125: Time Riders: Day of the Predator Alex Scarrow

👽⭐Dirty Mo! You can't die!

sounds like the last time I tried jelqing

frumpybadger

sounds like the last time I quit sniffing glue

FancyShark

BOOK

CAGE

📯

Velo might be a bit late, but I have the tallies he's been keeping so far

Day of the Predator

Jayzus 21

Dr Pepper 3

Times Liam Has Done Something 0

gellaho

Time for pain

FancyShark

Hi, @gellaho !

Velo

PAIN BOOK CAGE

FancyShark

Hi, @Velo !

Velo

Hi @FancyShark !

gellaho

And now, a scene from White Fang

FancyShark

They all agree that Liam's absence is not a problem

wait, not Liam

The nerd

gellaho

Kelly stealing Liam's thing

gellaho

Yes, the one who fed himself to a xenomorph

Velo

His death is his own fault

Kelly stop it, only Liam is allowed to spot things

FancyShark

He had so much time to not get killed

Velo

If we take that away from Liam he'll be standing around doing nothing like a useless idiot who should have drowned

gellaho

Kelly decides it's his time to die

FancyShark

The dinoxaurs decide to break his other ankle and see what happens

gellaho

That film from which I stole my title

FancyShark

oh fuck you, Scarrow

gellaho

Just throwing man-boobs in there for the kids

FancyShark

Moobs of Defiance

Velo

Scarrow wrote so many of these books

And I don't think they get better

gellaho

Write seems like a generous verb

Velo

Scarrow spawned so many of these books

gellaho

Especially when the dialogue is getting worse

gellaho

Like really, really bad

Velo

How does it get worse. How.

We started at the bottom, Scarrow, how did you go lower

frumpybadger

"As if it had appeared like a Cheshire Cat, only backwards, so nothing at all like the Cheshire Cat as you're probably imagining it,"

FancyShark

Hi, @frumpybadger !

gellaho

"Oh yeah! I can kill you with this spear" should only be said sarcastically

Not "triumphantly"

frumpybadger

Already tired of Scarrow's fucking bullshit

FancyShark

Or by Bruce Campbell right before something silly happens

gellaho

It also needs a comma, but who am I, the non-existent editor?

First blood gets one of the dinosaurs fully erect

frumpybadger

Man Versus Ugly Lizard Thing was sent back for a rewrite at Bear Grylls' request

Velo

Oh so we're kinkshaming now?

FancyShark

Then the loving began in earnest

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Bigfoot is here now?

FancyShark

Hi, @Tom Owns Diebel's Grave !

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Hello

frumpybadger

Bigfoot stands fully erect at all times

Famously so

Velo

If they find bigfoot we riot

frumpybadger

Bigfoot might be the only thing that could possibly save this book

Velo

Bigfoot deserves better than this

gellaho

Thankfully, Kelly is dead

Velo

That's going to be very confusing for his kids

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Oh this is the death of the critic in lady in the water

FancyShark

Killed. Catheterized. Impaled. Made to pole vault. Who's to say?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"wow I can't believe anyone could write a scene so beautifully cruel and unexpected," Kelly screamed.

frumpybadger

Scarrow definitely would have written Kelly pissing himself to death if he thought he could get away with it.

Velo

Do you think Scarrow met his publisher's deadlines?

gellaho

Tens of millions of years in the future, a teenage interrogation goes poorly on 9/11

Velo

Or was he A. massively late or B. suspisciously early

FancyShark

For this one? Early

Once he realized he could steal entire concepts, he was cruising

gellaho

Alex "My Premise is Pretty Stupid" Scarrow

FancyShark

Tell them, Sal. Tell them you were recruited by a man dying of time cancer.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

We were recruited by this super old guy, he was like 29 or something

gellaho

Better make this 13 year old solve Liam's ancient cipher

FancyShark

"Ligma," she said. "The book is Ligma."

gellaho

Which, I'll remind you, is Harry Potter

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Again he could have just given the title of the book

FancyShark

Tell him literally any book

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Since it's not written yet so only they have it

Velo

Literally anything

gellaho

Time to threaten the kids with drugs

FancyShark

He doesn't have to understand it. You can make him think you're insane and shut him up

The old-fashioned way is getting drunk on Old Fashioneds

Velo

On it

FancyShark

Also adding "threatening children with torture" to the atrocimeter

Velo

Yeah but this child deserves it

FancyShark

Maddy deserves it. Sal's been through a lot.

Velo

Sal deserves to go through more

gellaho

This supposedly super intelligent dinosaur struggles with the concept that pointy things hurt

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Hey now, tool use is hard

FancyShark

Aliens vs Predator vs 2001: A Space Odyssey

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

It's basically just us and crows

gellaho

Just waving Kelly around on the end of a stick

FancyShark

Back in the present, Sal and the FBI are now lizard people.

Velo

It was always going to end this way for Kelly

FancyShark

Lunatics on street corners declare the government is secretly run by monkeys

gellaho

But, incredibly quickly, not only understands pointy sticks, but abstract concepts, language, and bridges

frumpybadger

Oh fuck you with that ellpisis.

You didn't earn that, Scarrow.

FancyShark

That plan?

Cool Ranch Doritos and Columbo marathon

Velo

On it

gellaho

In the future, Scarrow elbow nudges the reader about 9/11, in case they forgot

gellaho

Surely, nothing else will distract any of these people today

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

New York has one day left til retirement

gellaho

Anyway, buy Domino's

Velo

He just nudge nudge winked winked 9/11

Also; on it

gellaho

Which Alex can't seem to pick a spelling for

FancyShark

Scarrow handling this with the level of tact you'd expect from an author who wrote about adults deciding there weren't enough girl teens with them to sustain a population

Velo

Oh yeah I forgot he did that

FancyShark

I did too until I looked at the list

Velo

I miss the time when I had forgot he did that

gellaho

BEEP boop, analyzing four hundred pages of wandering in the forest

gellaho

A fantastic message

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Mission accomplished, let's go home

gellaho

Scarrow really spells out what "within 1000" means

Velo

Folks I just checked the math on that. Scarrow's right.

gellaho

Maddy's face when she thinks is certainly something

Velo

Fuck you Scarrow

gellaho

He's got a real thing about spelling out numbers

FancyShark

Makes the sentences longer

gellaho

You know Area Fifty-one

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I had that exact cravat in red dead redemption 2

gellaho

It's not like something 65 million years ago could have far reaching consequences for today

Also, the Chapters say 65 million years and the android sent them 62 million

But what's 3 million years?

FancyShark

As Cartwright talks, bridges dissolve and thousands of commuters plunge into the sea

Velo

Scarrow is disasterous at math

gellaho

Never listen when the computer recommends probes

gellaho

Scarrow really understands the American lexicon

Areze

"Robot! Give me a probing! "

Velo

There is absoltuely no reason he couldn't have set this in the UK

FancyShark

Hi, @Areze !

gellaho

Other than the whole 9/11 thing

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

But then how do you ghoulishly eat the misery of 9/11 every day

gellaho

"Movement" - a complete sentence

Velo

He would've saved himself so much trouble if he just set it on the day of the Lockebie bombings or something. Just a loop of December 21, 1988, Lockerbie

gellaho

Sal lies that Liam knows where a bunch of other time agencies are

Scarrow's characters are often impressed with their mediocrity. A pure portrait of the artist

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Oh I have a really evil prediction. Maddy will tell Cartwright about the time cancer so that Cartwright won't want to time travel. Cartwright will then mention this to Liam when they find him. Later when they're all safe Liam will be like "ah what a foine deception Maddy, ye clever lass"

FancyShark

Cartwright, pick a lane. Are you a sneering villain or are you trying to get actual information?

gellaho

I'm beginning to think Scarrow's never heard an American.

FancyShark

This sounds too clever for Scarrow

gellaho

We have several words for acne over here, spots ain't one

Unless the kid was like, inconsistent or flaky

But you don't really use that spotty for people

frumpybadger

yeah that's for TV reception

Velo

Unless they have, you know, spots. And you're, you know, an asshole

Even then there are meaner things to call someone

gellaho

Time to threaten the kids with headshots

Velo

Oh my god this is still going

Scarrow this is the boring part, you're supposed to keep it short

gellaho

+1

Velo

22

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

The original 9/11

FancyShark

Hi, @PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!? !

gellaho

People back at their camp from two hundred pages ago aren't answering, probably fine

Velo

It's fine we all forgot about them

gellaho

But they can't lower the bridge. So the teen cyborg is going to jump and swim

gellaho

Why jump first? No idea

gellaho

I don't think waving your arms around gives you momentum

frumpybadger

let's go to our subject matter expert, whose experiment is in progress:

Velo

I'm going to miss Becks, the only interesting character in this series, when she dies because Scarrow can't think of a second thing to do with this character

gellaho

Yep, that's how Americans refer to trophies

frumpybadger

oh you don't want to win all the Americans' cups, man.

trust me on that.

Velo

Don't tell me what I want

gellaho

And her sexy teen arms

Velo

I'll have you know she's 3

Possibly less. I forget a lot of this book.

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

robot?

gellaho

A lot less

frumpybadger

gonna take a guess and say the author has too

Velo

Flesh robot clone AI

It's stupid

Don't think about it

It's impossibly dumb

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

Ah, the Neil Breen special

gellaho

She is a lab grown teen clone, with the brain of an infant, but the consciousness of a seven foot tall male cyborg in her computer brain

There are a bunch of other details that make it even weirder, but that's the basics

FancyShark

She was alive for about ten minutes before they sent her on this mission

gellaho

Anyway, the bridge broke on the way down

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

Can never have too many hats, I guess

gellaho

Liam's the last once across so ass-scoots over

FancyShark

Like a hero

gellaho

Time for some Titanic PTSD

frumpybadger

he just loves traumatizing the Commonwealth kids, huh

FancyShark

You mean like the prehistoric shark we didn't get to see, Scarrow?

gellaho

All the former colonies: Ireland, India, America

We got a Chinese teen now, so we can include the spheres of influence as well

Back to the teen trauma

frumpybadger

Liam echoing the thoughts of most people who paid for Scarrow's work

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Liam continues to be the opposite of help

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

30 seconds is a crap amount of time to hold your breath

FancyShark

It's fine, Liam. You'll just get brought back from a parallel time and the cycle will continue forever

frumpybadger

man, when you put it that way, Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap kind of sucks as a Stand

gellaho

Liam runs up on a fallen tree, which means the dinosaurs figured out trees, but it's going to take a while for these idiots to catch on

frumpybadger

"Lam"

A different character entirely or Scarrow forgetting to hit the 'i' key?

Velo

A different character!

gellaho

It's a wild choice

Velo

In a book of wild choices, it stands out as a wild choice

gellaho

Almost as bad as when Nicole Davidson named the main character's dad and school chaperone the same first name

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

There's no "i" in Lam, which means Liam is a selfish asshole

Velo

Is that the Crash Landing author?

Deep Creek Lake study party

gellaho

Yes, that was in Crash Landing

The sequel to Crash Course

Velo

I don't know why I knew that, but that information is taking up limited mental space

gellaho

Crash Landing remains the most infuriating book for me

And now: the worst description of a severed finger

gellaho

FancyShark

ew

Velo

lol all the kids are dead

gellaho

Whitmore muppeting

gellaho

And that felled tree was enough to stop the invention of electricity

frumpybadger

We're going to end up riding a time wave like a surfboard, aren't we

FancyShark

Bob reboots and is now running iOS

gellaho

Also significant enough to completely change the climate in New York

gellaho

Somehow

Don't think about it

FancyShark

Lizards made a bridge and now New York is a jungle. Duh.

Velo

Too late I'm thinking about it

If we kill and eat children we could reverse climate change

frumpybadger

Awful convenient how the indigenous tribes somehow aren't here either

gellaho

Somehow changed plate tectonics, the rotation of the Earth, all sorts of things

Velo

Yeah that'll happen if you hit the magic number of dead kids

frumpybadger

it's like a stack overflow

gellaho

If it's tropical enough for a rainforest, I think they might have accelerated it

Velo

Fuck. Okay someone get the glue, we have to put these kids back together.

frumpybadger

Take their best parts and create one super kid to fight climate change

gellaho

I mean, like, if you like, think about it, man? You know?

FancyShark

Now the Bible talks about Jesus' sermon on the mouse. It's like Of Mice and Men, but Lenny gets crucified

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

I think the God tournament would have had a winner without JC

gellaho

Maddy lost her glasses at some point, I guess. But there be people

FancyShark

Maddy being Velma throws a lot of dumb ideas into question

gellaho

Banana heads

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

@Velo ,can you verify?

FancyShark

Hats look like windsocks in this timeline

frumpybadger

Banana heads, dino legs, and bigfeet thighs.

I'm finally home.

gellaho

It came from copyright infringement

FancyShark

Scarrow, don't play coy

gellaho

Cartwright is into some weird shit

Velo

Oh please let Cartwright die stupid

I will take back one (1) insult about Scarrow

FancyShark

Cartwright is for sure the person who started all the thirstposting about the Alien Queen

gellaho

Not sure why that's capitalized and italicized

FancyShark

Wait! Don't erase them yet! Learn their secrets for more sustainable teeth!

We could make hundreds

gellaho

Oh, right, these idiots still don't know these things are mimics

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

The World of Never Were, ERB hit his head

FancyShark

Sophia Yip stills sounds like a slur

frumpybadger

Had to physically force myself to stop reading it as Kesha

gellaho

Just a bunch of Frank Caliendos

FancyShark

This would make an outstanding movie if the dinos were all played by Frank

gellaho

Interesting you say that

FancyShark

Goddammit, Scarrow

gellaho

If only there were some kind of term for female brethren

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

Sistren

frumpybadger

Unapplicable

gellaho

Please stop doing this, authors

FancyShark

Don't these things have razor claws?

frumpybadger

"semantic satiation" as a concept didn't really click for Scarrow, did it

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

Thing-That-Does

gellaho

Bye, Juan

gellaho

Yes, but now they have pointy sticks carved by inexperienced teenagers

FancyShark

Dammit, now they have to deal with Vietcong, too

frumpybadger

"burping" is definitley the verb I would deploy during a death scene

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

Maybe realistic, but uncool nonetheless

gellaho

Time for the last adult to die

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

Clever... sistren

gellaho

Well, except for Howard who is the time traveler who caused this whole thing

frumpybadger

It really is Scarrow's writing philosophy in a nutshell.

Steal from much better stories, pile six more words at minimum out of the thesaurus on top.

gellaho

Interesting you say that

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

I would pay to watch a movie with human vs dino karate fight scenes

frumpybadger

Jesus Christ.

gellaho

Fatality

frumpybadger

For kids!

gellaho

Velo

Young Adults love when Whitmores piss themselves and then die

gellaho

Interesting you say that

Velo

Shut up and piss yourself, Howard

frumpybadger

"HEY REMEMBER JURASSIC PARK"

PhysWiz vs KROKAR!?!?

SPEAR ARE FOR POKING NOT SLASHING

gellaho

Spoke too soon

gellaho

Tearfully promising "I won't invent time travel!" to the assassin who sent me 65 million years into the past

Velo

Found family can be complicated

FancyShark

Since there aren't any books after this one, we know Eddie kept his word

frumpybadger

I hope he beefs the shit out of this heroic last stand

gellaho

For the kids

frumpybadger

Just trips over his own feet, falls straight into a vortex of hungry teeth

Velo

I have six terrible newses for you

FancyShark

:shockshark: