125: Time Riders: Day of the Predator Alex Scarrow

FancyShark

Hi, @gellaho ! Y'know, when you're good

Hi, @Tom Owns Diebel's Grave !

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"Ello ello ello, what's all this then?"

oh no guys it's the fuzz, play it cool!

"I 'ope you gents aren't about to take part in an unlisenced book cage?"

FancyShark

No no no no no no no no

Well, yes

A bit

Hi, @Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion !

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Hey yall!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

straight to jail

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Also my book caging license is fully up to date.

Its valid in The Gambia and three feet of Scotland.

gellaho

Once more unto the breach

Brendo

I am arrived, brethren!

Your predator walks among ye at last!

FancyShark

HELLO, @Brendo !

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Hell yes, time for dinosaur 9\11

Velo

We've killed 16 kids in this book so far

gellaho

Maddie's enjoying her 9/12

FancyShark

Maddy doesn't get why these wet blankets are still crying

Velo

I thought the loop was 9/10 and 9/11

Brendo

Hey, maybe they're aging and dying young because 1/3 of their lives is breathing in this 9/11 dust

FancyShark

I think Maddie sucks at vacations

gellaho

She's exited the loop in order to find the cancer riddled 27 year old

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

I dunno, going on a vacation to senic 9\11? Might be rad.

Velo

Oh right I remember that now

Velo

Thank you for the reminder

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Youd think shed have tagged him with like a geo locator or something just in case she needed a consultation or he turned out to have not written down the wifi password.

FancyShark

She's searched one place. She's ready to give up.

Brendo

They have no idea whom they're working for.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I bet if she'd tried he'd have run away. This existence sucks in every way possible

gellaho

Good to know I'm Maddy's age. Although seeing the news footage affected me more than this sociopath

gellaho

Tech-Meccano

Brendo

Dad just watching TV: shitfuckgodcuntlookatthistragedymychristingfarts

FancyShark

She tried to build her own Transformer and only succeeded in killing the neighbor's kid

gellaho

Hey, guess what?

Meccano is not an American thing

gellaho

Good job, Scarrow

VernoWhitney

She can't figure out her own age on a known date? Doesn't know her birthday, or can't do math?

FancyShark

Hi, @VernoWhitney !

Velo

Maddy's not good at this and by "this" I mean life

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Crucially, they wont sue you if you put their product in your book about infinite 9\11 kids and Hitlersaurus. Lego deffo will.

gellaho

Is it a nice idea?

FancyShark

You piss off Lego, maybe you step on something you shouldn't in the middle of the night, capice?

Brendo

Why doesn't she travel to the day after the flight and tell them she's fine?

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

The Lego Kill Team ends you, but with a needle gun that fires lego wheel axles. The gun is also made of lego.

gellaho

Well, you accidentally bumped them back 65 million years, so they probably won't be sending you a message

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

because the act of time traveling will make her not fine

FancyShark

A discreet message like "WE ARE FROM ETERNAL 9/11"

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

"Quick, scratch something into some dinosaur bones so Maddie knows we wont be back for dinner!"

gellaho

No, they in dinosaur times

Velo

No that's profoundly not possible

One of the least possible things ever

frumpybadger

Although now that you bring it up the idea of my fossilized pressed hams showing up to confuse scientists millennia later is extremely intriguing

gellaho

Meanwhile, in those dinosaur times

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

"Dear Ms Maddie. I represent the sixty million year old law firm of Grung, Skree, and Shuster. We have been keeping this note for you since the late Cretacious period. It reads, and I quote: "Aieeeeeeeeeee."

FancyShark

"All I need is the blood of one Irishman"

Velo

"All of it, to be clear. Every last drop."

gellaho

Faith and begorrah, I don't know what numbers be

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Oh right their tube golem is a hot girl now.

Brendo

She could do a Back to the Future II.

Velo

It's like you learned nothing in the concentration camp, Liam

FancyShark

collage

gellaho

Hasn't picked up human speech patterns, has learned eye rolling

ProfessorRocketsurgeon

why would anyone read This Is How You Lose the Time Wars when you could read this, how an author loses the time novel dignity

FancyShark

Hi, @ProfessorRocketsurgeon !

ProfessorRocketsurgeon

sup fancy

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Liam needs to watch some Star Trek.

frumpybadger

"assume"?

Brendo

I forget about Female Wet Bob, codename Pert Boob

VernoWhitney

"Explain like I'm five, but with a rapidly-aging body."

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Shits lousy with tachyons.

FancyShark

Liam should learn about O'brian

Velo

"Explain it to me like I should have drowned."

gellaho

Add it to the tally

Velo

13

FancyShark

After brief calculations, she determines they are in 1969 and on the moon

Velo

Becks is going to die so hard

FancyShark

They are squished by the Apollo mission

gellaho

I'm not sure how Bob's infant brain would feel about this

FancyShark

Punch him back. Break him in half.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I don't get how it will help them to know if theyre in 65 million b.c.e or 66

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

I mean you dont want your time portal landing a million years off.

FancyShark

Maddie better teleport back a T-rex or what's the point

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

One assumes theyre going to get back somehow.

gellaho

That certainly is a problem

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

But it would be funny as hell if they just never go back and are cave people now.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

yeah but they don't have any tech with them and I refuse the premise that they can send a message to maddy from here

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

The college kids just go feral and dont want to leave the jungle primeval.

FancyShark

They have a rock and multiple students filled with bones. They can write something out.

Brendo

Tachyons aren't real, you dork, just do a carbon decay

gellaho

I mean, based on how the 27 year old turned into a cancer-ridden 90 year old, Liam and all the other kids should be giant tumors

FancyShark

Keeping my fingers crossed it goes full Cronenberg

gellaho

That's how you refer to the human body part, sure

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I can only assume it's the number of time trips that gives you time cancer, not the distance travelled

gellaho

I mean, it has

FancyShark

Oh right. It's even on the list. Woopsie!

gellaho

Explicitly not in the text

gellaho

Yeah, I made you read the fetus needling

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

haha that's why I'm assuming

Velo

"Archaeologists were shocked to discover a number of human bones which seemed to be arranged to spell out 'Hi Maddy how are you it is me Liam. Your friend, Liam, from Ireland. I am in the year 64 million B.C. Oh dang I am running out of child limbs to write with sorry"

gellaho

Just really nailing the American verbiage

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"tell Sal that becks learned eye-rolling off the webcam which is cool"

"oh yeah becks is what I named female bob"

Velo

Oim from Texas oi am

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"anyway-"

gellaho

Meanwhile, the dinosaurs that murdered the children watch

FancyShark

"P.S. I used a bee as a staple to attach the IDs of the kids you turned into paste."

Fuck yes

Dino narration

gellaho

This is how animals think, sure

FancyShark

"They are smarter than us. See how the one asks what numbers are?"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I think these are meant to be an unknown species of sapient dinosaur

Brendo

Wuxtry! Wuxtry! Irish boy loses virginity to gynoid, Pope condemns! Read all about it!

Velo

Befriend the sapient dinosaurs!

FancyShark

Until I see otherwise, I'm picturing a legion of Velos

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"help us get back to our time and you can feast on the misery of an infinite 9/11s"

Brendo

P.S. Jayzis

FancyShark

Yes, with the pride flags

gellaho

No animals have ever captured fish

FancyShark

The river creature is a rock.

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

As seen in the journalistic publication series, Dinosaurs For Hire.

Brendo

She's not human and they're explicitly for sexual congress in defiance of God, so it's correct.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

to be fair tool use is rare. I'm gonna defend this bit because it's the kind of creepy I like

Velo

Okay but they'll need to be more threatening. One sec.

gellaho

The dinosaur seems sexually interested in Liam

gellaho

Brendo

Scarrow just got back from Jurassic Park: The Lost World and he has some IDEAS

FancyShark

One way or another, Liam is getting laid before he goes home

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh cool, yeah eat Liam's heart and gain all his knowledge

it will probably make very little difference

FancyShark

The dinosaur eats his heart and gains negative INT

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

And a passion for eating soda bread.

ProfessorRocketsurgeon

"A Virginity 65 Million Years in the Taking"

Brendo

HOLD UP THE DINOSAURS HAVE SENTIENCE

gellaho

Four feet of wriggling wet meat

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I already did this

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Thats right, atheists, dinosaurs were sapient and could talk and be my best friend.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

also "four feet of wriggling wet meat" can we ever be normal, Liam? Do we have to be Gollum in our thoughts?

gellaho

Liam, who foiled a hundred years of world Nazi rule, feels inadequate

Velo

To be fair he's an incompetent idiot and a failure, so that makes sense

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Liam mostly sat in prison slowly dying for that adventure

FancyShark

And he has time cancer, which makes him lesser

Velo

Yeah I'm not crediting him with beating the nazis, that was 100% Bob

gellaho

Liam thinks the way all those people in those concentration camps died is hilarious

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

On the bright side his body has enough tumors it technically counts as ablative sub dermal armor.

FancyShark

Velo scooped the book

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I'll bet Captain Freedom is a british comic

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Liberian, surprisingly.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh no apparently american

Brendo

Don't complain to me about it, drop a SCOOP emoji and tear out my heart to see the fear in my pale blue eyes.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

published by Harvey Comics in new york

gellaho

What a fun reading adventure for the children

Velo

That's

What

That's not how you catch fish

That's not how you cook fish

That's not how fish die

FancyShark

Great job, asshole. Now humans evolve nostrils on their elbows

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

haha it's a compy that falls in the fire screaing, not a fish

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

I feel like a small lizard would just not hop onto a grill.

Brendo

I think the procompsignathid fell in the fire and died trying to steal fish.

gellaho

Add two to the tally

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Nor a medium or large lizard.

Brendo

OKAY I AM CAUGHT UP TO TOM

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

FUCKIN SCOOPED YA

Brendo

Scooped your scoop!

Velo

15 which makes us average at 2 per chapter

FancyShark

I hope the tiny dinos are the creatures sizing up Liam for murder

Just dinos with the mentality of cats

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

was just about to say, yeah that would be fun

FancyShark

"Yeah, I can take 'em"

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

They definitely are, just probably not the ones in the narrative.

gellaho

I'm not sure you got that math right

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

The little ones just wait til theres enough of them and start biting, like piranha with legs.

Velo

I don't know who put me in charge of numbers

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

And they can jump to about dick height.

Brendo

BRB gonna go get sushi so I don't fall into a fire.

gellaho

The children have completed their ancient fortress

FancyShark

Then a light breeze brings in a gentle rain and everything collapses

Velo

And Becks short circuits. And Liam drowns.

FancyShark

One child is somehow impaled on rebar

Velo

We follow Liam's drowning thoughts for three chapters

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Hahahahah its funny, but a rex wouldnt even bother with something cointaining a couple hundred pounds of human when they could hork down something bigger.

gellaho

That is a coincidence

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Now a smaller theropod tho, a human is prime hunting.

FancyShark

You idiots already scrambled history. The first fossils are now going to be found in Rhode Island

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Also that had a real "Fuck you, Liam, its called DINOSAUR VALLEY!" energy.

Brendo

Look around you, children. One day all of this will stubbornly insist on shooting itself in the foot in the name of freedom (="right to be a dick")

gellaho

That is convenient

VernoWhitney

The power grid in that area works just as well back then, too.

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Hurray for the power of the USGS.

gellaho

This is a very stupid idea

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

The smart thing to do would be leave a message too stupid to be believed to be authentic so only cranks know about it.

Brendo

A metaphor for civilization.

gellaho

Totally paranoid douche bags

gellaho

Brendo

No, I dig it.

"Warp drive instructions, Maddy call me"

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

God, dude. It was a Soviet spy craft. Obviously. Now you can stop wondering, because it was communists all along.

gellaho

This only makes sense if important information has never gotten out

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Liam is listening to a complete moron, neat.

Enjoy being dinosaur poop.

Brendo

Liam is a shanty Irish teen from 1912, he has absolutely no concept of the deep state

Velo

This is the dumbest thing Alex Scarrow has done

Brendo

He comes from a time when the Russian royals just drunkenly crashed a train and were like "Sucks that we spilled our drinks running over the human chattel." No cloak and dagger were necessary

gellaho

Once again, having characters named Lam and Liam is just a great idea

Velo

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Hey! You forgot they would also imply the tracks were Jewish. You have to be fair and balanced to the Tsars.

FancyShark

Liam's going to start another religion based around the Bob, isn't he

gellaho

Meanwhile, on 9/11

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

And when I said "imply" I should have said "literally said that thing."

Brendo

If this dude isn't a satanist, nobody is in the OTO

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Because thats fair. And balanced.

gellaho

What

Brendo

Like he just sells "My girlfriend is 20 years younger than I am and we like your vibe."

FancyShark

Scarrow, do you even know what a Japanese person looks like?

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

He has a distinctly LaVeyan aesthetic too.

gellaho

Really should have done a Shrek count

Brendo

I read this bottom-up and was convinced we had some Lower East Side cousin of Liam's suddenly introduced.

FancyShark

An eternity of Mamma Mia sounds like a very special hell

gellaho

And what a world

Brendo

Mustard bagels? Salt beef?

The fuck

That's neither Japanese nor Noo Yawk

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Alex Scarrow vs Ming the Merciless. Who wore it better?

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Brendo

Mustard bagels, you're liable to get yourself stabbed.

FancyShark

Scarrow must've thrown random words together and hoped for the best

gellaho

Add to the count

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Yeah what is a salt-beef

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Its some British food substitute.

THeyd give it to sailors to remind them they could be eating salt beef instead of shoe leather.

Brendo

Bacon egg and cheese, dollar slice, kebab, if you're a tourist, dirty water dog. NOTHING HAS CHANGED

Velo

2

ProfessorRocketsurgeon

These AIs don't work at all like the ones I'm familiar with - why isn't Liam being warned that AIs can't give instruction before then being instructed to eat cockroaches and insert rocks into his cavities

Velo

Which brings us up to 1 per chapter

Brendo

Americans looooooove Dr Pepper, said the man who visited Texas once.

VernoWhitney

When the girl on the Morton's package lays down a diss track

Brendo

Sailor shit

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

It just stands to reason a Brit would think so, but really the humble Mr. Pibb is the true drink of the American Proletariat.

Brendo

Not exactly jerky, but dessicated for the long haul.

gellaho

Alex Scarrow, supposed rock guitarist, seems to believe Nine Inch Nails + RHCP would be a good idea

FancyShark

Scarrow, this is how Fred Durst happens

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

What gets me is Alex Scarrow is the right age to have come to America and realized, we love Mt. Dew Code Red.

It runs in our veins, literally because its full of microplastics and shit.

Mt. Dew Code Red is literally stored in the balls.

Brendo

Mr. Pibb?! Look at this upper-middle class posh bastard mainlining Monsiuer Poivre. In this house we consume Big Dealz's Poppa Joy.

gellaho

Bum-shuffle

Brendo

It's goth but the bass F U C K S

Brendo

"The Americans seem to love Baja Blast," he reported wrongly.

FancyShark

Dammit, Scarrow. Just call it dancing.

Brendo

Related: A Chinese traveler visited Ancient Rome and reported just the most hilariously favorably wrong account of my people.

gellaho

I'm not sure I understand the point of this device

gellaho

FancyShark

This seems like a very stupid way to create a windmill. The kind that could be foiled by a squirrel.

Brendo

Wait this isn't the one that talks about how honorable and unconcerned with money we are.

Squirrels would, too

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Who's Lam again? Thought it was a typo of Liam

gellaho

Full onto Hatchet territory

gellaho

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

To be fair, in the third century China was on its like third apocalyptic civil war and dynastic collapse so Rome probably seemed pretty adorable having not even done more than one or two.

FancyShark

The string for the bows came from the piles of meat that used to be their classmates

Brendo

sushi time. Pray I don't burn alive.

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Kids these days and their metal shard axes. Back in MY day flint was good enough.

Velo

See, Time Travel Hatchet could be fun! This isn't (at least not the way it wants to be), but it could be!

FancyShark

Hell yeah, sushi it up, Brendan!

Velo

Back in my day we just sharpened Liam's bones into whatever tool we needed

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Get that tasty fuckin salmon nigiri!

gellaho

Weird

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

And we LIKED it that way, were grateful to have bone shards.

But if you tell the young people that these days, they dont listen.

Velo

Steal and sharpen Liam's bones, kids!

gellaho

What a pointless conversation

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

ANd Liam.........you brought a friggin robot brained tube golem who knows everything. Surely she can find you some prehistoric hops and shit and you can make ale.

Velo

Scarrow was a page or too short and you can't add slow motion to a book