gellaho
If you were wondering, they don't actually get to baseball games until page 149 of this 212 page book
71: THE NEW AToms' BOMBSHELL Robert Browne
Tags:
Madder than the Mets... Dippier than the Dodgers... And more exasperating than the Cubs or the White Sox-The new AToms had nowhere to go but up!
Archive
FancyShark
We're glad you could make it too!
gellaho
'Til Next Time
Gentleman Brendan
Good lord, what a ride and also non-ride.
gellaho
Just think: he's taking a dump right now
LyraV
That's phenomenal.
Gentleman Brendan
The shittiest book ever written still took an intense effort to make.
Which is why it's important to ask, who is the audience?
FancyShark
Kids whose dads are trying to bond with them when one loves sci-fi and the other loves baseball?
Gentleman Brendan
They're just gonna be one of them bored half the time then switch.
there's not even any sci-fi in this sci-fi.
gellaho
Just think about all the baseball articles and strategy documents I skipped
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt
Yeah but maybe they'll talk about fries more
Gentleman Brendan
"You will proceed to the bank at 2 p.m.," said Norbert. You will give the teller a note reading "I have a bomb--"
"But why--" began Matthew.
"Good lord, you popinjay, I haven't time to explain my intellect!" cried Norbert, who dug his own eyes out with a spoon.
Fries and baseball, that William kid knows how to have a good time.
gellaho
Spoiler alert: yes
What's weird is that I didn't skip any of the recruiting
FancyShark
I want to see Matt go through all this and become jaded and washed up, then go coach a little league team
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Thanks everyone!
gellaho
He only recruited three people
FancyShark
And subject them to training that he thinks is normal and is just utterly psychotic
Gentleman Brendan
Matt has no wants, goals, fears, motivations, or obstacles that I can figure except to make enough money to buy fancy dinner for a redhead with nipples that ring God's doorbell.
He is merely the automaton for this mad coot.
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
My god what a phrase.
Gentleman Brendan
And just think, you get the prremium stuff for free. Thank @gellaho for that.
gellaho
His motivation seems to be a childhood pitching dream. Which is weird for a guy who never went to a major baseball game until one year prior
FancyShark
So many people dream about throwing stuff, but Matt's going to DO it
gellaho
The Book Cage Episode 71 Part 2 THE NEW AToms' BOMBSHELL
Almost forgot my announcement. It's been a weird day. Anyway, back to baseball. Or, presumably baseball. We will no practice with this motley assortment of weirdos and college professors as they attempt to win the world series. All with no experience and a mad scientist who blinded himself and shits into his chair. Computers will abound, our main character will be forgotten in his own story. Find out how this bizarre narrative (?) ends, this Friday, 5pm Eastern.
gellaho
gellaho
If you need to catch up the first part has now been archived: https://gellaho.com/books/187-the-new-atoms-bombshell
gellaho
Coming up on the hour, it's THE NEW AToms' BOMBSHELL
Last Chance to Beat the Javo
In the future, maybe baseball will be ok? - a mindbending sci-fi premise
gellaho
No preview as we're halfway through, but here's the first paragraph of Chapter 6
gellaho
Baseball is on the brink of extinction and the most important thing on Earth
Last Chance to Beat the Javo
hm thats seems counter intuitive
gellaho
There's also a Intro to Statistics professor who is a computer genius, blinded himself, and shits in his future chair
Last Chance to Beat the Javo
So this is basically baseball X-men
gellaho
If Cyclops was an untalented college psychology professor who is pretending to be horribly burn to fulfill his pitching dreams
And they were paid in French fries
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
Did we ever figure out why it's spelled like that
AToms
Or stylized, whatever man
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It's because the former owner was named Tom.
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
I don't know if you're lying but based on what I know about it I believe you
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I mean I just kind of assumed but it makes logical sense.
And not naming your team after yourself is for people who cant afford to build a giant mushroom cloud made of glass in the middle of a lake.
gellaho
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
Ugh
Ozzie
I second that
I thought AToms was a bit Gellaho was doing at first.
Last Chance to Beat the Javo
This team is a tribute to my father and also the most horrible weapon ever developed by humankind
gellaho
The only team I know that are actually named after the founder are the Browns. And look what happened to them
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
Though it's not without precedent
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
Also another Cleveland team got its start like that
The former Cleveland Indians used to be called the Cleveland Naps after their best player, Nap Lajouie
gellaho
So you're saying there wasn't a Jimmy Cavalier
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
In our hearts you know he's out there somewhere
gellaho
Anyway, we got a hard out in three hours. Let's begin
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
Imagine being so good the team is just like yeah we're just going to call ourselves by your name
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
PLAY BALL!
Soon.
gellaho
Professor Norbert is very humble
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
Hahaha
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"I AM YOUR BASEBALL GOD! BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP! DO AS..........uuuuurrrgh.........I COMMAND! What? No, I wasnt going poopy."
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
Off to a great start
gellaho
BASEBALL WAR
Ozzie
I think this guy was my little league coach
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"I will teach you to kill, and to die in service of your team."
gellaho
You are all losers on the diamond of battle
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"It's not your fault you totally suck."
Which is what all underperforming white men want to hear.
gellaho
BATTLEFIELD BALL PARK
gellaho
which he didn't build, the dead guy did
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Uhhhhhhh.......Professor Poop Chair........this sounds like cheating?"
"NO! Its absolutely legal to have pop up turrets vaporize balls with lasers! There's no rule against it!"
gellaho
I guess that's a metaphor you can use
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
That's an odd way to describe a Jumbotron
Ozzie
Bad move for your book to make me start thinking about the movie Baseketball
gellaho
Adorable
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Aw they made a little diagram to save the author having to describe a baseball diamond and avoid an Abbott and Costello bit.
gellaho
The musical career of sitting in a hovel and refusing to record music
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
Ah yes, the lucrative musical career path
Much safer than baseball
gellaho
That's not how that works
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
Amazing
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
In the futurepast, baseball is so hopeless people would rather become blues hobos.
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
Slaphitting huh
Was this book written by Ichiro?
gellaho
Swing and a miss on "reliefers"
gellaho
I know what that means
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
Wait chicks can play baseball now?
Talk about a dystopian future amirite!?
gellaho
BEHOLD MY TOILET THRONE
Juho
Nah, surely they don't allow dames inta stadiums on accounta their wanderin' wombs.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It just hit me that I can make a very fun layered joke by calling him God-Emperor Norbert and referring to his chair as a "golden throne"
So pretend I did that but with maximum effort.
gellaho
Live baseball, read baseball
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Eat baseball. Sleep baseball! FUCK BASEBALL!
Gets out baseballs with holes drilled in them. Players start looking scared
Juho
Worship baseball
gellaho
This baseball field is supposed to be like 400ft by 400ft. So those are some enormous rooms
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"BEHOLD! THE LIVING QUADRANGLE!"
Shit wait wrong book.
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
Glad I had a diagram
If that's to scale their living quarters are huge
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Palatial!
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
Ah shit scooped
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas
Oh shit I didn't realize there was a book cage happening right now
Brendan
Hi, I'm running around, what'd I miss today?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Norbert is making a defiant speech about baseball warriors drinking from the skulls of their enemies, and pooping secretly. Also diagrams.
gellaho
So begins Matt/Michael's long period of isolation
Juho
The mess hall is large enough to seat 1,000.
Nope, 1200.
gellaho
Matt also seems to be referring to himself with his fake name, which is weird
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
You have to get into character so you dont slip up, its like in Hong Kong movies like City on Fire, the undercover cop starts sympathizing with the criminals.
Brendan
...how did I make that red?
Juho
Okay the living quarters boxes? Of which there are 18? Those are 18,000 square feet. EACH.
gellaho
They will never, ever be able to hit your slow, slow ass pitches
Juho
That's 300,00 square feet of living quarters spaces.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I'm not a baseball expert, but this seems like a stupid plan.
FancyShark
Sorry I'm late. Traffic was...present. Mr. Brendan, please bring me up to speed
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
"Just throw it slow, that'll fool them"
That's why there are so many successful junkballers these days
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas
it's a shame no one has thought of bringing some slowpitch office league pitcher to MLB
They'd obviously dominate
Brendan
Weird, I also can't edit it to see how I did so:
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Norbert made a speech about baseball war, and Michael is going nuts.
gellaho
"We will make your form terrible and inconsistent"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Mine did that too, I think it didnt send properly.
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
So Johnny Cueto actually does this successfully. But he's the only one
Brendan
Norbert's entire strategem is "The world's greatest swordsman doesn't fear the second-greatest, but the unpredictable newbie."
gellaho
That's why all MLB teams employ 9 year olds just out of tee ball
FancyShark
It does that if Discord borks out
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
He's got like 5 different deliveries
Brendan
Over the course of 9 swordsmen
Rex, save us
Ozzie
It shows up red like that if it fails to post the message, that's what the refresh image in the top right is for, to retry posting it.
FancyShark
Higher blood pressure is always good in arms, right?
Brendan
This is the plot of Rookie of the Year plus Blank Check.
Ergo Matt is a 13-year-old.
gellaho
And finally: horse exercises
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I think that unpredictable newbie thing has always sounded kind of fishy, because at that point why bother training at all?
FancyShark
It eventually leads to a new player every pitch
gellaho
Hahaha
Juho
I hate to keep harping on about tbe numbers, but that place is three times the size of the laegest Walmart.
gellaho
Robert Browne, you fucking nerd
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Okay guys, time to let your physical conditioning slide for about two months."
"Dont worry, I have a plan!"
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
We're going to win WITH THE POWER OF THE MIND
Brendan
It was an era of dreams, when baseball yet loomed larger than capitalism.
gellaho
"If I study enough, I will be the greatest pitcher!" pushes up glasses
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"No, of course it isnt to betray you for Yankees money."
gellaho
It's also a pointless recreation built underground.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Again not a baseball expert, but this sounds like a great way to lose baseball games.
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
To be fair I would think this whole thing was badass when I was like 9
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Having flabby players who dont know what they are doing.
FancyShark
The strategy is guns, isn't it? He's just going to shoot all the opposing teams
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"The outfield has antipersonnel mines, so no need to worry about that."
FancyShark
"We have their families. They'll lose if they want to see them again."
gellaho
My intensive study will make me the best
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
Moneyball but for even bigger dorks
How is this possible
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I've instantly forgotten who Herbert was and decided he's Norbert's manservant and lover\clone
gellaho
Four months of recitation will win ball games
FancyShark
Four months later, they knew their strategy: "ERROR 404"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Okay but they still need to do physical training so they can respond quick enough.
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
How could anyone but the worlds biggest nerd this this would work
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And not just stand there like derps as their brain interprets shit.
FancyShark
Silence, nerd! Someone study at him!
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas
This is the strategy that would be devised by an anime character who pushes his backlit glasses up his nose with his middle finger
gellaho
I'm not sure how this strategy works in other stadiums where you won't have access to your magic computer
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
I can't believe I had to nerds!!!! the book cage
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
poops secretly
FancyShark
Their entire strategy depends on public wifi
Brendan
This book is like a documentary of the Cubs winning the world series steeped entirely in the pre-season manager's office.
gellaho
Yay?
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
"Nerd like a champion today"
FancyShark
BASEBALL WILL SET YOU FREE
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ohhhhh this is dark.
gellaho
And is more optimistic than real life, where it would take 14 more years
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Baseball gulag.
Brendan
I would love it if all of this ended in disaster because Norbert is a certified lunatic.
FancyShark
If you don't want to play baseball, it feels like a gulag
Juho
Yet was entirely irrelevant. Those Halcyon days.
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
If you do want to play baseball it feels like a gulag
gellaho
So much finger tutting
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
Nobody is playing baseball here
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
And now they have to finger blast each other?
FancyShark
Finger calisthenics is a fun way to say "video games"
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
Ok this is just Nexium
Juho
Wait, even the practice grounds are underground?
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
They're all going to fuck Norbert aren't they
gellaho
Matt Paradise is so not a part of this story anymore
gellaho
And not just because he gave up his own identity
FancyShark
One if/then statement and he's out of a job
gellaho
No, Norbert also sterilized himself in addition to blinding himself
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
Hahaha oh no
FancyShark
That just means Norbert can't fuck
It doesn't mean others can't fuck him
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The players gonna run a train gape on Norbert, he wants to increase his ability to poop secretly.
LyraV
I forgot about Matt Paradise (great stripper name)
gellaho
Teamwork!? Fuck you. Now, sit in a room by yourself for five more months and stretch your fingers
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Okay but I'm like three day away from fucking or stabbing Lewis, can we start doing these sessions like......outside?"
"No."
gellaho
Didn't want that to be a reply, but here we are
FancyShark
There's no "we're going to lose" in team
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Make sure the cameras can see you at all times."
Juho
Nm
gellaho
Michael/Matt's slow decent will surely not be exacerbated by this
FancyShark
Don't try to win us over with sexy sporty sexy lady, nerd author
Brendan
WhuHHUHH a WOMANS playing SPORT
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Shes going to fall in love with Michael and not realize hes secretly a Matt!
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
FancyShark
"It IS science fiction!"
Brendan
This book came out what, four years before they physically attacked a woman for trying to run the boston marathon.
gellaho
We have fun, don't we
Brendan
That was a real thing that happened! A man! Got very angry! That a woman ran next to several hundred other men!
gellaho
Clearly Valentine
gellaho
Such fun
Brendan
And that man? ORGANIZED THE MARATHON.
FancyShark
Like how a dog chases after a bicycle
LyraV
I didn't know about that but it feels worth looking into, wtf?
Juho
So this idea is basically "make players baseball robots via essentially subliminal voice commands", right?
FancyShark
Live Action Nintendo Baseball WILL happen, dammit!
gellaho
"Are you comparing me to the literal mental patient? You think that's going to make me feel better?"
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas
misogyny is a time honored tradition
gellaho
So, so much fun
LyraV
Also it's gross.
FancyShark
Was Whitehead the vampire?
I was certain there was a vampire they recruited from a ruined building last time
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"I put him in The Box. He needed to be in The Box."
Brendan
If you men want to win this ball game, you're going to have to let a man who mutilated his own genitals remote control your every move.
I dunno...it worked for Tesla.
gellaho
Nice. Very nice French frying
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas
ftr my buddy doesn't have a dick and he'd kick all your asses
he didn't cut himself up to play underground cyber baseball tho
Afaik
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Wasted opportunity, but everyone has their own reasons.
Juho
Yeah but there's only one player controller per team, and there isn't AO for the controlled team.
Brendan
Okay, this feels fundamentally unethical.
Does the Rainman get ANY food if he hits the ball another way?
gellaho
Just that though, right
FancyShark
Yeah. Everything else is above board.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"You know about conditioning? Pavlovs dog?"
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
Look Mr. Pavlov is becoming a much better hitter now and also whoops he gained 40 pounds
gellaho
"We'll figure out running the bases, a minor detail"
It's not a vital part of the game or anything
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Next week we shove an electrified rod up his ass. Cos science."
FancyShark
I hope it's revealed that this dude just loves fries and is humoring the scientists
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
Famously arm strength is something that is easily trained
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
No need to like have these guys do cardio so they dont get tired from all the running that baseball famously doesnt involve.
gellaho
"Right in the nuts. Very cute"
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
Most pitchers and baseball players are drafted with weak arms and they they make them strong in a matter of weeks
Brendan
I mean, according to goodwill.
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas
Thankfully they picked trigger words that he'll never heard by coincidence, like "pitcher"
FancyShark
This whole book is an offensive maneuver
LyraV
French fries used as tools in behavioral conditioning, sure okay Baseball stuff.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
They'll never let him out of The Box so its never going to be a problem.
Brendan
Why aren't they pavloving ALL the players?
gellaho
"I'll let you completely change my identity and mind, but I draw the line at intentionally hitting the pitcher"
FancyShark
Not enough fries
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
I'm so triggered by this authors complete lack of any athletic knowledge
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Are..........they implying that Whitehead is maybe disabled?
gellaho
They are brainwashing them, that's why
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Are we doing a Heart of the Dragon but for baseball?!
FancyShark
The final plan is to give Whitehead an axe
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It's cleverly concealed blades will pop out of the bat when someone yells "ARRRRGRIGHTINNAFRUIT!"
gellaho
Michael, still isolated, is not able to enjoy the games of Pepper
gellaho
Whatever the fuck Pepper is
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
Ah the classic Clockwork Orange training method
Sorry spoiler alert
FancyShark
It's where you eat pepper and then say "pepper!". It's not very fun
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Thats when baseball players take off their pants, sprinkle their dick and balls with pepper, and take turns licking each other. First one to cum loses.
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas
yeah that never had any downsides
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
Famously forcing people to watch hours of film works every time
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas
okay no one ask sausage about his weekends
gellaho
Poke the ball is maybe the worst advice I've ever heard
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
Lol
FancyShark
Don't have to. They're wiiiiild
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
Tell me you've never played baseball without telling me
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas
Like when that guy made me watch all those Kubrick films and I choked him to death
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
Yeah you wanna just stab at the ball when you bunt
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Yeahhhhh do it gently. Poke that ball. Yeaaahhhhh do it slooooow."
FancyShark
Billiards is basically baseball
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"No, slow down......yeahhhh thats gooooood."
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas
This is all an elaborate prank isn't it?
It's a Truman Show twist, except a Japanese gameshow?