gellaho
Love Hulk Hogan mustaches, hate herbs
62: Time Blender Michael Dorn (with Hillary Hemmingway and Jeffrey P. Lindsay)
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Samurai warriors battle Egyptian gods on the Island of No-Return!
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Brendanonymous
But the girl appeared to be suffering from a bacterial infection
FlippantSausage
One of the five things I know about Japan is that, yes, weed is SUPER duper illegal.
Brendanonymous
THE PLANE! That was it!
FlippantSausage
SO this is accurate.
Brendanonymous
Miller tossed open the first aid kit: There! Right below the antibiotics: CONDOMS!
gellaho
Plenty of time to party again
Brendanonymous
To the side, Eolas's mother softly wept.
FlippantSausage
Exactly what he would need to carry water to rehydrate after fucking!
Brendanonymous
Oh yeah, you timeblend, you don't wrap it up.
You sire an entire planet.
FlippantSausage
Raw dogging across time and space, cos its MILLER TIME!
Brendanonymous
I mean syph wasn't even an STD at that point, you could get it shaking hands, why bother protecting just the junk?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Just in case you're part of a time loop and need to be your own ancestor
gellaho
Miller is more worried about returning the Artifact to the future space dudes than him being stuck in the Time Blender
FlippantSausage
Being like 3\5ths of your own family tree prevents chrono-disjunction!
gellaho
Fuck you, Celts. Your beer is sad
FlippantSausage
Fuck you Miller! They just know you suck and aren't worth the good stuff!
Brendanonymous
I wonder how many generations have to pass before your great^x grandkids are basically no different from a third cousin.
Like at what point does Vandal Savage get to date again?
gellaho
I wonder why the black man feels a sense of foreigness among the ancient Celts.
gellaho
I can quite put my finger on why that would be
I'm sure Miller will figure it out
Brendanonymous
warm and flat, just like UC spring break
Brendanonymous
Because they're the first white people to not be a little bit shitty to him.
FlippantSausage
He's not one of those damn Time Samurai or a Roman, so he seems cool. SEEMS cool.
gellaho
Riker would be very sad to hear you say that
FlippantSausage
He's not balls deep in their druid yet.
gellaho
An old man tells a story via coughing
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
This is just a travelogue of Miller getting drunk and contaminating cultures
Miller mistakes a scottish accent for coughing, which, fair.
FlippantSausage
Miller is now introduced to the ancient Celtic practice called "acting"
Brendanonymous
This happened 1000 years before Riker
gellaho
The old man somehow tells a song-story about what just happened. He's the greatest man in the world once again
gellaho
I think you are forgetting we're in the TIME BLENDER
Brendanonymous
They don't know what the Artifact is and drinking beer is what Celtic heroes do.
Later, Mara would squat in a gully and create a river of menses to thwart the samurai. From its banks would spring the one known only as Millargh
...that joke will only make sense to Wombat
gellaho
She wasn't an uggo, like all the Berkeley druids he knew
Brendanonymous
My dude, Yuki won't be born for 700 years.
She's the past AND the future.
Also, pretty sure you said bye.
FlippantSausage
When they tell the story he will probably be at least nine feet tall and his bones will rotate in his skin.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Most recent conclusions jumped to: Miller thinks the celts revere him as a hero and consider it a foregone conclusion that Mara is going to bone him
Brendanonymous
So a fun fact about the Celtic women was they enjoyed a very modern sexual liberation, and perhaps one with more advantages over ours despite obvious contraceptive/abortifacient disadvantages.
gellaho
Simon Hawke ghostwrote a sentence here
FlippantSausage
She spoke, moistly.
Brendanonymous
I read a tale of some Celtic queen being agog that Jute women or Saxon or some gunk didn't sample men before picking one.
She felt legitimately bad for this lady, like "You buy the fruit without giving it a squeeze?"
gellaho
A celtic thief? Unthinkable!
FlippantSausage
Queen Maeve could reputedly outfuck a guy who was famous for not fucking less than seven women at a time.
Brendanonymous
...God, I miss dating a redhead.
LyraV 42Dukes
Oh they all say that until we get a wee bit stabby then the crying starts.
FlippantSausage
If you cant take a somewhat perforated epidermis then you don't deserve a redhead.
gellaho
Miller has a dream vision. Prattles on about how it can't be real, then realizes it might be real
gellaho
Miller has already forgotten about the ruins of the Tahitian air control tower
gellaho
And the Samurai
LyraV 42Dukes
Also the plot
FlippantSausage
Also he totally forgot he has maps?
And that like....Northern Europe has been there for like......a real long time.
gellaho
His airplane exploded, so the maps are gone
When the samurai went up the plane didn't survive
FlippantSausage
I'm sure he can just condense a new one like he did with the cans of gas.
Or maybe find one in the airport.
gellaho
I knew it was the goddamned hippies all along
FlippantSausage
Okay yeah he's got us there.
If someone wanted to like undo time itself, California would be the place to start.
gellaho
Working a little worse than when he was making up Polynesian earlier
Jaime
I've not read this book, but first of all, I find it VERY suspect that “Celtic people” are entirely wonderful and gentle and would NEVER EVER STEAL THINGS FROM A WEIRD GUY WHO SHOWED UP OUT OF NOWHERE NOPE. 😉
FlippantSausage
Now she's just fucking with him, she heard what he said.
LyraV 42Dukes
I'm starting to feel like this whole book is just about everyone being less cool and eloquent than Dorn.
Tony, I mean Tony
Jaime
I'm from the East Coast, but even so I expect the stereotype of West Coast people who worship crystals and have ashrams and are Buddhists and regularly visit Area 51 might…not be completely accurate. But then again HOW DO YOU KNOW I'M NOT AN ALIEN IN A HUMAN SKIN? 👽
Brendanonymous
Have you heard of a state called Oklahoma?
gellaho
Tony somehow gets them to take him to the Tahitian coast. Which is icy, as well all know
gellaho
Where they encounter a suspicious bush
FlippantSausage
Oklahoma just makes you WANT to end existence, if you live in Oklahoma you are too depressed to really work up to doing it. Plus you have to spend all that time putting your Doom Tesseract back together after the tornado spreads it from hell to breakfast.
Brendanonymous
See, I gave it the benefit, too, but then I visited Malibu and Big Sur.
gellaho
What is this, some kind of Time Blender?
Brendanonymous
I dunno, OKC and Tulsa seem pretty banging, but my cousin had to flee their war on educators and this week the governor said only non-pregnant women can get abortions.
FlippantSausage
Guess the temperature kind of shoots down it being Berkeley, huh, Miller? FAmously icy Berkeley?
Brendanonymous
The bay can get cold!
Especially to homeless people.
Which I guess Miller is.
gellaho
Well, say goodbye to the Celts.
Jaime
I WISH you were joking. 😢
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The necklace is going to be like that one item in a sierra adventure game you have to keep with you the whole game.
FlippantSausage
And never does anything because its part of the copy protection you did at the start.
gellaho
Once alone, Tony Miller falls off a cliff? Off time?
gellaho
FlippantSausage
AGH! BETRAYED BY MY LACK OF GETTING A LIGHT! CURSE YOU DARKNESS!
gellaho
Suddenly, graffiti
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He just Mr Magoo'd his way into another primitive culture to fuck up
gellaho
Ancient Egyptian, 3-D graffiti
FlippantSausage
Osiris being a huge Zoids fan.
Brendanonymous
@A Wombat -- how many of your academic friends are Osiris weebs?
gellaho
Suddenly, comic books
Brendanonymous
Because I got a couple numbers from being able to name the Eye of Horus on girls' shoulder tattoos.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Miller sees an ankh and assumes ancient Egyptians, and not goths.
gellaho
Australian comic books
A Wombat
None of them are that interesting, unfortunately.
LyraV 42Dukes
Celts and Cockneys
FlippantSausage
One of the less known D&D spin offs.
A Wombat
But I know two people who argued over how accurate Gods of Egypt was.
gellaho
Australian comic book bullies
FlippantSausage
"Its totally impossible I just tripped and fell in the dark, these suspiciously accented persons must have pushed me!"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The future Aussie tosses his can of Victoria bitter aside and goes to fuck up Miller.
Brendanonymous
These Australians feel like a British strain.
gellaho
Possessed Australian comic book gangbangers
FlippantSausage
Throwing vocab shade too.
Intellectuals they are.
gellaho
Egyptian-Australian possessed comic book gangbangers
Jaime
I teach English, and from now on I PROMISE to tell my students: “You need to build up your word-power, you do!” 😛
FlippantSausage
If 90s thugs could appreciate anything it was Osiris, God of the Dead and Lord of Postmortem cummies.
gellaho
I'm sure Miller's bronze knife will defeat this laser knife
Brendanonymous
"Now tha fehst thing you'd bloody waaaall better know about us is we DON'T DRINK FOSTER'S HERE, ya cunt."
Hi, Australia, I know your heart.
FlippantSausage
Australian laser knife!
RAD!
Brendanonymous
Some sort of saber made of light.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Now that is a knife.
Paul Hogan, get fucked
gellaho
Well, something happened. And he's passed out
FlippantSausage
Also this is the part where that OG Star Trek music kicks in. You know the one.
Brendanonymous
You don't know these aren't both Paul Hogan pulled from different times.
gellaho
Interesante
Brendanonymous
Simon Hawke is buying what Dorn is selling.
FlippantSausage
Yes I too have the problem where I pass out and ejaculate when an Aussie with a laser knife tries to gut me.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That song was such a banger.
gellaho
So ponderous are my arms
gellaho
I always call my wounds moist spots
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Man, finding out what the wetness is is always going to be unpleasant.
Brendanonymous
Hey, mara's back!
gellaho
Also, the ancient Celts are back. Somehow
FlippantSausage
She followed him thru time!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
And off a cliff?
Brendanonymous
Maybe it's kisses from Mara's moist lips
FlippantSausage
The faithful redheaded witch, man's best friend.
gellaho
So, actual magic then? Ok
gellaho
I guess why not
FlippantSausage
Or she has a secret laser knife and is cauterizing his wounds and he's too numb to feel pain.
LyraV 42Dukes
If they're not careful she might develop an actual personality and speak a sentence or something.
FlippantSausage
But its probably magic.
Sexy sexy magic.
That she does moistly.
gellaho
I guess the future Australians found this cave? That Miller somehow was brought to?
FlippantSausage
I've decided that since Zoid is a person, its a punk version of Zoidberg from Futurama.
Also this is hardly a problem, Mara will probably fuck them up.
LyraV 42Dukes
Zoid is always talking that shite.
gellaho
Giants can't resist redheads with ancient knives
FlippantSausage
Who can?
gellaho
He becomes very hornily detracted
Brendanonymous
Zoid is the Australian overmind megaprocessor in a converted Sydney Opera House. It stands for "Ztruth! Oi, Dekho"
FlippantSausage
The fuck kind of exclamation is "Eee-Hah"?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Michael Dorn thinks it's Australian.
gellaho
What? Knives can stab? Why didn't anyone tell me!
FlippantSausage
Is Millers hearing cutting out and this guy just did a yeehaw?
Brendanonymous
Kek kek kek
LyraV 42Dukes
No notes
FlippantSausage
Hahahahah I said shed fuck them up.
Brendanonymous
Lyra called the stabbing before Chekhov's dagger even showed up.
gellaho
Secret weapon: attack with more than one person
FlippantSausage
God I love that every 90s gang had to have a guy named Spider or something to be taken seriously.
It's so very The Crow.
gellaho
And some fun necrophilia
FlippantSausage
"Nobody asked you? Do you understand what is happening here?"
gellaho
The reality talent show The Voice tells Miller to pretend to be a god
LyraV 42Dukes
'I'm all set!' shouts Miller as he's stabbed to death
Brendanonymous
Spider:gangs::Deke:special forces
gellaho
Miller overcomes the huge obstacle of chapped lips to prevent this sexual assault
FlippantSausage
Okay of all the gods to impersonate, the god with a dogish head seems the easiest to disprove.
Brendanonymous
Future he-men are so superstitious
gellaho
For certs, good-o
Brendanonymous
Actually I met a Zoroastrian girl at the bar once after goggling at/IDing her Ahura Mazda tattoo, so maybe Australians just dig old-time religions
gellaho
Only healthy ice for Michael Dorn
FlippantSausage
Going thru biomes like its fucking Minecraft.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Everybody knows your dirt will rust if you leave it out in the rain
Jazz Ramb$ne Gracie
It happened in Australia
FlippantSausage
And you never can quite get the rust out of your dirt after that.
gellaho
Osiris got some thicc rifles
FlippantSausage
Miller, a thick rifle is called a cannon. I know you're an anthropologist so I forgive you.
Brendanonymous
If you can just dodge all the lunatics with blades, life in the time-blender sounds sweet.
gellaho
Miller's a genius
Brendanonymous
You've got redheads, you've got BBQ boar, the seasons are gorgeous and every few minutes.
gellaho
It's 99.5% lunatics with blades
FlippantSausage
And laser knives!
To be fair a few days ago Miller had a Gravity Smusher Box so if he had just done his due diligence with the bungee cords he'd be Lord Humongous in no time.
gellaho
Future liquid
Brendanonymous
This is the worst time blend.
FlippantSausage
"PIPES? LIQUID? WHAT FUTURE SORCERY IS THIS!?"
LyraV 42Dukes
No Samurai here....yet.
gellaho
The Luxor has equipped itself with future pipes
FlippantSausage
I'm gonna need a samurai with a laser katana up ins.
These futuristic gang members have a sweet setup!
fucking pyramid and everything!
Brendanonymous
That's just a Jedi.
LyraV 42Dukes
Future Sauron is pleased with all this.
gellaho
Future car liquid
FlippantSausage
It's like the TMNT movie with the Foot Clan headquarters being all rad, do they got any cigarettes?
gellaho
Toilet transportation
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Regular or menthol?
FlippantSausage
And do they have Narc?
gellaho
The inefficiency of this transport bothers Miller
gellaho
Because the rest seems fine
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
To be fair it is an exceptionally stupid method of transportation
FlippantSausage
Miller is really not appreciating the radness of his surroundings properly.
gellaho
They loot for the love of looting, not the actual looted items
FlippantSausage
Also he needs to understand, he's going to have his heart jerked out and weighed soon.
And since he liquified that dude, its deffo gonna weigh more than a feather.
LyraV 42Dukes
This is such densely packed nonsense I fucking love it.
gellaho
Miller forgot the whole deal with the Artifact exploding
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
To say nothing of all those kids.
FlippantSausage
Hmmm......its like these periods of history are.....merging together in some kind of CronoMix?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Miller has an extremely poor short term memory.
gellaho
Engage dumb thug protocols
gellaho
@FancyShark always misses the sharks
FlippantSausage
It would have to be crocodiles to stay on theme.
But sharks are cooler.
gellaho
He recognized Osiris from all the ancient Egyptian photographs
Brendanonymous
if the water swirls in the time-blender does it do it clockwise or counter-clockwise or does it depend on if the Australian GMO hunks flush it?
Wait, this is Stargate
Dorn just smashed a Star Trek episode pitch into a Stargate pitch
FlippantSausage
Three years after Stargate happened!
So he was like "Well I have this movie Idea but I got beat to the punch....."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He was hoping for a writer credit on SG-1
FlippantSausage
"Might as well use that TNG cred."
gellaho
I think this three-headed beast of a writing team confused Osiris with Horus
FlippantSausage
Oh for SHAME!
I expected better research from Worf.
gellaho
Well known invertibrate, the hawk
FancyShark
DAMMIT!
FlippantSausage
And this ruins my "Lord of Postmortem Cummies" joke.
LyraV 42Dukes
That floppy boneless grace.
FlippantSausage
Boneless, moist grace.
FancyShark
What'd I miss? Flaccid Egyptian gods?
gellaho
This Osiris really gave up the ghost quick
gellaho
Fuck, man
There are Australian gang Egyptians with future technology, Celts, Samurai
We are in the Time Blender
FlippantSausage
They put "bio" in front of genetic, that's how you know its scientific and futury
FancyShark
daaaaaaamn
FlippantSausage
THE CRONOSMOOTHIES SHALL BE READY SHORTLY!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Dorn learned that from star trek
FlippantSausage
EONS SHALL PASS AND ALSO NO TIME AT ALL BEFORE THE EPOCHAL MARGARITAS ARE FINISHED!
LyraV 42Dukes
He found another intelligent and beautiful woman who can't speak his language but is drawn to MIchael, I mean Miller.
FancyShark
lol
of course
gellaho
"I mean, you're supposed to look like a regular dude and not a hawk-man. And I'm supposed to have a dog head, but let's get this myth right"
gellaho
Oy, guv, this sure is weird
FancyShark
Yew been oll barmy, eh wot?
LyraV 42Dukes
"Because your water tube society sucks Osiris"
gellaho
Five foot laser blade seems dangerous
FancyShark
Weapon set to "copyright infringement"
gellaho
Oh, right. There was another person
FlippantSausage
USE YOUR CHI! MILLER! USE YOUR CHIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
FancyShark
Did he explain he's tenured?
gellaho
Oh, no, hologram
gellaho
LyraV 42Dukes
I think he's forgotten what he's supposed to be doing at this point.
gellaho
Who could have forseen that the hawk-headed man was an illusion!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
A hawk headed man is perfect mundane, but a non corporeal hawk headed man?
Madness
FancyShark
Bigbird 9000
gellaho
How can the non corporeal man go through doors
FlippantSausage
Im beginning to think someone got confused and forgot Miller is a anthropology professor and now thinks he is a Conan expy.
gellaho
So outrageous for the man who can phase through the laser sword go through doors
FlippantSausage
Just stumbling dick first into everything.
FancyShark
His classes must be fun
gellaho
If only I were the Roadrunner
FlippantSausage
"BAH! More of your future sorcery!"
LyraV 42Dukes
WHY IS OSIRIS TRYING TO KILL ME?
gellaho
Ah, secret door
gellaho
Pointless secret door
FancyShark
Bumps right into Shaggy and Scooby
FlippantSausage
Man fuck this goddam book for injuring Mara by making her run into a wall like its the Three Stooges.
FancyShark
Osiris taunts like a TV hostage taker
gellaho
I guess why not at this point
FlippantSausage
Of course.
FancyShark
Sure. That might as well happen.
FlippantSausage
You HAVE to have a proper pit trap.
Its like a rule.
gellaho
Plenty of time to perv
FlippantSausage
If Miller doesn't wrassle a robot snake or a crocodile im gonna be sad.
FancyShark
"Wow! You're not fat or old!"
"Uh, Miller? The angry god?"
gellaho
"Oh, right, the sharks. I'm so forgetful"
FancyShark
Yayyy!
FlippantSausage
dun dun. dun dun.....dundundundundun.....
gellaho
Mara appreciates the shark impression
