gellaho
Have some porn on your way out
131: Headcrash Bruce Bethke
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Roadkill on the Information Superhighway!
Archive
gellaho
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
This is gonna be quite the visual metaphor, but imagine you're on a desert island and there's a dead rotting seagull. It's kind of food
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Oh this is going to be.................just profoundly the worst.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Is it specifically deepfake porn of his boss? Because that's the implication I got
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
I hope its the actual plot of the book.
gellaho
A let's shoot up the office simulator, lot less fun post Columbine
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Huh.
Hey Bruce?
Vooster
It's called Going Postal
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Remember when you said this in 2005, Bruce?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Oh good, not knowing which layer of reality you're on is the best time to start shooting
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Bruce? Do you think the office setting makes mass shootings okay?
Or was this a thing you felt bad about later?
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
It might be the only time
gellaho
No problems here
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Bruce, I think your Publisher was right.
Bruce you piece of shit, are you playing a Doom .WAD?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
His publisher... Wanted him to end the book with the hero murdering lots of children... Is that a lie?
GDC
Bruce seems like the kind of guy to mod Doom to include his female coworkers.
Velo
Fuck it
Do it Bruce
Shoot her
gellaho
So... funny
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
It certainly doesnt feel true.
Velo
Spare her the indignity of being in this book
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
"OH GOD WHY IS THE PAIN SO REAL?!"
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Oh it's jokes haha funnee
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
Not Mr. Dong
gellaho
Oh, darn
Velo
Fuck you, Boyce
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
Give him a noble death
Velo
Sorry. Reflex
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
"It was porn, I swear!"
GDC
This book was the basis of several workplace sexual harassment policies.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Ok so you got caught playing video games at work, now how do we make it your boss's fault
Oh yeah she has sex
Velo
Like a prostitute does!
gellaho
An examination of chapter titles
gellaho
gellaho
gellaho
gellaho
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
If only I was hot enough to bang for promotions
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
I wish this had been a brain virus that killed people.
FancyShark
I sense a theme
Velo
Oh fuck you Bruce
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
The Ring as a really shitty book
Velo
You insufferable boring baseball brained son of a bitch
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
You have to finish reading it to end the curse
Vooster
I'm going to eat dinner and when I get back there better be a plot
gellaho
Not in Chapters 1, 1A, or 2. But, yeah
Velo
There will not be
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Oh GOD is this not past chapter 2?!
gellaho
We're in chapter 7
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Oh thank god.
gellaho
And he's fired
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
My perception of time is expanding most unpleasantly.
FancyShark
I too am going to go eat dinner. I hope the hero is dead by the time I get back.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
And yeah fire that asshole.
Velo
He won't be
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Like its one thing to run videogames on the company hardware, its another to play ones about your boss being a titty demon you gun down.
GDC
Gotta say the chapter titles named after unix commands were less insufferable than the disaster bit.
gellaho
Indeed
Velo
It's a god damn dystopia where you can't even jack off and play video games in your shared office without the political correctness feminazis getting you fired
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
That's 2 on the postal service jokes
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
Pre-Columbine, that was where shootings happened
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Also fuck you Bruce, the Postal Service is the only fucking part of the government thats worked since 1980 or so.
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
It's a lazy play to the zeitgeist, is what I'm saying
Velo
This entire book is
This book aspires to be hacky
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Oh I know, I too consumed 80s and 90s American media
gellaho
Seems needlessly elaborate
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
Oh hell, this is a daydream of his, isn;t it
Velo
God damn it
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Bruce wishes he could reach the heights of "uninspired"
gellaho
Guess what's back!
Velo
Someone once told Bruce "oh, sorry, I thought you were telling a joke" and he has ridden that high for thirty years
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Maybe I will Bruce. I bet I could sue you.
GDC
I don't think we've ever read something by an author I've hated more.
gellaho
Well, back to the racism
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
You obviously dont have the money to fight frivolous lawsuits from the looks of your bibliography, I bet I could make you settle out of court.
Dont ask because you couldnt think of a good reason or dont ask because your stupid reason is needlessly complicated?
gellaho
What? You expect me to write things?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Because it's a detective novel, I guess?
GDC
...it is?
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Hopefully?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Well no but he wants it to feel like one I think
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
I hope its SOMETHING aside from this asshole getting fired and maybe going back to shoot up his office.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Also I can't believe I was begging to return to this and it's immediately shit
Velo
That'll teach you
Never hope
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
The only good thing about this book is reading this assholes wikipedia page made me think of Frank Frazetta and now I can read:
gellaho
He gets a porno delivery from a dwarf. Jack's virtual boner disturbs the bar owner
gellaho
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
"My prostate, because boners do that, you see. Its not a clumsy joke about butt stuff."
gellaho
You're American, Bruce, say jerkoffs
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Stop saying virtual each time.
You fucking hack.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
The "men in drag" punchline has already been telegraphed, so I think there is no way we're not doing that gag with Amber
Velo
I hate being right
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
"For the sake of the telepaths, think different thoughts" is a pretty messed up thing to demand
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
William Gibson and Mike Pondsmith should go to Bruce's house and beat him with hammers.
Velo
So anyways this loser got fired and now he lives with his mom and he plays VR all day and this ends like Catcher in the Rye doesn't it, you hacky fuck
gellaho
ToxicTown
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Yeah don't look in my windows and complain my bedroom is messy, you shitass mind reader. I didn't invite you in
Velo
Get it
Marinara sauce
GDC
Wait. Did Zuckerberg use this as the inspiration for his meta verse instead of Snowcrash?
gellaho
InfoPimps and DataWhores
Velo
Because it's red like blood
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Hey Bruce, this doesn't work. Do the whole thing again please
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Hey Bruce. What do you think a Rosicrucian is?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Think?
gellaho
Now, I'm going to show you what's on the next page and you won't believe it
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
YAY!
GDC
Did Bruce have a minimum number of pages in his contract?
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
ACTIVITY AND COLORING BOOK!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Solved it
Do I win nudity?
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
only madness
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Piss easy maze. Golden Corral had better ones.
Can we do connect the dots next Bruce?
Is there a picture of Spiderman we can color?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I like a crossword every now and then
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Maybe a Goofus and Gallant strip?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
If Bruce is willing to put any fucking thing in this book
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Since apparently we are reading fucking Highlights.
gellaho
The way she lit up that virtual homeless guy was so sexy
Velo
That was the most fun this book has been, by far
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
She's a digital avatar you terrible writer
GDC
If you're hobbling, wear more sensible footwear.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Bruce. A note? You could have started the book like this and not made your main character an extremely unlikeable schlub and piece of shit nobody likes.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
That's how she walks in that thing
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Also make your online sex goddesses hover and glide.
Like theyve got noclip on.
gellaho
This is a baffling conversation
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Wow so funnee
Funnee joke
Haha me go lol
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
Amber only learned how to speak in innuendo
gellaho
We got bits
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
She learned english exclusively from Bond girls
Hey gellaho burn this book
gellaho
Always trust virtual prostitutes
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
"No deal. Titties up front, and $500k later"
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I'm shocked he didn't come up with some new name for the money
gellaho
They want him to do this robbery with an experimental sex rig. And, time for said sex
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Fedbucks or something
So she's in the new sex rig but not him
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
KoolDollars
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
So he can only feel with his hands
Hot
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
So.
gellaho
Gave up on the chapter titles
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Goooood
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
did he have virtual sex or just virtual make out?
Velo
What page are we on?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Bruce kinda forgot about the disaster, but it didn't forget about him
Also why would anyone be sending a fax in this setting
gellaho
Unclear if he finished quickly or his mom interrupted
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
I hope he got some kind of brain disease from sticking his dick in a USB port.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
No no forget the sex scene, why would anyone be sending a fucking fax
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Because technology
gellaho
Time to jerkoff about that virtual sex I had
gellaho
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
I imagine Maxx_Kool looks liek Duke Nukem, laying on the bed with a naked chick, then jumps up startled and squeals "Mo-ommm!?"
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Also, for our younger and currently non Japanese readers, if you try and send a fax to a telephone number, it makes a noise that sounds like a robot dying.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I think the main character just remembered that his book has a plot?
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Seems like it.
Hes nearly four hours late with it, BRUCE.
I'm already on to Frank Frazetta's Death Dealer series, BRUCE.
gellaho
Just let me worry about that
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
You lost me to barbarians and shit, BRUCE.
Velo
Oh that's the most ominous answer
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Gellaho is really good at the ominous answers.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
The infopimp doesn't want us to know anything that might upset us
gellaho
He has breakfast with his online buddy
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
The First Cyberpunk, everyone. Writing a book where the protagonist says "I dont want to do that, its illegal and thats scary."
Oh my bad.
THE ORIGINAL CYBERPUNK.
Velo
"People who are smart and know what they're doing don't do this shit." Might be, conceptually, almost, kind of, the first decent joke in this book
gellaho
Operating at a real 1950s idea of a supercomputer
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Okay but a liquid nitrogen cooler would go hard on my rig.
I mean you dont really NEED that but it SOUNDS cool.
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
Quantum computers are cooled with liquid nitrogen or even liquid helium to maintain superconductivity, but they are far from powerful
gellaho
Skin boat to tuna town
GDC
Radio telescope amplifiers are cooled with liquid nitrogen or else the thermal noise would drown out the signal.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
You're not supposed to balance the watch on your wrist, buddy. It has straps so it can't be knocked off
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
And that why the JWST operates around 10 K
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Bruce...........a watch?
gellaho
Don't want to be disrespectful to the woman who threatened to take her top off at work
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Secondly, everything else in that passage is also stupid and terrible
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Really? A fuckin WATCH?!
GDC
'sail the skin boat to tuna town' is a bloodhound gang lyric.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
"Sure I was super disrespectful to her when it came to thinking she was batshit insane, or looking at her tits when I thought she wasnt looking."
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Dating a woman is really disrespectful and frankly problematic as eff
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
"But I didnt FEEL bad about it."
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Wait actually no what
gellaho
Jesus H Christ
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Bruce did you just tell us youre a proto incel?
Because you sound like the Incels hominid ancestor.
Incellus Erectus, as it were.
GDC
Again, collaboration with Vox Day.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Fucking Christ, even for this book that was quite an escalation
Velo
Holy fuck, Bruce
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Die in a fucking fire, Bruce.
Velo
This feels like he's telling on himself, right?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Yes
gellaho
See, but the last paragraph makes it all OK
Ignore the other 90% of it
Velo
Oh I didn't even read the stuff on the left
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Oh right the welfare queen shit.
gellaho
Meanwhile, we fail to keep a low profile
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Bruce is clearly a Reaganite.
Succulent Eric Christian Berg
Man, I pop in from Avernus for a second and BOOM misogyny.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Oh it's been way more than a second of misogyny
gellaho
Vroom vroom
GDC
Look, a landbarge would be released under the Buick label, not Chevy.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Ok what does she worship, let's think
Aliens?
Velo
You forgot to add the words "you hack fuck"
gellaho
Going back for seconds on the bad Who joke. Also, plant cult
GDC
I assumed it was implied at this point.
FancyShark
So he's not dead, huh
Velo
You still need to let it out for your mental health m!
FancyShark
What we miss?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Oh that's right she had a psychotic episode about a pot plant earlier
Velo
Would you believe nothing?
FancyShark
I would!
gellaho
Ferns
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
And yet still to much to repeat
Velo
You could read this book while drowning and you wouldn't miss a god damn thing
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
No, you stupid bastard. They WERE ferns.
Pay attention Gunnar, if I have to you have to.
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
The Cosmic Fruited Plain
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
On the upside, a girl into a plant cult is way more likely to be DTF.
gellaho
He got fired, a sexy lady wants him to steal virtual documents for 1 million dollars in an experimental fuck suit
And this book-nerds
FancyShark
JFC
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Also he said he's not really a neil breen superhacker and is in fact scared of doing any crimes
gellaho
And they're not vegetarians, isn't that funny? I guess
Vooster
Why does he need the experimental fuck suit?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
But the sexy lady believed a bunch of 13 year olds in a chat room so she thinks he's a Shadowrunner
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
For fucking.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Unknown at this time but probably yes for fucking
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Also it makes total sense a group of plant worshippers would be down with eating meat.
Vooster
And that's needed to steal documents?
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Plants love meat.
gellaho
You know how you want to make out after church?
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Shes also real into fucking, apparently.
And actually yeah making out after is why you GO to church, right?
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
The Word does make some people horny
gellaho
I don't know, you try to parse this
FancyShark
"It also gives painful shocks at random intervals"
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
"E......erotically painful, right? Right?"
Vooster
OOoOOOOooooh, she is offering sex as a reward so they can pay him a laughably low amount of money to do a dangerous thing that will get him executed for treason if he fails
FancyShark
"Even the masochists hate it"
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
I assume so he can use his dick to cut the Black ICE.
gellaho
Back to the after cult festivities. I don't think T'shombe knows what sex is
GDC
One million dollars isn't much in the distant future of 2005
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Hahahahahha suck it nerd.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Gotta give credit where it's due, Bruce knows how to write women
FancyShark
I don't think she knows what tag-team or masturbation are either
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
You even got her to use your dumb ass hacker name and she still turned you down.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Wait the opposite of that
Vooster
To commit a crime that would require going off-grid afterwards? That is low
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Maybe next time dont use your juice on getting her to use something other than your REAL name.
gellaho
Sex is when you take turns jacking off, right?
GDC
Making a cyberpunk dystopia without hyperinflation is another rookie move.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Or make up a cooler handle, like Turbo Xylofucker or something.
FancyShark
Right, and you cut off each other's scalps when you're done. Everyone knows this.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
I mean.........its not NOT that sometimes.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Jetstream Beefwhisper
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
People like different things, you know?
Velo
I just want to note T'shombe was basically gone from between Shark and Vooster leaving till just now
Vooster
Sausage exclusively fucks Praying Mantis cultists
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Sometimes its setting someone on fire, sometimes its cuddling and whispering Morally Upright Comradeship Slogans, sometimes its a reading of The Art of the Deal.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
They did one scene where she threatened to wear her native garb
Which was topless and grass skirt
Vooster
That's where I left
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
And she said she was ethnically a Tutsi-Wutsi
FancyShark
Sometimes it's taking turns screaming into a storm drain while Mister Mister plays on the car radio nearby
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Oh you caught that, cool