho

That joins the pantheon of terrible book endings

FancyShark

Thank you, @gellaho !

Great job, everybody!

gellaho

Right up there with The New AToms Bombshell

frumpybadger

Hate

Velo

This feels worse than Crash Course

frumpybadger

Honestly it didn't really sink in until the Liam reveal

But this is one of the worst so far

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

Y, U, and T are not cyphered...

gellaho

So concludes the 125th Edition of The Book Cage

Velo

AND THERE ARE SIX MORE

Velo

He's not good at this

FancyShark

Atrocimeter: Final Tally

Book Two

-Additional 9/11s? - 10

-Pandora's Dude - 1

-Feeding tube trial runs - Unknown but probably at least 3

-Sort of killing Bob by replacing his brain - 1

-Teen gibbed by Maddy's time mistake - 1

-More children gibbed by Maddy's mistake - 15

-Not saving tiny dino eaten by the fire - 1

-Adults talking about breeding possibilities with teenagers in Cretacious - Are you fucking serious, Scarrow

-Child eaten alive by dinosaur - 1

-Killed a Velo - 1

-Franklyn trying to film a talking dinosaur with his phone after learning about time travel - He dies but we don't care

-Time tablet leads to JFK assassination - 2

-Government conspiracy hijinks - 3+

-Threatening children with torture - 2

-Rewrote time with Xenomorph-Dinos - ~15 billion humans

-Keisha Jackson killed by dinoxaurs - 1

-Juan killed by dinoxaurs - 1

-Misc children killed by dinoxaurs - 6

-Akira killed by dinoxaurs - 1

-Jasmine killed by dinoxaurs - 1

-Genociding the dinoxaurs - 30-40

-Sent Cartwright to Hell because Maddy can't persuade - 1

-Cancer on Edward - 1

-That stupid twist - Fuck you, Scarrow

-The cypher

-This book

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

5 year old me was making better codes

Velo

Day of the Predator

Jayzus 27

Dr Pepper 3

Times Liam Has Done Something 1

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

Oh that was the Jayzus count

I thought it was the body count

Velo

No Shark has that

gellaho

Seven

Velo

THERE ARE SEVEN MORE

frumpybadger

Oh god damn it

now you tell me

Velo

The one after the next one has my favorite cover

gellaho

Everyone knows Robin Hood's famous red cloak

Velo

That's how fucked up history got, man! Little Red Robin Hood, man!

gellaho

Remember: if your dreams of being a rockstar or game developer fail, you can write terrible books for kids. And still claim to be a rockstar.

FancyShark

Have a good night, everyone!

Velo

Remember Pandora!

I hope that never comes up again

gellaho

Wait

Just remembered this bit I skipped

gellaho

And that he has the same fucked up eye

Velo

"Like you" was the most foreshadowing Scarrow could manage

gellaho

So Scarrow's writing that Foster and Liam are going through the same things, but also not going through the same things at all

Velo

Yeah time is both linear and cyclacle

They are physically the same so the symptoms of Time Sickness show up the same but they aren't temporally the same

It's extremely hack because it also means that it doesn't really matter

gellaho

I'm going to be stuck on this stupid twist for a week. Like, did was team that got killed by the interdimensional electricity ghost also Liam, Maddy, and Sal?

frumpybadger

Liam went through all of this and the next seven books and was perfectly fine perpetuating it on his younger self back and forth forever

Like a hero would do

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I thought Foster was stuck recruiting Liam, Sal and Maddy because he'd already burned through the list of better candidates who died in convenient time-travel-recruitable accidents. But if he can recruit alternate-timeline duplicates of the same people, then these three chucklefucks really are the best he can do?

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

After going through all that shit, I guess it's nice to be on the other side of all that shit?

frumpybadger

boys will really do literally anything except go to therapy