71: THE NEW AToms' BOMBSHELL Robert Browne

gellaho

The Book Cage - Episode 71: THE NEW AToms' BOMBSHELL

Baseball is here again, and this time we are travelling to the far off year of 2002. How did baseball look 20 years ago? In 1980, it seemed ridiculous that the Chicago Cubs would not have won a World Series. Hilariously, it wouldn't happen in real life until 2016. Nevertheless, in this reality, all Chicago baseball coalesced into one team with a very stupid name, and very full of losers. This stories is told very strangely, with a protagonist who never knows what's going on, and who has to keep his identity secret for...reasons. Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern, as we read a baseball book written by a man who had to ask an umpire what the rules to baseball are.

gellaho

gellaho

It's a weird Willy Wonka meets baseball...thing

FlippMatt Sausage

should be awesome because I also do not know what the rules of baseball are.

gellaho

Neither does Robert Browne. He also doesn't understand the world at large based on some of the nonsense in there

Neither did the cover artist, who completely missed that second base is right behind the pitcher

Juho, Definitely a Cultist

Wait if there's one team, who do they play?

gellaho

Should say all baseball in Chicago

Juho, Definitely a Cultist

Oh okay.

gellaho

Just checked, that's also wrong. I guess the two Chicago teams folded, and then two other teams combined and moved to Chicago

More complicated than it needs to be, which is a good indicator of this book's whole deal

FlippMatt Sausage

"Oh God! Mr. President! There's a dire situation in Chicago! They are RUNNING OUT OF BASEBALL!"

In this dystopian future the President of Mexamericanada and the Lunar Republics is also the President of Baseball.

FancyShark

"General, prep Air Force One. You're going to take me out to the ballgame."

Juho, Definitely a Cultist

So now that's stuck in my head.

public jakesy no. 1

Unfortunately that umpire he asked was Angel Hernandez

Can't wait to yell Moneyball quotes into the void on Friday

gellaho

Coming up at the start of the next hour, the first pitch will be thrown in the windy city. Right now, let's here it for the starting lineup of your Chicago AToms!

Juho, Definitely a Cultist

Lead batter? Is that a thing?

FancyShark

So wacky!

gellaho

It's the first batter. The lead-off hitter

This book was manufactured weird, it has layers like sedentary rock

FancyShark

, maaaaaaan

gellaho

Crazy ... but baseball!

FancyShark

I think I need to sit down after hearing THAT premise!

FancyShark

Who's ready for baseball?

gellaho

FlippMatt Sausage

Futurepast baseball!

FancyShark

He forgot the "I'm Sorry"

island fox Djonin

Besböl

Dolphin cop Thrillho

In Spanish it's beisbol

FancyShark

To this ball of bases, we salute you

FlippMatt Sausage

YOu know who liked baseball? CASTRO!

island fox Djonin

Haha really? That's rad

gellaho

That's what you want from your baseball writer, a lack of familiarity

island fox Djonin

ベースボール

FancyShark

Certain rules like "runs" and "bat"

FlippMatt Sausage

"Basubaru"

Juho, Definitely a Cultist

You mean ¡¡¡¡¡beisbOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!

island fox Djonin

Besubōru

Juho, Definitely a Cultist

Rude! We don't use that kind of language to describe women or squid anymore!

gellaho

Time to travel all the way forward to 2002

gellaho

We begin our baseball journey in a college cemetery

FlippMatt Sausage

"I AM BESBALLIUS! I COME FROM THE FIFTH DIMENSION, A DIMENSION OF PURE SPORT! BRING ME YOUR FEEBLE BASEBALL CHAMPIONS SO THAT I MAY CRUSH THEM!"

Juho, Definitely a Cultist

Mummy bandages and space helmets, huh. Futuristic.

Gentleman Brendan

hahaha they called this Vector Analysis

FlippMatt Sausage

"Free burial" is not the benefit the chairman thinks it is.

FancyShark

Man, imaging being buried at work. That's only a step or two above getting mulched

Rat Soup Eating GDC

If the cemetery is university owned isn't it part of the campus?

Gentleman Brendan

You ever feel just consuming this much culture you could go back to the 1970s and take over all of entertainment?

Juho, Definitely a Cultist

It is in this economy.

Gentleman Brendan

A STRONG START.

gellaho

Let me tell you, this goes on for a while, and does not matter

Gentleman Brendan

My campus had a jesuit graveyard

they had to replace all the tombstones in the future year of 2002 because my drunk shithead classmates kept knocking them over.

FancyShark

Not enough books start with a graveyard and a grassy knoll

LyraV

Fuck yeah, that sounds dope, the graveyard not the destruction

gellaho

This is a book about baseball

Gentleman Brendan

So few knolls are ungrassy these days.

FlippMatt Sausage

Sweaty graveyard! It really brings in the kids.

island fox Djonin

Baseball, more like Spaceball

FlippMatt Sausage

"Your credits wont transfer but we have a sweaty graveyard."

Gentleman Brendan

Dying untenured at 49 without ever experiencing the joys of Atomic Baseball: what a tragic loser.

LyraV

I genuinely enjoy graveyards, they're quiet and I'm reformed goth.

Gentleman Brendan

I like graveyards because they're rare green space in this city and everybody cool is buried there.

gellaho

The nostalgia of college graveyard baseball

FlippMatt Sausage

"Cynicism? AT MY PRIVATE UNIVERSITY? POPPYCOCK AND BALDERDASH!"

LyraV

Get out of my sunfield you rapscallions!

FlippMatt Sausage

The fuck is Work Up?

FancyShark

It's that fun new 2002 game

Rat Soup Eating GDC

He needs to sun himself like a lizard, I guess.

FlippMatt Sausage

Are these kids the Bad News Bears of Work Up?

gellaho

The funny thing is that the was written in 1980

FlippMatt Sausage

Are we or are we not getting a Great Hambino appearance?

LyraV

It's played on a Rhombus so you know it's good.

gellaho

Interrupted by BEEF

Juho, Definitely a Cultist

"A critical voice? In academia?" Spits out his Pim's cup

FlippMatt Sausage

Matt sounds like a wuss, being talked to is like getting punched?

LyraV

If someone hits you like a punch in the lower back, avoid them.

FancyShark

This graveyard is lively

Rat Soup Eating GDC

Conan got the jump on Matt there

Gentleman Brendan

Sliding to your death on a tombstone is...not irony, but like it feels irony has moved on from there.

gellaho

BEEF insults nerdy professor

FlippMatt Sausage

"YOU LOOK LIKE A FLABBY BITCH, BROTHER! HULKSTER GONNA BANG YOUR WIFE!

FancyShark

Church league softball. Because what better way to make your child spend the afternoon doing something they don't want to do than to combine two things that already bore them

gellaho

Knocked him right into desecration

FlippMatt Sausage

Because I've decided 2002 Hulk Hogan is in this scene.

FancyShark

Meanwhile, there's a family that's certain the Arby's bag they have on the mantle is their grandmother's ashes

LyraV

I'm seeing the Dean from China, IL

Gentleman Brendan

I'm so confused. The owner of the AToms is hanging out in a baseball cemetery on a campus?

FlippMatt Sausage

"DAMN RIGHT I OWN THE ATOMS BROTHER! NOW GRAB A STICK AND STEP INTO THE SQUARED.......DIAMOND........RHOMBUS. WHATEVER!"

gellaho

Nobody cares about her, she didn't have tenure

The thriving newspapers of the future

FlippMatt Sausage

And then there was the time he choked out the dude from Law and Order.

FancyShark

THE Chicago News?

My god, this author knows their shit

gellaho

Visiting some grave. Don't worry about whose

Rat Soup Eating GDC

Lots of slow news days in the chicago of future past

FancyShark

Matt Paradise is definitely a professor and not a softcore porn character

Juho, Definitely a Cultist

Oh man, I've bought so many papers for the sports columnists rehashing the same debate over and over.

FancyShark

"The actual Senators, not a team"

gellaho

Fuck those kids and their tuition, baseball!

LyraV

I've got CANDY

FlippMatt Sausage

"Ah what the hell, I have tenure."

Gentleman Brendan

The hero resists the call of beef

FlippMatt Sausage

OH GOD MATT IS BESBALLIUS!

gellaho

Then: steroids saved the day!

FancyShark

Nothing good starts with "it'll just take a few hours"

FlippMatt Sausage

He goes back in time after attaining the Heroes Apotheosis!

Juho, Definitely a Cultist

Except maybe building a deck.

gellaho

The dying sport of baseball

FancyShark

And that gimmick? Running Man

FlippMatt Sausage

"BASEBALL NEEDS A GIMMICK BROTHER! LIKE STORYLINES AND HEEL TURNS!"

LyraV

Shrinking people down and putting them inside the baseballs!

FlippMatt Sausage

"A MOTHERFUCKER WITH A BIG SNAKE!"

Juho, Definitely a Cultist

Sports gimmicks, always the right answer. That's why bikini football is such a big league.

gellaho

Remember: Manhattan Stadium is in Chicago. It'll come up

FancyShark

This gimmick better involve Dom Deluise in a sidecar

Juho, Definitely a Cultist

I mean, the Jazz play in Utah.

Gentleman Brendan

At least they got the asshole owners part right.

FancyShark

Some things are timeless

Gentleman Brendan

The LFL is WAY better football than the NFL. I will die on this hill.

Like I wish they had regular uniforms so I didn't have to qualify why I love the LFL.

gellaho

Established by the merger of two teams, but not the Chicago Cubs and White Sox

gellaho

That would make too much sense

Gentleman Brendan

I have interviewed SO MANY LFL players and they all fucking rock.

They make no money, they're just in it for the bloodlust.

gellaho

Also: naming team after yourself

FlippMatt Sausage

"IF THERES ONE THING THE HULKSTER LOVES, ITS NUCLEAR BOMBS BROTHER!"

Juho, Definitely a Cultist

I mean, are you ashamed of saying "and sure, I also like titties"?

Gentleman Brendan

That's a crap name, Tom. You could have called them the A-Tom Bombs.

FancyShark

Because if Chicago wants to be remembered for one thing, it's multiple instances of people dying in flames

gellaho

Presenting: metaphors

Gentleman Brendan

I ran Man Cave Daily for four years. I have zero to prove on my tittability

FlippMatt Sausage

"It was almost like nobody gave a shit about baseball anymore."

gellaho

Atom bumbs and orgasmic splendor

FancyShark

"No one cared about baseball" insinuates the author who had to get help to learn how baseball works

FlippMatt Sausage

Ew please dont call it an orgasm.

Mr. Author.

Juho, Definitely a Cultist

Horniness levels rising steadily.

gellaho

But again, not affiliated with the White Sox

FancyShark

If someone has an orgasm at a baseball game, it's 100% because of something that will later be explained to a judge

FlippMatt Sausage

WHITE WITH CUM! From the orgasm.

gellaho

But a baseball argument sold newspapers

So who knows

This fact is going to make the events of this book make no sense

FancyShark

Manhattan Stadium: Just Drenched in the Orgasms of Baseball

FlippMatt Sausage

This isnt a very realistic representation of Chicago because nobody has mentioned Chicago style pizza yet.

FancyShark

Or hot dogs

FlippMatt Sausage

Or crime.

Those are how you identify a Chicago native.

gellaho

I mean, football literally moves horizontally but whatever

Juho, Definitely a Cultist

Or how it's superior to NY pizza.

FancyShark

oh god, he's going to explain baseball

Gentleman Brendan

It was always right there in the name. We just didn't know how stiff those socks were.

LyraV

Tennis is like a vinegar baking soda volcano.

FlippMatt Sausage

The Red Sox have a serious health condition but nobody cares about them.

Gentleman Brendan

I thought crime was how everyone outside chicago who watched too much fox identified it.

FancyShark

That too

It's very versatile!

Gentleman Brendan

This is patently wrong.

Not you, him.

FlippMatt Sausage

If its got a braggy tone, its a native, if its horrified and a little racist, that's Fox News.

gellaho

The flowery metaphor really adds to the next sentence

Juho, Definitely a Cultist

Basketball proceeds in an exothermic spontaneous reaction with a catalytic converter.

Gentleman Brendan

Turn-based sports are the least gripping sports.

FancyShark

Also if it's sort of apologetic, resigned, and/or specifies the areas that are safe without getting racist, it's a native

Gentleman Brendan

Football's over there not even speaking baseball's name.

gellaho

Come, see the unstable owner

Gentleman Brendan

Hockey proceeds in a cold fusion

This is like the Ayn Rand of sci-fi baseball.

FancyShark

And bowling's just happy to be there

Gentleman Brendan

Actually in 2002 all bowling became self-hypnosis based.

FlippMatt Sausage

So far this author is waxing very poetic about a sport they arent familiar with.

FancyShark

hahaha, how quickly I forget

gellaho

Spiritualist

FancyShark

He's trying to impress a sporty girl

FlippMatt Sausage

He's getting that old time religion, by which i mean he's shrieking death threats and looking for something to throw.

FancyShark

Weaving and bobbing seem more like boxing maneuvers, but who am I to judge?

LyraV

Crooning is something you often hear in baseball.

FlippMatt Sausage

A real baseball fan would know that a real baseball fan has a sack of D cell batteries to throw as a means of expressing displeasure.

gellaho

Love to see a "two" typo. And our main character whining

Juho, Definitely a Cultist

Somebody more qualified than this dingus.

Gentleman Brendan

Tom is the Vince McMahon of atomic baseball

gellaho

Get excited about the project

FlippMatt Sausage

Matt is such a nerd he eats antacids for no reason.

FancyShark

Sam is either insane or turning into a werewolf

FlippMatt Sausage

Also: THE PROJECT!

gellaho

What baseball crimes had Tom committed?

FancyShark

This is a Batman villain speech

FlippMatt Sausage

Um.........gift of life? My guy, Chicago probably can live without a baseball team.

gellaho

Time to dump a body in Lake Michigan

Gentleman Brendan

Tom is definitely a billionaire.

FancyShark

Chicago has vestigial sports teams, dude. It's not a place to make a name for yourself

FlippMatt Sausage

Their unique approach to soup based pizza alone can keep a megalopolis on the map.

FancyShark

Lasagna with Pie Crust is delicious and I will not hear slander against it

Juho, Definitely a Cultist

No alternative? Just... Go in the opposite direction.

gellaho

TIME FOR TUBES

FancyShark

You're going into Lake Michigan? Jesus, you ARE crazy

gellaho

TUBES!

FlippMatt Sausage

This better be Sam asking Matt to join Cobra's baseball team and perfect their sports cyborg.

Also explaining docking clamps like its high tech 2002 tech is very 1980s

FancyShark

I hope this whole thing is setting up a trebuchet pitching machine

gellaho

Tempraglas

gellaho

Not Tempraglass

You put that second s on there, so help me

FlippMatt Sausage

Matt is flabbergasted by aquariums.

FancyShark

"Welcome to the Chocolate Factory"

FlippMatt Sausage

Also its hilarious that he can see anything.

gellaho

Nobody noticed the three mile dome under Lake Michigan

gellaho

This is the first of multiple Wanka-ings

FlippMatt Sausage

"Ive got a goooolden tiiiiicket! (to baseball)"

FancyShark

Veruca Salt The Earth

Juho, Definitely a Cultist

Hehe, wankaings. He's a wankaer.

gellaho

WHAT DOES IT DO?

FlippMatt Sausage

Augustus Gloop is a seven foot tall Austrian roid monster and spits tobacco juice all over.

LyraV

The snozberries taste like baseballs.

FlippMatt Sausage

Man you brought this academic you dont know down here to show off your underwater stadium?

Jeff Bezos should take notes.

gellaho

We going to explain what a Progmobile is? No? Alright.

Juho, Definitely a Cultist

The view of notjing but brown water beyond the dome must be just beautiful.

FlippMatt Sausage

It runs on the power of prog rock.

FancyShark

A man builds an underwater, atomic powered structure in the heart of a major city, is described as insane, and somehow isn't a Bond villain

FlippMatt Sausage

Currently Sam is singing King Crimson lyrics into the gas tank.

gellaho

THE DRIVE-IN WILL LIVE FOREVER

FancyShark

75000 vehicle lot? You have to get to a parking garage if you don't get one of the twelve spots near the Rosemont center

Juho, Definitely a Cultist

It takes five minutes until it really gets going, and the minimum trip length is fourteen minutes.

FlippMatt Sausage

And nobody noticed this guy building this shit in the lake.

gellaho

Sounds like an ex-ballplayer to me

FlippMatt Sausage

Or: Matt is terminally checked out.

LyraV

Mound Man is GOD here

FlippMatt Sausage

And everyone else has been talking about it for months.

FancyShark

If it's not da Bears or beer, it's old news already

FlippMatt Sausage

Seen from above the pitchers mound is shaped like a dick to channel ancient symbolic forces.

gellaho

"I will royally fuck up Lake Michigan for baseball"

FlippMatt Sausage

Also a spiral.

Spiral dick.

gellaho

Tom Samuel loses his goddamned mind

FancyShark

Gordon Lightfoot's song about the stadium is going to be EPIC

FlippMatt Sausage

Lake Michigan is already fucked up so this couldnt really hurt.

The great lakes are the kind of bodies of water that occassionally catch fire.

FancyShark

"Those fools at the Baseball Academy laughed at me!"

FlippMatt Sausage

Chicago is basically Ankh-Morpork.

gellaho

FUCK YOU RANDOM STRANGER I SHOWED ALL MY SECRETS

FlippMatt Sausage

This is a good way to get Falcon Punched by a billionaire.

FancyShark

Sam's just one of those guys that yells about chemtrails on streetcorners, but with lots of money

gellaho

ALL PRAISE THE NEW BASEBALL FLESH

FancyShark

"Fear the Old Ballgame"

FlippMatt Sausage

"I'm getting it from YOU Matt. You have perfect baseball genes."

gellaho

Here are some comps

FlippMatt Sausage

"BECAUSE I AM YOUR CLONE BROTHER MATT! YOU AND I ARE JUST INFERIOR COPIES OF THE OLD MAN!"

FancyShark

"hrrrm...the Old Man?"

gellaho

A year later

FancyShark

An entire year with no one noticing a massive drain on the city's power grid whenever Sam uses the microwave

gellaho

And... dead

gellaho

FlippMatt Sausage

Even in fiction the Yankees are better than everyone else.

Thats kind of sad.

Like dare to dream, man.

gellaho

MONTHS LATER: the deadly classrooms of academia

FancyShark

GO SAWKS!

Gentleman Brendan

You get me, Shark. You get me.

FlippMatt Sausage

"The faculty covered up her death by making it look like a suicide."

gellaho

But, why though? Why any of this Robert Browne?

Juho, Definitely a Cultist

Has this guy ever been in a lecture hall?

FancyShark

"Pointed fondly" at the spot her head cracked open

Gentleman Brendan

At least he doesn't expect the taxpayers to shell out $1b to pay for it.

FlippMatt Sausage

God this baseball book is as boring as actual baseball.

Shut up and do sports, Matt.

You flabby bitch.

gellaho

Hey, hey, Robert. The fuck though

FlippMatt Sausage

MATT NO!

NO!

NO NO NO!

Gentleman Brendan

He brought him here to understand, and then immediately got mad he couldn't possibly understand.

FancyShark

At least this book isn't making us play the game even though we just want to stay home and maybe call up our friend and go read comics and not get embarrassed in front of dozens of over-competitive parents, MOM

Juho, Definitely a Cultist

...fuck this horniness.

gellaho

Later: pervy secretary