chloe voted for judy f hops
This computer is just going to prove what we already know: they never should've taken steroids out of baseball
71: THE NEW AToms' BOMBSHELL Robert Browne
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Madder than the Mets... Dippier than the Dodgers... And more exasperating than the Cubs or the White Sox-The new AToms had nowhere to go but up!
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FancyShark
Real Genius did this better
FlippMatt Sausage
Yeah he's doing Sabermetrics. He's got this baseball shit solved.
Gentleman Brendan
A man who put out his own eyes to focus on pure thought is freely giving weeks of his time to help a nouveau riche millionaire please a dead asshole billionaire.
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
BRAILLE sabermetrics! FINGER those stats!
FlippMatt Sausage
When you put it that way it sounds insane.
gellaho
Your only thirty dude
FancyShark
Matt, in his hubris, taunts the Knowledge Crash of 2003
chloe voted for judy f hops
"So now I think about baseball and FUCK LIKE NO TOMORROW"
FlippMatt Sausage
"THEY CALLED ME MAD, DOCTOR PARADISE, WHEN I BLINDED MYSELF TO OPEN THE DOORS OF PERCEPTION!"
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
You mean "...and DON'T fuck like tomorrow!"
FancyShark
"WHO IS MAD NOW? WHO, I ASK Y-"
"Sir, he left"
Gentleman Brendan
The Tesla of statistics.
FlippMatt Sausage
"I KNEW HE LEFT! WITH MY AMAZING CRIME SONAR!"
chloe voted for judy f hops
Shit I keep forgetting he has a garage of hotties and yet is still a voluntary celibate dork
gellaho
Seems legit
FancyShark
If you're blind, who cares how hot someone is?
FlippMatt Sausage
"I'm not blind at all! Its like I could have skipped removing my eyes!"
gellaho
The toilet chair wants to know
FancyShark
Yes I know blind people are pervs too
Gentleman Brendan
The irony is this book coincides with the first volley in the war on education.
chloe voted for judy f hops
This guy needs to remember the guy he's going to has such an aversion to balls he doesn't use ANY that he was born with, so probably not a good sports authority
FlippMatt Sausage
Also this is almost the exact plot of Major League.
Gentleman Brendan
No Child Left Behind and vouchers are going to make MLB pitcher a more viable career path
gellaho
, maaaaaaaaaaaan
This is the moment when Matt basically gives up everything to a supervillian
FlippMatt Sausage
I'm waiting for this book to predict A League of Their Own tho.
Matt just screaming at a woman "THERES NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!"
Gentleman Brendan
Norbert Steinbrenner
chloe voted for judy f hops
HOLY SHIT DID HE ACTUALLY CALLED HIM AUTISTIC
FancyShark
"Too autistic" to understand something only an autistic person would have the patience to lay out in this much detail
gellaho
Golly gee, sounds like a plan to me
FlippMatt Sausage
Shit maybe he should be Doctor Hate Crime.
Doctor Ableist Speech.
chloe voted for judy f hops
DOCTOR ABLISM HERE
I BECAME BLIND TO USE SLURS YOU NEVER EVEN HEARD
IM IN TOUCH WITH THE LAYLINES OF HATRED LIKE UOUD NEVER KNOW
FancyShark
DOCTOR SHORT BU-
no, nevermind
Gentleman Brendan
Getting called autistic by the guy so fiercely into the spectrum he blinded and castrated himself to exclude anything that wasn't statistics.
gellaho
"Why not just use Manhattan Stadium? I own it"
FlippMatt Sausage
Getting his Andrew Ryan speech in.
"IS A MAN NOT ENTITLED TO THE SWEAT OF HIS MATH, DOCTOR PARADISE?!"
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Imagine the guy who poked his eyes out insulting your neurotypicality.
Gentleman Brendan
Is a man not entitled to the 7000 words per minute of his printout?
chloe voted for judy f hops
A MAN CHOOSES. AN AUTIST OBEYS.
FlippMatt Sausage
"I mean I dont sweat anymore, I replaced my sweat glands with freon rods."
Gentleman Brendan
God, I hate Ayn Rand.
gellaho
Eh, whatever, I don't care
FlippMatt Sausage
Hating Ayn Rand is how you can tell you are still a good person.
Rachel, Tops for 🤌
yeah but I hate her too so it's not determinative
FancyShark
I only appreciate Ayn Rand for inadvertently influencing the creation of Bioshock. And these jokes
gellaho
If you're wondering, yes the text of the notebook is printed in here
FancyShark
This is how mob stories start
FlippMatt Sausage
If it was so boring that the character cant read it, WHY ARE YOU MAKING US!?
Fuck you, Author.
FancyShark
"Reader, it's so boring. Here, look."
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt
Borodini 101
FlippMatt Sausage
You asshole, you hate baseball and just want us to suffer!
gellaho
Skipped!
FancyShark
The final paragraph said "Not to be taken internally"
FlippMatt Sausage
"Norbert.........you beautiful madman."
chloe voted for judy f hops
"A totally normal brain just like everyone else's made this outline"
gellaho
THE MANAGER IS BUT A PAWN IN MY GAME
Gentleman Brendan
Written there, in distilled genius, was a single word: "Practice."
How do you even get to Fallout Stadium?
gellaho
MY GAME OF BASEBALL. IGNORE MY MIXED METAPHOR
Gentleman Brendan
PRACTICE
chloe voted for judy f hops
"I shall watch money ball starring Bradtholemew Pitt until I perfectly understand how the Red Sox lost and be better than them"
Gentleman Brendan
This book is two Acts I and no Act Play Ball
FancyShark
So when Robert was asking that guy to clarify rules of baseball, how much of this do you think came from that conversation?
And how much was stuff his LARP group said was stupid?
gellaho
I'm sure that something that uses punchcards can analyze video, sure
chloe voted for judy f hops
What is video if not a punchcard with really tiny holes
FlippMatt Sausage
You throw the punchcards really fast and they make a flip book.
gellaho
He also ignored most of that consultation
FancyShark
Transcripts of baseball games. Because when robots start killing us, they need some justification
gellaho
"I'll just get rid of these pesky rules I don't like" - Robert Browne
FlippMatt Sausage
Oh and he calls these machines his children, if youre keeping track of villainous red flags.
FancyShark
And what was the dedication of the book, one more time?
chloe voted for judy f hops
Now THIS I can get behind
Bring back steroids
gellaho
The uniform rule is important. They will actually wear this
FlippMatt Sausage
God yes give us a Mutant League
gellaho
The uniforms with the vision-obscuring hats
FancyShark
If this become Mutant League, it will all be worth it
chloe voted for judy f hops
LET THEM USE SWORDS
gellaho
Because why would you need to see anything except straight in front of you
chloe voted for judy f hops
REMOVE ALL BASEBALLS USE ONLY KUNAI
FlippMatt Sausage
They do a great job keeping the fallout off the players tho.
Gentleman Brendan
Those games need to come back
public jakesy no. 1
Ah yes the Sport Theory of the Horse
chloe voted for judy f hops
Alright time to leave the world of fake baseball and go watch real baseball with real blind eunuchs controlling the game
gellaho
SCIENCE
Gentleman Brendan
Okay, book: time to choose. Is baseball dying or has it replaced commerce as the premise of civilized society?
So they're just cheating?
public jakesy no. 1
Now that's what I call America's Futuretime
Gentleman Brendan
Blind Man Manages Baseball Team Via Supercomputer is the holographic headline of the future!
Holy mackerel, this book is bonkers.
gellaho
Seems like the shittiness of this team was overstated
FancyShark
Take care, @chloe voted for judy f hops !
public jakesy no. 1
Lol love that the Evil Empire still exists
Gentleman Brendan
We will miss your A+ punchlines, @chloe voted for judy f hops
FancyShark
Chloe won this read, hands down
public jakesy no. 1
public jakesy no. 1
Every time they mention the Yankmees this is what I want you to imagine
gellaho
Just get rid of that pesky rule
Gentleman Brendan
So...wait what's the math, are there like 18 teams now?
FlippMatt Sausage
The author didnt even know the rules, I doubt he's thought of that many team names.
gellaho
Sure seems like something you could do with $5,000,000
FancyShark
All I know is New York City is New York City
FlippMatt Sausage
Also if the Yankees arent cyborg gorillas then fuck this book.
gellaho
It's not like you have to pay players or anything
public jakesy no. 1
Wait wait wai
Manhattan Stadium
FancyShark
In Chicago
public jakesy no. 1
Are you shitting me
gellaho
Interesting choice of words
public jakesy no. 1
You can't have the Yankees without Yankee Stadium
FancyShark
Also, it's under Chicago and Lake Michigan
gellaho
Apparently the White Sox decided to name their stadium that
FlippMatt Sausage
Yeah its not like a baseball player in 1980 could expect to make 23 million dollars over 10 years or anything.
public jakesy no. 1
Hahaha oh god
Gentleman Brendan
I live a long mile from Yankee Stadium, and I am telling you that I would be fine with it without the Yankees.
FancyShark
hahahaha, every step of this plan is utterly sinister
gellaho
Then this team took it over, but this team has nothing to do with the Cubs or White Sox
Gentleman Brendan
Meanwhile the White Sands White Sox are just running on a field made of glass.
FlippMatt Sausage
The dead billionaire probably had some kind of plan to nuke civilization to dust and mold mankinds future with Chicago baseball fans as the New Men.
gellaho
Now begins the "fuck with Matt" portion of the book
Gentleman Brendan
JFC are we still setting up the actual story?
FlippMatt Sausage
Of course! How else would you believe in something this fantastic without 200 pages of exposition.
gellaho
It was weird because he wasn't wearing pants
gellaho
We haven't even assembled the team yet!
FancyShark
gellaho, how far are we in this book?
Gentleman Brendan
This is the She-Hulk of sci-fi baseball dystopias.
FlippMatt Sausage
Time for my Blades in the Dark game, gonna go take this goblin energy over there, later yall. Let me know if they get a Pedro Cerrano on the team.
Gentleman Brendan
They're dropping like fly balls here
FlippMatt Sausage
It's been fun!
Gentleman Brendan
All the best players gone!
FancyShark
Have fun, @FlippMatt Sausage ! We'll miss you!
Gentleman Brendan
All that's left is me, Matthew Paradise, in the guise of Brendan McGinley.
And I've never pitched a joke before.
LyraV
I'm back from errands and I'm ready for more future baseball
FancyShark
Fuck off, Matt. Bring back Brendan. He's cool
public jakesy no. 1
Somehow Albert Pujols is still playing in this universe, I just know it
Gentleman Brendan
How dare you talk like that to a burn victim
gellaho
MATT IS NO MORE
Gentleman Brendan
I lost these nads for SCIENCE
gellaho
77 pages in
LyraV
It's time to get the band back together for the first time.
FancyShark
oh fuck yes, this is going to be a two-parter and I'm all for it
public jakesy no. 1
Bill Pimple is crucial to this teams success
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Aww yeah, next it's time to find Murph and the Magictones.
Then, to get gear from Ray Charles. He'll throw in the black players for free.
gellaho
THE MASTER CYLINDER
FancyShark
Then to the restaurant to get Mr. Fabulous
gellaho
THE GAME AND FRENCH FRIES
LyraV
And he's all out of French Fries
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Then it's just Matt "Guitar" Murphy and "Blue" Lou Marini from the chicken joint.
gellaho
And what a game it is
FancyShark
He's in the hospital because he's homeless. Yeah, sure, I'll join you in Fantasy Land, Robert
So nice to see autism treated with respect
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Frend fried potaters, mm hmm.
gellaho
The beautiful game
FancyShark
They better hurry up before Wapner is on
gellaho
What fun
FancyShark
"I'm assembling a baseball team. First up, Renfield"
LyraV
This seems quite elaborate, nice of them to set this up for this random dude.
gellaho
This is going to be Matt's basic emotion from now on
FancyShark
I can't even joke about this. The special ed kids in high school included a guy that wouldn't shut up about ketchup if he got going
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Oh shit, there's gonna be a Renfield film with Nicholas Hoult starring, and Nic Cage as Dracula!
gellaho
Next!
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt
🍟 is a fantastic default emotion
FancyShark
Dennis Valentine better be a hard boiled detective
LyraV
I know what you mean.
gellaho
What
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt
Or a vampire accountant
LyraV
Like when you half-ass building in Fallout 4 is what I'm seeing.
FancyShark
Yes, broken rockets. Those things humans encounter all the time
gellaho
I'm a vampire, you see
Gentleman Brendan
William is the real hero here.
FancyShark
Hambone called it
gellaho
HE'S JUST SO BLAND!
Gentleman Brendan
I can honestly see this being a quality '80s comedy with Robin Williams in the Jack Nicholson role.
FancyShark
"Or maybe it was all the dead bodies"
Gentleman Brendan
The whitest man in history does not have an Italian name, sir.
gellaho
My music is for me, maaaaaaaaaaaan
FancyShark
duuuuuude
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Steel-wound nylon? Dude plays a classical acoustic!
FancyShark
Also, playing a drum set in an apartment automatically makes you deserve to be tried at the Hague
gellaho
So, wait, you are forfeiting the Earth then?
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt
It's not nysteel but I'll take it
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
How the fuck he gon get tremolo out of a Spanish guitar?
gellaho
NEXT!
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt
Grandpas guitar!
gellaho
Subtle
FancyShark
Norris is the muscle
HAHAHAHA
Gentleman Brendan
Valentine is built like an engine, but also remarkably unremarkable.
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
It's like saying "he really cranked the gain on his Steinway".
FancyShark
No, seriously, Robert. Great joke. What's the hospital's actual name?
Gentleman Brendan
How dare Jackson Memorial do that!!
gellaho
My adhesive strips are blushing
FancyShark
"No, I'm sorry. Women don't exist in baseball of the future. Goodbye."
gellaho
Norris with the rubber face
gellaho
The distant future of 2002
LyraV
He asked her to sit down at the nearest desk so he could gauge if she found him interesting.
FancyShark
Two years after THE YEAR TWO THOUSAND!
"Generating warmth" means he peed his pants
gellaho
✅ Redhead
FancyShark
You can finally relax, Brendan
Redhead quota met
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt
Lips moistened incoming?
LyraV
I was seriously going to make bet there would be no redheads this week.
gellaho
"Why are my pants so tight"
FancyShark
Wow, Robert. You insatiable romantic
Gentleman Brendan
These books all know.
gellaho
There's some Steele
gellaho
LyraV
He needs to read Billy Karate.
FancyShark
He could only find solace in standing at the university graveyard, staring at children
wait
gellaho
Meanwhile: trains exist
FancyShark
Fuck yeah. NOW we're getting some Chicago!
Gentleman Brendan
Of course in your primitive era, men were still capable of emotional expression.
LyraV
The railroad station is a railroad station.
gellaho
Metaphors are hard
FancyShark
lol
I think I'd rather be buried under rubble than try to sit through a priest's standup routine
Very few have comedy chops
gellaho
Maybe this was a bad idea? Nah
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
"But he could not cry, because the auburn-haired woman had made all the water go into his balls as pee."
LyraV
His toes encased in sweat and also socks.
FancyShark
Propel with noticeable lack of agility is a sick burn
gellaho
This is the kind of grit that you want from a pitcher
FancyShark
"Don't worry. To strengthen my arm, I've been masturbating since sunrise"
"As I'm sure you've all noticed"
gellaho
I hope you were a small child at the time
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
...was it a condition that he also tell them their exact season strategy?
gellaho
I also find that hard to believe
Gentleman Brendan
This tears it: baseball is apparently a form of government in this social fabric.
FancyShark
But remember that no one cares about baseball unless they do
gellaho
"Yeah, we're firing all those people. Anyway"
Gentleman Brendan
what the
gellaho
"This seems like an unnecessary amount of work"
Gentleman Brendan
it's not an element of surprise in november, Norbert.
LyraV
To fool all those baseball spies sent in by their enemies?
Gentleman Brendan
I have known sports journalists and I assure you most of this job is just calling up the office and reporting their official statements.
This is some kind of baseball military coup
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
After he already revealed how much exactly he'll be pitching?
FancyShark
This seems like the kind of procedure you'd use to get a diplomat through a warzone
gellaho
EVERYTHING MUST BE SECRET AND WEIRD
FancyShark
"You will each sit at a separate table in the Hawthorne Shopping Mall in Vernon Hills. Wait for the signal, then order a chicken quesadilla with NO MUSTARD. I repeat, NO MUSTARD"
gellaho
There are like a billion baseball games a year, I guarantee you will be going to more places
LyraV
All of our playing dates? Are you sure baseball daddy?
gellaho
WHEN WILL THE VEHICLE BE OPERATIONAL
FancyShark
"If we hit a cow, one hundred and forty-nine miles per hour"
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Okay, honestly, the most incredible thing so far is that anyone thinks you can take thirty cars to 150 mph on Amtrak rails in 2002.
gellaho
The world renowned undergrad stat professor
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Across the entire east and midwest.
FancyShark
You can, actually!
Just, y'know, for only a couple minutes before the next stop
gellaho
Listen, it's a private train which means it's magic
FancyShark
All trains are magic
Gentleman Brendan
What exactly are they concealing?
FancyShark
I assume there are baseball assassins
Gentleman Brendan
Amtrak can't even get 150mph on Amtrak.
FancyShark
Look, the blurb I read and didn't fact check said they can reach 150mph and I believed it
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Yeah their website says 150, max.
FancyShark
It probably is like how cars have speedometers that go up to 180mph. No one gets there, but it allegedly says it's possible
Gentleman Brendan
Cars are legally prohibited from reaching 196 because that's when you start to time travel in your time travel
Back to the Furious 3: Tokyo 1943 Drift
gellaho
Well, that boring paragraph was the end of Chapter 5. Good a place as any to stop. Coming up next week: practice!
Coming up next week: Practice!
FancyShark
Sounds good!
Thank you, @gellaho !
This was way crazier than expected
LyraV
This was not what I expected but also supremely awesome!
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt
Amazing book cage! Glad I could make it!
FancyShark
Phenomenal riffing, everybody! Chloe still wins