131: Headcrash Bruce Bethke

gellaho

So concludes Chapter 1

Vooster

So our hero is an IT helpdesk

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Fuck you, dont explain what a gofer is.

Everyone who doesnt know that doesnt read books!

Vooster

I get why people who work in IT are salty, but they can be funny about it

gellaho

Off to Chapter 1A

Areze

This man's main vocalization is a smug snort

FancyShark

WHAT

gellaho

FancyShark

oh fuck you

Velo

FUCK YOU

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

If the cowbells are real then its quite funny.

Velo

I don't even have a joke. There is only hate

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

If its just sarcasm then fuck you.

GDC

I'm disappointed with myself for knowing what awk is

gellaho

Please ignore when I admitted to spying on that woman earlier

Velo

I'm disappointed with myself for being able to read

gellaho

awkward, amirite?

Velo

Hey sausage it was sarcasm

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Fuck this fucking book.

Velo

Look it was sarcasm. He was being funny. Cowbells. Can you imagine?

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

LIteral cowbells would have been funny, you hack.

Velo

Imagine cowbells.

Wacky stuff

gellaho

Bruce lost track of his sarcasm here and instead just went insane

Vooster

At least he's refering to his coworkers as animals. Animals have agency. NPCs do not

Areze

HATE

HATE

HATE

FancyShark

Oh hey, I worked for a place that did this to their employees. The clocking out the use the bathroom part at least

Velo

Oh there was an insane guy who actually preached this

Lawson something

FancyShark

YOU HEAR ME, BRUCE?! I'M REMEMBERING A PLACE THAT LET AN OLD MAN DIE OF EXHAUSTION AND IT'S FUNNIER THAN YOUR WRITING

gellaho

So wacky

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

My brain filled in Gary Larson for some reason.

Areze

THe great earth goddes isn't the only thing that sucks

FancyShark

Finally, he's going insane

GDC

It's like the text equivalent of a family circus comic

Areze

going?

Velo

This story sucks but I would like to point out that the writing is also bad on a technical level

gellaho

A regular ol' Uber mensch

Vooster

"My building got bombed and it's so inconvenient for me to get around it!"

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

I'm impressed that he got all this on paper before hurting someone

Velo

Every part of this book is bad

FancyShark

What, Bruce? You're too much of a coward to use a swear word? You fucking nerd

Vooster

No mention of if anyone died in the bombing

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

A page-a-day calendar of "me trying to be funny about every little annoyance, amiright?"

Vooster

This was written before 9/11 right?

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

No people did

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Books like this make me feel like Girolamo Savaronola might have been on to something when he was burning art and books.

Velo

6 years before

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Is this the reason for 9/11?

FancyShark

It's possible

Vooster

So we are less likely to have an infinite 9/11 plotline

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Id prefer infinite 9\11

As an American, I think the concept of 9\11 is pretty funny.

FancyShark

Bruce's coworkers lived through 9/11 and were relieved it meant a few minutes not listening to him

gellaho

He finds Hassan in the networking room, having destroyed the network on orders

Vooster

Your backslashes are disrespectful to both the living and dead

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

I'm trying to figure out who would legitimately enjoy this book, even in the 90's, and the only answer I can come up with is the author

Vooster

Why did the publisher let this go through??

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Book publishers are anti-life.

Areze

Didn't read it.

Vooster

Maybe they didn't understand it so they thought it was fine???

FancyShark

Kompromat, I assume

Vooster

True, anything can be published

gellaho

Hassan gives some cryptic bullshit about corporations having biological clocks and walks out of the book

Velo

I miss Scarrow

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

This is honestly most likely some occult effort to increase the entropy of the universe and hasten the return of The Great Destroyer.

FancyShark

I envy you, Hassan. You escaped this.

Vooster

Did he die of lung cancer?

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

I wonder how many books this asshole wrote.....

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

He's a great zombie though

Vooster

Corporations do often have monthly/quarterly/annual cycles so timing work to be off cycle is a thing

Areze

women corporations, amirite fellas?

Vooster

For instance, reporting for June will arrive next week, which is why I spent the last 2 weeks doing fuck all instead of catching up on my backlog while things were quiet

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Only four?

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

And novelizing Wild Wild West doesnt count, you pussy.

You cant usher in the Kali Yuga with three novels.

FancyShark

He wrote three things based on existing properties and this

gellaho

Then finds people stereotypically praying. Here's Jewish

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

He got a Dick award

gellaho

Chinese

gellaho

And wheelchair

gellaho

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Fuck you at least reference Laozi you racist fuck.

Die in a fucking fire.

FancyShark

The best way to tell a joke is to repeat it several times and make it more obvious each time

gellaho

And black woman

Vooster

I have worked in a kosher cafeteria, I have catered at temples, no one just has lambs blood. This is the most offensive Jewish thing I've heard and I studied the Holocaust in college

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

I hope Philip K Dicks ghost eats your dick and uses it to fuck your mother in Hell, Bruce.

FancyShark

How dare you sully the name of the publication Bitch!

Vooster

This is accurate. Black women do be drinking coffee and calling out dipshits to their face

This is a woman who knows saying her actual thoughts would get her fired

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bitch_(magazine)

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Oh thank god, an actual character ish person and not a loose stereotype wearing the skin of a hate crime.

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Wait

FancyShark

No. He doesn't get credit for this.

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Shit did Bruce fucking.................

Velo

No

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Areze

I think silently shooting him would deserve a Medal of Honor, though.

gellaho

She eventually loses her mind

gellaho

FancyShark

I don't care if he's the founder. He doesn't get credit for it.

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Oh cool shes a lunatic.

Also light rail is good, fuck you Bruce.

gellaho

She takes him to her tin-foil room, and he gets a boner

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

I hope some woman read his book and was inspired

Velo

It was a different time

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

I hope you get run over by a fuckin train.

Vooster

Wait. I didn't catch her offensively African name the first time

But this guy names people like Rowling names people

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

An electric one, and not one of the bullshit ones with a giant lithium battery, a proper overhead electrified rail one that is efficient.

GDC

The fucking Sad Puppies guy? Christ.

GDC

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

If he gets laid in this shielded room, I am done here.

Vooster

I was alive in 1995, just learned to read, and probably would have called this problematic

FancyShark

"Because Bruce never gained recognition"

gellaho

He briefly considers pulling her top off before she pledges allegiance to a plant

gellaho

Vooster

I hate how of all the stereotypes to give an extended scene to, he chose a black woman

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

I mean this wouldnt be a deal breaker.

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

He's progressive! (sarcasm)

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Ive dated women with stranger beliefs than a plant god.

gellaho

A cutting from the god plant

Vooster

If he picked the chinese man I at least wouldn't be personally offended (but still very offended)

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

"I stole a glance down Mr. Dong's shirt..."

Areze

"I see why they call you Mr. Dong."

FancyShark

I refuse to believe this character wouldn't have sex with a lunatic

gellaho

It's a great story

Areze

That would just be masturbation.

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Im imagining this lady is Whoopi Goldberg but from when they tried to cast her as a sexy detective in Fatal Beauty.

Vooster

She moved like a cat?

On all fours?!

Areze

BUTT IN THE AIR!?

Vooster

Also, plan't generally don't thrive well in fully interior server rooms

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Knocking things off the desk and stepping on the keyboard?

gellaho

Anyway, back to work

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

He missed the opportunity to attack Kwanzaa, 1 point in his favor

Score: -(a huge amount)

Vooster

Why do they keep calling him "Pyle"?

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Honestly, not the craziest conversation you could have at work.

FancyShark

Because Gomer Pyle was the wisecracking main character on MASH

I assume

Areze

"Pyle Ovshite"

Vooster

Ah, a reference for the youths of 1995

gellaho

That is correct

Vooster

I never watched MASH

Because I am young

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

there were only like 5 shows then

gellaho

It's almost like VR is a stupid idea

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

People in 1995 werent watching fucking MASH, you piece of shit.

Unless they were old as shit!

Invent a TV show you bastard.

FancyShark

He wanted us to know that everyone thinks he's funny. Because he is deeply insecure and will die alone.

gellaho

I couldn't even begin to imagine what this is supposed to mean

Marcmoo

I bought this book new and was so disappointed.

FancyShark

Hi, @Marcmoo !

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

That was already falling out of fashion

Vooster

Not for what his face

GDC

He sounds like the guy who think he's being clever and edgy when he gives his variables dirty names

Vooster

Tucker

FancyShark

This is back when shitheads had to work to rally around something

gellaho

Anyway, Chapter 2

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Really just Tucker Carlson held onto the bowtie thing way longer than anyone else.

Vooster

Already rebooting?

gellaho

We've had enough of a narrative for now. Time for another narrative break

Vooster

Why does this need 5 people

GDC

Reboot was so much better than this book

Velo

Had to look away to avoid pain, what did I miss

FancyShark

:shockshark:

Vooster

Hahaha, nothing

FancyShark

More pain

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Especially the Evil Dead episode.

gellaho

Better put character descriptions right in the text, because I'm too lazy to actually do it narratively

Vooster

No plot has advanced. He has introduced racist characters and talked to them briefly

Sorry, characatures*

FancyShark

"Fifty-something but still handsome"

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

When nobody knows how to actually run things, this can happen

gellaho

Words are fun

Areze

Of course the cartoonishly-racist caricature of a Chinese man is Very Kung Fu

gellaho

And, enough of that structure

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

At least he chose something cool about Chinese culture to be racist about.

Areze

just have him show up in an orange robe and be done with it you fuckpump

gellaho

Now it's a play, fuck you

FancyShark

lol

That's it

I've snapped

Vooster

The part where they force their kids to all study Western classical instruments?

FancyShark

I'm embracing the chaos

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Could have had him doing laundry or selling his daughters, the way shit happens in bruces mind.

Areze

still making involuntary jack-off motions with my hand

gellaho

Grep 666

Vooster

I already forgot who is who

Why give us nicknames and not use them?

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

People who do idiosyncratic code make my palms itch, because I want to fucking slap them.

Hey, fucker. How do you expect anyone to know what the fuck cat foo is?

Or what it means to YOU?!

Motherfucker just call a function you piece of human garbage.

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

exit(book)

gellaho

You ever seen Star Trek? That's funny, right?

Vooster

You're already this far in, just label them "Ching Chong, Jew, Shaquanda, and Wheelz"

Velo

grep "Fuck you"

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Youd be close to a decent Jackie Chan movie that way!

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

rm -r /this_book/*

Areze

HATE

FancyShark

You are REBOOTING A NETWORK. Just unplug the fucking router, unplug the switches, wait 3 minutes, plug the router back in, wait 3 minutes, plug the switches back in. Then restart all terminals. This doesn't require the tone of the Normandy invasion.

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

And in 1995 you could get away with naming your wheelchair user "Wheelz" unironically.

gellaho

Barney, funny right? Right?

Velo

We triggered Shark

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Who the fuck is Keir Dullea?!

FancyShark

IT'S SIMPLE!

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

BRUCE STOP TRYING TO BE FUCKING CLEVER.

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Some previous guy custom wrote the DNS table update algorithm and if you don't do things a certain way it gets borked

FancyShark

:TheUnfuckableHulk:

Vooster

Do we - should I bring a fire extinquisher?

FancyShark

Get the ax

gellaho

See, that's the joke!

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

I hope this fuckin book made some people luddites.

Velo

Fuck you

gellaho

He spent seven pages on a bad Star Trek parody as a joke

It's funny, right?

Right?

Velo

I'm committing violence

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

ALSO FUCK OFF 80S SITCOMS ARE FUNNIER THAN THIS YOU ASSHOOOOOLE!

Areze

HATE HATE HATE

Velo

I've been to funerals that were funnier than this

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

BRUCE IF YOU SAY BAD THINGS ABOUT ALF I WILL WEAR YOUR FUCKING SKIN!

Velo

On accident!

Marcmoo

Is the main character wearing a diaper?

FancyShark

I've had bouts of IBS that were funnier than this

Areze

I'm funnier than this.

FancyShark

Wait, but you are

Vooster

I've threatened suicide over less dire circumstances

Velo

Scarrow is funnier than this

Areze

John Byrne is funnier than this.

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

It's hard to be less funny than "0"

Vooster

Yeah

Areze

Vonce Offer is- about the same, tbh

Velo

Grant Ryals office supply adventures were funnier than this

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Bruce is 69ish years old.

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Not nice

Velo

Bad

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

And that fact is funnier than the rest of this book.

Velo

Should be dead

FancyShark

Road trip!

gellaho

Then they play a stupid videogame

Vooster

Listen up nerds, this is the real shit: Left 4 Dead

gellaho

Videoshades and fingerless datagloves because I'm so cool

Marcmoo

The timeless Tipper Gore burn.

FancyShark

uh huh. Bruce, Quake was widely available at this point. You should already know nerds with guns means rocket jumping and gibbing

Vooster

Oh of COURSE this asshole is a team killer

No one wants to play team mode of Fortnight with you

GDC

He's the guy you immediately mute when he starts talking on voice chat

Areze

The squeaky voice or the slurs, first?

Vooster

Then he just types slurs without context in the chat

gellaho

This goes on for a while

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Bruce, that sounds like a bullshit game in the first place.

gellaho

Until quivering thews show up

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

You get MORE hitpoints for winning? Doesnt that mean you just snowball your way to more winning?

FancyShark

THEWWWWWS

Areze

:FuckApe:

Vooster

It sounds like a mix of left for dead and fortnight, but for 1995 I bet he's thinking of Postal/Doom but multiplayer

FancyShark

He's definitely the type to only do PvP with cheats

Wait, King Kong's dick?

That has to be, like, human sized

gellaho

Turns out it's wheelchair boy

Velo

Oh good you noticed it too

FancyShark

Not like a whole human

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

And because its 1995 it looks like

FancyShark

Just, scaled up, it'd be the size of a human dick

gellaho

Time to cheat

Vooster

Oh a Jaberwocky reference

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

King Kong isnt even very large for a kaiju.

gellaho

I will not

FancyShark

God dammit

Velo

None of us will