67: Police Patrol: 2000 A.D. Mack Reynolds

gellaho

The Book Cage - Episode 65: Police Patrol: 2000 A.D.

Imagine the far-off year of 2000. Your hero is Tad Boleslaw. "Tad Boleslaw?" you say, incredulous. "Yes, Tad Boleslaw," I reply. There is universal pay, but it's defined as credit from the government, but it's also stocks somehow? Or psuedo-dollars. Look, it's not well-defined. Zoroastrianism has come from way downtown to become the American religion. In the great tradition of Steele, I bring you Mack Reynolds' Police Patrol: 2000 A.D.. A confounding vision of policing in the future/the past. This Friday, 5pm eastern, find out how that Tad Boleslaw and Jim Kelly (not the Quarterback) fight crime in the year 2000!

gellaho

Space Action Flippant Sausage

Shit a hard bitten cop in the Zoroastrian futurepast sounds pretty neat.

Even if he does have a name like someone trying to order KFC in pig latin.

FancyShark in a White Suit

He's got the endorsement of Galaxy and If readers

gellaho

Mack does want to tell you a lot about himself. Not much about the book

Derpbat

I can't wait to hear how he squares Zoroastrianism considering monarchy to not just be the default state of mankind but to actually be divinely ordained with America.

Derpbat

Man, I'm going to have to divide my time from gaming for this one.

FancyShark in a White Suit

I'm betting his take on Zoroastrianism is "Christianity treated like Greek Mythology but with different names"

Space Action Flippant Sausage

You always hope they go Full Taiping Rebellion and do something bonkers but they hardly ever do.

FancyShark in a White Suit

And if they try, it ends up being a lecture

Derpbat

Zoroastrians have crossed my desk a lot lately for some reason.

Like, not a lot, a lot.

gellaho

Lazier. Replace every colloquial use of "God" or "Jesus" with "Zoroaster."

Derpbat

That's... about what I expected, actually.

Hurray! My expectations were not subverted!

FancyShark in a White Suit

Dang. That was my first guess and I thought "no, that's too easy"

Derpbat

I bet he met someone who was a Zoroastrian and he wanted to impress them.

But without learning more than one thing about the religion.

FancyShark in a White Suit

Or he thought Zoroaster sounded more future-y

gellaho

Really should be doing intensive research for these $1.95 books

Derpbat

It does kind sound of futury.

It's even more futuristic as 'Zarathustra'.

Which... come to think of it, is probably where he got the idea from. 2001 A Space Odyssey.

gellaho

Excuse me, $1.50

FancyShark in a White Suit

"Kneel before Zoroaster, puny Earth man!"

Derpbat

Excuse me, that was...wow, that's a depressingly large amount of money for a 1.50 in the 70s to be worth now.

FancyShark in a White Suit

Gellaho shells out for the good stuff

Derpbat

Gellaho is way too good to us.

gellaho

I'm pretty sure I spent less than 1.50

Derpbat

But it's not a good comparison, because he actually got this book published. By a major publisher.

Which means today this book would sell for like 16 bucks.

gellaho

Not really. These guys would publish anything

Derpbat

That's some small relief, I suppose.

gellaho

I have two bookshelves to prove it

Derpbat

Waiiiiiiiit.

What's that last book on his list of credits?

The Day After Tomorrow?

Is this

Nah.

gellaho

Nah indeed

FancyShark in a White Suit

I don't think it's the one you're thinking of. But the dude was prolific

FancyShark in a White Suit

Gaze upon him

He's ready for some football

gellaho

What a weird thing to get caught up on

FancyShark in a White Suit

@gellaho , the description I found of the book is that it contains "fix-ups" of four of his short stories. Whether that means he mashed them all into one narrative or this is a short story collection remains to be seen.

Space Action Flippant Sausage

"Goddammit Cheryl, where is my cherry flavored smoking tobacco?"

gellaho

Too bad he didn't make it to his favorite year

FancyShark in a White Suit

"Cheryl, if that meatloaf has spinach in it, the commies have already won!"

gellaho

Although, if he did, he would have been checks notes old as fuck

Derpbat

Yeah! We shouldn't have capitalism! We should have post-capitalism!

What... what is that?

Space Action Flippant Sausage

Zoroastrian capitalism, its exactly the same as regular but with stars on its hat.

Derpbat

I love it.

@FancyShark in a White Suit

"Cheryl, if that meatloaf has spinach in it, the commies have already won!"

gellaho

Weird thing for this guy to say

Ozzie

I think they mean post- in the same way you'd use post-scarcity, but it read more like post-apocalypse.

gellaho

Reads more like parody

Derpbat

A lot of these authors did make it to 2000.

Like, Clark made it to 2008

and he was born... huh. Also in 1917.

Must have been a good year for science fiction authors?

gellaho

I guess Dallas should feel terrible then

Space Action Flippant Sausage

Imagine how disappointed some of these guys must have been with the actual year 2000.

FancyShark in a White Suit

Saving this one

Space Action Flippant Sausage

Not even ONE robot uprising.

Derpbat

Also, I think a lot of these guys probably expected the Soviets to win.

FancyShark in a White Suit

You can't rebel if the overlords are supporting you

Space Action Flippant Sausage

Well we all think we want something we really shouldn't sometimes.

Derpbat

Huh. A few scifi authors were born in 1917. I was joking.

Space Action Flippant Sausage

Then again maybe its six of one half a dozen of the other, historically speaking.

gellaho

Spoiler alert, maybe. But my man Mack's vision for this book is "People's Capitalism"

This fusion makes about as much sense as can be expected

Derpbat

I mean, he thinks Zoroastrianism is the worship of Zoroaster and also fancy stars.

I'm going to say he may just like how it sounds.

It does have a ring to it.

gellaho

Do you think that's what the star on the helmet is?

Derpbat

I choose to assume so, yes.

gellaho

You should check out a sheriff's badge sometime

Derpbat

I picture those in my mind as five points.

Space Action Flippant Sausage

NGL I know maybe three things about Zoroastrianism so I cant say for certain they arent into astrology.

Derpbat

Huh, apparently all this time I've been wrong.

Hurray!

FancyShark in a White Suit

I like that, according to the cover artist, police in the future have their uniforms made by their parents out of old laundry bags

Space Action Flippant Sausage

"Ahura Mazda favors you because Mercury is in retrograde!"

Derpbat

Wait, maybe I've been mandela effected.

gellaho

They are hideous aren't they?

It's really hard to tell that Tad Boleslaw is a hunk

Because he's supposed to be

Derpbat

Which one is he meant to be?

FancyShark in a White Suit

Gotta be the guy at the front

gellaho

Indeed

Derpbat

But he's the least hunky! (edited)

FancyShark in a White Suit

No action hero from a pulp scifi novel has facial hair

Space Action Flippant Sausage

With the occasional half tire and plenty of duct tape

Derpbat

I do see the logic in that.

The facial hair does indicate he dies like five minutes in.

Giving the lead character some much needed pathos.

gellaho

The pontoon police vehicle

FancyShark in a White Suit

Facial hair means "three days from retirement", "gruff but lovable commander", "homeless", or "evil", depending on style

gellaho

However that's supposed to work

FancyShark in a White Suit

I hope it's a hovercopter

gellaho

Coming up on the hour, it's Police Patrol: 2000 A.D. Get your gyro-jets ready for the preview.

FancyShark in a White Suit

<cue saxophone music>

gellaho

Your move, creep

Space Action Flippant Sausage

Who wants some future Zoroastrian bacon?

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

It's the helmets from starship troopers

Space Action Flippant Sausage

Excuse me, futurepast

FancyShark in a White Suit

"You kids quit being space cops and wash your hands! It's time for dinner!"

gellaho

Up until when?

Space Action Flippant Sausage

Life Alert really expanded their user base and functionality.

FancyShark in a White Suit

Yes, the best way to improve police is to make them patrol so far away they can't see anything happen until you're being murdered and call in

Space Action Flippant Sausage

In the futurepast you also have to be on the lookout for sky crime.

gellaho

Jim Kelly was a real uggo

FancyShark in a White Suit

Huge slam on Irish monkeys

Space Action Flippant Sausage

"Hey Tad, you still partnered with that Old World Monkey?"

Brexdan McMoran

ATTENTION CITIZENS: LAY DOWN YOUR BOOKS & PREPARE TO BE ARRESTED FOR THOUGHTCRIME

FancyShark in a White Suit

Women love men who are squarely handsome

gellaho

Oh, yeah, gimme that wide mouth

Manyxe, Snow Wizard

Oh wow. That is... What? Irish monkey, huh. Is that... Is that even racist?

Space Action Flippant Sausage

Kermit the frog in a Thor wig he was.

FancyShark in a White Suit

The author is saying that Tad is a lousy lover

Space Action Flippant Sausage

St. Padraig drove the monkeys out of Ireland, they dont talk about that in Catholic school.

Brexdan McMoran

Mack Boleslaw: The Gyro Jets-ecutioner

gellaho

"In addition to being hideous, Jim was also a moron"

FancyShark in a White Suit

Kelly often strung together random words

Space Action Flippant Sausage

"Stick up romp" oh cool we are getting futurepast slang.

Brexdan McMoran

Why do future cops always look like dorks?

FancyShark in a White Suit

Because they are written by dorks

gellaho

"Patrol, we have an APB on one funky customer, over"

Space Action Flippant Sausage

Most present cops look like dorks too.

FancyShark in a White Suit

For the same reason

Brexdan McMoran

Look, the force is stretched thin now that cities themselves have stories, like in...counts...four different sci-fi universes.

Manyxe, Snow Wizard

The hell are you talking about, having cop lights on helmets as well as the car itself is just fantastic.

Brexdan McMoran

Wait...let me think. Rai. Futurama. Coruscant. 2099. This one. What am I missing?

Space Action Flippant Sausage

"Funker ass crimos need a blasting, Tad."

FancyShark in a White Suit

Dredd? Or is he not a cop?

LyraV Galavador Dali Lama

Holy Zoroaster Batman!

Brexdan McMoran

Zoroastrian would be a cool state religion. Zoroastrians are dope.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

The one from Foundation?

gellaho

Brendan wants state mandated religion, got it

Space Action Flippant Sausage

Oh wait is "funker" implying they criminalized funk music?!

Brexdan McMoran

This is wild because these people use FUNK the way our primitive society says FUCK.

FancyShark in a White Suit

George Clinton hurt them

gellaho

You are some real drivel-happy funkers

Space Action Flippant Sausage

"YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN UNFUNKY! JIVE CAN AND WILL BE HELD AGAINST YOU IN A COURT OF LAW!"

Brexdan McMoran

NOOOO don't put words in my mouth, only if it's the "RIGHT" religion! (mine)

FancyShark in a White Suit

Nihilistic Funkers! The scourge of tomorrow!

Space Action Flippant Sausage

"Knees bent, arm out to one side" is a classic Sci fi cop shooting pose.

Brexdan McMoran

Suddenly a Screamer lurched out of the alley. Boleslaw pointed his weapon at Kelly. "Get in there, Kelly. Prove to me you have what it takes to survive in this force."

gellaho

"To reiterate, Jim Kelly is an ugly dumbass"

FancyShark in a White Suit

"He unnecessarily smelled the muzzle"

Brexdan McMoran

BALANCE

Space Action Flippant Sausage

"Kelly, you know that smelling the muzzle of a gun is absolutely not like smelling your fingers, right?"

FancyShark in a White Suit

"Hey, I can smell...JUSTICE"

gellaho

Real shade being thrown at these characters

FancyShark in a White Suit

"That will never catch on"

Brexdan McMoran

The boys on the force keep ribbing him about it, but Kelly doesn't mind his reputation as a muzzlesniffer.

FancyShark in a White Suit

"Pedostache" Boleslaw wondered if the guys at the precinct liked him

Space Action Flippant Sausage

unprepossessing AND a weak stache game, clearly a criminal.

Brexdan McMoran

"He could have stood to bloat up with ten pounds of fat."

FancyShark in a White Suit

oh dang, it's the criminal

Brexdan McMoran

Tad funking Boleslaw.

I can't funking believe it.

Space Action Flippant Sausage

You son of a barch.

Brexdan McMoran

🥬 🥣 🥚 🛢️

gellaho

"I'm too old to be called Buddy, but not too old to call myself a junior member of the PPT"

FancyShark in a White Suit

Getting too funking old for this shift

Manyxe, Snow Wizard

Kelly handling weapons: https://youtu.be/guyELrUR6Gw&t=35s

gellaho

Remember, Boleslaw is the hunk with the wide mouth

Space Action Flippant Sausage

"Buddy Brothers" made me snort so hard I can taste blood.

FancyShark in a White Suit

Ah thank you. That's right. The Aryan Enforcer.

"You're only a CAP precisely because you shot circles around the boys"

Space Action Flippant Sausage

And their police has like a Junior Police Club for middle aged gunmen. Cool.

Brexdan McMoran

In the future, we have dispensed with your so-called "ethnic names." All people are called by that which they love most, but with the first letter changed to a B.

gellaho

"I'm in Tabular Computating, Suburban Hewlett-Packard"

FancyShark in a White Suit

Swing shift means big dance numbers

LyraV Galavador Dali Lama

It's good to know the future cops are still dicks to people just walking home

John

Hey everyone, just getting caught up. Why does this guy keep repeating himself? "I'm a CAP. I'm in the City Auxiliary Police." "He was small. He needed 10 pounds." "He shouldn't have a mustache. He didn't have enough hair on his upper lip."

FancyShark in a White Suit

Hi, @John !

gellaho

Continue the Ugly Man Parade

Space Action Flippant Sausage

IBM exists in the futurepast, so something went wrong.

gellaho

Well, he did just saw a man in half with a gun

Brexdan McMoran

But don't immediately murder the wannabe cops standing over dead teens.

Strong Bimmerman vibes from this asshole.

FancyShark in a White Suit

Norman Schmidt, pride of the Futurepast Police

Brexdan McMoran

What year was this book written that Mack expected to have megacities in 2000?

gellaho

No crud, but technically technicalities

FancyShark in a White Suit

The 80s, I think

gellaho

1977

Manyxe, Snow Wizard

I mean China does have megacities.

FancyShark in a White Suit

Ah, I was close

Space Action Flippant Sausage

"By 2000 we wont have invented new slurs and stuff, and will have a more PG slang vibe."

Brexdan McMoran

Man, Mack's white ethnostate future really got behind schedule.

FancyShark in a White Suit

"You are welcome, diminutive citizen"

Derpbat

Look, they know it's not perfect but they're trying.

Brexdan McMoran

Boleslaw

BOLESLAW

LyraV Galavador Dali Lama

It's a relief to know I'm not the only one seeing Macho Man Randy Savage.

Brexdan McMoran

Okay, so APPARENTLY

gellaho

Also, keep in mind that Mack was a dirty commie

Space Action Flippant Sausage

Traditional name from the futurepast Irish.

Brexdan McMoran

Bow-leh-swav is a polish name: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boles%C5%82aw_I_the_Brave

FancyShark in a White Suit

Gaze upon him

Brexdan McMoran

Pipe for gravitas

gellaho

"Third generation in the police category," that's how people talk

FancyShark in a White Suit

Said it before, but he's ready for some football

Derpbat

Mack apparently had all sorts of problems, among which is that he was a communist. But I think his worst problem is that that's the picture he deliberately chose to represent himself.

Space Action Flippant Sausage

"CHERYL! Where are my goddamn sock garters!?"

Derpbat

Not just to his readers.

Brexdan McMoran

Mack, it was not three generations from when you wrote this and when it takes place.

Derpbat

But to everyone.

Brexdan McMoran

So now we have to assume the futurestate began in 1978, and an adult cop was placed in the police categry.

gellaho

What spins with you?

Brexdan McMoran

He looks like he just spotted the gunman.

FancyShark in a White Suit

The first generation police category

Derpbat

Have we gotten to the Zoroastrian stuff yet?

Space Action Flippant Sausage

I could really hate this made up slang.

FancyShark in a White Suit

Not yet

Brexdan McMoran

Baby, ALL of this book is Zoroastrian slang!

John

Police category, less than generously haired subsection.

Brexdan McMoran

The only zoroastrian I ever met was Australian, I'm surprised you don't know this.

Space Action Flippant Sausage

So far just an invocation of Zoroaster as an exclamation.

Derpbat

I wish I could decide if I know enough to know that's true or not true.

gellaho

Don't expect anything more than that

FancyShark in a White Suit

Mack could write dialogue that would make the narc in a PSA say "Jesus, you're white"

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

This slang is easier to understand from context than a clockwork orange, but somehow more irritating.

Brexdan McMoran

Don't you all just "splung another prawn on the barbie category" whenever you want to praise the not-evil lucifer?

FancyShark in a White Suit

It's more square

LyraV Galavador Dali Lama

I can't wait to see James Acaster dressed as Zorro.

gellaho

Central City, Asian-War, I refuse to be specific about anything

FancyShark in a White Suit

All of Asia. At once.

Derpbat

Yes, but we stopped praising Ahura Mazda after most of us got converted to Islam when we realized our Emperors had deliberately destroyed the infrastructure our civilization depended on out of spite.

Brexdan McMoran

wait is it...the Asian War hero or the Asian war hero?

that hyphen solves nothing.

Derpbat

That hyphen confuses and upsets me.

FancyShark in a White Suit

Trick question. There were no heroes

gellaho

His name is Charles Brothers

FancyShark in a White Suit

Vacuum-transport?

Manyxe, Snow Wizard

Kinda disappointed they still make pipes outta briarwood and not space lumber.

Derpbat

I assume just by how incredibly white this book is that he means the former, but

Oh.

gellaho

I think you can figure out his ehtnicity

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Brothers was in a land war in Asia, one of the classic blunders.

Brexdan McMoran

Angra is the lucifer, Ahura is the YHWH

Manyxe, Snow Wizard

It's that tube thing Elon Musk claims to have imvented.

Derpbat

Man, that sucks as a war hero name.

Even by real life standards.

I expect my fictional war hero names to be at least 3% cooler.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

The police being suspicious of anyone not in a car tracks, at least.

Space Action Flippant Sausage

"Whats this guy doing WALKING like a CRIMINAL when he could ride public transportation with the chronic masturbators?!"

Brexdan McMoran

I assume nothing! A great many GI categories came home with Asian-love wives after the Siam Invasion of 1979.

gellaho

Those funkers always looking for some flogging

FancyShark in a White Suit

Did Mack try to think up a veteran's name and stop at "Charlie"?

LyraV Galavador Dali Lama

lardy shoulders

Derpbat

Fix of trank is adorable.

Brexdan McMoran

Oh God, what if he is Vietnamese and Charlie IS Mack's name for an Asian person?

Fatamatician: The Curator

This place is full of Young Funkers

Derpbat

I want a fix of trank.

LyraV Galavador Dali Lama

It sounds like another character name, this was Detective Lardy Shoulders who had too much hair and sucked also.

Brexdan McMoran

Hey, you can't make up everything except the drugs.

Space Action Flippant Sausage

I love when they make soma a street name for a drug, its so literate and proves nobody who wrote it did drugs.

FancyShark in a White Suit

This sounds too plausible. We need to stop Mack.

Brexdan McMoran

I say let the hyperviolent felons take all the tranqs and soma they want.

gellaho

I have several questions about how you can fit a jet and rockets into a pistol, but sure

Derpbat

We all know how people use heavy duty tranquilizers to get high.

Brexdan McMoran

Gyro jet rocket pistol

Space Action Flippant Sausage

"I arrested this punk, he had a vial of soma, a gram of ambrosia, and a litre of the mead of poetry!"

FancyShark in a White Suit

It's a very unwieldy gun

LyraV Galavador Dali Lama

Too much funking flogging going on.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

'prepatory to leaving' is such an odd phrase.

Brexdan McMoran

that's too many things!

Derpbat

Jim Kelly.

I know that name.

That sounds so familiar to me.

Brexdan McMoran

It's a weapon AND a means of transport AND a sandwich

Space Action Flippant Sausage

Oh cool, gyro jet weapons used to be really popular in sci fi.

Fatamatician: The Curator

The Black Samurai

Space Action Flippant Sausage

Its like a gun that fires rockets but lamer than a 40k bolter.

Derpbat

Yeah, that was it.

Brexdan McMoran

Well it looks like I'm the asshole: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gyrojet

FancyShark in a White Suit

I was just picturing a gun with tiny rockets that fire to drive the hammer of the firing mechanism

Derpbat

Gyro guns: When your bullets need to cost more than your rifle.

Space Action Flippant Sausage

Huh I had no idea they were real.

Fatamatician: The Curator

Tad "Coal" Boleslaw