Brexdan McMoran
AHHHH SCOOPED
67: Police Patrol: 2000 A.D. Mack Reynolds
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Derpbat
Fight the power! By not actually doing any harm!
Brexdan McMoran
I was laughing too much to write it. I can't believe how awesome Rex Moran is.
FancyShark in a White Suit
"It's cured!"
Derpbat
Mack is a literary genius.
FancyShark in a White Suit
Derpbat
I love this character.
Manyxe, Snow Wizard
He's not happy, but he'll still cum.
Space Action Flippant Sausage
"CHERYL! I wrote the word "Erect"! Does that do it for you?"
Derpbat
In a just world, Rex Moran would be the star of a series of made for TV movies.
FancyShark in a White Suit
This is one of the best episodes of Columbo
Brexdan McMoran
Rex Moran is the most I have ever loved a book party character
gellaho
Better not leave any evidence. But, I will steal this extremely secure card
Brexdan McMoran
He cannot fail. He is God's beloved idiot.
gellaho
That couldn't possibly get back to me
Brexdan McMoran
I am losing it.
Derpbat
Oh my God I can't stop laughing
gellaho
You young cloddy
Space Action Flippant Sausage
Ohhh so this is what "failing upwards" looks like in real time.
FancyShark in a White Suit
We're going to find out the cops have been watching this the whole time from the next room
Brexdan McMoran
Rex's real target is THE SYSTEM
Space Action Flippant Sausage
"Angra Mainyu's black balls, you daring rascal! You shan't evade justice!"
gellaho
I wonder what this call could be about
LyraV Galavador Dali Lama
Don't be shoddy you young cloddy.
Space Action Flippant Sausage
"helio-jet"
Manyxe, Snow Wizard
Cloddy has to be a Scots insult.
Space Action Flippant Sausage
POWERED BY HELIOS HIMSELF!
Derpbat
I like how only now does Mack remember his original plan for where the characters were.
Manyxe, Snow Wizard
I am now reading all of this in a Scottish accent.
Derpbat
And when they worked.
Brexdan McMoran
What a cloddy.
FancyShark in a White Suit
"Oh no. The sergeant sounds troubled. We should stop and get them an ice cream cake."
Derpbat
And he is utterly unwilling to go back and edit.
Brexdan McMoran
Oh God, Rex you absolute legend.
gellaho
Those mining engineers, and their vast thousands of dollars
Brexdan McMoran
He stole from the government.
Derpbat
Rex I love you
Brexdan McMoran
This is like what you do if you get a terminal illness.
LyraV Galavador Dali Lama
The straight dope indeed.
Derpbat
I really hope Mack realizes that Rex is now the actual hero of his book.
Manyxe, Snow Wizard
Wait this implies he's gonna kill him.
FancyShark in a White Suit
Mining engineers really do live in the lap of luxury
gellaho
"Yeah, I want these elevators to go fast enough to injure the elderly"
Manyxe, Snow Wizard
I mean, Errol Musk was a mining engineer.
Derpbat
Mining engineers assembled the complex system of incredibly ridiculous vacuum tubes that underpin their entire civilization.
I'm pretty sure this makes them Gods.
FancyShark in a White Suit
And now he's dead
gellaho
And he's doing this because he was woken up by his alarm
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
anyone can just say it's a police matter and get the elevator to crush them to the floor
FancyShark in a White Suit
Okay, now Rex is my hero too
He's going full Postal because of his alarm
Derpbat
One of us! One of us! One of us!
Manyxe, Snow Wizard
Oh were it only so.
FancyShark in a White Suit
He's dead to me and that's enough
gellaho
The year 2000, by way of 1850
FancyShark in a White Suit
Again, "escape sanctum" doesn't work
Derpbat
Did the concept of an 'escape sanctum' ever get explained?
FancyShark in a White Suit
I think it's a panic room?
Space Action Flippant Sausage
It's a panic room fit for someone who is too rich to panic.
Derpbat
That relies on a sense of the word escape that no one has used in centuries.
Which makes it absolutely perfect here.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
peasants build panic rooms, mining engineers build escape sanctums.
gellaho
And now I want to know what senator decided we needed to pluralize
Derpbat
Maybe in the Asian war we conquered the rest of the western hemisphere?
FancyShark in a White Suit
I think that means South America has been assimilated
Derpbat
Sorry, sorry.
The Asian-war.
Space Action Flippant Sausage
I assume it also launches out of the building as a rocket powered egg if T.A.D. launches are detected.
FancyShark in a White Suit
He lost a cleaning lady that way
Derpbat
This just means I'm disappointed that Rex didn't decide that was how he was going to cover his tracks.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
after the asian-war, asia is now East America.
Derpbat
"I'm leaving. By the way, PROTOCOL 54-TANGO-5! ESCAPE ROOM, ENGAGE!"
FancyShark in a White Suit
"LEAVE NO EVIDENCE!"
Derpbat
The police turn up, and Vassilis is in low earth orbit.
gellaho
Rex Moran: criminal genius
FancyShark in a White Suit
"Better call the Fire Department to get him down."
Derpbat
Oh, Rex.
I love you.
You stupid, stupid, stupid man.
Brexdan McMoran
By this guy.
Derpbat
The... police realize that that doesn't stop him using the gun, right?
FancyShark in a White Suit
Why would he use a gun? He has money!
gellaho
"The easily traceable criminal seemed very intelligent"
Manyxe, Snow Wizard
Honestly, so far he's just not bothering with too much elaborate planning because it seems like it's not at all necessary. Because these cops are just... useless.
Derpbat
I assume because guns are the funkiest things around.
But all he needs to do is fire the gun, and then throw it out, or just... put it down.
And then it doesn't matter if they can trace him.
Brexdan McMoran
Money is the rich man's gun.
FancyShark in a White Suit
"He seemed like he had a good education when he stole my money"
Derpbat
This is a bad plan.
I return to my previous statement that I think Rex Moran is the hero of this novel.
gellaho
"Old duffer" meaning "pervert"
Derpbat
And Boleslaw and the Irish guy are the incompetent cartoon villains.
Manyxe, Snow Wizard
But it doesn't look like he needs a good one.
Space Action Flippant Sausage
I love how the cops are already baffled by this crime.
Derpbat
I meant the police plan.
Manyxe, Snow Wizard
Oh right, sorry.
Derpbat
Rex Moran doesn't need any plan.
FancyShark in a White Suit
Oh my god, Rex is Harold Howard and he's in Future Mayberry
Derpbat
If they catch him, it will be entirely by deus ex machina at this point.
gellaho
Rex slowly walks away
Brexdan McMoran
Rex Moran is going to use the gun to implicate someone else and then fake his death. He is a criminal genius. A Fantomas of Stupidworld.
Derpbat
I can't wait to see Mack write his way out of this one.
FancyShark in a White Suit
Wipe down your prints? Nah, Rex Moran doesn't leave prints
Brexdan McMoran
This may be the bestbook we've ever done.
Derpbat
The police didn't even think to look for prints.
Space Action Flippant Sausage
The only trail he leaves is the furrows left by his massive brass balls.
gellaho
Trying to sell a brand new piece of jewelry at the pawn shop
FancyShark in a White Suit
This is easily the most hotdog book
Derpbat
They're relying on the tracking system that is what allowed this incredibly ridiculous crime to happen in the first place.
Manyxe, Snow Wizard
Modern setting? Sure.
FancyShark in a White Suit
The moral is going to be "nothing takes the place of good old fashioned police work"
And "guns"
gellaho
"You know, not Uncommon or Rare Europe."
Derpbat
The most hot dog moral of all.
So, we have the United States of the Americas, CommonEurope, and 'Asia'.
FancyShark in a White Suit
hahaha, he called Paris "common". Suck it, French
Derpbat
Just... 'Asia'.
Space Action Flippant Sausage
"The americas" implies that by 2000s we've annexed South America as well.
Manyxe, Snow Wizard
So it's basically 1984's three continent system.
gellaho
I can't believe the pawn shop didn't give me the MSRP for this
Space Action Flippant Sausage
Which.........fair. We more or less own it anyway.
Derpbat
Hang on, it worked?
Oh my god, it worked.
FancyShark in a White Suit
"No, shut up. I'm Mack and I have original ideas!"
Derpbat
@Brexdan McMoran I LOVE THIS MAN.
Derpbat
I mean, he had at least one.
Brexdan McMoran
But Brave New World's drug market.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
And Starship Troopers helmets.
Space Action Flippant Sausage
"Goddammit man do you not realize that when I held an old man at gunpoint for this ring it cost him nearly two thousand futurepastbucks?!" he argues with the unwilling fence.
Derpbat
There is absolutely no way this should have worked. Rex Moran is Ivan the fooling his way through this world.
gellaho
And here's Tad
Derpbat
"Yes, you just missed him, I gave him two hundred dollars, and I realize I should have asked more questions."
Space Action Flippant Sausage
"Attempt? Noooooooooo.........."
Derpbat
"So many more questions."
FancyShark in a White Suit
"He wasn't stupid. They were police."
Those thoughts have nothing to do with each other
Derpbat
At least one of them is a lie, too.
Manyxe, Snow Wizard
The conversation goes: "Where is this from?" "Not-America." "So it can't be traced in America?" "Uhh... Definitely not." "Then I will absolutetly not verify your claim, kind stranger with incredibly suspect jewellery."
Space Action Flippant Sausage
"No.........and certainly not this ring in my hand."
Derpbat
Also, maybe you shouldn't make it possible for people to just immediately get diamonds for 2000 dollars just by pressing a few buttons on a video screen.
FancyShark in a White Suit
Rex is over in the corner looking at watches
gellaho
"He was breathing heavily and selling an obviously stolen ring. Like a gentleman"
gellaho
Derpbat
Maybe that's not a great setup for your economy.
Wait.
FancyShark in a White Suit
"A gentleman who desperately needed to pawn something"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Good thing these electronic transfers aren't recorded anywhere
Derpbat
You buy... you buy diamond jewelry without even checking an id?
gellaho
I'm sure Rex is going to be fine
Space Action Flippant Sausage
"It's almost like you pigs don't appreciate the value of anonymous transactions!"
Derpbat
...wait, but he has universal credit card of Vasilis.
Also, a gun.
FancyShark in a White Suit
I love that Mack set up this entire future society just to show why it can't work
Space Action Flippant Sausage
Rex Moran, one step ahead of the law!
Manyxe, Snow Wizard
...oh shit, do you think he put the 300 on Vasillis' card?
Derpbat
I'm pretty sure that those are the only two things a reasonably bright border collie would need to escape this.
gellaho
A job well done. Time to eat
FancyShark in a White Suit
This is turning into the Bingo of bookreads
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
all pseudo-dollar transactions are recorded on the bricklink.
gellaho
Sea-booze
Derpbat
I am actually assuming that by now Mack has realized he fucked this up and he's desperately looking for ways to save the society he invented.
Space Action Flippant Sausage
sea-booze is just fermented krill juice.
With extra plankton.
FancyShark in a White Suit
I tried to blow myself to a good repast at a cafeteria once. Now I have to inform people door to door
Brexdan McMoran
He looked like his fortune was obtained immorally; I thought him a gentleman of the upper crust.
Derpbat
Just desperately throwing ideas at the wall because he's a smart futurist and he should be able to come up with why everything he just invented is falling apart the moment he tries to use it in a story.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
did mack learn anything about Zoroastrianism besides the name?
Derpbat
No.
I asked.
FancyShark in a White Suit
Nope
Space Action Flippant Sausage
Obviously not.
gellaho
Can't a man just enjoy his stolen sea insects in peace?
Derpbat
I think they're right and he just thought Zoroaster was a futuristic sounding name.
Space Action Flippant Sausage
Mack appears to belive Zoroastrians worship Zoroaster.
Brexdan McMoran
Underrated.
Derpbat
Which is true, but he didn't learn enough to know that it's even cooler when you actually use his actual name. Which is Zarathustra.
Derpbat
Oh, hey, they caught him.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
speaking of chicken and sea booze, I'm gonna go get beer and tacos, brb.
Derpbat
Kind of.
FancyShark in a White Suit
hahahahaha
Derpbat
...wait, they're not in the room, are they.
LyraV Galavador Dali Lama
Rex don't answer to anyone while he feasts.
Derpbat
They used.
FancyShark in a White Suit
His response to "you're under arrest" is "go away"
Derpbat
I love him so much.
And these are the worst cops in fiction.
Space Action Flippant Sausage
"REX MORAN! WE KNOW YOU EXIST! TURN YOURSELF IN!"
gellaho
"I can't believe they were able to check all three pawn shops in walking distance so quickly!"
Derpbat
Just. They are the least good at their jobs possible.
Their next step will be to help him rob a hot dog vendor.
gellaho
They found him almost immediately, but sure
FancyShark in a White Suit
What foul luck indeed
Brexdan McMoran
I hate that the parts of this Mack gets right are all the dystopian bits.
Space Action Flippant Sausage
Who could possibly have guessed that the old man would call the cops immediately!?
Manyxe, Snow Wizard
Wait, Rex Moran isn't actually a criminal genius?
Derpbat
I mean, they didn't find him. They called him on his watch and told the armed criminal to hand himself in. I'm pretty sure that the good cops would have turned up to arrest him.
Manyxe, Snow Wizard
I am heartbroken.
Brexdan McMoran
Like they have a low-emissions version of prime that's a public utility, but beef is no longer viable.
Brexdan McMoran
Maybe he was counting on old people being unable to use technology.
FancyShark in a White Suit
Safe gamble
Derpbat
I admire their incredibly strong respect for the concept of personal rights and civic responsibility, but there's a reason there's more to police work than just yelling into a bullhorn the name of criminals and telling them to go home.
Brexdan McMoran
Vassilis calls the cops but holds the phone under his chin so they can't see or understand him.
gellaho
It's been like a half hour, my man
FancyShark in a White Suit
Rex has been living large
Space Action Flippant Sausage
Everyone in this book talks like a 1920s posh goober as well.
Derpbat
He's been very busy in half an hour, but alright.
I'm sure Boleslaw and the monkey will turn me around.
gellaho
It's certainly falling apart for Rex Moran
Derpbat
What.
gellaho
He walked to the nearest pawn shop and then went to eat
Space Action Flippant Sausage
Jesus "CRIMES AGAINST THE GOVERNMENT!"
FancyShark in a White Suit
hahahahahaha
Derpbat
That escalated quickly.
FancyShark in a White Suit
"I've got some scars since that pic was taken. I'm safe."
Brexdan McMoran
He has a gun, so you guys rush him.
Brexdan McMoran
DIDN'T I SAY
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
You don't get to play the victim here, americas.
Brexdan McMoran
You do not touch Uncle Sam's wallet.
gellaho
People's Capitalism
Derpbat
THE CRIMINAL IS ARMED AND DANGEROUS. EVERYONE IS EXPECTED TO ASSIST IN BRINGING HIM IN BY ORDERING THEIR OWN FIREARMS TO THEIR HOMES AND FIRING AT HIM WHEN YOU SEE HIM.
Space Action Flippant Sausage
God hearing "Peoples Capitalism" makes my nuts retreat into my body.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I like the idea that the police can turn any manhunt into a Running Man
Derpbat
It has its charms.
Brexdan McMoran
I wish you knew how funny it is that this isn't a joke in America.
Space Action Flippant Sausage
"All citizens are reminded that firing wildly into crowds is not only their right but their civic duty!"
gellaho
Chum-pal tummy
Derpbat
I like the idea that they've got so little crime in the future that the moment there is even a single bit of crime in this world, the entire force of the state comes in to clamp down on it
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The People's Capitalism is what The Rock changed his finishing move to during his heel turn
FancyShark in a White Suit
I'm worried. I read that this book allowed Mack to "fix up" four of his short stories. Which means there's a chance Rex's journey is going to end very soon and we're going to follow some new criminal
Space Action Flippant Sausage
"Golly gee whiz, you're that bad guy on the screen!"
Brexdan McMoran
Chump...uh, chum-pal.
Derpbat
Right up until I remember that in the beginning of this book apparently there's literal mugging gangs on the street.
Just roaming around needing to be killed by wandering passersby.
LyraV Galavador Dali Lama
Get that gun off my tummy!
Brexdan McMoran
But also every single subway stop has a passel of revolver-armed muggers.
Derpbat
Mack, buddy, did you let an editor read through this?
gellaho
Stealing a car is complicated
gellaho
FancyShark in a White Suit
"Editors are thieves!"
gellaho
I feel like you guys should be used to this by now
They are never edited
Derpbat
Look, everyone knows Statler and Waldorf are going to hate the show, too.
They still show them in the box.
Brexdan McMoran
In paleo2000, a gun to the tummy is called a "You'mdone!" because Scottish and Welsh colonization affected everything in The United Americas
FancyShark in a White Suit
"Maximum speed"
He's then injected with all the drugs
Space Action Flippant Sausage
It's nice he didnt jack that guys credit card. Rex Moran is a man of the people.
Brexdan McMoran
But I don't expect you cloddies to know that.
LyraV Galavador Dali Lama
Don't ever say Rex Moran isn't the funkest dude in town.
Derpbat
There is so much interesting about this world that if this was a show I'd want to see the bible.
Brexdan McMoran
He only sticks it to the man.
Absolute legend.
Derpbat
But it's not, so I suspect that most of what's interesting about this world is that Mack forgets things and then writes them in five minutes later.
Brexdan McMoran
The phrase is overused, but I deliberately choose it here: Rex Moran is the funking best.
gellaho
Well, it's been an hour. Time to clock out
Space Action Flippant Sausage
He's the Robin Hood of the futurepast.
Brexdan McMoran
Stage 2 of Rex's plan is to use the money to buy soma-trank slowballs and shoot them at both of this world's cops in a gyrojet rocket dart
Derpbat
Like, let's give Mack credit here. He came up with a fairly realistic implementation of the UBI.
He came up with Rex Moran.
Brexdan McMoran
With america unprotected, he then introduces himself at the White House gates as The Vice President.
Derpbat
He learned how to properly spell Tadeusz.
I'm sure there's more I can give him credit for.
gellaho
Are you jazzing me?
Brexdan McMoran
On jest Police Category.
Derpbat
His evil plan is, as Vice President, he's going to kill the President.
And thus become the President.
Space Action Flippant Sausage
"No, sir. We are ska-ing you."
FancyShark in a White Suit
RICHAAAARRRRRDD!
Brexdan McMoran
The bastard! Then he'll rule Asiamericas
Derpbat
AND ONLY BOLESLAW AND THE MONKEY CAN STOP HIM.
gellaho
Gotta wonder who's applying for a mobile home in this system
Derpbat
So, the police in the pseudo-cities of The United States of the Americas will, in the middle of pursuing an armed and dangerous criminal, clock out and just give the next shift their notes? It's not entirely unreasonable, I guess, but
gellaho
It also doesn't square up with the fact that every character so far lives in a "mini-apartment"
Derpbat
My dudes, you were kind of pursuing an armed and dangerous criminal.
Wait. 'mobile towns'.
Space Action Flippant Sausage
Lol, lmao. Mack thinks America would be out of the grip of the military-industrial complex by 2000.
FancyShark in a White Suit
Second Shift's problem now
Derpbat
I choose to assume that the towns are literally mobile.
The USA devoted its former defense budget to breeding giant turtles.
And now everyone lives on them.