125: Time Riders: Day of the Predator Alex Scarrow

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Dont we all, in our heart of hearts?

FancyShark

"Gone eleven", that very American way of saying it's now eleven o'clock

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I'm guessing it was actually the smart dinos who got Ranjit and that's why it's a mystery, but anyway the point is someone should have got sharked

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

EW Liam eats dry rice krispies!

Brendo

The dinos send a list of their demands for Ranjit's safe exchange.

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

He belongs in the death camps.

Velo

Liam eating dry Rice Krispies like a psychopath

gellaho

Amazing that she independently came up with this same stupid plan

FancyShark

Meeeeeeet?

Hi

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

It's so funny how many ways he's failing to write from an American perspective. I bet editors pointed these out and he ignored them

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Some shady government agency that will be savagely ignored by anyone who matters.

gellaho

That was a fun, two page diversion

Back to helping the assassin walk

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

They better graft a dinosaur leg onto this guy.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

What an odd narrative choice to cripple the secret villain

gellaho

This would be very useful if the book didn't keep telling me it was 65 million years ago

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Honestly mate, with your achilles tendon snapped, you are never walking again without major surgery.

gellaho

Add one to the tally

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Can you imagine the chaos that will be unleashed if Deathly Hallows is released in 2001?

People won't even know what the horcruxes are!

Brendo

Not as much as The Two Towers coming out right about then.

Velo

17 which brings us to once every 2.5 chapters

VernoWhitney

Hey why isn't Dumbledore in this one?

gellaho

You'll eventually figure out division

Velo

I wouldn't count on it

I'll see myself out

gellaho

See that you do

Franklyn has fat fantasies

gellaho

Which causes him to lose his backpack ("rucksack" if you are a Brit incapable of writing)

VernoWhitney

I assumed you might have meant "deliriously seeing other people as roasts".

Velo

Well he's dead

gellaho

Indeed

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Actually FRANKLYN alot of athletes are intelligent people, youre just a shithead.

gellaho

Was a shithead

Velo

How detailed is his death

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Good riddance.

FancyShark

I think that's all of it

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Here comes the big dino murder scene

Let's have us some gore

Velo

It could be all of it, or it could be the next five pages. You can never tell with Scarrow

gellaho

The dinosaur is fully erect looking at this chubby kid

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I want fat-shaming from the perspective ofth

Whoops

Velo

Did you get your wish

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Of the dino eating him alive

gellaho

Yes

Velo

Congrats @Tom Owns Diebel's Grave !

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

I mean a fat teen is to a dinosaur what a chicken, ham, and bacon pizza with extra cheese and a stuffed crust is to me.

Velo

God damn it and fuck you Scarrow

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

It still needs to slowly maul him to death but I'm sure we'll get there

gellaho

We be copyright infringing

gellaho

Except it has eyes

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Haha I fucking knew it would be a made-up dinosaur

But I didn't think it would look half human

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Hell yes, lizard meeeeen!

gellaho

It's got the dickhead and exposed ribs of a xenomorph

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Scarrow, sci fi genius, thinks things have to look human to be smart

FancyShark

Callllllled it!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Uh also, its head fleetingly reminded Franklyn of a hot-dog sausage

What and what?

gellaho

You are a moron, Franklyn

Velo

Brendo

So this is a real theory. I actually took a class on evolution & extinction in 2001 that mused briefly on whether dinosaurs could have reached this humanoid stage.

Velo

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Yeeeeeeees lizard meeeeeen

FancyShark

I used the "want some candy" joke too early, I see

gellaho

Alex Scarrow, not content with terrorizing children, know chooses theft

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Oh because of the stealing, I see

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Note that Alex decides that not only does Franklyn associate that shape with hotdogs, because he is fat, you see.................Alex things an American would call them "hotdog sausages"

gellaho

Goddammit, Becky, let him die

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Yeah I was gonna say even I know they're not called that

Velo

Becky's so dead

gellaho

And one to the tally, banana-head

Brendo

This raises the question of whether a Xenomorph sprung from a dog would still be goodboi

Velo

18

Brendo

"Bangers and mash? NO! Frankfurters and FREEDOM"

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Yes, but not for humans.

Also the xenomorph in Alien 3 was from a doggo.

Velo

That's actually why they didn't end up using the dog alien costume in the movie. The dog in the costume had way too much fun

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Honestly? Still a good boy.

Velo

Just running around having a great time

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Also the dog in that movie was cute.

gellaho

Well, Franklyn runs away. And the fight commences

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Cool.

Velo

Damn it Franklyn

gellaho

One more to the tally

Velo

19

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Kill it yourself, Liam, dont be a wuss and make Becks do all the work!

gellaho

It further impales itself, fun for the kids!

gellaho

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Just like a man, sit there and make the tube golem do all the hard work.

gellaho

Then cuts through Liam's arm

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Its amazing how much of this supposedly Young Adult novel I would have hated as a young adult.

gellaho

Alex then describes to his child audience the blood and viscera that results from a decapitation

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

That part I would have liked.

FancyShark

Still not sure these are atrocities. Except for the child murder.

gellaho

Wakka wakka

Velo

An honorary Velo died

VernoWhitney

"nothing arterial going on down there"

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

"Yes actually we can arrange that."

Brendo

Becks rips off her arm and grafts it onto Liam's stump.

Liam is almost inevitably going to watch TITANIC and be aghast.

Velo

less "grafts" more "jams"

gellaho

Kelly was still wearing a tie, like a maniac

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Tops him up with some of that tube golem juice she has.

Velo

What the fuck Kelly

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Formality is still important in the prehistoric jungle, according to Kelly.

gellaho

⁠book-nerds⁠

VernoWhitney

Becks hasn't narrowed the time period down to figure out whether it's casual Friday yet.

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

And he was not wrong.

gellaho

So intelligent, you guys

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Kelly did you forget about the extinction level asteroid impact? Being brainy for lizards wont help you if you have no evolution for surviving the massive changes to your environment.

gellaho

Obviously clay lasts forever

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Goddammit.

FancyShark

I mean, Ron Perlman's performance as Clayface is timeless, but I don't think that's what Scarrow meant

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Yeah because we dont have a hard time reading clay tablets from just a few thousand years ago.

Velo

"We'll make the message, so we will, and tomorrow we'll plant it." very Irish, great job Scarrow

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

A fire baked tablet surely wont dissolve in any kind of moisture over 65 million years.

FancyShark

Clay can survive a meteor strike, right?

gellaho

Meanwhile, these two idiots are absolutely certain the Men in Black are going to show up that they are freaking out about it

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

This is honestly the stupidest idea for a cross time communication ive ever heard, and I have heard some real winners.

Also MADDY YOU ARE FUCKING TIME COPS!

VernoWhitney

Eh, the giant meteor will be like firing the clay in a kiln.

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Like...........WHAT?!

gellaho

Leaving a message was one of the few ideas in the last book that made sense. Scarrow thought, "Can't be having that"

Velo

As long as there isn't a meteor strike, yes

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

They're really more of a time terrorist cell

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Potato potahto.

gellaho

You got big claws, that usually causes fear

FancyShark

"The balloons and party favors will have to wait"

gellaho

You were also afraid of them, given that you ran away

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

"Does that make you horny, lizard man?"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Also whose heart is he cradling? He didn't kill anyone

gellaho

This is a weird idea, Scarrow

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Unless it's ranjit?

Oh no it's a lizardman heart ok whatever

gellaho

Cannibalism, cool

FancyShark

Thank you for pointing out the lady lizard was weaker than the dude lizard, Scarrow. Wouldn't want anyone thinking you were going to make this weird.

gellaho

This is so weird

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Yeah it's not like females are actually the larger ones in many other species or anything

gellaho

It's also great fun for the kiddos

FancyShark

Gellaho, skip to the part with the tea that makes the lizard men virile

Velo

I looked away for five seconds and jayzus

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

First his genetically enhanced tube golem, now his lizard person. I think Alex has some gender hangups.

In addition to a severe lack of imagination and being a bad writer.

gellaho

Their dental hygiene makes them weak

gellaho

That's a true Brit, right there

Brendo

A lizard can feel sad. Perhaps...a hot cyborg can feel LUST???!?!?

gellaho

Only if they have a human penis

We've known this since the first book Cage

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"some of the new creatures had strange organs between their pale, fleshy legs. Broken Claw watched, entranced, as these powerful members dangled and flopped in the afternoon sun "

gellaho

Very intimidating

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Sorry guys I think I fell asleep or something for a second there

gellaho

They make their clay tablets

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Haha it can say Franklyn's name

Velo

Get fucked Franklean

FancyShark

Cut to five minutes later where the lizardmen are just destroying Liam in a rap battle

gellaho

Great message

FancyShark

You idiot. They're going to search the entire MTG catalog before they even think of Harry Potter

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"my... name... fanklean... Here to eat,

All you new creatures... Tasty meat"

gellaho

Interestingly, I see a Wythe Avenue, not Wythe Street

Velo

To be fair that doesn't take skill or the ability to speak

Velo

God damn it Scarrow

gellaho

Why wouldn't you check this first

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Oh you know what the absolute funniest thing about this is? The people who have this nessage in 2001 are gonna be so goddamn pissed these time assholes didn't waen them about 9/11

Brendo

Big gamble someone will find this, I tell ya.

gellaho

Add one to the tally

Velo

Just keep dropping messages all over the place, Liam. Brute force the future

Velo

20

FancyShark

Hide all the dinosaur bones in key locations to spell out a message. Who cares what history will decide.

gellaho

I don't mean to be dissin' you, yo

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Thats not discussing literature, Alex.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Wait you could just say the key is deathly hallows. No obe else can solve it because the book doesnt exist in 2001

Velo

God. Damnit. Scarrow.

Also they're right

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Also YEAH IT DOES seem like youd have an established code, huh?

Why DONT you?

FancyShark

Franklyn, you were face to face with a nightmare that walks like a man, like, an hour ago. How are you not going full Bill Paxton right now?

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

File under, why are you even here when they can just grow a bunch of tube men and have them do the dirty work and do it apparently perfectly?

Velo

Franklyn has no object permanence

gellaho

Well, their 27 year old mentor left like 10 days in

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Franklyn is a nerd and as a nerd, he knows being chased by lizard men is no big deal.

gellaho

A certain Hitler chap

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Yes you fuckin are.

Velo

Really talking Oirish here

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Totally useless.

FancyShark

Starting to think this British author doesn't have much respect for Irish intellect

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

You spent that whole book in a death camp, LIAM.

gellaho

By the way, am I supposed to use Deathly Hallows to figure out this dedication?

Velo

That's not fair, he also cried at the White House, and then he cried some more in the woods

gellaho

Or is Frodo a clue to use Lord of the Rings? I loathe you, Alex

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Haha shut up Scarrow

FancyShark

I think the translation is "I shouldn't have gotten a multi-book deal"

gellaho

Shut up, Franklyn

Brendo

Boy who secretly defeated Hitler has very little comprehension of who Hitler is.

FancyShark

A Book Cage tradition

gellaho

I'm sure he'd love that

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Yeah the others think he's being flippant by saying "some guy called Hitler" but that's just actually what Liam thinks of him

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

They should carve the message on Franklyns fucking bones and leave him to die in a bog.

gellaho

It comes up more often than you'd hope

Brendo

When did Liam become our hero?

FancyShark

Has he?

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

The story of America, really.

gellaho

Hotdogs are the answer

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Yes.

No notes.

FancyShark

So he's in Chicago

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

I could really go for a nice hot dog too.

gellaho

Meanwhile, in a hole

FancyShark

Just go, Liam. You don't need to be so coy about it.

gellaho

Liam loses his mind and starts talking to the tablet

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Doing it Mountain Monsters style, huh, Liam?

Velo

Liam

...

Liam why would this ever be found

FancyShark

"Protocol demands you die"

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Also that shit isnt going to last a fuckin HOUR you dumb assholes.

Velo

You have to find a cave, idiot

gellaho

Once more unto the tally

Brendo

"See what I did there?" Why is his 1912 Irishman the only kid who speaks like a 2001 American?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"stop reminding me you're a meat puppet, I'm trying to fall in love with you"

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

She should tear your fuckin arm off for that one, Liam.

gellaho

That'll fix everything

Brendo

Teen boys really would fuck a mindless, creepy drone if it had Michael Turner babe proportions.

gellaho

Hey, Akira, I'm sure you're being introduced now for no reason

FancyShark

I'm sure she won't be turning into a horrific pile of meat. Not with a name like Akira.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"yes I know the anime," she said for the 400th time

FancyShark

A hermit crab cracks off part of the tablet to use as a roof

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Alex. Are you just naming characters based on DVDs in your office?

gellaho

Faltering makes it sound like her English is getting worse

That's what happens when you're surrounded by people speaking a language, right?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"what's an oinimay?"

You know I get why Scarrow did so many of these books. This material is gold

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Time particles make you not talk english gud.

gellaho

You best be killing Franklyn this time, Scarrow

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Franklyn is the one guy this definitely shouldn't work on

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Franklyn you dumb fuck I hope you die.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Because he heard the dinosaur mimic him

gellaho

Franklyn, intimately familiar with Olympic outfits

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Let's all keep that in mind as the scene progresses

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Also the rest of you are dumb assholes because of course you dont leave your softest fattest group member by themselves!

gellaho

Eat my balls, Alex

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

AND OF COURSE ITS NOT THE GODDAM JAPANESE GIRL YOU DOOFUS!\

She literally just walked off, how could she be whimpering in the woods right now? They dont hate her like they apparently hate you.

FancyShark

At last we see the point where Scarrow ran out of ways to describe Alien But With Eyes

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

gellaho

Just die

gellaho

Die.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"so how else can you use that oral dexterity?" Franklyn asked very hopefully.

gellaho

JUST FUCKING DIE ALREADY

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

"AAAAAAAAARG NOOOOOO THIS ISNT WHAT I MEANT!"

gellaho

Fuck

gellaho

ING

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I thought we'd get a page of franklyn being eaten alive, not a page of him being too stupid to live

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Franklyn........we elected one of those guys President in 2008!

Velo

Get him raptors!

Get him!

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Theyve been ruling England for a hundred years!

gellaho

... wait, what?

Velo

what

Is it magic?

Magic raptors?

FancyShark

JUST

EAT

HIM

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Franklyn stop being racist to the new species.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

So along with the other hundred reasons this is dumb, Franklyn knows that Becks is willing and able to kill everyone to preserve the timeline and he's trying to film this dinosaur

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Just be eaten with dignity.

gellaho

GET ON WITH IT

FancyShark

son of a

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Oh my god Scarrow, stop edging

gellaho

Thank Christ

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Just cum already

FancyShark

The scientists in Aliens Covenant had better self-preservation than this

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Franklyn it cant possibly know what you mean by any of this. You have no reason to believe its any smarter than a parrot.

You are basically recording being eaten by cockatoos.

gellaho

Took his clothes off first, interesting

FancyShark

I'm not counting Franklyn's death as an atrocity because no one would read this and think he should have lived

But I will count him trying to film a talking dinosaur with his phone