131: Headcrash Bruce Bethke

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Bruce I want you to die.

FancyShark

Now this is just isekai

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Stop showing off, we know you read manga in 1995.

Vooster

So he turned on god mode right when Wheelz was about to kill him?

gellaho

Jokes, eh? What are they like? Bruce doesn't know

Velo

After

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

More like hes turned on spectator cam.

Areze

"Conan the O'Brian" FYAD

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

"I play this game with my co-workers a lot, but I have never seen his character before"

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

"I just had to know how he rendered the floppy dick physics so well on a Pentium chip."

Vooster

Wow, this man is so fucking petty jealous that his mostly paralyzed coworker choose to get a hunk model in game. Who does he think he is?

gellaho

Anyway, Charles wins

Vooster

How dare someone choose an avatar this is way more attractive than them?

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Just think, I could be playing Conan Exiles and laughing at the dick physics instead of this.

gellaho

Everyone else goes to the company meeting

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

It gives me feelings

Vooster

Thankfully I look exactly like Grace Jones no follow up questions

Areze

What kind?

Velo

You know what would be fun? An inciting incident

Vooster

Pale mahogany?

Do you know what mahogany is?

gellaho

I knew it was a big meeting from the way our boss looked at my coworkers tits

Velo

Sure would like for a plot to start

Areze

mostly an assassination plot

gellaho

Jokes are hard

Areze

HATE

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Oh wow its only been an hour and a half of this.

Velo

Shut your lying sausage mouth

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Hell is this book forever.

Velo

No

Areze

this distorts time worse than troom troom

Velo

FUCK

Areze

😭

gellaho

A parenthetical paragraph is funny, right?

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Wait..........am I dead?

Vooster

Sure

gellaho

You have no idea how long this book is

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

I mean Mom was driving a little wobbly but......maybe she didnt stop at that sign............

Areze

Inside or outside? Cause yes.

FancyShark

If you are, take us with you

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Real Gellaho As A Cenobite Hours.

Vooster

I've barely done any peggling

Areze

That's a load-bearing L.

Vooster

The game, you freaks

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Oh is that the one that plays Ode to Joy when you finish?

gellaho

Then people get out of the meeting hilariously(?)

There are five examples of this

Classic comedy rule of 5s

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

This book could have been an email

Vooster

That's it's spiritual precursor, Peggle. This is Peglin

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Aw.

Ode to Joy is public domain, just saying.

gellaho

Real funny stuff

Areze

I'll hold out for the reboot Peggithard

FancyShark

At this point, an office shooting would count as a joke

Vooster

They got cars that can call the police but managers have pagers

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

He might be headed there

gellaho

They're about to name a new lead of their department. Let's complain about political correctness again

gellaho

There's more, don't worry

Vooster

FUCK

gellaho

Oh, and it's that woman he spied on

Areze

AAAAAAIIIIIEEEEE

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Waka waka.

Jokes.

Velo

I regret wishing for an inciting incident

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Japes.

gellaho

What if I try combining my failed joke techniques, is that anything?

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Yuks.

Hilarity.

gellaho

Infonuggets

Vooster

Word ticklers!

Velo

FUCK YOU

FancyShark

r/talesfromtechsupport, amirite?

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Also super cool how its The Woman who doesnt know shit about computers Bruce.

Real 1995 energy.

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

TAKE HIS ADVICE

gellaho

Who is saying what? And when? Who knows!

FancyShark

For the love of God, Bruce, PICK A FORMAT

gellaho

Fuck you, reader!

Areze

hate

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Blooooooooowjooooooooobs.

Velo

If this gets a part three we riot

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

You all get that part? She sucks cock for employment, because shes a woman, see?

gellaho

Hey, T'shombe is there. He has a fake black lady friend who knows computers

Areze

Cocksuckiiiiiiiing~ 🎶

gellaho

Narrative? What is it?

FancyShark

Bruce, instead of angrily masturbating, maybe you could try writing something people would want to read?

Vooster

Sorry, my dad called to talk about Mel Brooks movies with me. I was here but not really paying attention

Let's assume I hated everything

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Spaceballs?!

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

I want to be friends with your dad

FancyShark

Her dad rules

gellaho

Let's look at the Boss's boner, it's hilarious!

Vooster

He wanted to know if I left my copy of Young Frankenstein at the house when I moved out and I believe I did

gellaho

Jokes, what are?

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

A shorting penile implant in a cybernetic future would actually make for good comedy

FancyShark

He fucking wishes he could write Photon

Velo

It would! And we know that because Cyberpunk 2077 did that! Oh, the things you can do with good writers

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Its a moderately hilarious idea, like maybe you could put it in a videogame in 2020 and have the dude whos implant is malfunctioning be a game streamer.

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

I'm thinking a Naked Gun bit

gellaho

Charles' palsy is hilarious

gellaho

Just imagine if they had any

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

But with a penis

Vooster

Look we all know you cant criticise the disabled

That's why. um

What?

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

I hear they have normal blood.

Velo

That's why we should end this book cage now

Areze

Why are we mocking this book, then

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

"Stop making fun of yourself you disabled bastard"

gellaho

Pickle this message?! Oh, comedy

Vooster

We can't hire the DEIs they get too sensitive

gellaho

Off to 4

Vooster

WHAT IS THE PLOT

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Racism

Areze

PLOT WHAT PLOT

Vooster

So far a white man goes to work and laughs at minorities. That's literally what 50% of the country does on any given Tuesday, there is no plot!

gellaho

He talks about bird shit for a while

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

THe plot is your brain slowly dying as it tries to remember the first chapter of Snow Crash to save itself in self defense.

Velo

Oh I just saw how many pages this book has

FancyShark

oh no. How many?

FancyShark

So he gets introspective?

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Is that Dark Souls boss music I hear?

Areze

feels like wheel of time numbers already

Velo

Yes

Vooster

Whelp. Time to start drink #2 pineapple cider

gellaho

Complete nonsense is a comedic technique

Vooster

Last one was peach cider

Velo

I'm not going to spoil it but it's many

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

I picked a bad week to cut back

Velo

I had cut back, this has changed those plans

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Bruce. Youre making fun of a Gore presidency but the president we GOT immediately after Clinton was..........real bad and it never got better.

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

The only alcohol in my house right now is a bottle of absinthe for special occasions

Although...

Vooster

I plan to cut back once I finish the ones in my house, which is 2 more cans (not counting this one) and a bottle of rose

gellaho

Punks

Velo

Cider comes in cans?!

Vooster

Yes

Velo

Fuck you

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Oooh chocolate AND frosted steroids?!

Velo

The book not you

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

The future is NOW.

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Gotta say tho I would eat a lot of steroids if they came in chocolate.

gellaho

Can't wait for him to get shoved in a locker to death

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

I wonder if steroid chocolate is safe for dogs...........

Vooster

Ew, this guy is 23

FancyShark

Wow what a surprise. He ran into the gang that he runs into every day.

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

I hope they kill him.

Vooster

That's still young, but too old to still be "moody, snark teen"

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Its just the right age for "Developmentally stunted asshole"

gellaho

Jocks love CD-ROMs

Vooster

Anyways, I hope these althletic children beat the shit out of him. He already lost to a group of sales people in his office

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

I wonder if he has a Something Awful account.....

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

New Rolling Stones Album? That joke... checks out, actually

gellaho

The Rolling Stones putting out music in 2005, could you even imagine?

gellaho

It's not like they put one out last year

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Shit

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Also I wonder if Something Awful is more self fellating in the cyberpunk near future world from the twisted mind of Bruce Bethke?

Vooster

Lol. I went to public school and the whole Jocks v Nerds thing was non-existant. I don't know why movies of the 80s sold everyone on this thing that didn't happen

gellaho

Vooster

Like the most popular kids were the honor roll students who also did sports

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Mostly the jocks in my school were too busy paying me to teach them to read to bully me.

Velo

This is exhausting

gellaho

Off to mom's house

Velo

Fuck you I hope she's been murdered

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Not literally teaching them to read but read out loud with some amount of fluency and do public speaking shit.

Vooster

I was friends with the jocks because I knew most of them from elementary school and they didn't suddenly become dicks in high school. Well, one of them did, but no one liked her after that

gellaho

Well, this formatting is psychotic

This box on the right

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

The only thing this person has that makes him even slightly humanized is he has a cat.

gellaho

Continues, but not onto the next page

Vooster

Ok, this man hates coffee and cigarettes and still wants to be hip and cool

Velo

Fuck you

gellaho

The next one

Vooster

Also a slam against the concept of cities (which just means they hate minorities)

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Fucking..........READ-Man?!

gellaho

In between is this dating ad

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Also NETLORE?!

FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUU

And that dating service would still be a sausage fest.

Vooster

If the only qualifiers a man has is "high, measured IQ" and "tech job" I am staying the fuck away until he brings more qualities to the table

gellaho

It is impossible to read

Velo

Oh my god this is still going

Vooster

Gellaho I hurt!

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

The worst smelling hunchbacked chud Oklahoma 2 woman is better company than this dude.

Vooster

Everything hurts!@

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

My cats are looking concerned

Vooster

Why does the coool man with the good job live with his coffee drinking mother?

gellaho

In between complaining about mother, let's complain about the native Americans

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Also was that out of order on purpose or badly formatted?

Should I be crafting a curse for the editor of this book too?

Velo

How big is this book? Standard paperback? Mass market paperback?

FancyShark

They're already cursed

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Yeah but in a "doomed to wander the earth" kind of fashion, not in a "Your scrotum is now filled with live centipedes" kind of way.

Vooster

ew

gellaho

I don't understand what you are even trying for here, Bruce

Vooster

"The TV watches YOU" OOoooOOOoOOoO

FancyShark

The hell?

Velo

Fuck you that doesn't even make sense

Vooster

Thankfully his mom has an old TV

gellaho

Cat seems cool though

Vooster

Yes

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Good kitty.

Velo

Finally something happened

Vooster

I bet that cat drinks coffee and smokes

gellaho

Let's flashback to when Jack looked at some hippie titties

Vooster

"If you're into that sort of thing" say a man who cannot afford to reject a single woman

FancyShark

All the class of a trucker hat

Vooster

I like trucker hats

FancyShark

Well, I have no response for that

Vooster

And at least truckers contribute to society

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Some of those hats are pretty clever for hats.

gellaho

That hack level cunnilingus joke gets him kicked out of grad school because of political correctness

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Hey everyone I've finally caught up. Wow it's impressive to see an author innovate so many new ways to be terrible

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

He should have gotten the death penalty.

FancyShark

Hi, @Tom Owns Diebel's Grave ! Run while you can!

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Tom you speed ran this? Are you ok?

Velo

I don't think that's what got you kicked out, Pyle

Velo

Run

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

No!

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

For once, I agree with the dystopia, this guy deserves it.

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

He implies that he had that shirt just lying around, too

gellaho

Everyone remembers the ancient film Colossus: The Forbin Project

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Longest and worst "bitches can't take a joke"

Velo

I'm not even sure this is a dystopia, I think this guy just sucks

Vooster

Yeah, it seems everyone else is getting along just fine in this future-that-liberals-want

People give a shit about beavers and the earth. It's great!

gellaho

You ever seen Star Trek?

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Honestly if you cant get laid when a bunch of hippie chicks roll around you need a Che Guevara T Shirt and maybe some turquoise jewelry.

Vooster

And to give a single shit about anything they care about

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Or at least pretend like you do.

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

And the one conservatives want, the author is better than both of them

gellaho

Vooster

Yeah. A lot of them just want to get laid and are open about it, as long as you aren't a shithead they might give you a chance

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

A Federal Booby Inspector t shirt isnt going to get you anywhere.

Velo

Maybe this book is better if you've watched Star Trek. I'm going to go do that

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Spring for the hat and matching windbreaker at least.

FancyShark

Well, Velo's gone

gellaho

The internet, could you even imagine?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Except they're so stuck up and humourless they would definitely have me arrested for my hilarious t-shirt

gellaho

It's Federal Breast Inspector, you gotta be classy

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

It takes your computer that long to boot your primary CPU?!

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Different bureau.

FancyShark

CPU's generally have to boot before most of the rest of the machine, Bruce

gellaho

Time to take a dump

Vooster

He makes it sound way duller than it actually is. Somehow

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

You have to go to college to be a Breast Inspector.

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

gellaho

You ever heard of bandwidth?

Velo

Fuck you no

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Okay to be fair, in 1995 most people wouldnt have heard of bandwidth.

Which asks the question, BRUCE! Who is this shitty book FOR?!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Whoever came up with the term information superhighway should have died in the cradle

gellaho

Playing online in 2005, could you even imagine?

Vooster

You need big enough tubes for the data juice to flow thru

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Also get Larry Nivens name out of your fucking mouth, Bruce.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

The consequences have been too severe

Vooster

Did this motherfucker just calle me Joe?!!

gellaho

Don't get mugged on the dark web

Vooster

That's my uncle you hack!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Fuck you Vooster you're an uncle now

Vooster

I'm Vooster Mundane, thank you

gellaho

Off to the literal information highway

FancyShark

If he thinks all freeways are clean and well-marked, he's never driven a car

Vooster

Mugged online?

Wait. He has to drive a virtual car around the internet to get to his site?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Ok wait what was his point about online multiplayer being impossible?

gellaho

Or metaphor, somehow