62: Time Blender Michael Dorn (with Hillary Hemmingway and Jeffrey P. Lindsay)

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Samurai warriors battle Egyptian gods on the Island of No-Return!

Archive

gellaho

Love Hulk Hogan mustaches, hate herbs

Brendanonymous

But the girl appeared to be suffering from a bacterial infection

FlippantSausage

One of the five things I know about Japan is that, yes, weed is SUPER duper illegal.

Brendanonymous

THE PLANE! That was it!

FlippantSausage

SO this is accurate.

Brendanonymous

Miller tossed open the first aid kit: There! Right below the antibiotics: CONDOMS!

gellaho

Plenty of time to party again

Brendanonymous

To the side, Eolas's mother softly wept.

FlippantSausage

Exactly what he would need to carry water to rehydrate after fucking!

Brendanonymous

Oh yeah, you timeblend, you don't wrap it up.

You sire an entire planet.

FlippantSausage

Raw dogging across time and space, cos its MILLER TIME!

Brendanonymous

I mean syph wasn't even an STD at that point, you could get it shaking hands, why bother protecting just the junk?

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Just in case you're part of a time loop and need to be your own ancestor

gellaho

Miller is more worried about returning the Artifact to the future space dudes than him being stuck in the Time Blender

FlippantSausage

Being like 3\5ths of your own family tree prevents chrono-disjunction!

gellaho

Fuck you, Celts. Your beer is sad

FlippantSausage

Fuck you Miller! They just know you suck and aren't worth the good stuff!

Brendanonymous

I wonder how many generations have to pass before your great^x grandkids are basically no different from a third cousin.

Like at what point does Vandal Savage get to date again?

gellaho

I wonder why the black man feels a sense of foreigness among the ancient Celts.

gellaho

I can quite put my finger on why that would be

I'm sure Miller will figure it out

Brendanonymous

warm and flat, just like UC spring break

Brendanonymous

Because they're the first white people to not be a little bit shitty to him.

FlippantSausage

He's not one of those damn Time Samurai or a Roman, so he seems cool. SEEMS cool.

gellaho

Riker would be very sad to hear you say that

FlippantSausage

He's not balls deep in their druid yet.

gellaho

An old man tells a story via coughing

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

This is just a travelogue of Miller getting drunk and contaminating cultures

Miller mistakes a scottish accent for coughing, which, fair.

FlippantSausage

Miller is now introduced to the ancient Celtic practice called "acting"

Brendanonymous

This happened 1000 years before Riker

gellaho

The old man somehow tells a song-story about what just happened. He's the greatest man in the world once again

gellaho

I think you are forgetting we're in the TIME BLENDER

Brendanonymous

They don't know what the Artifact is and drinking beer is what Celtic heroes do.

Later, Mara would squat in a gully and create a river of menses to thwart the samurai. From its banks would spring the one known only as Millargh

...that joke will only make sense to Wombat

gellaho

She wasn't an uggo, like all the Berkeley druids he knew

Brendanonymous

My dude, Yuki won't be born for 700 years.

She's the past AND the future.

Also, pretty sure you said bye.

FlippantSausage

When they tell the story he will probably be at least nine feet tall and his bones will rotate in his skin.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Most recent conclusions jumped to: Miller thinks the celts revere him as a hero and consider it a foregone conclusion that Mara is going to bone him

Brendanonymous

So a fun fact about the Celtic women was they enjoyed a very modern sexual liberation, and perhaps one with more advantages over ours despite obvious contraceptive/abortifacient disadvantages.

gellaho

Simon Hawke ghostwrote a sentence here

FlippantSausage

She spoke, moistly.

Brendanonymous

I read a tale of some Celtic queen being agog that Jute women or Saxon or some gunk didn't sample men before picking one.

She felt legitimately bad for this lady, like "You buy the fruit without giving it a squeeze?"

gellaho

A celtic thief? Unthinkable!

FlippantSausage

Queen Maeve could reputedly outfuck a guy who was famous for not fucking less than seven women at a time.

Brendanonymous

...God, I miss dating a redhead.

LyraV 42Dukes

Oh they all say that until we get a wee bit stabby then the crying starts.

FlippantSausage

If you cant take a somewhat perforated epidermis then you don't deserve a redhead.

gellaho

Miller has a dream vision. Prattles on about how it can't be real, then realizes it might be real

gellaho

Miller has already forgotten about the ruins of the Tahitian air control tower

gellaho

And the Samurai

LyraV 42Dukes

Also the plot

FlippantSausage

Also he totally forgot he has maps?

And that like....Northern Europe has been there for like......a real long time.

gellaho

His airplane exploded, so the maps are gone

When the samurai went up the plane didn't survive

FlippantSausage

I'm sure he can just condense a new one like he did with the cans of gas.

Or maybe find one in the airport.

gellaho

I knew it was the goddamned hippies all along

FlippantSausage

Okay yeah he's got us there.

If someone wanted to like undo time itself, California would be the place to start.

gellaho

Working a little worse than when he was making up Polynesian earlier

Jaime

I've not read this book, but first of all, I find it VERY suspect that “Celtic people” are entirely wonderful and gentle and would NEVER EVER STEAL THINGS FROM A WEIRD GUY WHO SHOWED UP OUT OF NOWHERE NOPE. 😉

FlippantSausage

Now she's just fucking with him, she heard what he said.

LyraV 42Dukes

I'm starting to feel like this whole book is just about everyone being less cool and eloquent than Dorn.

Tony, I mean Tony

Jaime

I'm from the East Coast, but even so I expect the stereotype of West Coast people who worship crystals and have ashrams and are Buddhists and regularly visit Area 51 might…not be completely accurate. But then again HOW DO YOU KNOW I'M NOT AN ALIEN IN A HUMAN SKIN? 👽

Brendanonymous

Have you heard of a state called Oklahoma?

gellaho

Tony somehow gets them to take him to the Tahitian coast. Which is icy, as well all know

gellaho

Where they encounter a suspicious bush

FlippantSausage

Oklahoma just makes you WANT to end existence, if you live in Oklahoma you are too depressed to really work up to doing it. Plus you have to spend all that time putting your Doom Tesseract back together after the tornado spreads it from hell to breakfast.

Brendanonymous

See, I gave it the benefit, too, but then I visited Malibu and Big Sur.

gellaho

What is this, some kind of Time Blender?

Brendanonymous

I dunno, OKC and Tulsa seem pretty banging, but my cousin had to flee their war on educators and this week the governor said only non-pregnant women can get abortions.

FlippantSausage

Guess the temperature kind of shoots down it being Berkeley, huh, Miller? FAmously icy Berkeley?

Brendanonymous

The bay can get cold!

Especially to homeless people.

Which I guess Miller is.

gellaho

Well, say goodbye to the Celts.

Jaime

I WISH you were joking. 😢

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

The necklace is going to be like that one item in a sierra adventure game you have to keep with you the whole game.

FlippantSausage

And never does anything because its part of the copy protection you did at the start.

gellaho

Once alone, Tony Miller falls off a cliff? Off time?

gellaho
FlippantSausage

AGH! BETRAYED BY MY LACK OF GETTING A LIGHT! CURSE YOU DARKNESS!

gellaho

Suddenly, graffiti

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

He just Mr Magoo'd his way into another primitive culture to fuck up

gellaho

Ancient Egyptian, 3-D graffiti

FlippantSausage

Osiris being a huge Zoids fan.

Brendanonymous

@A Wombat -- how many of your academic friends are Osiris weebs?

gellaho

Suddenly, comic books

Brendanonymous

Because I got a couple numbers from being able to name the Eye of Horus on girls' shoulder tattoos.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Miller sees an ankh and assumes ancient Egyptians, and not goths.

gellaho

Australian comic books

A Wombat

None of them are that interesting, unfortunately.

LyraV 42Dukes

Celts and Cockneys

FlippantSausage

One of the less known D&D spin offs.

A Wombat

But I know two people who argued over how accurate Gods of Egypt was.

gellaho

Australian comic book bullies

FlippantSausage

"Its totally impossible I just tripped and fell in the dark, these suspiciously accented persons must have pushed me!"

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

The future Aussie tosses his can of Victoria bitter aside and goes to fuck up Miller.

Brendanonymous

These Australians feel like a British strain.

gellaho

Possessed Australian comic book gangbangers

FlippantSausage

Throwing vocab shade too.

Intellectuals they are.

gellaho

Egyptian-Australian possessed comic book gangbangers

Jaime

I teach English, and from now on I PROMISE to tell my students: “You need to build up your word-power, you do!” 😛

FlippantSausage

If 90s thugs could appreciate anything it was Osiris, God of the Dead and Lord of Postmortem cummies.

gellaho

I'm sure Miller's bronze knife will defeat this laser knife

Brendanonymous

"Now tha fehst thing you'd bloody waaaall better know about us is we DON'T DRINK FOSTER'S HERE, ya cunt."

Hi, Australia, I know your heart.

FlippantSausage

Australian laser knife!

RAD!

Brendanonymous

Some sort of saber made of light.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Now that is a knife.

Paul Hogan, get fucked

gellaho

Well, something happened. And he's passed out

FlippantSausage

Also this is the part where that OG Star Trek music kicks in. You know the one.

Brendanonymous

You don't know these aren't both Paul Hogan pulled from different times.

gellaho

Interesante

Brendanonymous

Simon Hawke is buying what Dorn is selling.

FlippantSausage

Yes I too have the problem where I pass out and ejaculate when an Aussie with a laser knife tries to gut me.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

That song was such a banger.

gellaho

So ponderous are my arms

gellaho

I always call my wounds moist spots

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Man, finding out what the wetness is is always going to be unpleasant.

Brendanonymous

Hey, mara's back!

gellaho

Also, the ancient Celts are back. Somehow

FlippantSausage

She followed him thru time!

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

And off a cliff?

Brendanonymous

Maybe it's kisses from Mara's moist lips

FlippantSausage

The faithful redheaded witch, man's best friend.

gellaho

So, actual magic then? Ok

gellaho

I guess why not

FlippantSausage

Or she has a secret laser knife and is cauterizing his wounds and he's too numb to feel pain.

LyraV 42Dukes

If they're not careful she might develop an actual personality and speak a sentence or something.

FlippantSausage

But its probably magic.

Sexy sexy magic.

That she does moistly.

gellaho

I guess the future Australians found this cave? That Miller somehow was brought to?

FlippantSausage

I've decided that since Zoid is a person, its a punk version of Zoidberg from Futurama.

Also this is hardly a problem, Mara will probably fuck them up.

LyraV 42Dukes

Zoid is always talking that shite.

gellaho

Giants can't resist redheads with ancient knives

FlippantSausage

Who can?

gellaho

He becomes very hornily detracted

Brendanonymous

Zoid is the Australian overmind megaprocessor in a converted Sydney Opera House. It stands for "Ztruth! Oi, Dekho"

FlippantSausage

The fuck kind of exclamation is "Eee-Hah"?

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Michael Dorn thinks it's Australian.

gellaho

What? Knives can stab? Why didn't anyone tell me!

FlippantSausage

Is Millers hearing cutting out and this guy just did a yeehaw?

Brendanonymous

Kek kek kek

LyraV 42Dukes

No notes

FlippantSausage

Hahahahah I said shed fuck them up.

Brendanonymous

Lyra called the stabbing before Chekhov's dagger even showed up.

gellaho

Secret weapon: attack with more than one person

FlippantSausage

God I love that every 90s gang had to have a guy named Spider or something to be taken seriously.

It's so very The Crow.

gellaho

And some fun necrophilia

FlippantSausage

"Nobody asked you? Do you understand what is happening here?"

gellaho

The reality talent show The Voice tells Miller to pretend to be a god

LyraV 42Dukes

'I'm all set!' shouts Miller as he's stabbed to death

Brendanonymous

Spider:gangs::Deke:special forces

gellaho

Miller overcomes the huge obstacle of chapped lips to prevent this sexual assault

FlippantSausage

Okay of all the gods to impersonate, the god with a dogish head seems the easiest to disprove.

Brendanonymous

Future he-men are so superstitious

gellaho

For certs, good-o

Brendanonymous

Actually I met a Zoroastrian girl at the bar once after goggling at/IDing her Ahura Mazda tattoo, so maybe Australians just dig old-time religions

gellaho

Only healthy ice for Michael Dorn

FlippantSausage

Going thru biomes like its fucking Minecraft.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Everybody knows your dirt will rust if you leave it out in the rain

Jazz Ramb$ne Gracie

It happened in Australia

FlippantSausage

And you never can quite get the rust out of your dirt after that.

gellaho

Osiris got some thicc rifles

FlippantSausage

Miller, a thick rifle is called a cannon. I know you're an anthropologist so I forgive you.

Brendanonymous

If you can just dodge all the lunatics with blades, life in the time-blender sounds sweet.

gellaho

Miller's a genius

Brendanonymous

You've got redheads, you've got BBQ boar, the seasons are gorgeous and every few minutes.

gellaho

It's 99.5% lunatics with blades

FlippantSausage

And laser knives!

To be fair a few days ago Miller had a Gravity Smusher Box so if he had just done his due diligence with the bungee cords he'd be Lord Humongous in no time.

gellaho

Future liquid

Brendanonymous

This is the worst time blend.

FlippantSausage

"PIPES? LIQUID? WHAT FUTURE SORCERY IS THIS!?"

LyraV 42Dukes

No Samurai here....yet.

gellaho

The Luxor has equipped itself with future pipes

FlippantSausage

I'm gonna need a samurai with a laser katana up ins.

These futuristic gang members have a sweet setup!

fucking pyramid and everything!

Brendanonymous

That's just a Jedi.

LyraV 42Dukes

Future Sauron is pleased with all this.

gellaho

Future car liquid

FlippantSausage

It's like the TMNT movie with the Foot Clan headquarters being all rad, do they got any cigarettes?

gellaho

Toilet transportation

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Regular or menthol?

FlippantSausage

And do they have Narc?

gellaho

The inefficiency of this transport bothers Miller

gellaho

Because the rest seems fine

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

To be fair it is an exceptionally stupid method of transportation

FlippantSausage

Miller is really not appreciating the radness of his surroundings properly.

gellaho

They loot for the love of looting, not the actual looted items

FlippantSausage

Also he needs to understand, he's going to have his heart jerked out and weighed soon.

And since he liquified that dude, its deffo gonna weigh more than a feather.

LyraV 42Dukes

This is such densely packed nonsense I fucking love it.

gellaho

Miller forgot the whole deal with the Artifact exploding

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

To say nothing of all those kids.

FlippantSausage

Hmmm......its like these periods of history are.....merging together in some kind of CronoMix?

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Miller has an extremely poor short term memory.

gellaho

Engage dumb thug protocols

gellaho

@FancyShark always misses the sharks

FlippantSausage

It would have to be crocodiles to stay on theme.

But sharks are cooler.

gellaho

He recognized Osiris from all the ancient Egyptian photographs

Brendanonymous

if the water swirls in the time-blender does it do it clockwise or counter-clockwise or does it depend on if the Australian GMO hunks flush it?

Wait, this is Stargate

Dorn just smashed a Star Trek episode pitch into a Stargate pitch

FlippantSausage

Three years after Stargate happened!

So he was like "Well I have this movie Idea but I got beat to the punch....."

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

He was hoping for a writer credit on SG-1

FlippantSausage

"Might as well use that TNG cred."

gellaho

I think this three-headed beast of a writing team confused Osiris with Horus

FlippantSausage

Oh for SHAME!

I expected better research from Worf.

gellaho

Well known invertibrate, the hawk

FancyShark

DAMMIT!

FlippantSausage

And this ruins my "Lord of Postmortem Cummies" joke.

LyraV 42Dukes

That floppy boneless grace.

FlippantSausage

Boneless, moist grace.

FancyShark

What'd I miss? Flaccid Egyptian gods?

gellaho

This Osiris really gave up the ghost quick

gellaho

Fuck, man

There are Australian gang Egyptians with future technology, Celts, Samurai

We are in the Time Blender

FlippantSausage

They put "bio" in front of genetic, that's how you know its scientific and futury

FancyShark

daaaaaaamn

FlippantSausage

THE CRONOSMOOTHIES SHALL BE READY SHORTLY!

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Dorn learned that from star trek

FlippantSausage

EONS SHALL PASS AND ALSO NO TIME AT ALL BEFORE THE EPOCHAL MARGARITAS ARE FINISHED!

LyraV 42Dukes

He found another intelligent and beautiful woman who can't speak his language but is drawn to MIchael, I mean Miller.

FancyShark

lol

of course

gellaho

"I mean, you're supposed to look like a regular dude and not a hawk-man. And I'm supposed to have a dog head, but let's get this myth right"

gellaho

Oy, guv, this sure is weird

FancyShark

Yew been oll barmy, eh wot?

LyraV 42Dukes

"Because your water tube society sucks Osiris"

gellaho

Five foot laser blade seems dangerous

FancyShark

Weapon set to "copyright infringement"

gellaho

Oh, right. There was another person

FlippantSausage

USE YOUR CHI! MILLER! USE YOUR CHIIIIIIIIIIIIII!

FancyShark

Did he explain he's tenured?

gellaho

Oh, no, hologram

gellaho
LyraV 42Dukes

I think he's forgotten what he's supposed to be doing at this point.

gellaho

Who could have forseen that the hawk-headed man was an illusion!

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

A hawk headed man is perfect mundane, but a non corporeal hawk headed man?

Madness

FancyShark

Bigbird 9000

gellaho

How can the non corporeal man go through doors

FlippantSausage

Im beginning to think someone got confused and forgot Miller is a anthropology professor and now thinks he is a Conan expy.

gellaho

So outrageous for the man who can phase through the laser sword go through doors

FlippantSausage

Just stumbling dick first into everything.

FancyShark

His classes must be fun

gellaho

If only I were the Roadrunner

FlippantSausage

"BAH! More of your future sorcery!"

LyraV 42Dukes

WHY IS OSIRIS TRYING TO KILL ME?

gellaho

Ah, secret door

gellaho

Pointless secret door

FancyShark

Bumps right into Shaggy and Scooby

FlippantSausage

Man fuck this goddam book for injuring Mara by making her run into a wall like its the Three Stooges.

FancyShark

Osiris taunts like a TV hostage taker

gellaho

I guess why not at this point

FlippantSausage

Of course.

FancyShark

Sure. That might as well happen.

FlippantSausage

You HAVE to have a proper pit trap.

Its like a rule.

gellaho

Plenty of time to perv

FlippantSausage

If Miller doesn't wrassle a robot snake or a crocodile im gonna be sad.

FancyShark

"Wow! You're not fat or old!"

"Uh, Miller? The angry god?"

gellaho

"Oh, right, the sharks. I'm so forgetful"

FancyShark

Yayyy!

FlippantSausage

dun dun. dun dun.....dundundundundun.....

gellaho

Mara appreciates the shark impression