Vooster
It is way faster to just type 1900hotdog.com into the bar at the top of the page
131: Headcrash Bruce Bethke
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Roadkill on the Information Superhighway!
Archive
FancyShark
Even for this book, this is idiotic
Vooster
And websites worked the same way back then
Velo
Every technical thing he has said in the last four to five pages has been wrong, even in 1995
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
No you stupid dick, either they are visual tools or you're writing a visual metaphor. Not both.
gellaho
This metaphor is very confusing
Vooster
At this rate it will take him 20 minutes to do a thing I can do in 3, including the dial-up part
This man never heard of bookmarks either
gellaho
Oh my fucking God
Velo
That's not how spam works
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU
Velo
This chunk has been an attack on me specifically
gellaho
Hahahahahahaha
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
This movie came out the same year as Hackers and has aged worse.
Vooster
Harley Davidson makes dildos now?
gellaho
He's just so cool, you guys
FancyShark
I no longer wish to kill Bruce. I now wish to find him and laugh at everything he enjoys until he is robbed of happiness.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Remember when that movie convinced everyone you needed a cool screen name and not shit like "Dickfiend 420" or "Hitlerchanuwu88" or "Flippant Sausage"?
Velo
I'm unplugging the internet
gellaho
My super secret online, educational tree house is so cool
gellaho
Vooster
I just want to stand in the room and stare at him, with a neutral face, and slightly frown at random times so he never knows exactly what is bothering me
gellaho
Ahuh
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Fuck ALL THE WAY OFF THE PLANET!
Vooster
Oh but I'm a black woman so he doesn't care about my thoughts. Go laugh at him, @FancyShark
gellaho
This is something a child would build
Vooster
This is like if Second Life wasn't thought out or organized at all
FancyShark
This is Cool World with more steps
Velo
This is hell
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
So like Space Station 13?
gellaho
Sits backwards on chair. Give me a sec to rap with you about Jesus
Vooster
I don't get the reference, sorry
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
That ones just for me maybe.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Wow what an incredible visual metaphor. So I guess what actually happened is he opened a web page?
Vooster
He's in a chatroom
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
My cat is murdering an empty candy wrapper right now.
FancyShark
He's going through a lot of effort to disguise looking at dirty pictures of Magilla Gorilla
Vooster
Hell yeah
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
It contained a Werthers.
Vooster
Hell yeah
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
And he imagines that it's loading a bit faster for him than other people
gellaho
My bandwidth is so high, my graphics are only mostly draw distance fog
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Real talk, sugar free Werthers are better than they have any right to be.
Velo
That's not what bandwidth does you fuck
gellaho
I bet Ernest Cline loved this book
FancyShark
Affectation, not affection, dipshit
Velo
I'll be over here screaming and unplugging things until the Internet shuts off
gellaho
Oopsie
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Gasp!
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
oooh SEPARATE NODS.
Because Bruce is too stupid and bad at writing to know what discrete vs discreet means.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
M-m-m-m-m-m-en? (5 minute vomiting montage)
Vooster
Uh huh, and where are these men? Asking so I can make sure they are there...to be avoided
gellaho
Tingo Spellhands weeps
Vooster
Who programmed the virtual music to bleed into the next virtual room?
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
Damn those emote macros
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
You see it's actually all a visual metaphor
For something
gellaho
Why would anyone choose to do this
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Not sure what
Vooster
The arabs....
Whut
FancyShark
So the future is people trying to doxx each other in Second Life?
Vooster
Wait, a foursome of ninjas?!
gellaho
The inventor of cyberpunk, ladies and gentlemen
nosecel budd
is that how he does it
Vooster
Khyberpunks is pretty good though
FancyShark
Hi, @nosecel budd !
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
So everyone else gets cartoonish avatars but the arabs sign in as cartoonish arab stereotypes
Vooster
I will give him one point for Khyberpunk, which brings his total to negative 4,883
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I guess it's a visual metaphor for the author's lack of imagination
gellaho
Let's play a game of how good Bruce is at predicting the future
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
They are Pashtun, not Arabs, so it check I guess
gellaho
Swing and a miss
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Arabs dont live in Afghanistan either, BRUCE.
Bruce.
Where do you THINK Afghanistan is?
Show me on a map, Bruce.
FancyShark
In Arabia, of course
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
No, Bruce, thats Switzerland.
Velo
I say this with absolutely no fondness, a dearth of respect, and a gaping chasm where irony should be: this is the worst book we've ever read
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
No, thats the Atlantic Ocean.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I was about to say the exact same thing haha
gellaho
When nothing I say makes sense, it's, like, supposed to? Ok?
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Bruce.
Its 1995.
Ive played fuckin Quake.
People can visualize non internally consistent spaces.
Vooster
Imagine: a virtual world. with draw distance
Velo
Bruce.
It's 1995.
Shut the fuck up, Bruce.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Bruce. Go play Quake, Bruce, and leave the writing shit to people who are good at it.
Vooster
Yo dawg the pokemon games I played on my gameboy had houses that were bigger on the inside than the outside in terms of tiles
gellaho
And, I will tell you this: it absolutely is not
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Whos dick did you suck to get a Philip K Dick award for this Bruce?
gellaho
It's still Blind Justice
Vooster
I skipped that one
And most of these
Velo
Okay good point, solid second place
FancyShark
oh god, I remember that one now
gellaho
You all were spared most of that book
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Also if Arabs were logging on to a chat room theyd definitely be Gokus.
Vooster
Not to be confused with the South American Gokus
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
We are dangerously close to inventing new slurs
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Very important to recognize the international importance of Goku.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Wow I could never imagine a hub area with different instanced environments that contain their own impossible space. I mean Super Mario 64 came out like 6 months after this, but otherwise it's impossible
gellaho
The problem with these boxes is that I'm absolutely not looking at the regular text
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Ultima Online launched like two years after this and made everything hes fucking doing here look stupid.
Vooster
I like the aside about severed hands
FancyShark
The hands have nothing to do with the pterodactyls, it's just a fun coincidence
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Bruce, did you read a Discworld novel before writing this?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
So does this virtual environment make you play by video game rules like ready player one even if you just want to go to a chatroom?
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Do you think you should try and draw that comparison, Bruce?
FancyShark
He can't even footnote right
gellaho
Are you the Maximum Kool?
Vooster
So a "roblox" sort of sitch?
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Its like you are showing us your stupid little shit sculpture you made from your own turds right next to a towering statue, Bruce.
Velo
Maybe a Fortnight kind of deal
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I would have to have played roblox, but let's say yes
Velo
That's it this book is Fortnight
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
The statue is big, and made of marble Bruce.
Vooster
Silicon Jungle is what I call my sex dungeon
Velo
Fuck you Bruce
Vooster
No wait, that's silicone jungle
gellaho
Yes, Bruce, that is pathetic. So is pretending to be the coolest dude in fake Second Life
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
A game that people still play 5 years after it's abandoned
Vooster
I haven't either but I've watch a youtuber or two try to mine it for content
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Oh so hes the developer of (insert any game made before 1995 here).
Vooster
Freddy Fish?
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
You stupid piece of shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit Bruce.
Vooster
Putt Putt?
gellaho
And she's definitely gorgeous
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
How are you "seeing the resemblance" of someone using an avatar? Either it's the same avatar as last time you saw them or it's not
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Do you even know what mods are, Bruce? Have you ever seen the Doom .WADS glittering in the void, Bruce?!
Velo
Does she pronounce the "_"?
gellaho
So cool
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
They're like stars, Bruce.
Vooster
Oh sure, the avatar lady is a real lady and NOT a "man in drag" this time
gellaho
Cool dudes love the Honeymooners
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
It's her fetish
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Fuck offfffffffffff Bruce.
Velo
I bet that's the comedic twist at the end
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Nobody in a virtual environment like this is going to use a goddam switchblade.
Vooster
A mono-molecular one
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Unless they're an asshole.
gellaho
BusinessWorld wishes it was as cool as 0Fball
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Bruce..........did you forget that Hiro Protagonist was an asshole? When you read Snow Crash did you skip that part?
Velo
Okay so Kool went and shot a few rounds for Only Fans
Vooster
Oh did he wander into the metaverse?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Why would chatrooms have a closing time, Bruce?
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
He literally asks people "Do you think I'm an asshole?" Bruce, it was hard to miss.
gellaho
This pornography really speaks to me
Vooster
Pussy in bio
Velo
Kool just messed his virtual pants
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Rad you figured out parallax scrolling on a texture, Bruce.
FancyShark
Bruce, you got catfished by more than one chatbot, didn't you
gellaho
Suck my dick, Bruce
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
You can put Rygar on a pair of tits now.
Vooster
This wall is double virtual, folks
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Fuck off Bruce, thats not what its called.
Velo
Eat a bucket full of shit, Bruce
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Bruce I want you to know I'm mad at you personally.
gellaho
Upon seeing the video game character, Jack runs
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Finally Satan has come for this asshole protagonist.
Vooster
NONE OF THIS IS REAL STOP PANICKING LIKE YOU ARE IN THE PARKING LOT OF THE BUILDING YOU WORK IN
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
I hope if you die in the internet you die in real life in this one.
Marcmoo
This is Wired Magazine in book form.
gellaho
Such a cool guy
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
It's a visual metaphor, he probably actually saw some really dangerous code
Like code that could send his cpu to hell
GDC
Honestly I'm the same way after losing track of time playing Civilization
Vooster
Just pee yourself. bro
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
Virtually pee yourself
gellaho
Later, at work
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
01010011 01110101 01100011 01101011 00100000 01100001 00100000 01100100 01101001 01100011 01101011 00100000 01100010 01110010 01110101 01100011 01100101
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
That says: Suck a dick bruce.
Its a more valuable use of your time.
GDC
This book is an accurate depiction of what women in tech put up with, I'll give it that
Vooster
He wants to be hot for his nubian coworker but he was also clear that she's crazier than a sack of ants
Velo
Two things can be true
FancyShark
@Velo , I applaud your bravery with that new title
Vooster
Not in this book
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
He's being assimilated
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I'm harping on this visual metaphor thing because what's actually happening is that Bruce probably doesn't know enough about computers to write a real cyberpunk story so he's just writing as if the virtual environment is real and making us make sense of it ourselves
Because he sucks
gellaho
Pocket Nintendo
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
He should take the plunge and stick his dick in crazy, because she just believes in an omnipresent plant god.
GDC
Dude collaborated with Vox Day, he sucks on multiple axes.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Like thats practically normal!
FancyShark
GAME BOYS EXISTED WELL BEFORE 1995, BRUCE
GDC
By 2005 you'll be able to fit a whole NES in your pocket
gellaho
Vooster
I mean, of all the religions out there, I can get behind "Big Plant"
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
BRUCE! THE GAME BOY COLOR WOULD COME OUT IN 3 YEARS!
FancyShark
ONE!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Oh no I managed to forget about the work shit
Vooster
Lol, his nemesis is a woman who has sex
GDC
Personal organizers also existed. The Palm Pilot was only a few years away.
Vooster
Shame! Shame her!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I'm sorry for making fun of your visual metaphors Bruce, please bring back the tech noir
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Bruce. I dont say this lightly. But we've killed authors psychically before without meaning to. You're pretty old now.
Just think about your children or wife or pets or whatever and start doing better soon.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Bruce please don't do more of this office comedy
FancyShark
We had affection for those authors, Bruce. We don't know what we're capable of when that power is fueled by hate.
gellaho
This cultural outfit, really helps me show off my magical nipples
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
Yeah the story got better when it went virtual
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Please let's go back to the world of MAX_KOOL and his many amazing adventures
Vooster
Magical Negro Nipples stereotype
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Yeah can we stop making the very nice black woman a sex object, please, Bruce?
gellaho
It continues
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
You didnt do much character development so theres not enough to grab onto here, so its hard to appreciate fully.
gellaho
Wakka wakka
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Bruce I will be so nice to you if we can just go back
Vooster
Few things I hate more in this world than racists who also have a fetish for ethnic women (or men)
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Bruce are you just sitting in your home office in 1994 and hooting "SHOW THEM YOUR TITS!" at the typewriter?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Your use of grammar is so adequate Bruce
You have such nominally interesting ideas Bruce
FancyShark
Dammit, Bruce, you cruel bastard. You got Tom pleading!
GDC
Techbros have changed so little since 1995.
gellaho
Fruit
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Ok I just read Tutsi-Wutsi and I take back these compliments. Eat my shit and choke on it instead, if you'd be so kind
Velo
I looked away for a bit what the fuck
Vooster
This man wrote so many words
All of them, a scream into the void
Velo
This book is very long
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Bruce..........you fucking dipshit, at least make a relevant joke about computer names.
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
I'm impressed he can keep going
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Like Apple had a computer named after Steve Jobs unloved daughter, do something with that.
FancyShark
Bruce, Charles Boyce is better at technology and joke execution than you
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
At my most toxic I could rant for maybe a chapter
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Apple had been a household name for like a decade when this book came out, right
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
This fucking book is Bruces best work, apparently.
It WON AN AWARD.
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
The virtual world stuff is kinda fun, maybe that goes somewhere
Maybe I'm gaslighting myself for survival
Vooster
My most toxic sentence: "grrr, minorities! Am I right? And what about airlines? They also suck!"
gellaho
Let's have a digression
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
We should all send Gellaho something nice for not reading us the one he did ripping off The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress in collaboration with a white supremacist.
gellaho
FancyShark
ew
Vooster
I had a larger student debt balance and uh...the fuck is his point?
Vooster
Hah! This woman has consensual sex! Kill her!
gellaho
Good news
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
The answer to number 3 is yes, definitely.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Yeah she fucks and you hate that. Now go be horny on the internet
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
THANK YOU FOR THIS MINUTE SCRAP OF MERCY BRUCE BUT IT WONT SAVE YOU
gellaho
Is that a lie? You bet
Velo
Whore!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Oh fuck you more than usual for that one
gellaho
That's not what crash test dummies do
FancyShark
He was proud of that joke
Vooster
You know how the things they use to test collisions break the things they are inside of?
No?
gellaho
Spooky
FancyShark
Big deal. My aunt does that when she can't remember her email password
Vooster
Oh yes, the worst thing possible: a coworker who is bad with computers
gellaho
So funny
Vooster
Also known as: most of my coworkers
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
It's just occurred to me this bit of "I.T manager who doesn't know computers" is something that was done really well in the sitcom I.T Crowd, if anyone else needs to take a moment to remember good writing
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
This is just Mechanicus standard procedure.
She should also have applied the proper unguents and chanted the Rite of Activation.
FancyShark
That was a great show. One bit really didn't age well, but it was otherwise stellar
gellaho
Lovely woman
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Shes six two and you dont remember her fucking name?
Vooster
Sounds hot
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
I'm ok with making fun of people who are so bad at computers that they make problems for other people
Vooster
And "Kyra" is a hot lady name
gellaho
Let's get weird about the black woman again
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
My immersion is broken, I would remember a six foot two woman towering over me.
Also stop using words like "delicious" to describe your coworker.
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
Oh hell, he's found another stereotype to mock
FancyShark
Of course she's a lesbian
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
At least the whole "cant remember her name" thing is a little funny.
Like im pretty sure Bruce stole this bit from something like Fawlty Towers but still.
When you are as unfunny as Bruce plaigiarism is a step up.