FlippMatt Sausage
God its good Matt is a nerd and doesnt know how to fuck.
71: THE NEW AToms' BOMBSHELL Robert Browne
Tags:
Madder than the Mets... Dippier than the Dodgers... And more exasperating than the Cubs or the White Sox-The new AToms had nowhere to go but up!
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Gentleman Brendan
Tom Samuel is definitely Kaine to Matt's Ben Reilly.
FancyShark
LIIIIIIPS
LyraV
I like adding that he reminded himself she might waste his time, what a hero.
Gentleman Brendan
Kaine confirmed.
FlippMatt Sausage
I appreciate a good Ben Reilly reference.
Also his secretary is kind of mean but Matt seems like he deserves the bullying.
FancyShark
We're going to get into a whole shame fetish from the author, aren't we?
Gentleman Brendan
This is the exact plot of S1M0NE but with baseball instead of beautiful women
gellaho
The lawyers represent a buyer for the AToms, which Matt now owns. For some reason, nobody told him
Gentleman Brendan
Lipstick fingers? Hahaha what did he have to pry it out of her mouth so it didn't tear?
LyraV
Yes lawyers, known for their elaborate gags.
gellaho
Kind of, but in a weird way
Gentleman Brendan
Matt, I'm going to be honest. You can't afford the property taxes on a $7b underwater glass nuclear explosion.
LyraV
I mean Ball Gags, sure but not pranks.
gellaho
Here's the plot, only 28 pages in
FancyShark
Matt Valentine is your everyday tenure professor. Until one day he learns he has to <RECORD SCRATCH> MANAGE A BASEBALL TEAM IN AN UNDERWATER STADIUM CONSTRUCTED BY A MADMAN!
FlippMatt Sausage
The permitting alone...............
Gentleman Brendan
This is an exceptional contextual pun.
FancyShark
gellaho
Who likes legal documents!
Gentleman Brendan
Matt must lose every single penny and have nothing to show for it except a world series...trophy? Belt?
FancyShark
I think they get a pizza party?
Gentleman Brendan
Honestly, I would watch the shit out of this comedy starring Jack Black.
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Purse.
gellaho
Airtight huh
FlippMatt Sausage
Did this motherfucker write a rejected script for a sci-fi Major League?!
FancyShark
Alternately, I would watch the shit out of this taught psychological thriller with Nicholas Cage
FlippMatt Sausage
Because this is some Major League shit and if Pedro Cerrano doesnt hit a curve ball then FUCK YOU JOBU!
Gentleman Brendan
Tasked with getting people excited about baseball just after the Yankees lost the 9/11 world series. OOF.
gellaho
Matt is offered $500,000
FancyShark
I'm sorry, did it say what happens if he says no?
gellaho
I will remind you that he had not been to a baseball stadium before a year ago
gellaho
He doesn't get anything
FlippMatt Sausage
And he's going to pitch a full game?
gellaho
A full season
FlippMatt Sausage
Sam called him a flabby bitch last year.
This is going to go awesome.
FancyShark
This author doesn't quite understand stakes
FlippMatt Sausage
Also 500k in 2002 is not going as far as the author thinks.
That wont even pay for one player.
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt
Oh shit we are talking about my job in here?
FlippMatt Sausage
's shoes.
gellaho
Just take the money, dipshit
FlippMatt Sausage
I mean take the money and run.
You flabby non sports bitch.
FancyShark
Abt natural
Gentleman Brendan
He did eat a hot dog though, and that's 80% of it.
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Just pitch like a bitch for a year and then quit.
FlippMatt Sausage
I mean I am also a flabby non sports bitch but for 600 thousand dollars I'd at least try.
Gentleman Brendan
You have nothing to lose, and you just negotiated an extra year's pay.
FancyShark
Taking a piss at the trough urinal while avoiding eye contact with the other people is the other 20%
gellaho
Considering what he gets for playing the entire series and running a baseball team is just $1,000,00, just take the 600k
Gentleman Brendan
I would absolutely go watch a ball game starring a guy as hapless as me. This team can't lose money, only playoffs.
FlippMatt Sausage
Also a million in 2002 money.
gellaho
Spoiler alert, he's going to do something very stupid
FlippMatt Sausage
Futurepast money as well, who even knows what that could be worth?!
gellaho
Great lawyering
FancyShark
Flippant called it. This is sci-fi Major League
FlippMatt Sausage
Oh fuck yeah watching some academic try and haul his semi translucent grublike body around a baseball field while the Steroid Monsters laugh at his ass?
Id watch that.
Gentleman Brendan
No joke in all of F Is for Family resonated with me quite so hard as that mock-Fenway trough gag, and there was an entire season of a kid crying for a girl with my ex's name.
gellaho
This really seems like there is a passion for baseball, Robert. Love the inconsistency
FlippMatt Sausage
The lawyer: "My client was a complete asshole and now he's paying me to fuck with you from beyond the grave."
FancyShark
"Rape of baseball" is pretty strong language to throw around, writer
gellaho
But nobody cares about the game
Clearly
FlippMatt Sausage
"rape of baseball"..............the writer isnt Alejandro Jodorowsky secretly, right?
gellaho
Random quote, what's up
FancyShark
Damn Narration Ghost is back
gellaho
Do nerds dream of legal documents?
FlippMatt Sausage
My guy..........imaginations work fine post 2000.
I am imagining shit right now.
Its rad.
LyraV
Me too!
FancyShark
This all feels like it was meant to be a musical
FlippMatt Sausage
For instance I'm imagining that someone competent wrote a sci-fi sequel to Major League.
gellaho
Seems highly impractical
Gentleman Brendan
The Buckethead of Baseball only works if you're good at it.
FlippMatt Sausage
Leslie Nielson is there.
And pre Murder OJ Simpson.
FancyShark
There's a filing system that can't fail
gellaho
Monocle pop
Gentleman Brendan
Goodbye, Mr. Paradise is the middle-aged woman reinvents herself movie we should have gotten from Casino-era Sharon Stone and you know what? This was too much. Too much extended imagination.
FancyShark
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt
MY ELEGANT BOY
Gentleman Brendan
The death of baseball was the death of our national soul.
Rat Soup Eating GDC
Sorry I can't be around for this one, I have to go sit next to a river and drink some beer.
FlippMatt Sausage
I just started watching that and now I understand the reference!
gellaho
Remember: never been to a baseball stadium
FancyShark
Aw, okay. We'll miss you, @Rat Soup Eating GDC !
Gentleman Brendan
Bye and also smart move.
LyraV
Fuck yeah, that sounds awesome, have fun @Rat Soup Eating GDC
gellaho
Remember: Manhattan Stadium is in Chicago. It's about to get confusing
Gentleman Brendan
You can't be serious about absolutely wrecking this asshole's dream for a million dollars and a free chance to pitch the major leagues.
chloe voted for judy f hops
Well yea it's named Manhattan after the drink, famously loved by every player
LyraV
He has to, his DREAMS told him this was a good idea.
Gentleman Brendan
Like I might pay $1000 to ruin a dead billionaire's dream from beyond the grave.
gellaho
MIND FUCKIN BLOWN
chloe voted for judy f hops
WOAH
HOLD THE FUCK UP
FancyShark
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE
Gentleman Brendan
It's also New York County! And state.
chloe voted for judy f hops
WHEN WAS SOMEONE GONNA TELL ME
FlippMatt Sausage
Hahahahah Futurepast Baseball Elon Musk really miscalculated when he bullied DOCTOR PARADISE! PROFESSOR AND CRIME FIGHTER!
LyraV
🤣
It's too much man.
His editors only note here was 'It sure is buddy'
gellaho
Remember that Dr Norbert was a college professor teaching undergrad stat
gellaho
It is very important you remember that
FlippMatt Sausage
Author would do great on Where In the World Is Carmen Sandiego.
chloe voted for judy f hops
Bold assumption you have about there being editors
FancyShark
Robert knew that was going to be the line they quoted for his Pulitzer and his Hugo
FlippMatt Sausage
Hehehehe Norbert.
gellaho
BEGIN THE APPLICATION PROCESS
FlippMatt Sausage
Matts gonna use Sabermetrics and Moneyball the shit out of this team.
FancyShark
Or you could see the less good doctor and have to deal with Colin Baker
chloe voted for judy f hops
Lot of paperwork to watch a show about an autistic doctor
gellaho
Nicotine will begin your magical professorial journey
FlippMatt Sausage
Sick, Guide dogs for the sighted!
FancyShark
"I named her after the thing that killed my wife"
FlippMatt Sausage
I approve.
Dr. Norbert is a good host.
chloe voted for judy f hops
Everyone should name their dog after their addiction
"CMERE SPEED!" "HEROIN, GET OVER HERE"
gellaho
Statistics professors live in James Bond villain lairs, right?
FlippMatt Sausage
"This one is Dangerous Ladyboys, and that one is Cheeseburger."
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt
That's why my friend named his dog Genshin: Immortal
FancyShark
My dogs would be named "Comedy", "Video Games" and "That Folder I Don't Show People"
gellaho
Now begins the second Wanka-ing
gellaho
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt
The hamb$ne emoji folder, then?
chloe voted for judy f hops
"Questionable pornography, get your nose away from there"
FancyShark
Nonsense. That one's for everyone
FlippMatt Sausage
"DOCTOR PARADISE!!!! visits his crime fighting compatriot, DOCTOR NORBERT!"
chloe voted for judy f hops
I appreciate that within a page turn this book became absolute gibberish
FancyShark
Dr. Paradise was the less-successful follow-up to Dr. Feelgood
gellaho
All statistics professors have an army of attractive women for their underground lairs
FlippMatt Sausage
Motley Crue should never have given up drugs.
Checking DOCTOR PARADISE!!!!! for ass bombs.
FancyShark
Okay, if this is Major League but sci-fi and every character is a SPECTRE operative, I am going to be angry it sucks
chloe voted for judy f hops
He's working on calculating the statistics of precum getting someone pregnant
FlippMatt Sausage
Little do they know that DOCTOR PARADISE!!!!!! has a false bootheel with a dart gun inside.
gellaho
Aaaaand... Drugged
gellaho
FancyShark
This really is one step away from a Naked Gun or The Tick story
FlippMatt Sausage
MICROVISION! Like television but VERY SMALL!
So small its really a problem!
Still CRT screens tho!
FancyShark
Do the cars work if you don't have mono?
I'll go to hell now
gellaho
Should his voice have changed?
gellaho
And punchcards
FancyShark
Sure. For instance, he could have gone through Future Puberty
FlippMatt Sausage
DOCTOR PARADISE!!!!!! is an accomplished mimic and ventriloquist.
gellaho
But why though
gellaho
chloe voted for judy f hops
Come meet BILLY THE PARADISE PUPPET
gellaho
You're a statistics professor. That's not even real math
FancyShark
"...The amusement park?"
chloe voted for judy f hops
Cmon man you've already been drugged why aren't you drinking more tea
Gentleman Brendan
When does Boleslaw show up to arrest these baseball perverts?
Is Nottingham like famous for its wood?
gellaho
"That doesn't explain anything"
FlippMatt Sausage
"I, DOCTOR NORBERT!!!! was secretly the gentleman thief DOCTOR CRIME!!!!!! THE WHOLE TIME!"
"I STOLE THIS WOOD!"
Gentleman Brendan
I need a Brit. Quick--shark, you're fancy. Is Nottingham wood-famous?
chloe voted for judy f hops
No you're thinking of Knotting-ham
gellaho
I had a psychic vision!
gellaho
Matt's also a psych major
FancyShark
I mean, it's got thieves in the forest. But I'm pretty sure they just have oak
chloe voted for judy f hops
I can't tell if this book wants you to believe the hero is completely stable and everyone else is crazy or if this is a king in yellow situation
gellaho
We all know the tight knit bond between a Psych student and their freshman Intro to Stat professor
FlippMatt Sausage
"DOCTOR PARADISE!!!!!!!!! had a prophetic dream! It led me to your lair DOCTOR CRIME! Now join my baseball team and do math for it!"
Gentleman Brendan
In fair Carcosa, where the mushroom cloud stadium doth unsleep beneath the depths.
gellaho
Statistics,
Gentleman Brendan
Strong argument that Samuel has simply erected a dome over Ry'leh.
FancyShark
@Gentleman Brendan , according to google, Sherwood Forest makes wooden bowls
Gentleman Brendan
NOT TABLES???!?
FlippMatt Sausage
Ry'leh in Lake Michigan.
Gentleman Brendan
this entire outing has been a fiction!
FancyShark
NOT TABLES!
Gentleman Brendan
Wait they really are inventing sabermetrics.
FlippMatt Sausage
Yeah I wasnt kidding about the Moneyball thing.
Gentleman Brendan
Right around the time it actually came forward.
gellaho
Fucking swerving right away from statistics into gobbledygook
chloe voted for judy f hops
THEY LURE YOU IN WITH NEW YORK CITY FACST AND BAMBOOZLE YOU WITH FAKE WOOD
gellaho
Who's ever heard of statistics in baseball?
FancyShark
Like Catan!
gellaho
Could you imagine?
Gentleman Brendan
Seems like this whole society is buzzing about the dead game of baseball.
chloe voted for judy f hops
SON OF A BITCH IVE BEEN GOT AGAIN
FlippMatt Sausage
Academics are fascinated by baseball and this is why nobody else is.
FancyShark
Here, chloe. Soothe your frustrations with painted bowls
https://www.sherwoodforestdesign.com/
Gentleman Brendan
They've got baseball-themed cemeteries, baseball underwater megacities, baseball old men
FlippMatt Sausage
Those are nice bowls.
FancyShark
Baseball: The Thing Everyone's Already Talking About! Tonight at 9. But first, authorities are confounded as to why every animal in Chicago is screaming at the ground
gellaho
So, take this conversation
chloe voted for judy f hops
Hold on lemme put down my rage book where I fill in each page completely with ink when I'm mad
gellaho
Stretch it out to about 100 times
That's what I'm reading right now
FancyShark
You are our hero, gellaho
gellaho
He's going to use computers to predict baseball
FancyShark
So...a baseball video game?
Gentleman Brendan
I don't think they even have computers.
FlippMatt Sausage
Statisticians notoriously dont understand probability, right?
Gentleman Brendan
Aren't real-life coaches doing this now with Madden simulations?
chloe voted for judy f hops
What's ironic about all of this is that I'm reading all of these passages reiterating how boring baseball is and going "yeah! FUCK baseball!" As I'm riding to a twins game
FancyShark
They're very small
FlippMatt Sausage
DOCTOR CRIME!!!!!! is a mentat, he is a living computers.
gellaho
RESTAURANTS ARE ONLY LIMITED BY THEIR FEEBLE IMAGINATIONS
Gentleman Brendan
In Chicago, the Minnesota Twins are called What a Pair of Kangaroos!
FlippMatt Sausage
And they buy all the microtransactions, it sucks.
gellaho
They are going to be breaking many, many rules
Gentleman Brendan
They also call all stadiums Manhattan. It's weird.
chloe voted for judy f hops
BRRRRING ME THE FILLET OF CHILD
FlippMatt Sausage
I yelled something similar about restaurants when I came up with the idea of hotdog sushi.
gellaho
BEHOLD MY TOILET THRONE
FancyShark
I'll take a slice of my grandma's chocolate cake, a wagyu-beef steak with side of creamed spinach, and the number of that air force lady I had a shot with back in college, waiter
FlippMatt Sausage
DOCTOR CRIME!!!!!! IS POOPING AT THIS VERY INSTANT!
HE CANNOT BE STOPPED!
chloe voted for judy f hops
Can I get a picture of my ex stewing on remorse for taking the kids when she left and an xtra large Coke
gellaho
Computers are much easier to use without sight
FancyShark
"...Gary, do we have to narrate EVERYTHING that happens?"
FlippMatt Sausage
"Yes or the radio play wont make sense."
FancyShark
It's so true. I don't even know what your avatars look like
Or what I'm typing
FlippMatt Sausage
"And yes, I know, but radio plays are coming back in 2002! I swear!"
chloe voted for judy f hops
What he won't tell you is he is actually using his heightened senses to smell every penis that enters a mile radius
Gentleman Brendan
"Young man, as an example of my productivity, I am expelling waste even as we speak."
gellaho
Is it though
FancyShark
"I'm hanging up the phone now"
chloe voted for judy f hops
FUCK WHAT A DOPE YLINE BEST LINE IN THE BOOK
Gentleman Brendan
The past's idea of the perfect future was never having to use your feet and ample parking for all 10 billion of us.
gellaho
Hey look, Tracker
chloe voted for judy f hops
Getting "imagination is a higher form of seeing" tattooed over my corneas
FlippMatt Sausage
Man I was kidding about the super villain shit.
But damn.
Gentleman Brendan
So...sonar.
FlippMatt Sausage
DOCTOR CRIME AND HIS AMAZING BRAILLE COMPUTER!
chloe voted for judy f hops
Holy shit what a stupid follow up to the best line
FancyShark
"Pranked by a Bond villain" is such a wasted premise on this writer
chloe voted for judy f hops
He should've just said he smells the shape of his face
gellaho
"I plucked out my own eyes, how are you not getting my deal"
FlippMatt Sausage
More than ONE Bond Villain.
FancyShark
IN THE FUTURRRRE!
One fall out of desper-
Oh, Robert. Someone hurt you
gellaho
I WILL EVENTUALLY REMOVE ALL MY FLESH
chloe voted for judy f hops
Do you not understand that man's meaning on earth is IMPREGNATION, DOCTOR CRIME?!
FlippMatt Sausage
Hey Matt? You were saying shit like this while looking at your students panties so maybe stop judging DOCTOR CRIME!!!!!! maybe?
Gentleman Brendan
This book's idea of a wise man is a guy who can't close his eyes.
FancyShark
Highlander: Staring Contest
gellaho
"FIVE HUNDRED OF YOUR EARTH-YEARS. I mean, years"
FlippMatt Sausage
"YOU'RE A MADMAN DOCTOR CRIME!!!!!, but DOCTOR PARADISE!!!!!! is willing to overlook it if you do math for his basesballed tee-am."
FancyShark
The computer stole the secret of fire from Mrs O'Leary's cow
gellaho
"I wish I could remove that pesky esophagus of yours"
FlippMatt Sausage
Man this guy really is hitting all the villain notes.
The helmet also makes it easier to gas his guests to death.
gellaho
Could you even imagine
Gentleman Brendan
God, I love how they just dreamed of bigger and therefore more powerful computers. EVERY TIME
Even Asimov.
FlippMatt Sausage
"It does it with LASERS!, can you imagine?!"
Gentleman Brendan
More processors means MORE BRAINS
chloe voted for judy f hops
It's OVER SEVEN THOUSAND?!?!?!
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Holy shit, 7000 words a minute!
gellaho
THE PICTURE OF EFFICIENCY
gellaho
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
That is such a moderately fast printer.
FlippMatt Sausage
Casually downloads PDF of this book in less than a second
Gentleman Brendan
punch-card computing fffffuuck yesssss BOLESLAW INCOMING
FancyShark
GIVE US MORAN
Gentleman Brendan
LET MORAN PITCH, YOU COWARDS
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
I mean that's like, 30 sheets of A4! Youd have to be a small-to-medium business to afford that in 2002!
FlippMatt Sausage
The Adventures of DOCTOR PARADISE and REX MORAN would be a fucking awesome comic book.
FancyShark
Wait, if the computer feeds off information, what happens when it learns of the world outside itself?
gellaho
Matt will put none of his own effort to running the baseball team
gellaho
His only solution is crazy stat professor
Just sitting at home for two weeks, doing nothing