gellaho
Love Hulk Hogan mustaches, hate herbs
Love Hulk Hogan mustaches, hate herbs
But the girl appeared to be suffering from a bacterial infection
One of the five things I know about Japan is that, yes, weed is SUPER duper illegal.
THE PLANE! That was it!
SO this is accurate.
Miller tossed open the first aid kit: There! Right below the antibiotics: CONDOMS!
Plenty of time to party again
To the side, Eolas's mother softly wept.
Exactly what he would need to carry water to rehydrate after fucking!
Oh yeah, you timeblend, you don't wrap it up.
You sire an entire planet.
Raw dogging across time and space, cos its MILLER TIME!
I mean syph wasn't even an STD at that point, you could get it shaking hands, why bother protecting just the junk?
Just in case you're part of a time loop and need to be your own ancestor
Miller is more worried about returning the Artifact to the future space dudes than him being stuck in the Time Blender
Being like 3\5ths of your own family tree prevents chrono-disjunction!
Fuck you, Celts. Your beer is sad
Fuck you Miller! They just know you suck and aren't worth the good stuff!
I wonder how many generations have to pass before your great^x grandkids are basically no different from a third cousin.
Like at what point does Vandal Savage get to date again?
I wonder why the black man feels a sense of foreigness among the ancient Celts.
I can quite put my finger on why that would be
I'm sure Miller will figure it out
warm and flat, just like UC spring break
Because they're the first white people to not be a little bit shitty to him.
He's not one of those damn Time Samurai or a Roman, so he seems cool. SEEMS cool.
Riker would be very sad to hear you say that
He's not balls deep in their druid yet.
An old man tells a story via coughing
This is just a travelogue of Miller getting drunk and contaminating cultures
Miller mistakes a scottish accent for coughing, which, fair.
Miller is now introduced to the ancient Celtic practice called "acting"
This happened 1000 years before Riker
The old man somehow tells a song-story about what just happened. He's the greatest man in the world once again
I think you are forgetting we're in the TIME BLENDER
They don't know what the Artifact is and drinking beer is what Celtic heroes do.
Later, Mara would squat in a gully and create a river of menses to thwart the samurai. From its banks would spring the one known only as Millargh
...that joke will only make sense to Wombat
She wasn't an uggo, like all the Berkeley druids he knew
My dude, Yuki won't be born for 700 years.
She's the past AND the future.
Also, pretty sure you said bye.
When they tell the story he will probably be at least nine feet tall and his bones will rotate in his skin.
Most recent conclusions jumped to: Miller thinks the celts revere him as a hero and consider it a foregone conclusion that Mara is going to bone him
So a fun fact about the Celtic women was they enjoyed a very modern sexual liberation, and perhaps one with more advantages over ours despite obvious contraceptive/abortifacient disadvantages.
Simon Hawke ghostwrote a sentence here
She spoke, moistly.
I read a tale of some Celtic queen being agog that Jute women or Saxon or some gunk didn't sample men before picking one.
She felt legitimately bad for this lady, like "You buy the fruit without giving it a squeeze?"
A celtic thief? Unthinkable!
Queen Maeve could reputedly outfuck a guy who was famous for not fucking less than seven women at a time.
...God, I miss dating a redhead.
Oh they all say that until we get a wee bit stabby then the crying starts.
If you cant take a somewhat perforated epidermis then you don't deserve a redhead.
Miller has a dream vision. Prattles on about how it can't be real, then realizes it might be real
Miller has already forgotten about the ruins of the Tahitian air control tower
And the Samurai
Also the plot
Also he totally forgot he has maps?
And that like....Northern Europe has been there for like......a real long time.
His airplane exploded, so the maps are gone
When the samurai went up the plane didn't survive
I'm sure he can just condense a new one like he did with the cans of gas.
Or maybe find one in the airport.
I knew it was the goddamned hippies all along
Okay yeah he's got us there.
If someone wanted to like undo time itself, California would be the place to start.
Working a little worse than when he was making up Polynesian earlier
I've not read this book, but first of all, I find it VERY suspect that “Celtic people” are entirely wonderful and gentle and would NEVER EVER STEAL THINGS FROM A WEIRD GUY WHO SHOWED UP OUT OF NOWHERE NOPE. 😉
Now she's just fucking with him, she heard what he said.
I'm starting to feel like this whole book is just about everyone being less cool and eloquent than Dorn.
Tony, I mean Tony
I'm from the East Coast, but even so I expect the stereotype of West Coast people who worship crystals and have ashrams and are Buddhists and regularly visit Area 51 might…not be completely accurate. But then again HOW DO YOU KNOW I'M NOT AN ALIEN IN A HUMAN SKIN? 👽
Have you heard of a state called Oklahoma?
Tony somehow gets them to take him to the Tahitian coast. Which is icy, as well all know
Where they encounter a suspicious bush
Oklahoma just makes you WANT to end existence, if you live in Oklahoma you are too depressed to really work up to doing it. Plus you have to spend all that time putting your Doom Tesseract back together after the tornado spreads it from hell to breakfast.
See, I gave it the benefit, too, but then I visited Malibu and Big Sur.
What is this, some kind of Time Blender?
I dunno, OKC and Tulsa seem pretty banging, but my cousin had to flee their war on educators and this week the governor said only non-pregnant women can get abortions.
Guess the temperature kind of shoots down it being Berkeley, huh, Miller? FAmously icy Berkeley?
The bay can get cold!
Especially to homeless people.
Which I guess Miller is.
Well, say goodbye to the Celts.
I WISH you were joking. 😢
The necklace is going to be like that one item in a sierra adventure game you have to keep with you the whole game.
And never does anything because its part of the copy protection you did at the start.
Once alone, Tony Miller falls off a cliff? Off time?
AGH! BETRAYED BY MY LACK OF GETTING A LIGHT! CURSE YOU DARKNESS!
Suddenly, graffiti
He just Mr Magoo'd his way into another primitive culture to fuck up
Ancient Egyptian, 3-D graffiti
Osiris being a huge Zoids fan.
@A Wombat -- how many of your academic friends are Osiris weebs?
Suddenly, comic books
Because I got a couple numbers from being able to name the Eye of Horus on girls' shoulder tattoos.
Miller sees an ankh and assumes ancient Egyptians, and not goths.
Australian comic books
None of them are that interesting, unfortunately.
Celts and Cockneys
One of the less known D&D spin offs.
But I know two people who argued over how accurate Gods of Egypt was.
Australian comic book bullies
"Its totally impossible I just tripped and fell in the dark, these suspiciously accented persons must have pushed me!"
The future Aussie tosses his can of Victoria bitter aside and goes to fuck up Miller.
These Australians feel like a British strain.
Possessed Australian comic book gangbangers
Throwing vocab shade too.
Intellectuals they are.
Egyptian-Australian possessed comic book gangbangers
I teach English, and from now on I PROMISE to tell my students: “You need to build up your word-power, you do!” 😛
If 90s thugs could appreciate anything it was Osiris, God of the Dead and Lord of Postmortem cummies.
I'm sure Miller's bronze knife will defeat this laser knife
"Now tha fehst thing you'd bloody waaaall better know about us is we DON'T DRINK FOSTER'S HERE, ya cunt."
Hi, Australia, I know your heart.
Australian laser knife!
RAD!
Some sort of saber made of light.
Now that is a knife.
Paul Hogan, get fucked
Well, something happened. And he's passed out
Also this is the part where that OG Star Trek music kicks in. You know the one.
You don't know these aren't both Paul Hogan pulled from different times.
Interesante
Simon Hawke is buying what Dorn is selling.
Yes I too have the problem where I pass out and ejaculate when an Aussie with a laser knife tries to gut me.
That song was such a banger.
So ponderous are my arms
I always call my wounds moist spots
Man, finding out what the wetness is is always going to be unpleasant.
Hey, mara's back!
Also, the ancient Celts are back. Somehow
She followed him thru time!
And off a cliff?
Maybe it's kisses from Mara's moist lips
The faithful redheaded witch, man's best friend.
So, actual magic then? Ok
I guess why not
Or she has a secret laser knife and is cauterizing his wounds and he's too numb to feel pain.
If they're not careful she might develop an actual personality and speak a sentence or something.
But its probably magic.
Sexy sexy magic.
That she does moistly.
I guess the future Australians found this cave? That Miller somehow was brought to?
I've decided that since Zoid is a person, its a punk version of Zoidberg from Futurama.
Also this is hardly a problem, Mara will probably fuck them up.
Zoid is always talking that shite.
Giants can't resist redheads with ancient knives
Who can?
He becomes very hornily detracted
Zoid is the Australian overmind megaprocessor in a converted Sydney Opera House. It stands for "Ztruth! Oi, Dekho"
The fuck kind of exclamation is "Eee-Hah"?
Michael Dorn thinks it's Australian.
What? Knives can stab? Why didn't anyone tell me!
Is Millers hearing cutting out and this guy just did a yeehaw?
Kek kek kek
No notes
Hahahahah I said shed fuck them up.
Lyra called the stabbing before Chekhov's dagger even showed up.
Secret weapon: attack with more than one person
God I love that every 90s gang had to have a guy named Spider or something to be taken seriously.
It's so very The Crow.
And some fun necrophilia
"Nobody asked you? Do you understand what is happening here?"
The reality talent show The Voice tells Miller to pretend to be a god
'I'm all set!' shouts Miller as he's stabbed to death
Spider:gangs::Deke:special forces
Miller overcomes the huge obstacle of chapped lips to prevent this sexual assault
Okay of all the gods to impersonate, the god with a dogish head seems the easiest to disprove.
Future he-men are so superstitious
For certs, good-o
Actually I met a Zoroastrian girl at the bar once after goggling at/IDing her Ahura Mazda tattoo, so maybe Australians just dig old-time religions
Only healthy ice for Michael Dorn
Going thru biomes like its fucking Minecraft.
Everybody knows your dirt will rust if you leave it out in the rain
It happened in Australia
And you never can quite get the rust out of your dirt after that.
Osiris got some thicc rifles
Miller, a thick rifle is called a cannon. I know you're an anthropologist so I forgive you.
If you can just dodge all the lunatics with blades, life in the time-blender sounds sweet.
Miller's a genius
You've got redheads, you've got BBQ boar, the seasons are gorgeous and every few minutes.
It's 99.5% lunatics with blades
And laser knives!
To be fair a few days ago Miller had a Gravity Smusher Box so if he had just done his due diligence with the bungee cords he'd be Lord Humongous in no time.
Future liquid
This is the worst time blend.
"PIPES? LIQUID? WHAT FUTURE SORCERY IS THIS!?"
No Samurai here....yet.
The Luxor has equipped itself with future pipes
I'm gonna need a samurai with a laser katana up ins.
These futuristic gang members have a sweet setup!
fucking pyramid and everything!
That's just a Jedi.
Future Sauron is pleased with all this.
Future car liquid
It's like the TMNT movie with the Foot Clan headquarters being all rad, do they got any cigarettes?
Toilet transportation
Regular or menthol?
And do they have Narc?
The inefficiency of this transport bothers Miller
Because the rest seems fine
To be fair it is an exceptionally stupid method of transportation
Miller is really not appreciating the radness of his surroundings properly.
They loot for the love of looting, not the actual looted items
Also he needs to understand, he's going to have his heart jerked out and weighed soon.
And since he liquified that dude, its deffo gonna weigh more than a feather.
This is such densely packed nonsense I fucking love it.
Miller forgot the whole deal with the Artifact exploding
To say nothing of all those kids.
Hmmm......its like these periods of history are.....merging together in some kind of CronoMix?
Miller has an extremely poor short term memory.
Engage dumb thug protocols
@FancyShark always misses the sharks
It would have to be crocodiles to stay on theme.
But sharks are cooler.
He recognized Osiris from all the ancient Egyptian photographs
if the water swirls in the time-blender does it do it clockwise or counter-clockwise or does it depend on if the Australian GMO hunks flush it?
Wait, this is Stargate
Dorn just smashed a Star Trek episode pitch into a Stargate pitch
Three years after Stargate happened!
So he was like "Well I have this movie Idea but I got beat to the punch....."
He was hoping for a writer credit on SG-1
"Might as well use that TNG cred."
I think this three-headed beast of a writing team confused Osiris with Horus
Oh for SHAME!
I expected better research from Worf.
Well known invertibrate, the hawk
DAMMIT!
And this ruins my "Lord of Postmortem Cummies" joke.
That floppy boneless grace.
Boneless, moist grace.
What'd I miss? Flaccid Egyptian gods?
This Osiris really gave up the ghost quick
Fuck, man
There are Australian gang Egyptians with future technology, Celts, Samurai
We are in the Time Blender
They put "bio" in front of genetic, that's how you know its scientific and futury
daaaaaaamn
THE CRONOSMOOTHIES SHALL BE READY SHORTLY!
Dorn learned that from star trek
EONS SHALL PASS AND ALSO NO TIME AT ALL BEFORE THE EPOCHAL MARGARITAS ARE FINISHED!
He found another intelligent and beautiful woman who can't speak his language but is drawn to MIchael, I mean Miller.
lol
of course
"I mean, you're supposed to look like a regular dude and not a hawk-man. And I'm supposed to have a dog head, but let's get this myth right"
Oy, guv, this sure is weird
Yew been oll barmy, eh wot?
"Because your water tube society sucks Osiris"
Five foot laser blade seems dangerous
Weapon set to "copyright infringement"
Oh, right. There was another person
USE YOUR CHI! MILLER! USE YOUR CHIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
Did he explain he's tenured?
Oh, no, hologram
I think he's forgotten what he's supposed to be doing at this point.
Who could have forseen that the hawk-headed man was an illusion!
A hawk headed man is perfect mundane, but a non corporeal hawk headed man?
Madness
Bigbird 9000
How can the non corporeal man go through doors
Im beginning to think someone got confused and forgot Miller is a anthropology professor and now thinks he is a Conan expy.
So outrageous for the man who can phase through the laser sword go through doors
Just stumbling dick first into everything.
His classes must be fun
If only I were the Roadrunner
"BAH! More of your future sorcery!"
WHY IS OSIRIS TRYING TO KILL ME?
Ah, secret door
Pointless secret door
Bumps right into Shaggy and Scooby
Man fuck this goddam book for injuring Mara by making her run into a wall like its the Three Stooges.
Osiris taunts like a TV hostage taker
I guess why not at this point
Of course.
Sure. That might as well happen.
You HAVE to have a proper pit trap.
Its like a rule.
Plenty of time to perv
If Miller doesn't wrassle a robot snake or a crocodile im gonna be sad.
"Wow! You're not fat or old!"
"Uh, Miller? The angry god?"
"Oh, right, the sharks. I'm so forgetful"
Yayyy!
dun dun. dun dun.....dundundundundun.....
Mara appreciates the shark impression