125: Time Riders: Day of the Predator Alex Scarrow

gellaho

But... hope

Velo

I see your hope and I raise you one Scarrow.

FancyShark

Also, I've included the child deaths but not the adults or the nerd

frumpybadger

"Mission completed", he said, his mission not even a little bit completed

FancyShark

In the atrocity list, I mean

Velo

The children ahd it coming

gellaho

In the future, a super secret agent recklessly speculated about creatures he's barely seen

gellaho

And just acts like a completely different person

Because I think Alex forgot who this is

frumpybadger

Time wave rewrote his personality

Happens all the time

FancyShark

Also including "wiping out humanity with copyright infringment monsters"

frumpybadger

You know how sometimes people will be nice and then a day later they'll be cranky for no reason? Time wave, baby.

FancyShark

-Threatening children with torture - 2

-Rewrote time with Xenomorph-Dinos - ~15 billion humans

-Keisha Jackson killed by dinoxaurs - 1

-Juan killed by dinoxaurs - 1

Velo

What about all the kids they left at the camp that got killed?

gellaho

I bet the kids in 2010 loved this reference to a show that was canceled when they were 6

FancyShark

oooo, right!

-Threatening children with torture - 2

-Rewrote time with Xenomorph-Dinos - ~15 billion humans

-Keisha Jackson killed by dinoxaurs - 1

-Juan killed by dinoxaurs - 1

-Misc children killed by dinoxaurs - 10

gellaho

He's calling you unevolved @FancyShark

FancyShark

Hey Scarrow

Get in the water and say that again

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

Also "perfect"

gellaho

That's how that works

FancyShark

I'll allow it

Velo

Seconded

frumpybadger

They figured out spears within seconds of some dipshit humans using some against them. I think they've got tool use in the bag.

FancyShark

I hope this ends with the same shark showing up and eating all the dinoxaurs in present day

frumpybadger

Counterpoint: the xaurs ride the sharks

FancyShark

"How are you still alive?!"

"Perfect machine, biiiiiiitch!"

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

"They didn't invent the internet or time travel... they can last forever"

gellaho

Meanwhile, these idiots didn't hear everyone dying

frumpybadger

"Morbid fear"

Scarrow you dumb fuck, fire is one of the most appropriate things to have a fear of

gellaho

You aren't even trying are you, Scarrow

FancyShark

The xaurs consider eating Liam, then realize killing him would be doing him a favor

frumpybadger

Is the dancing T-shirt like those dancing pants with nobody inside them

gellaho

+1

FancyShark

30-40, which means the ones in present day are severely inbred

frumpybadger

"All sizes" is tremendously unhelpful, Scarrow

gellaho

Their cartoonish fear is very relatable

Velo

23

frumpybadger

"W-w-w-w-we'll fight them together," Laura piddled

gellaho

Time to die

gellaho

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

"Spears-that-spear, go!"

frumpybadger

Oh, gee, Becks, really? You think we should defend ourselves with the spears?

Ya fuckin think?

FancyShark

I hate when you get tutorials even as late as the end of the game

gellaho

Appropriate to Chapter 69, their internet is slowly loading images

FancyShark

Nice

frumpybadger

"Recommendation: money can be exchanged for goods and services"

Dear god they don't even have jpegs.

This is who we're entrusting time travel to?

gellaho

Try again, computer whiz

FancyShark

That's cute. Scarrow uses Linux.

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

OS of kings

frumpybadger

They get to 90% and then start getting pestered about subscribing for more OneDrive space.

gellaho

These time travel cameras are garbage

FancyShark

These cameras would later be handed out to every witness on Mountain Monsters

gellaho

A Mac user if I've ever seen one

frumpybadger

Scarrow boldly proclaiming that in the future technology will fucking suck and be boring

Velo

Damn Scarrow was right

gellaho

Anyway, they stare at 128x128 images for a while

frumpybadger

the worst part of it all, really

Velo

On it

gellaho

Til they find something that looks like fire

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

The could have used AI to automate this, but that darn Butlerian Jihad, right?

gellaho

You either don't know what "serrated" means or what a "hatchet" is

Velo

Surprise, it's both

frumpybadger

motherfucker you know they're afraid of fire. make a fucking torch.

gellaho

Meanwhile, Becks breaking spines

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

Shittiest axe ever!

gellaho

Little more blood for the kids

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

Liam, keep yours eyes on the fight, not girls' legs

gellaho

Classic dinosaur meow

frumpybadger

dinosaurs that meow is the most adorable thing I've heard all week

gellaho

Suddenly, Liam is a champion javelin thrower

gellaho

Velo

I'm just going to assume that's a stereotype that Scarrow believes

frumpybadger

he heard that word Wild Bill keeps getting bleeped and just assumed it referred to the Irish.

gellaho

Scarrow hasn't caused any child to die in screaming terror for a little while, best fix that

FancyShark

I hope that was a xaur child and Liam goes down in their history as its greatest monster

Jesus, Scarrow. Killing two teenage girls by dragging them into the darkness at the claws of monsters is too specific to be an accident

gellaho

+1

Velo

This is fine because I didn't know she was a character

gellaho

+1

Velo

24

Velo

25

FancyShark

Gib the xaurs, Maddy. Make mass murder your thing.

gellaho

That's going to leave a nasty gash

FancyShark

oh no

FancyShark

not the clone

gellaho

Right through the crop top

It's probably fine

gellaho

The kids love it

frumpybadger

that classic Usonian slang word, "tatty"

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

A velociraptor throwing a spear would be adorably awkward

gellaho

One of these kids too stupid to understand "Go" invents time travel

FancyShark

Liam, Becks is closer to a robot than the numerous dead children you've seen eaten by the night

Yes, it's sad to see the sexy goth badass die. But there's a whole mess of tanks waiting to spit out more.

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

If they leave the tie travel inventor behind, it undoes everything, right? right?

gellaho

Beep boop

gellaho

You can give all of them copies of your father figure's brain

FancyShark

"I know now why you Jay-zus. But it is something I can never do."

gellaho

Liam with a fun leg souvenir

FancyShark

I hope she hacks his leg off

gellaho

I couldn't even begin to understand what this refers to

Velo

Bowling pin

FancyShark

toothpick-sized in length or girth? Because only one of those is scary

gellaho

And the dinosaur turtle neck?

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

Pterodactyl-neck

gellaho

Huzzah

gellaho

Somehow still 50 pages left

FancyShark

40 of those better be an apology

gellaho

A hero arrives

Velo

That's longer than this book should be

gellaho

Despite having limited power remaining, they leave the portal open so one can get through

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

"They're wearing crop-tops now!"

Velo

Get Maddy! Get her!

And then Sal

then Liam

gellaho

You were just looking at them outside, dude

FancyShark

I hope Maddy understands this is all her fault

gellaho

She's fine

FancyShark

Bob pipes up. "You did a crap job with the new killbot, Liam"

gellaho

The dead, lifeless body is fun for the whole family

They somehow lose these human-sized creatures in this two room bunker

FancyShark

Alright, xaur. Come out or when we find you you're getting fed like one of the clone fetuses

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

the origin story for:

gellaho

Forby manages to kill one

Not so lucky for with the other one

gellaho

The blood spray is how you know it's kid friendly

Velo

No kid is reading a book this long and this boring

FancyShark

Liam, control your new pet or it's going back

gellaho

Liam's learned how to kill

Velo

How is it possible for Maddy to be so bad at this

gellaho

Meanwhile, in Star Wars

FancyShark

Liam, don't fuck the soup tank

gellaho

Imagine the blood, muscle and tendons, kids!

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

Don't soup the fuck tank

frumpybadger

Scarrow, you made Xenomorph 9/11 boring. That's how bad you suck.

You're officially operating at Alien Resurrection levels of suck. That's your baseline.

FancyShark

Scarrow had one good idea and it was "combat clones beating the shit out of history monsters". Why did he have to make it a YA series?

gellaho

Alright, Maddy. Your nerd insecurity is showing

frumpybadger

The worst part is he didn't even do that. He slathered so much of his misery fetish bullshit on top you can barely tell there's an idea in here

gellaho

Oh, and Jasmine died off page

FancyShark

hahahaha

frumpybadger

incredible.

FancyShark

One more dead girl to help Scarrow finish

gellaho

Adventure!

Velo

Who

FancyShark

Oh hey, thanks Scarrow!

That helps the tally!

Velo

12 dead kids

Not including the kids that got melted by time travel or impaled in the fall

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

"They've learned to count, almost to 4!"

Velo

I haven't learned shit and I never will

gellaho

Liam's time travel disease coming in hot

gellaho

FancyShark

This tracks. 16 minus the 3 adults and the idiot who fed himself to the xaurs equals 12

frumpybadger

hahaha he couldn't even let Liam have one win.

FancyShark

Liam is slowly turning into the Liam design before Ninja Theory took over

gellaho

Meat bot

FancyShark

His hair will be fully white by the end of the series

frumpybadger

Children love the meat bot!

gellaho

Time disease for everyone!

FancyShark

You. Have. Time. Travel.

Send an entire army of Bobs and Becks back in time and save all the kids.

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

When is Liam from?

FancyShark

Titanic sinking

gellaho

Whole freakin' hole

frumpybadger

do you think Scarrow realizes that mysterious benefactor plucking convenient orphans from the timestream to do his bidding and then die slowly as their bodies break down from chroniton radiation makes him immediately the bad guy, or did he bumble into this plot development dick-first on accident

"wind up torch"

fuck off

gellaho

They don't have enough power, what with New York being a rainforest and all

FancyShark

oh right

Send Liam

Give him TWO pointed sticks

Velo

I don't think Scarrow reads these

gellaho

I'm so proud of that pack that wanted to kill me. And killed a bunch of people

frumpybadger

fuck you, you're not star trek.

FancyShark

This is the most Not Star Trek anything has ever been

frumpybadger

Including Star Trek sometimes!

gellaho

Alright, Scarrow, cool your jets

FancyShark

Yes, I'm including the reboot series

frumpybadger

"you know, like that Hitler chap did"

gellaho

These two books have managed to wipe out humanity both times

FancyShark

Liam, they butchered twelve children because they could

frumpybadger

who among us

gellaho

Also, if we're talking genocide, all of humanity is gone

frumpybadger

yeah we're up to like double secret genocide by now

Velo

Maybe humanity is the real chitin covered slavering monsters

FancyShark

Like, I don't care how good they are at Scrabble. They put one of yours in the hospital, you put one of theirs in the morgue. That's the 9/11 Way.

gellaho

Oh, it's getting real weird now

frumpybadger

frumpybadger

for fuck's sake just end

Velo

These last 50 pages have lasted so long

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

"Maybe they became so successful they exhausted their prey and went extinct anyway?"

gellaho

Let's just worry about fixing now and not some hypothetical future, Liam

Velo

Shut the fuck up Liam

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Having your book be about a school field trip that got sent back to dinosaur times and then killing 90 percent of them is quite a choice

Velo

Shut your stupid fucking mouth and kill the xenomorphs

FancyShark

Ms. Frizzle! WHY!?

frumpybadger

the Magic Tree House kids are watching this shitshow and just shaking their heads in pity

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Also Liam shocking me to my core by making a good point for once

Yeah your mission sucks, Liam

gellaho

I don't know if Scarrow knows where kidneys live

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Everything about it is terrible

gellaho

Not in the crop top area, I can tell you that

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"operable as in I require surgery"

Velo

I regret to tell you that the abdominal area does contain the kidneys

Don't feel bad, it's confusing because Scarrow is such a shitty writer

I don't think he knows what a crop top is

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

Maybe meat robots are more horrific than we thought

Velo

Or she was wearing such a long crop top

gellaho

We have fun with our meat bot

Velo

Maddy you haven't earned the right to grin

frumpybadger

I feel like none of us have

gellaho

Beep boop

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

This is where you freeze frame and end the episode

Velo

I think they have to get New York City back first

They need it for the 9/11s

gellaho

For whatever reason, everything in the past is on fire

Velo

Can't imagine whose fault that could be

frumpybadger

sure why not

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

They're sending her back? To look at her half-eaten comrades?

gellaho

That was fast

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

Also now the dinos will learn guns

frumpybadger

Yeah this feels like a bad plan

FancyShark

Mrs. O'Leary's Cow, who also discovered time travel

gellaho

Pew pew

Velo

Hand grenades could've solved this problem real fast

gellaho

Good to know she's going to kill some younguns

frumpybadger

For kids!

gellaho

Pew pew

FancyShark

Take that, developing civilization

Velo

"Just shoot the main villain while it runs away" is definitely one way to end a book

gellaho

Meanwhile, Maddy decides to send Liam back to 1940 to get the message tablet

Velo

This is aggresively anti climactic

FancyShark

Shooting the antagonist in the back is a very Scarrow move

gellaho

For some reason, after it's discovered

FancyShark

Oh good. Gib more children, Maddy!

gellaho

Mommy, what's a hemorrhage?

gellaho

Btw, wild they throw an A in there

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

Is that an old spelling?

frumpybadger

the A is for America

FancyShark

It's a British way of spelling

gellaho

Cartwright, not a fan of the secret plan

gellaho

+1

Velo

26

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

yes, "ae" comes from Latin

FancyShark

The bullet hits one of the two boys and Liam is executed for child murder in 1941

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

Which in 1941 Texas was a misdemeanor

gellaho

The dinosaurs grieve, for kids!

FancyShark

Keep shooting, Becks. War crime the dinos

gellaho

It's bad to plead for sympathy while using the voice of someone you butchered

Velo

Hey!

FancyShark

The alien dinos. Not the Velos. The Velos are precious and must be protected.

gellaho

Honestly, a great way to encite rage

FancyShark

This probably counts as an atrocity

Velo

"This is what your friend sound liked when I killed her. Are we cool?"

gellaho

Lucky for them, Becks literally has a baby brain

frumpybadger

man. if you have to learn empathy from a xenomorph, something has gone horribly awry.

FancyShark

It's like you're being written by a guy named Scarrow or something

gellaho

I'm not even sure what Scarrow is attempting here

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

gellaho

Well, nevertheless, the massacre must be done

gellaho

Writers of a similar caliber

Or, "calibre" as Scarrow would write for his American characters

Sad beep

gellaho

Meanwhile, Cartwright looking to ruin history

frumpybadger

"I'll kill you so you can't lie to me!"

"Or tell the truth!"

gellaho

A reminder that Sal was recruited to memorize the events of 9/10 & 9/11 to check for any minor change, even though they can just feel the time stream

frumpybadger

I feel like "time precog" is the sort of thing you want nailed down at the start of your story

FancyShark

They restore the timestream but now every building in New York gets hit by a plane

Velo

Get her, Cartwright

She earned this bullet a long time ago

gellaho

And, apparently, anyone can feel this wave

frumpybadger

except the world trade center

FancyShark

Because the terrorists want to EXPAND the world economy