71: THE NEW AToms' BOMBSHELL Robert Browne

gellaho

I'm so lonely, and I can't remember who I am anymore

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah Norbert is gonna watch them lose every game, then yell "I WAS HIRED BY THE YANKEES!"

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

Also here's my even bigger beef with this guys methods: who the fuck teaches small ball anymore?

FancyShark

I want this to culminate in them learning they're actually fighting a ground war with alien invaders

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

You should care about launch angles and rocketing piss missiles 500 yards over the fence

FancyShark

Nope. Just a spirited game of catch

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah there's no reason to be concerned that a guy is so lonely hes creeping on a woman from ten thousand feet away because she smiled. Probably she was thinking about french fries, or kittens or something, but in his world, that was HIS smile.

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

Not this bullshit slap hitting and advancing runners

Like this isn't even good strategy

gellaho

UNCOVER LEVIATHAN

FancyShark

Computer says it works. What, you don't agree with computer?

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

Hahahaha

Last Chance to Beat the Javo

Unleash the Krakken rough draft

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

The problem is the actual computer says swing for the fences every time

Ozzie

They just yank a tarp off it

FancyShark

The Kraken also works for french fries

Juho

Ok so I'm drunk but bas the entire strategy been "voice-controlled robots"?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Leviathan is their genetically engineered black guy.

Gonna call him Levi for short.

Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas

What I say when I -

gellaho

This seems needlessly elaborate

gellaho

And ridiculous

Ozzie

Oh shit, they DID just yank a tarp off it

gellaho

Practice is best when completely by surprise and unexplained

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

Lol what

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Pitching machine set to "KILL!"

gellaho

It's a pitching machine, but stupid

LyraV

Have to bounce and get stuff done before among us later, everyone riff like mad awesome.

I'll see it later!

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

"BRING OUT: DIABLO" (pulls tarp off the 1st base coach)

FancyShark

later, @LyraV !

gellaho

"A task only I - Norbert! - is capable of and - what's that? They already have those? And they don't require punch cards?! Don't you lie to me!"

FancyShark

I refuse to see Leviathan as anything but Warbot

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

Breaking news: Tech bro thinks he invented batting practice

gellaho

"Of course, Michael/Matt experienced non of that humanness. Which is why he know stores his own urine"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"B....but Leviathan has armor piercing capabilities! He can atomize an infielder at 2 miles!"

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

Like literally all this shit is done by a 50 year old man hitting grounders to the infield right now

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Mikematt is becoming a real Phantom of the Baseball weirdo type.

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

You don't need leviathan you need a retired redneck

FancyShark

"Yeerrrrrrrr OUT!"

"LEVIATHAN COMMAND: EXECUTE BUNT PROTOCOL"

"OH SHIT! RUN! SO MANY KNIVES!"

gellaho

You are going to love this, then"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"His protocol for being kicked accidentally includes him deploying The Crushinator modules in his legs."

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

Lol

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Yessss touch the rubber."

FancyShark

Their strategy is tires

gellaho

Which is good because umpires are famously infallible

Brendan

This is so much tech when they could have just hired a retired MLB DH

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

We spent a million futurebuxx on something old men currently do as part of their coaching jobs

Brendan

We don't actually need home plate umps anymore.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And Norbert did this with like a million dollars no less.

FancyShark

"Unless it's cloudy. Then the umpire just yells out slurs."

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Even in the 80s this would have cost way more than a million dollars.

Brendan

In 1974 dollars, that's enough money to pay for the entire Harvard graduating class's tuition.

gellaho

"You will all meet my toilet chair! Michael, you sit there and sadly watch life fly by without you"

FancyShark

Or most of a tomato from Whole Foods

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

They still have to make out with a skeleton tho.

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

Also is there a dorkier way of describing this than "this is your finishing school?"

FancyShark

Nothing builds teamwork like solitary confinement

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Now he's paranoid that Valentine and Judy are together a lot.

gellaho

"You are a fucking loser, Michael. It's not like you own this team or anything"

Brendan

Are they still doing secrecy even on the way to their opening day game?

FancyShark

"A product of months of study"

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

Hahahaha

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"And pitching for your team is...............THIS RANDOM MUMMY LOOKING FUCK!"

FancyShark

They're not going to know who they're playing until the game is over

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

What if, and stick with me here, we make your changeup look like a fastball and the fastball look like a changeup?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"He's been lurking in the rafters for months! Watching your every move!"

FancyShark

SORCERER!

Brendan

I know I harp on this but Norbert disfigured himself cellar and attic to focus on stats, and then took a year's sabbatical to be distracted by this charmless pud.

FancyShark

<gollum><gollum>

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

This is how witch panics start.

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

Again he invented a junkballer who also throws an occasional 4 seamer to keep hitters honest

gellaho

One of the local sports writers writes about the villain lair stadium before being fired. Of course, nobody cares about baseball, so this won't really matter -

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

This is how you know he's never watched a game

FancyShark

Listen to me! There's a baseball stadium under Chicago! It was built by a madman!

Someone! Please!

gellaho

3/4 of the way through the book

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Wait.......he's fired because people don't care about baseball so aggressively that they hate people that write about it or because he wrote a story and nobody belives in the glass mushroom cloud in Lake Michigan?

Either one of those seems insane to me.

gellaho

Time to wax poetic

Brendan

The worst part is this guy's ridiculous sci-fi world perfectly predicted the mundane development of baseball.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

This is why nobody likes baseball anymore.

gellaho

He was going to be fired because he supported the AToms, so he decided to write about the crazy stadium on his last day

It's a whole subplot I skipped

FancyShark

lol

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

That is also insane.

gellaho

I always skip newspaper subplots

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Fair.

FancyShark

I like it all the more that you skipped it

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

Except it's boring in this future because of small ball and it's boring in our current times because of three true outcomes

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I appreciate the explanation.

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

The result is similar

Brendan

This guy wrote Field of Stupid Dreams

FancyShark

"Man loses career pointing out plot holes in the book" is a great subplot made better by being a throwaway gag

Brendan

Let's get rich writing a book about the beauty of baseball our dads will love I KNOW I STILL HAVE TO EDIT OUR LAST BOOK

gellaho

Go out there cold with a pitcher you've never practiced with

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

The only way this gets more than accidentally awesome is if theres a baseball kaiju that wrecks Chicago.

Brendan

I'm actually working on article assignments while we do this.

gellaho

Who's only practiced pitching, so the other team will be able to steal all the bases they want

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

Hahahaha

Yeah warm ups are for losers, let's read more

gellaho

I'm not sure if Robert Browne knows you can steal bases

He has not talked about it

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

It's almost like the author doesn't know even basic shit about baseball.

FancyShark

That's going to be the big twist/secret move

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Like not even stuff youd know about via cultural osmosis.

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

It sounds like he read an encyclopedia Brittanica article about baseball and decided that was all the research he needed

gellaho

At least five rules being broken here

FancyShark

Again, I want to know what information he was given about baseball for this. Did he ignore it or did his sources just fuck with him?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Is the author some kind of in-vitro tube man who was raised by a cult in the middle of the woods and the only game he knows is Pepper?

gellaho

Not to mention how fucking heavy a air conditioned hazmat suit must be

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Is Pepper something his baseball guys made up to fuck with him?!

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

Also how not suspicious the hazmat suits look

Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas

Yup.

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

Definitely nothing fishy here! No sir

Brendan

Completely legal team uniforms.

Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas

It's like how you never look twice at a guy in a beekeeper uniform

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also if everyone hates baseball who is even going to come watch these games?

gellaho

Where's the AC unit, Browne?

Brendan

Again, we are supposed to be rooting for the cheaters.

STORM SHADOW!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Baseball ninja!

FancyShark

"People in the crowd, do not panic at the players wearing gear that indicates you might die. Enjoy a free onion ring."

Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas

Ohhhh I get it

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

SNAKE EYES IS ON THE YANKEES!

Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas

Their socks are the colour of the stadium walls

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

This was a GI Joe comic the whole time!

gellaho

I don't believe you

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

Oh damn I didn't know that AToms translated means Houston Astros

FancyShark

Now you know

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I dont believe anyone is in the stands.

Brendan

One free onion ring is worth 20 fries, though. Have they tried bribing Space Lenny with onion rings?

Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas

I'll never get used to american unit conversions

FancyShark

Dude fuckin' mauls for some rings

gellaho

Oh, his first game as a MLB pitcher was overwhelming and momentous?

gellaho

I never would have guessed

Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas

Well, that and the heatstroke from his uniform

FancyShark

This better end with sniper fire

gellaho

Maybe should have done more than read and stretch his fingers

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Its almost like there are stakes.

But not really?

gellaho

Hello?

FancyShark

The stakes for Michael are that he won't get a shitload of money. And we care about him because he's your simple everyman tenured college professor

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Norbert did some eye shit to Mikematt too!

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

Oh fuck I forgot to learn baseball!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Gave him robot eyes!

gellaho

The exact same amount of money he could have gotten by signing away the team

Just enough time to build chemistry with a catcher

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

Hahaha ten minutes of warm up pitches!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

hehehehehehe "beating his mitt"

FancyShark

Because spectators casually pay attention to the only thing happening at a baseball game

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Nobody is getting their futurepast hotdogs.

Or beers.

Or drinking those beers thru their hotdogs.

Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas

Well baseball is famous for a whole bunch of action happening all at once

FancyShark

They certainly don't watch it unblinking, hoping the game will end. End. END AND SET US FREE SO WE CAN GET TO THE CAR

gellaho

It's almost like he should have practiced fielding

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

It's almost like slowly tossing a ball underhand at a professional ball player is a real fucking stupid thing to do.

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

It might also help to not be wearing a hazmat suit

Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas

I'm telling you, the prank reveal is coming so soon

gellaho

A bunch of bunts load the bases, people get mad at Matt/Michael for not mastering baseball from YouTube tutorials

Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas

They should just send the Leviathan out to pitch. No way the fans or the umpire will notice at this point.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Someone is gonna run out there and yank Mikematts pants down and everyone will laugh at his dick.

God this book would be so awesome if they atomized the batter, umpire and catcher with a robut.

Brendan

hahaha norbert trained him in everything except fielding a grounder

gellaho

It's going great

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

And then he walks in two runs

gellaho

Robert Browne also invented a bunch of teams

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahhahaa I dont even have context for this and it sounds like a pathetic performance.

Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas

wait wait this is unrealistic

They have fans?

gellaho

I think he only knows the Yankees

Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas

I may have found the book's one and only plothole

Brendan

The book was quite clear Chicago turned out to watch them eat shit

This is pro wrestling with deep dish pizza.

Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas

Well, give the crowd what they want

Brendan

CHICAGO-STYLE PIZZA IS FOR CLOSERS

gellaho

Great start

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Man I want a pizza right now.

Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas

Unless it's deep dish pizza, fuck those creeps

Brendan

All that secrecy and they gobbled a dank

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

Wait so they juiced the bases in the first and two runs walked in and they still only scored 8 runs

Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas

I guess cheaters never prosper?

Next time send Matt out in a giant mecha

Brendan

The Senators, for all we know, are a ragtag team with golden hearts bad news bearsing their way forward.

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

Hahaha

This is a good point

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Matt trips his mecha on its own feet, it falls and he rolls out of the cockpit with his pants down. Everyone laughs at his naked dick and balls and ass.

gellaho

Matt/Michael meets the grounds keeper for some nightly cliches

Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas

hehe cockpit

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

Played by Morgan Freeman

gellaho

"Forget that I said most of the fans left early last chapter"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Yeah if you dont keep playing til the end of the game, we all cant see the full extent of how garbage you are."

FancyShark

Fans love watching failure from the team they did/didn't care about

gellaho

You and Robert Browne are on the same page

gellaho

That can't feel good

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Beloved" AToms.

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

Also how old is this book

FancyShark

"Here are the home addresses of all the players and the names of their children's schools"

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

Feels like the Dodgers should have been in LA by then

Brendan

Who's taking bets the groundskeeper is Elon Musk Guy incognito, having faked his death?

gellaho

"You want details of how? Fuck you, reader"

FancyShark

Well I am NOW

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahahaha whaaaaaat?!

They WON!?

No.

Brendan

I have edited so many schlocky hacks to know their next moves.

gellaho

Hey, hey. Tom at least was talented enough to play baseball

Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas

Oh man. These people have it bad enough, they don't need to find out Elon Musk is alive too.

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

The first game they were bad, now they're good. No FUQS

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Norbert bribed the umpire.

gellaho

He was a former baseball player. I don't know where you guys came up with the billionaire technocrat thing

Brendan

None taken, none given

FancyShark

Yes, reader, they sucked their first game. But I need to get the story moving, so they won.

Brendan

I mean he built an architecturally impossible stadium with a boring tunnel

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

He had that energy, you know?

FancyShark

Every person in this that isn't playing baseball is a SPECTRE admin

gellaho

Professor Norbert did that

With $5 million

Brendan

He was rich, and on paper, admirable, but his flimsy ego and BPD led him to lash out. He was billionaire Tom Musk

gellaho

Somehow

Almost got it. But that's closer to the football team, Robert

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also missed the opportunity to clone himself, and staff his team entirely with identical guys named Tom, and therefore each man would be A Tom.

gellaho

No psychic points for you

gellaho

1980

Brendan

Tampa Privateers.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

How the fuck are they winning games?!

Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas

I kind of love that name tbh

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

The Devil Ray wasn't invented until the 90s though

FancyShark

Leviathan

It has to be

Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas

They put a baseball hat on him and noone noticed when they switched him in

FancyShark

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Well there's no rule AGAINST total body disruption.............."

gellaho

Michael/Matt has completely succumbed

FancyShark

"Wow. They sure grow 'em big in Chicago!"

Michael/Matt has gone mad with starting pitcher power

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

When you start questioning the value of independent thought, you are in the thrall of a villain.

DOCTOR PARADISE!!! has become a henchman.

FancyShark

Yeah. This is the middle act of a cult movie

Not a cult hit. I mean a movie about cults

gellaho

"Michael/Matt was also sequestered on his carriage like the man in the iron mask"

FancyShark

Mike/Matt is going to give birth to a demon child in the next act

Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas

What's her position again?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Mikematt is so disconnected from reality if she accidentally bumps into him he thinks "Nice, I got laid."

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

Right now she's playing Left Out

gellaho

Oh, that's sad

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

🥲

Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas

Swelling ardor

I'm the horniest bitch in the world and even I'm grossed out

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Turgid and throbbing baseball victory.

gellaho

Technically designated hitter, but she hasn't played yet

I believe she is the titular bombshell

Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas

With her weak little woman arms???

Oh right, they want the ball hit gentle

FancyShark

Swollen, pustule amorousness for baseball

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

She has the power of COMPUTERS on her side

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Moist and glistening sports.

FancyShark

The clammy All American pastime

gellaho

That's the problem with the uniform, sure

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Sweating and aroused for bunting.

gellaho

Tie the outfit around the waist? What does that mean?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"HEYYYYYYYYY! The belt on that guys radiation suit is too lose! ILLEGAL!"

FancyShark

"I'm Robert Browne and I know why women shouldn't play baseball"

Brendan

Have we ever seen Judy give Mattchael even a single signal?

gellaho

Oh, yeah. Get that uniform tight. real tight

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

All the baboons start hooting "A WOMAN IN BASEBALL!? SACRILEGE! SACRIFICE! SACRIFICE!"

FancyShark

I don't believe so

gellaho

She may or may not have looked at him once

FancyShark

oh man, Mike/Matt, you're worse than high-school me

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Her ample, glistening breasts, heaving for baseball supremacy.

Brendan

Baseball is the least sex of our sports.

Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas

It really is

Brendan

If it weren't for the bases of teenage fumbling, baseball would be zero sexual metaphor.

Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas

baseball players are the least fuckable of all professional athletes

gellaho

Very subtle

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

Counterpoint:

FancyShark

Which is weird, considering the amount of time people spend gripping a hard cylindrical object

Brendan

FOOTBALL, by GOD, AMERICAN GOD, that is conquest. We INVADE territory! We INTERCEPT agents of--wait, shit, what state am I in?