131: Headcrash Bruce Bethke

gellaho

The Book Cage: Episode 131

Headcrash

What is pain? Pain is a software developer writing humor for other software developers. Pain is comedy by tech nerds for nerds in the early '90s. Pain is Headcrash. Written by Jack Bethke, the "ex-surfer, ex-rock musician, ex-teacher, and ex-sausage maker" (so wacky), this is a relic of a forgotten age, when dorks could still convince themselves that they were cybersamurai, on the verge of becoming cool and hilarious, instead of embarrassing. This document disproves that thoroughly. I probably should have made this sound more fun. Anyway, same time as usual, Friday 5pm Eastern.

gellaho

gellaho

Send thanks for your future pain to @Fatamatician: The Curator you helpfully provided this book for your displeasure

frumpybadger

It made me laugh and think, [about putting a bullet through my own skull,] which is about the highest compliment I can offer any book

Fatamatician: The Curator

I will forever keep looking for more.

Wonder who owns the hypermedia rights now...

frumpybadger

I think by virtue of caging it, gellaho does

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Excellent, I always wished Snowcrash was written by an unfunny nerd named Bruce.

gellaho

Coming up on the hour, it's Headcrash. Here is your preview

gellaho

Prepare for pain

FancyShark

Oh, this one's gonna hurt

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Oh right, Snowcrash but bad.

Areze

So no change? 😏

Velo

This feels like an attack

Fuck you, GiggleBytes

FancyShark

Velo, I think you, gellaho and I are going to be particularly incensed by this book

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

I feel like the dork that wrote it probably would want you to feel that way.

gellaho

Who?

This guy?

gellaho

Noooo

FancyShark

Mostly because I can't remember how many other people in the usual book cage group work in IT

gellaho

Mr Sunglasses that definitely, certainly invented cyberpunk?

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

That's the scariest part

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

I'm IT-adjacent, and Bookcage apprentice

Velo

This is going to be insufferable

I'm so hyped

BOOK

FancyShark

CAGE

Hi, @Velo !

Velo

Hi @FancyShark !

FancyShark

Hi, @PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard !

Velo

Let's suffer!

FancyShark

Hi, @Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky !

Hi, @GDC !

Hi, @gellaho !

Vooster

I did no work today and I logged off early for this shit

FancyShark

Hi, @Vooster !

Vooster

Hisssss

Velo

I'm glad this stupid dipshit suffered dialup

FancyShark

V, be warned. This one sounds like it's going to be really bad

Vooster

I know

I'm excited

Velo

I was going to wait until later to say that but I reread the sample page

GDC

I'm getting some real 'authors I like, but insufferably bad' energy

FancyShark

If this is worse than the Time Traveling Bicycle, I might need to track this author down

And beat them

gellaho

Wheeeeee

Velo

HATE

Hi @gellaho

FancyShark

The most 90s cover text

Vooster

The real question is what game am I going to put on my other screen

The answer is Peglin

gellaho

All the best computer comedy 1995 had to offer

GDC

I think he used the same keyboard as this cover

Velo

It was a different time

gellaho

But, first, a prologue? Maybe?

gellaho

Dude forgot the section heading

Velo

Fuck you

FancyShark

20GB? Dare you dream?

Vooster

I don't want to know where Ms Vang's introduction is going

Velo

A whole 20GB of cloud storage

gellaho

Fit all in lasers

Velo

It was a different time

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Proctopod...?

Velo

™️

Vooster

"This unwashed man is a genius but the GIRL computer user is cute, little [page cuts off]"

FancyShark

"KeisterComp" was already taken

GDC

ProctoProd is like how every tv manufacturer has a different name for motion smoothing, but for anal probes

gellaho

They listened to Weird Al

Velo

Fuck you

FancyShark

Is playing Weird Al a euphemism?

Velo

Sorry

FancyShark

Oh no, I agree. This book earned a Fuck You very early

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

This is an interesting villain

GDC

he had to use the FIA because the NSA threatened him if he used their name.

FancyShark

I think this is our hero

Vooster

Argl Bargl

gellaho

The corporations, maaaaaaaaaaaan

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

... he is the villain, right?

Areze

language!

FancyShark

Rick & Morty stole every alien race from this

gellaho

Init

Vooster

Innit?

Govner

Areze

bloimy cunts i fink he bri ish

Velo

Fuck

You

GDC

you see, because that is a thing software does when it starts

FancyShark

Hi, @Areze !

GDC

as this book is now doing

Areze

YOU HAVE NO PROOF uh i mean hi!

gellaho

This writing needs adderall

Velo

This is trigger my fight or flight responses and it is exclusively landing on "fight"

GDC

Rich Text Format triggers my fight response

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Do you even UTF, bro?

GDC

the phrase 'coding in rich text format' makes me pass out and wake up three hours later covered in blood

Areze

This guy could turn the dalai lama into an 80's movie bully

FancyShark

..."backgrounder button"?

gellaho

Babbling is funny, right?

Velo

Wait when was this book written

gellaho

1995

Velo

That's way too recent

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

We missed the president Gore bit, which would have been noteworthy except for the restr of the madness on the page

Vooster

This is one way to introduce the character

GDC

in the future, alt-tab will be condensed into one button

Vooster

Not a good way, but a way

Velo

It was a different time. But also no fuck this guy

FancyShark

If Jet Li shows up and kicks him in half, I'll allow it

gellaho

Sequential text

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Python will destroy this man

FancyShark

This idiot is already writing exactly how you'd write to mock him

Vooster

I am not a computer knower. I assume they run on magic and pixies. But this doesn't seem to be how anything works

gellaho

Desktop video, or: video

Vooster

Is this fucker talking about a Comma Separated Value file?

GDC

I bet this guy's coworkers hate him

Vooster

And he hates Gunnar, who everyone, oddly, likes

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

This is the guy who will invent dick pics

gellaho

2005, could you even imagine?

Areze

oddly for him they're just selfies

Velo

It was a different time

FancyShark

Shoe condoms

GDC

HR has warned this guy that those aren't work appropriate

FancyShark

He thinks he's being edgy

Vooster

Chubby Rain

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

This is how a computer nerd imagines a hip open-minded 90's guy imagines computer nerds

Areze

He's a a pizza roller: all edge and no point

Vooster

We're done. Book has been summarized

gellaho

Melinda Sharp's Cybertruck working as expected

gellaho

Or, Dodge "Deathmaster" as this book calls it

Areze

oddly prescient i gotta admit

GDC

I've give him credit for that bit of realism at least

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

It's actually a pervert alarm and triggers when he is near

gellaho

Time to admit to illegally spying on a coworker

Areze

you're under arrest

FancyShark

This does track with the kind of person he's already shown himself to be

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

He's cool! He's edgy!

Areze

Every rich tech/finance bro ever?

FancyShark

Exactly

gellaho

Then has a full-on panic attack when seeing someone else outside

Vooster

Multi-billion dollar company can afford to pay a false alarm fine every fucking day. It's a rounding error to them

GDC

Melinda has already given up reporting the workplace sexual harassment she experiences

Areze

KNEES WEAK ARMS ARE HEAVY

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

"black - law - co?"

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

If i keep rolling my eyes like this theyre going to get stuck.

gellaho

Egad

Areze

new dolemite film?

Velo

Get it? Victim training

Because he sucks

The joke is that this book is insufferable

Areze

problem is II could realistically use :TheUnfuckableHulk: with every post.

Vooster

Now remind me, is it unusual in this word to see someone outside? Y/n?

Velo

Let me check

Areze

I'm compulsively making a jerking-off motion with my hand

Velo

It's raining so this might take a bit

Vooster

Meanwhile this weenie is like "eeew, cigarette air pollution?"

"I need a lawyer"

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Im remembering that blurb that mentioned Douglas Adams, and I would modify it to be like "Imagine if Douglas Adams was a fuckhead and not at all funny, but was convinced he was."

gellaho

If I ramble long enough, maybe a joke will pop out

GDC

Better keep rambling

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

OECU isnt even a clever..........fuck you, left a joke setup on the table.

Areze

He's like a defective Hideo Kojima clone bought of alibaba

Vooster

Carl

FancyShark

Someone read this book and thought "I love every part of this. I'm going to make it a TV show and call it 'The Big Bang Theory'"

GDC

He's The William Gibson We Have At Home

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Wallium Gorbsen.

Areze

wish.com deus ex

gellaho

Carl's got it rough

Areze

INHUMANLY ERECT

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Carl could rip this fucker in half too.

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

"Haha poor bastard can't even retire on disability in this age"

Areze

in more ways than one

Vooster

Gotta knock him down a peg for smoking too.

Areze

im not sorry

Velo

Yes

FancyShark

This is like CompuToon. It doesn't matter where you choose to start reading; you're seeing the worst thing you've ever seen

Vooster

Then his panic attack is justified

gellaho

Oh, no! Multiculturalism!

gellaho

Areze

wait.. my god

Velo

Oh wait you said unusual

Areze

COULD THIS BE A NOME DE PLUME?

Velo

No it's not unusual

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Is this Scott Adams?

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

This would make for a fun setup for a gang in something like Cyberpunk 2070.

Areze

every silicon valley white frat bro's worst fears realized.

gellaho

Uh, oh!

Vooster

Hahaha, they are beating this shit out of him while they sell him nutrient paste

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Good.

Velo

Do that more

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

I hope that woman melts his face with industrially hot beverage and we get a new and better protagonist.

One with a cool katana.

FancyShark

I think he's trying to do his own version of the scene in Airplane! where the guy beats the crap out of a bunch of hari krishnas

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

I think I would be more comfortable if this was an explicit sexist and racist manifesto

Areze

Give it time

gellaho

Well, that was pointless

GDC

This author has a couple of those in his bibliography

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Ted Kaczynski was funnier than this in his writings.

Vooster

This feels like one of those "I make fun of everyone equally, no targets are sacred" deals that happens to punch down 95% of the time

Velo

I wouldn't hold out for a Hiro

I'll see myself out

gellaho

Well, that's enough narrative I suppose

Velo

Oh good!

gellaho

Time for a dictionary

Vooster

So these people are his coworkers, though?

Velo

Great book cage everyone

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck,.

Velo

FUCK

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

I fucking hate this person.

Whats this authors name and where does it say he lived?

gellaho

Out-house rumors? Get it! Comedy!

Areze

was this ghostwritten by elon musk

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

This is absolutely proto-Dilbert

Velo

IN THE HILARIOUS TRADITION OF DOUGLAS ADAMS

Vooster

It's funny because monolithic diversity is an oxymoron

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Humor is being slowly tortured to death before our eyes.

Vooster

And that's the extent of the jokes

Velo

The world seems less bright

Areze

Fitting as the author is just a regular moron

gellaho

FancyShark

They will find bodies with that carved into their flesh

Velo

No one's finding those

Vooster

Ah yes, the Globalists

Velo

That is how I describe my wood chipper though

gellaho

Let's get some ex-wife jokes in here

FancyShark

See, it's funny because he has a long name

gellaho

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Even the goddam stupid British names arent that funny, there are real Brits with funnier names than Sir Morton Pinkney Ashcroft St. James Eauxbridge.

Vooster

It is bad and scary that foriegners

GDC

Everyone knows if you're doing a long name gag you have to end with "the third". Rookie mistake

FancyShark

THEN WHY DID YOU BRING HER UP

gellaho

And let's interrupt the glossary for a little bit

Velo

Foreigners aren't from here

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Cant hold a candle to Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-digger-dingle-dangle-dongle-dungle-burstein-von-knacker-thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-ticolensic-grander-knotty-spelltinkle-grandlich-grumblemeyer-spelterwasser-kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-gutenabend-bitte-ein-nürnburger-bratwustle-gerspurten-mitzweimache-luber-hundsfut-gumberaber-shönendanker-kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm

Vooster

Which is unacceptable

gellaho

Only to get right back into it. Have you heard of celebrities? Hilarious!

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

As someone with ADHD I feel like I should apologize for this person and seek vengeance.

Velo

Fuck you

Vooster

OH! The PROTAGONIST is Jack Burrows!?! The admittedly unwashed man who can't fuck?!

FancyShark

Same

Vooster

And we're supposed to like him?!

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Also Spike Lee would have an amazing barbecue sauce, fuck you.

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

For my sanity, I'm assuming he is the villain

GDC

If we're using real celebrity names, at least one reference will not have aged well

Areze

"And that's where incels come from, little Timmy"

gellaho

Have you heard of celebrities?

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

The author was born before his time, he should have just made this a dumb blog series

gellaho

Very informative

Vooster

That first sentence is a real, aggravating thing that companies do (refers to previous entry)

gellaho

Areze

He's the bastard lovechild of Elon Musk and Scott Adams

FancyShark

This is the meanest thing I will probably ever say, but this is like a worse version of Gladstone's book

GDC

oof

Vooster

Vampires

gellaho

Trademarks, amirite?

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Or they're making some kind of bomb that makes your blood explode.

Vooster

Neat!

I got that perk in BG3 and it made my character hurt a lot

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Assuming its just not a bomb that gives you HIV.

gellaho

And you know what I hate? Political correctness

gellaho

FancyShark

There it is

Areze

of course

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Fuck grandma, she was probably racist. Had it coming.

Vooster

Sounds like grandma made a living will for assisted suicide and red riding hood didn't respect it

Velo

I did know that already

Areze

At least make the wolf 'eat' grandma

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

The wolf spared her the pain of becoming older.

gellaho

The abbreviations I made up are hilarious

Velo

I knew that from the first two pages of this book

Oh my god we're still going

FancyShark

Oh I get it. "Kevork" is a verb because Kevorkian was still a household name in 2005